Life Is A Cookie

A 3.1 magnitude earthquake has been reported in southwestern Alabama.

The quake occurred at 1:39 p.m., according to the U.S. Geological Survey Web site. It was centered in Bumfukegypt which is directly between Coffeeville in Clarke County and Silas in Choctaw County.

Bumfukegypt Mayor Cleatus Beauregard immediately took to the airwaves in an impassioned plea for aid and supplies …

“We noe them Chahneez fo’ks iz havin’ hahrd tahmz en all - en nahyah we noe wut eet’s lahk … wee’z gonna need hep tew,” he explained.

“Wee’z gonnuh need aahce en terlit pepper en pleeez ‘member wee-yuz runnin’ loe ohn Miller Laht ‘fower thess thang happuhn’d.

“Pleeez thenk uh thuh chi’ren en geeyuhv fruhm yer hahrtz. Thoez keeyuhds’s gunnah be soe sahyud cuz Mackdoenuhld’s tuk uh big ol’ shellackin’ en thess thang.”

We expect damage estimates to begin trickling in as soon as Belva Sempley gets her tractor started.
Stay tuned …

A Minnesota man, somewhere between 19 and 21 years old, apparently tried to Fargo himself this week.

CRINGE-WORTHY!

He just might have pulled it off were it not for some quick-thinking, do-gooder tree service guys who shut down the industrial-sized wood shipper just after suicide man dove in head first.

Yes, you read that right … they shut it off just after he dove in head first.

::: don’t think Band-Aid makes anything for that :::

As you guessed, the man suffered ’severe, life-threatening injuries to his head and torso’ and is now an ICU patient at Regions Hospital in St. Paul.

The local teevee station, 5 EYEWITNESS NEWS, says it doesn’t normally report suicides, but since the incident took place in a public area they figured, ‘aww shit, what the heck’.
As an added bonus, a hardware store’s surveillance camera may have captured the event on tape.

Any guesses on how long before the station has a second helping of ‘aww shit, what the heck’ and airs that mess?