Posts tagged ‘finances’

Prepare to panic in 3 … 2 …

Don’t step out of lentil line at the shelter just yet, you bums!
There’s a brand spankin’ NEW crisis on the horizon!
::: Woo h .. oh wait. Not good … :::

NYU economist and all-around financial fiasco forecaster Nouriel Roubini
has just issued a code-red high-alert that the Federal Reserve and other money managers are fueling a massive new asset “bubble” that will someday go KAPLOW BIOTCH and steal your savings, render you blind and take away all your TP after giving you the 100-day poops.
::: poop! :::

The Roubinator says the Fed is holding short-term interest rates near zero *NO!* and investors and speculators are borrowing big bucks on the cheap *ACK!* and using them to pick up all kinds of Wall-Streety type shit like stocks, bonds, gold, oil, minerals and foreign currencies – which sounds all *GREAT!* because that means prices go up and mega money can be made which is a big ol’ slice of *SWEET!*, right?

Ya, not so much.

‘Cuz *SHOCK* it can’t last.

Eventually the Fed’ll have to raise rates, peeps’ll be panic-selling their stashes all over the gat damn place and the next big cash crash’ll come down harder than Amy Winehouse after another Blaaaaaaaaaake breakup!
::: FFFFFWOP! :::

“The Fed and other policymakers seem unaware of the monster bubble they are creating,” the economical extrasensory insists. “The longer they remain blind, the harder the markets will fall.”

Time to flex your beggin’ hands, hobos!


November 11, 2009 at 10:37 am 1 comment

Happy 52nd Birthday Jesus!

Because the U.S. economy suffered its deepest contraction in a quarter century, the S&P 500 closed at 12-year low, China’s Premier Wen Jiabao confirms this New Great Depression hasn’t found a bottom yet and consumer confidence found a bigger, DEEPER cave to hide out in this month — I figured we were due for a little pick-me-up.

And no one can do that like today’s birthday boy – John Turturro!

That hot Italian sausage makes the sun come up every morning in the verdant bucolic mental getaway that is my personal happy place.

Just looking at him makes me tingly – and I know he makes you tingly too!
Don’t lie – I know he does!!
How can he not!?!

That slut is a more delicious morsel of marvelousness than a bacon-wrapped Marshmallow!!

I mean, if you weren’t sitting on the edge of your seat, scratching for just one more sheet at the bottom of the Kleenex box as you held a candle-light vigil and prayed for John Turturro brings the HOTPete to come back – COME BAAAACK! – from the nether-regions of froggydom and rejoin Delmar and Everett on their quest for buried treasure, well, then I think you need to schedule an emergency EKG to be sure you even still have a heart down deep in there somewhere.
That was serious method shit you just don’t find in most cinema these days!

Oh, ho, ho, TURTURRO — from Pino to pederast, Dude — nobody beats Barton Fink!

So – yes. Today I give you JT.
Because you need him.
Because we all do in these hard times where gloom is in bloom everywhere you look; where folks are forced to wear their despair like it’s some sort of fashion; where people just don’t know what to DO anymore!

I give you JT because I think it’s important, nay, IMPERATIVE that we take time to chill, reflect and ask ourselves one question:
What Would Turturro Do?’

… the answers are there, my friends …

February 28, 2009 at 4:50 pm 3 comments

Not THAT’S using your thinkin’ cap, Scooter!

Because no one can trust banks or bankers or tellers or the NASDAQ or the Nikkei or the S&P or the Hang Seng or the Dax or their broker or their broker’s secretary or the guy who cleans the lint out of the air-conditioning filter in their broker’s office in this New Great Depression … wait … damn, my train of thought derailed …what was I talking about?

Oh yeah …


So we’re  turning to the time-honored and trusted children’s treasury — the last bastion of guarded depositry left in these sorry times … The Piggy Bank!

Following a 2.8 percent rise in personal saving in November, stores are reporting a uptick in the sale of coin banks as broke-ass folk embrace their insolvency and look to the cob roller to safeguard their scratch.
::: … uh huh, that should work … ’till Uncle Nestor runs out of ways to pay for his ‘little problem’ … :::

“We definitely noticed a trend with the piggy banks,” said Erin Mara of Washington’s Homebody design store. “People were very upfront about the need to save … the pig is very symbolic of that sentiment,” she said.
::: ummmm, well yeah – unless you’re Buddhist, Jewish or follower of Islam — all of whom view the swine as definitely not devine … but hey, WHATEVER, right — using blind generalizations to make your point is a big, shiny bag of F-U-N!!! :::

And just how awesome is it all it took was losing our homes and jobs and cars and savings and self-respect to get us to keep a closer eye on our cash?
::: yeah, sure, awesome :::

And just how totally mega-über-ultra-awesomeriscious is it that our solution to making it through the worst financial crisis since the Old Great Depression is to use a child’s toy to guard our gravy?!?
::: Nine thousand gold stars, people!!! :::

So … like …



January 2, 2009 at 2:56 pm 4 comments

TARP for Dummies

Mr. Financial Industry: Say there Mrs. Congress, you sure are lookin’ nine kinds of fine on this bright October day! Can I have some money?

Mrs. Congress: Why thank you! Autumn is my season! I suppose I could come off a few bucks for old time’s sake – but I have to check with Mr. Government to make sure it’s ok.

Mr. Financial Industry: Oh certainly! He’s a wonderful leader who has always put our needs first.

Mrs. Congress: Hi George! Mr. Financial Industry was wondering if he could have some money and, since I know you and the banks are total bushmoneybffs to the end I figured it was ok .. ok?

Mr. Government: Money? For the banks? SAY NO MORE!! Is $700 billion enough?!?

Mrs. Congress: I think — for now — it should be enough. Do you want me to have Mr. Financial Industry sign for it or anything?

Mr. Government: Oh no! He and I go way back! NO STRINGS ATTACHED!

Mrs. Congress: Oh George, that’s wonderful! Mr. Financial Industry will be so happy! But, umm, where is the money coming from?

taxpayermoneyMr. Government: From Mr. and Mrs. Taxpayer, but don’t worry about your pretty little head over that insiginificant little detail.

Mrs. Congress: No worries then! I’ll give Mr. Financial Industry his big, fat, no-strings-attached check when we meet for dinner and drinks tonight.

Mr. Government: Sounds great! Make sure to tell him I might be a little late for our golf game on Saturday, ok?

Mrs. Congress: You got it, George!


… a distinctive chill slices through the air as the holidays close in. No one can afford to buy gifts or food or heat, since roughly 850,000 jobs have been eliminated in the two months since Mrs. Congress and Mr. Government gave Mr. Financial Industry his early Christmas bonus …


Mr. and Mrs. Taxpayer sit at their kitchen table, poring over bills and scratching their heads in wonderment at just how the 6% rate on their bank-financed credit card could have possibly ballooned to 28% seemingly overnight.

Mr. Taxpayer: I don’t understand! We’ve never paid that card late once in 12 years! Something must be wrong. Don’t worry honey, I’ll call the bank and find out what happened.


Mr. Taxpayer: Hello? Mr. Bank? Hi, this is Mr. Taxpayer. I noticed that the rate on my credit card went from low-interest to mega-ultra-shockingly-high interest sometime between 10:30 and 10:31 this morning. We’ve never been late on a payment – can you tell me what happened?

Mr. Bank’s Assistant: I’m sorry, Mr. Taxpayer, but Mr. Bank is on vacation this week. Can I help you?

Mr. Taxpayer: Yes, thank you. I was saying that I wanted to find out why my interest rate basically tripled in the last nanosecond … ooooh – there it goes again!

Mr. Bank’s Assistant: Oh that. Yes sir. That’s a new corporate ‘rate recovery’ policy that we’ve just instituted at random but across the board to select and preferred and targeted, umm, clientelle? Yes. Umm hmm.

Mr. Taxpayer: Wait. Fee what?

Mr. Bank’s Assistant: Fee Ree-cuh-ver-eee Proh-graaam. It’s designed to help offset Mr. Bank’s tremendous losses in this time of economic recession. I’m sure you understand.

Mr. Taxpayer: Not exactly. I mean, I just read in the newspaper that Mr. Bank just got a  big check from Mr. Government — using my money. What did Mr. Bank do with my money?

Mr. Bank’s Assistant: I’m really not at liberty to say, Mr. Taxpayer. You have the ‘basic’ account with us. That information is available only to our ‘premium’ clients.

Mr. Taxpayer: Ok. How do I become a ‘premium’ client?

Mr. Bank’s Assistant: Are you a lobbyist?

Mr. Taxpayer: No, ma’am. I’m a sheet metal fabricator

frustratedphoneMr. Bank’s Assistant: *laughs softly* Ok, I see. Well, then I’m afraid – no. You do not qualify for ‘premium’ status.

Mr. Taxpayer: Then how can I find out what Mr. Bank did with my money?

Mr. Bank’s Assistant: You could try calling his boss, Mr. Financial Industry, but I believe his office just instituted a comprehensive ‘rate recovery information abstinence’ program. Would you still like his number?

Mr. Taxpayer: Umm, yes, I guess …

Mr. Taxpayer hangs up the phone and turns to Mrs. Taxpayer with a look of determination, fear, dread and anger … he dials …

Mr. Taxpayer: Hello! Mr. Financial Industry?

Mr. Financial Industry: This is he.

Mr. Taxpayer: Hi, this is Mr. Taxpayer. I was calling to find out if you could please tell me what Mr. Bank did with the money you gave him?

Mr. Financial Industry: I really wouldn’t know. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a golf ga …

screwedMr. Taxpayer: NO! WAIT!!! Can you at least tell me then what you did with the money Mrs. Congress and Mr. Government gave you? That was my money too!

Mr. Financial Industry: Oh really … your money …

Mr. Taxpayer: Yes! That was MY money! What did you do with it?!?

Mr. Financial Industry: FUCK YOU, that’s what I did with it!

— click —
— dialtone—

Troubled Asset Relief Program: TARP


December 22, 2008 at 9:28 pm 7 comments

Dumbass of the Day

Once upon a time, a dumbass Chevy dealer [is there any other kind?] staged a dumbass Monster Truckgasm [again … ] so he could show the dumbass faithful how to ‘CRUSH THE COMPETITION!!!’

And by ‘crush the competition’ we mean, of course, that he would implement an incentive plan for more responsible SUV ownership leveraging new hybrid and E85 technological functionalities alongside an aggressive buy-back program as part of a broader 5-year phaseout strategy.

Just kidding!

He was gonna fuck some shit UP, y’all!

James Severtson of Hilo, Hawaii’s Island Chevrolet had the bright idea of rolling a retardedly mountainous American-made machine over some silly ass Asian rice-burner, ‘cuz, you know – ‘that’ll show ’em’ … or something …
::: my my, how original :::

“We’d like to send the message that the best way to support your country is to buy an American vehicle today,” Severtson said.

So Brainiac arranged for a Chevrolet Suburban SUV …
::: Umm, would that be the Chevy Suburban made in Janesville, Wisconsin or the one made in Silao … MEXICO??? :::

… outfitted with massive tires costing $5,000 apiece
::: Well sure! Because in these hard economic times, what better way to illustrate the woes of the American automotive industry than to dump $20k on tires  … :::

… to annihilate the  Marysville, Ohio -YOUESSOFAYYYY-made Honda Accord
::: USA! USA! :::

‘Cept the dumbass plan didn’t exactly go according to … well, the dumbass plan!

On the first attempt, the Suburban blew a hydraulic hose and sprung a big ol’ leak … while the Honda remained intact and ready for more.
::: ruh roh :::

After several embarassing hours, the truck was repaired and the driver tried again — but this time he added a Hyundai Excel to the mix.
::: Whew! Becuase, unlike the Hyundai Santa Fe and Sonata, which are made in Alabama, the post-95 Excel (AKA the Accent) IS foreign made … so, like YAY, woohoo and coolification — they got one right! :::

In the end, the Suburban drove over the cars’ hoods and destroyed their windshields … while onlookers the dumbass faithful squealed with [what else?] dumbass delight.

… and the American auto industry was saved … or … not …

December 22, 2008 at 4:47 pm 3 comments

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