Dumb Bitch AND *bonus* Dumb Fuck of the Day

While you were busy with normal Fourth of July customs (like eating barbecue and corn-on-the-cob and dressing the fam in various and sundry American Flag paraphernalia and giving your 8-year-old a fiery handheld pyrotechnic device to play with) two twits in Tampa were busy going crackhead crazy as their preferred method of quality family holiday fun.

<— James Maymi and Virgen Lopez  had a date with —>
dumbass and nothing was gonna get in their way!

Himbecile and the chowdahead had plans for some early morning drag-racing — because helllooooo –  that’s what you do when you drive super-spiffy primo wheelage like a 1990 Acura and a 1988 Honda.
Fuck your Chevy and your souped-up ‘Stang, man! Nothing says badass like a two-decade-old four-door!
Well, not unless it’s a two-decade-old four-door with some supa-foin Safety 1st kiddie seats stapped in!

And aren’t you just shocked to know that’s just how Maymi and Lopez like ‘em!?!

These two plonks were haulin’ behbehs around while they cranked it at about 100 miles per hour down the Courtney Campbell Causeway.
::: I bet those kids were ridin’ REAL dirty after about 80 mph :::

Oh, but then the cops showed up and busted the little pavement party.

Now, it’s just a guess, but I’m thinking dude won the race because, I mean, ok, sure — Lopez was charged with being a dumb fucking crackwhore bitch for racing her hoopty around with a two-year-old in tow – but Maymi plays this shit on a whole other level!
He’ll see your two-year-old and raise you a toddler!
::: Boo-ya! :::

But times have changed and cornering the market on monstrous moronitude doesn’t have quite the caché it used to.
Especially when the meth money runs out.

So, while the DB had enough child support and W.I.C. tickets to make bail, the DF’s gonna be busy makin’ new friends and having romantic jail sexies while he waits for a date with justice.

Ahh, holidays …

SOURCE

Happy Birthday, Bikini!!

On July 5, 1946 a French designer named Louis Reard (yup, the creepy old dude to the left there) dug deep into the mind of all men and pulled out the one thing that would save humanity the institution of marriage a day at the beach Sports Illustrated magazine: The Bikini!
::: Thanks Louis!! And smooches from the hubster!! :::

That bitch took OFF all across the globe, except, of course, for prissy, priggish, puritanical America where the hotness was resisted until the youthful revolution and ultimate liberation of the 1960s.

And, well, do I really need to do a ‘what’s happened to it since?’
Nah, I didn’t think so

Happy Birthday, girl — you look pretty good for 63!

R.I.P Steve McNair

Steve McNair and his girlfriend reportedly shot to death inside her Nashville apartment.

What.
The.
FUUUUUCK?!?!?!?!?

ACK! 

McNair, 36, spent 13 seasons in the NFL, the majority with the Tennessee Titans, before announcing his retirement in April 2008. He spent his last two seasons with Baltimore Ravens and he was the NFL’s co-MVP in 2003.

What in the fuckety FUCK is going on people?!?
Seriously — this is the last motherfucking R.I.P post I want to do for, like, EVER, ok?
Shit.

SOURCE

Happy Fourth, Bitches!

Yeah, it’s a day [and a half, give or take] early but this ho’s gotta get her long-weekend bender a’brewin’ so I do not have time to dwell on the demise of Jeff Goldblum as reported by Jeff Goldblum or any of the other not-dead celebs not out there being dead or dying and stuff.

No time for that shit, ‘kay?

I gotsta get my drink on – and you do, too – it’s, like, the law!

So crack it, pour it, mix it and raise it high for a Happy Adoption of the Declaration of Independence Day!

Let’s party like it’s 1776 …

I just threw up a little in my mouth

According to the San Francisco Gate, American Idol ditzball alum Kellie Pickler (AKA Pammy Lite) and Waffle House smackdown king Kid Rock have been dating for more than a year.
::: doesn’t that, like, automatically qualify her as engagement material?? :::

I really hope this isn’t true.
Because I kind of like Kellie.
You have to like someone who can market the shit out of one-range vocals and two plumpified breastesez. It’s like a law.

Now if we could just get that bitch to quit the love before someone gets hurt …

Hand Jive

This here’s a buncha straight up bullcrap mess and jess about the last straw I’m willin’ tuh take, let me jess tell yew right nah!

First some sunzuhbitches got they’re drawz all bunched, tryin’ tuh pass laws sayin’ we couldn’ have no truck balls no more cuz they wuz ‘offensive’ er some bullcrap like ‘at.
En, as if  ‘at wuddn’t bad enuf – now they’s tryinnuh take away mah bird!

MAH MUTHUHFUCKIN’ BIRD, PEOPLE!!!

Well, psfshhhht! That shit ain’t hattnin’, let me jess say that right nah!

If yew tea-drankin’, rainbow-luvin’, sandal-wearin’ pansies who’r always bitchin’ ’bout this thang or that thag not bein’ puhlite enough fer yer ‘delicate sensibilities’ or yer preshuss chirren then let me jess advise yew tuh either back up off mah tail and don’ look when yew see mah sweet Silverado or buy yerself a bus ticket!

‘Cuz I am fed. the. fuck. UP!
I am sick en tahrd of havin’ tuh worry ’bout wut yer worried ’bout!
Worry ’bout yer own mess en I’ll worry ’bout mine. Tew each ‘is own ’cuz I’ll jess say that if y’all don’t cuttit with this crap yer gonna see up close en pers’nal what road rage is all about!!

No more Mr. Nahss Gah!
Ain’t no threat. Jess thuh way i’tiz.
Nah fuckawff!