I mean, really, this is basic ‘Ho Code 101’ shit, people.
The bottom-line, the guiding principle, THE golden fucking RULE when you’re bumpin’ fuglies with prominent, married public figures (or, ok, well, anyone who’s initials are NOT YOUR SPOUSE) is to take a chill on workin’ your grill.
It’s that simple.
No need for discussion!
It is immorality’s universally accepted imperative, for chrissakes!!
Yet, every few fornications there comes along some slut who just can’t keep it shut.
From Dynasty cast member wannabe Gennifer Flowers to dimestore hooker doppelganger Jaimee Grubbs to the demented and diapered Lisa Nowak — there’s always some skank who slips up and spoils the secret sexy times by spilling something she shouldn’t have.
Thanks a lot, Paula Broadwell!
Because of you tryin’ to go and blackmail a bitch over email and everything, poor David Petraeus now must foray back into the field of contraband coochie to find some stupid new streetwalker to screw.
But the real tragedy here is far worse than whatever future befalls dear David … or you … .
The real tragedy here is bigger, Paula … because it affects me.
Yes, Paula … the catastrophic consequences of your exasperatingly irritating email tirades mean that I now must go buy an ax, find a frickin’ forest, cut down a tree, chop that shit up, build a frickin’ fire, heat up a poker and GOUGE MY FUCKING EYES OUT
in an attempt to rid myself of the mental image of David’s sad old doggy dick doin’ The Cabbage Patch in yet another whore’s hoo-ha!
I live in fucking FLORIDA, Paula!
Do you have any idea how far I have to drive before I wind up in the woods?!?
Fucking FAR, Paula!!
It didn’t have to end like this, Paula.
Or maybe it did.
Because there’s always one hot ho mess out there like you, isn’t there Paula?
Oh yeah there is.
Take it to the bank, gents! 😉
That was 2004.
And he’s right.
That (hate) train is never late.
Which is a million gozillion times beyond the saddest of sad things ever to spur sadness in the entire and collective history of the known universe.
At least it is for me.
Because, here I was, all peppy, proud and playfully politically puffy thinking folks were out there reading important shit, learning important shit and basically gettin’ their social and political shit all kinds of together.
Californians passed Proposition 30, which is a combined four-year, quarter-cent general sales tax increase and an income tax increase for people who make at least $250,000 a year. The money is projected to raise an average of $6 billion annually for the state’s general fund and education to prevent nearly $6 billion in “trigger cuts,” mostly to education, this year.
::: Yay Education! :::
Ballot initiatives allowing same-sex marriage passed in Washington state, Maryland and Maine.
::: Yay Equal Rights!! :::
Ballot measures legalizing pot in Colorado and Washington both passed, and initiatives legalizing marijuana for medical purposes in Massachusetts and Arkansas passed.
::: Yay Cheeto, err, Progressive Revenue Streams!!! :::
But then, alas, it happened.
The veritable tidal wave of racist rants I was fervently hoping against all possible hope would not be thought, typed or otherwise idiotically ideated flat out flooded the Twittersphere — with exactly who you’d expect to see barfing the most bigotry — Alabama and Mississippi.
::: Some things never change … :::
::: belch :::
::: blech :::
And I’m all ‘Goddamn you Alabama! Why can’t you make the news for something positive just ONCE?!’
ACK to infinity!!!
You are home to my two greatest joys and loves — my family and my beloved, sacred, down-on-their-luck-at-the-moment-but-ready-to-
RISE Auburn Tigers!!!
My happy places!!!
Why must you balance such wondrous glory and goodness with the kind of gut-level asshattery that should have died out MORE than decades ago?!?!
Quadruple ACK to infinity!!!!!
… oh, but I digress … this isn’t about me … it’s about an informed electorate … only not so much …
Floating Sheep produced a frighteningly telling geocoded map showing a spike in small-minded Tweets after election day.
They used a location quotient inspired measure (LQ) indicating each state’s share of election hate speech tweet relative to its total number of tweets. A score of 1.0 indicates that a state has relatively the same number of hate speech tweets as its total number of tweets. Scores above 1.0 indicate that hate speech is more prevalent than all tweets, suggesting that the state’s “Twitterspace” contains more racists post-election tweets than the norm.
Mississippi and Alabama have the highest LQ measures with scores of 7.4 and 8.1, respectively.
things people never change.
Ed. Note: I know it’s easy to be stupid and roll around in stupidity all day just being stupid and all … but now and then, just occasionally, every once in a while, open a fucking book and learn something rather than just sitting around spewing the stupid that just makes you look, well, STUPID!
This is why it’s called The White House, kittens:
It is a reference to the color of the house.
The porous sandstone walls of the building were coated with a mixture of lime, rice glue, casein and lead, which give it the white color and led to the familiar name.
It was originally called the “President’s Palace”, but was changed to “Executive Mansion” in 1810 to avoid connections with royalty.
People have always (always) historically referred to the building as the white house because of its appearance.
President Theodore Roosevelt officially adopted the name “The White House” on Oct. 12, 1901.
P.S. Pumpkins: Four More Years. Yep. Deal with it, bitches! 🙂
… but doing it anyway because there is SERIOUS TRUTH here people, and every living organism in the entirety of all known galaxies regardless of elliptical or spiral status
can should MUST read this, digest it and become one with it.
For the truth shall set you free …
You’re welcome 🙂
Cue the awesomeness in 3 … 2 …
“They Won’t Magically Turn You Into A Lustful Cockmonster”
Chris Kluwe Explains Gay Marriage To The Politician Who Is Offended By An NFL Player Supporting It
Background in a nutshell:
Baltimore Ravens linebacker Brendon Ayanbadejo has spoken out in favor of a Maryland ballot initiative that would legalize gay marriage. Yahoo has published a letter that Maryland state delegate Emmett C. Burns Jr. wrote last week to Ravens owner Steve Bisciotti, urging him to “inhibit such expressions from your employee.” This is Minnesota Vikings punter Chris Kluwe’s response to Burns.
Dear Emmett C. Burns Jr.,
I find it inconceivable that you are an elected official of Maryland’s state government. Your vitriolic hatred and bigotry make me ashamed and disgusted to think that you are in any way responsible for shaping policy at any level. The views you espouse neglect to consider several fundamental key points, which I will outline in great detail (you may want to hire an intern to help you with the longer words):
1. As I suspect you have not read the Constitution, I would like to remind you that the very first, the VERY FIRST Amendment in this founding document deals with the freedom of speech, particularly the abridgment of said freedom. By using your position as an elected official (when referring to your constituents so as to implicitly threaten the Ravens organization) to state that the Ravens should “inhibit such expressions from your employees,” more specifically Brendon Ayanbadejo, not only are you clearly violating the First Amendment, you also come across as a narcissistic fromunda stain. What on earth would possess you to be so mind-boggingly stupid? It baffles me that a man such as yourself, a man who relies on that same First Amendment to pursue your own religious studies without fear of persecution from the state, could somehow justify stifling another person’s right to speech. To call that hypocritical would be to do a disservice to the word. Mindfucking obscenely hypocritical starts to approach it a little bit.
2. “Many of your fans are opposed to such a view and feel it has no place in a sport that is strictly for pride, entertainment, and excitement.” Holy fucking shitballs. Did you seriously just say that, as someone who’s “deeply involved in government task forces on the legacy of slavery in Maryland”? Have you not heard of Kenny Washington? Jackie Robinson? As recently as 1962 the NFL still had segregation, which was only done away with by brave athletes and coaches daring to speak their mind and do the right thing, and you’re going to say that political views have “no place in a sport”? I can’t even begin to fathom the cognitive dissonance that must be coursing through your rapidly addled mind right now; the mental gymnastics your brain has to tortuously contort itself through to make such a preposterous statement are surely worthy of an Olympic gold medal (the Russian judge gives you a 10 for “beautiful oppressionism”).
3. This is more a personal quibble of mine, but why do you hate freedom? Why do you hate the fact that other people want a chance to live their lives and be happy, even though they may believe in something different than you, or act different than you? How does gay marriage, in any way shape or form, affect your life? If gay marriage becomes legal, are you worried that all of a sudden you’ll start thinking about penis? “Oh shit. Gay marriage just passed. Gotta get me some of that hot dong action!” Will all of your friends suddenly turn gay and refuse to come to your Sunday Ticket grill-outs? (Unlikely, since gay people enjoy watching football too.)
I can assure you that gay people getting married will have zero effect on your life. They won’t come into your house and steal your children. They won’t magically turn you into a lustful cockmonster. They won’t even overthrow the government in an orgy of hedonistic debauchery because all of a sudden they have the same legal rights as the other 90 percent of our population—rights like Social Security benefits, child care tax credits, Family and Medical Leave to take care of loved ones, and COBRA healthcare for spouses and children. You know what having these rights will make gays? Full-fledged American citizens just like everyone else, with the freedom to pursue happiness and all that entails. Do the civil-rights struggles of the past 200 years mean absolutely nothing to you?
In closing, I would like to say that I hope this letter, in some small way, causes you to reflect upon the magnitude of the colossal foot in mouth clusterfuck you so brazenly unleashed on a man whose only crime was speaking out for something he believed in. Best of luck in the next election; I’m fairly certain you might need it.
P.S. I’ve also been vocal as hell about the issue of gay marriage so you can take your “I know of no other NFL player who has done what Mr. Ayanbadejo is doing” and shove it in your close-minded, totally lacking in empathy piehole and choke on it. Asshole.
Chris Kluwe is a punter for the Vikings. Follow him on Twitter, @ChrisWarcraft.
Forget EVERYTHING currently going on in any corner, crevice or crack of the entire and known thing we call THE UNIVERSE
because no event, no occurrence, no happening anywhere is anywhere nearly as interesting, as extraordinary or as singularly significant as what has taken place in that teeny tiny wee little underpopulated location we call China JUST this very weekend!!!!
Chinese Break World Mattress Dominoes Record
Is there no deed, development or feat of derring-do the peeps of the planet’s most populous place do not dominate?!?
It all went down in a Shanghai shopping mall on Saturday, where China state media approvingly reported that “volunteers, mostly domino lovers, first carefully arranged and leaned against 1,001 mattresses … being careful not to fall back and ruin the rally before it even started.
Can’t you just imagine the chaos if the group of Guinnes go-getters hadn’t been “mostly domino lovers”?!?
Thank GOD they left nothing to chance!!
Cheng Dong, an authenticator from the Guinness World Records, breaks it all down for us …
“For an event like this involving 1,000 people to succeed first time is not just about luck.”
::: Fuck no it’s not! :::
“All other conditions must be correct.”
::: Don’t even argue. They just MUST, OK?!? :::
“First of all, all the participants must fully understand the rules.”
::: Which are basically boiled down to ‘don’t fuck it up!’ :::
“Second, our volunteers were all very brave.”
::: Oh yes. A brave, brave battalion of cushion commandos, indeed! :::
Oh, but victory is fleeting and there is truly no rest for burned out bed bombers!
Because the challenge is born anew, bitches!!
Because just a scant few months ago, it was an American assembly of 850 pallet pilots from the holy grail of all things bed — La Quinta Inns and Suites — who were crowned the officially authenticated Guinness World Record holders for achieving the Largest Human Mattress Dominoes endeavor!
Do we hear 1001, America?!?!?
::: meh :::
Today’s ‘No Shit’ bullshit story: Kids who play ‘choking game’ may take other risks, too’.
Someone went out, secured funding and got their study on to prove the obvious obviosity that the precious little snowflakes who find it just nine kinds of F-U-N to obstruct available O2 from finding their little lung units DO, in fact, find risky behavior MORE than nine kinds of rewarding?
A group of APPARENTLYGOTNOTHINGBETTERTODOers over at the Oregon Health Authority spent some serious clock ticks surveying more than 5,300 eighth-graders to find out if they’d heard of the choking game, and if so, whether they had participated.
Twenty-two percent of children said they had heard of the game, and 6 percent had participated in it.
::: No word on what percent of pubers lied about either, but I think it’s safe to say that when talking about teens it would be a not tiny tally of the sum total of ’em. Talkin’ truth here … :::
And this, gentle readers, is the part where you close your eyes, travel to your mental happy place and take deep, cleansing breaths as you try to block from your mind the reality that THIS WASN’T ALREADY OBVIOUS!?!