WHAAAAT?!
I don’t know whether to laugh, cry or be so afraid I soil myself — but I think the smart money is on an all-out crying jag complete with full-blown conniption in the middle of my cul-de-sac for all the world street to see.
Why?
I …
I …
Oh god, I can’t even say!
ACK!
Ihadasexdreamaboutjohnmccain
OK, there. I said it.
ACK!!!
How did this happen?
How could this happen?
Did I drink too much specially spiked Cookie Kool-Aid during the Super Bowl?
Did I consume something so spicy it rendered me completely clueless – even during my R.E.M cycle?
I’ve been giving myself the third-degree all day!
I just don’t know!
But there I was, in my dream, looking over a proposed redistricting map of Palm Beach County working up a good rage over the scheme.
In the room were several political figures, including Charlie Crist (who I know good and well why I wasn’t propped to bump fuglies with *wink wink*) and John McCain.
I’m looking at the map, gettin’ my ‘You bastards will never get away with this’ ‘tude when all of a sudden Big Mac is behind me and … well, peepaw is 100% proppin’ me and EWWWWWW!!!!!!!
Whatinthegoddmanedmutherfuckingbloodyhell?!?!?!
I …
I …
I can’t go on!
What does it mean?!
Republicans are raping America? Fucking us where we stand with our pants on?!
That’s got to be it, right?
RIGHT?!?!
You have to tell me that’s right because otherwise I’d be afraid it meant something vomitus extremus and I’d worry I’d have to turn in my bleeding-heart liberal commie pinko card, which I will never surrender willingly!
Oh please – someone help me — is there some magic elixir out there I can use to wipe clear the apparent and thoroughly twisted corners of my sick, sick mind?
If so, take pity and help a sister out – email that fix to mmmm.lifeisacookie@gmail.com
6 comments February 8, 2010
Ridonkulously Retardified!!!
This whole retarded debate over the use of the word retarded to describe shit that actually IS retarded is 30 shades of RETARDED – so fucking stop it right now with the back-and-forth blah blah over it!
Folks lost their gat damned minds earlier this week when it was reported that *OH NOES* White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel used the word when he told a group of liberal activists that it was “fucking retarded” for them to run ads attacking against some Democrats.
GUESS WHAT GOOBERS? IT IS!
And then the hooha over David Carney – consultant for Texas Governor Perry – saying it was retarded that one of the candidate holding rooms for a debate would be in a separate building from the debate venue.
NEWSFLASH: IT IS!!
Retarded is a great word! I say use the shit out of that bitch!
I mean, it’s just like fuck [fave], bitch [ultrafave], boob, kicks, dig, buzz, gank and so many other fantabulous phrasiological forms because it, too, can wear many hats!
STOP!
GRAMMAR-TIME!
It can be used as an adjective to describe Rush Limbaugh a person who is retarded.
It can be used as a noun to describe a group of people who are Republican retarded.
It can also as a verb to describe something that is hindering progress – which, if you really think about it kiddies, could apply to the statements from either Emanuel or Carney.
But wait. There’s more!
Retarded is also widely used in everyday life by everyday people everyDAY to describe a thing, a person, an object or an action that is a waste of time, bogus, cheesy, dense, empty-headed, flighty, groundless, hopeless, ill-advised, juvenile, kooky, lame, menial, nonsensical, obtuse, pitiful, raunchy, screwy, trifling, unintelligent, vacuous, weak, or yucky.
Yup! It’s a multi-tasker like that. It’s just how it rolls.
M’kay, pumpkins?
We all clear now?
14 comments February 5, 2010
Just in case you missed the awesomeness
Which I would completely understand given the fact that it was an exhausting but wholly rewarding National Signing Day yesterday, after which you collapsed in a heap of inebriated, blobby JOY like I did and maybe, just possibly, perhaps missed another satisfying Jon Stewart logic/reason/reality badass beatdown of Bill O’Reilly’s assfucked accounting of current events.
If so – enjoy …
6 comments February 4, 2010
NSD – WHEEEEE!!!!!!!
Even though it started on a 
note when we were
SPURNED FOR SPURRIER
as my would-be new ‘boo gave my impassioned plea the side-eye in favor of becoming a big ol’ ‘Cock.
::: Good luck, my friend — but I leave you with one final thought … transfer …
think about it :::
Oh yes, even though I’ve been denied true Tiger-luv by Marcus Lattimore – I WILL NOT BE DETERRED!!!
Hell to the no!
Because today is THE day!
National Signing Day!!!
AUBURN‘S DAY!!!!!
It’s Christmas, my birthday and anniversary, the last day of Hanukkah and National Give A Fucking Gift Just For The Hell Of It Day in general – uh huh! It is bonus BIG present day and I am 20 shiny, sparkly, twinklified, glitterated kinds of LET’S GET IT STARTED READY!!!!!
Marcus Lattimore *sniff* notwithstanding - questions remain!!
Where oh where is DE Cory Lemonier going?
C’mon baby — you know inside you beats a TIGER’S heart, snookums!!!
And five-star lineman Shon Coleman? You, my fine, fine piece of OL ass are tailor MADE to bust through any opposition at Jordon Hare and beyond. You know you are!
Michael Dyer — show us your John Hancock and make it official!!
Seriously! Why even think about other schools?!
DON’T DO IT!
Follow your hearts! COMMIT TO AUBURN!!
SIGGGGNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!
I patiently await your beautified, hopificated signatures …
… Developing …
9:00 a.m.: Welcome Jawara White!! A linebacker who can score- SCORE!!
Aaaand – Shaun Kitchens and Ryan Smith (who told Kentucky to shove it) are on board. SWEETNESS!!
… More …
10:00 a.m.: Shon Coleman signs with Auburn – woo hoo!!!
::: SUCKIT BAMA! :::
In case you live under a rock – Coleman is one of the highest-rated players in the whole and entire signing class, ‘kay? He’s also one of the biggest at 6-foot-7, 285 pounds. He was ranked No. 1 in Mississippi, had offers from several schools, including six from the SEC alone, and he picked Auburn over Alabama, Ole Miss and Miami – which proves he’s got a big ol’ brain to go with all that brawn as well!
And, as expected but you can’t be 100% sure until he signs on the dotted line so fervent hopification had to happen, Michael Dyer signed with Auburn too!
Oh yeah, oh yeah!!
Dyer just happens to be considered the top high school running back in the whole and entire country according to ESPN – so SUCKIT LOSER SCHOOLS!!!
… Stay tuned …
11:00 a.m.: Hey hey Eric Mack! You KNOW it’s great to be an Auburn Tiger!!
Unlike some players from South Carolina who shall remain nameless but whose initials are MARCUS LATTIMORE – Big Mack (SMOOCHES 
) chose Auburn after originally committing to the Gamecocks.
::: SUCKIT COCKS – that just felt good :::
… MTC …
1:15 p.m.: YAY!!!!! Corey Lemonier and Trovon Reed are ALSO coming to the loveliest village on the Plains!!!!
OMG – This is better than butter!!!!!!!!! This may be our heaviest signing day, like, EVAR!!! I am so superkalifrajilistically EXCITED for the coming season!!!!
… Continued …
Add comment February 3, 2010
