Posts tagged ‘writing’

As The World Turned …


What the hell, people!!
A bitch can’t even take a couple of days to get her bereavement on without the whole world going berserk!?!

First I hear that John Madden is hangin’ up the mic and I’m all ‘Can he really do that? Is he even allowed to do that?!?’
::: I bet he goes 20 kinds of Favre by August :::

Then I read that Delta’s ditching their thoroughly detested practice of outsourcing customer service calls to India and I was all ‘Woo hoo! Jobs r comin’ JOBS R COMIN’!’

But that happy had a hella short shelf-life once I self-schooled on GM’s continued bid to be the New Great Depression poster child by shuttering US plants and cutting another 1,600 jobs — even as the company prepares to build factories in China.
::: Their shit actually sells in China … who knew! :::

That gak had me feeling all the bad emotions until I got the 4-1-1 on my badass boyfriend’s semi-awkward olive-branchiness toward Cuba and I’m all ‘Oh God of Outdated Political Policy – could it be? Could it really beeeee????? Might we finally be done with this fossilized Cold War crapola?!?’
::: … it has been a goddamned half century, after all … :::

But I don’t think I felt the full weight of what transpired in the world while I was ‘away’ until my vodka-tonic stupor wore off it was revealed that Amy Winehouse is planning to adopt and cracktise some poor little St. Lucian who is clearly unaware that ‘daughter’ and ‘drug mule’ don’t exactly mean the same thing.
::: Run kid — don’t ask for explanations … just run! :::

And so now I’m all ‘Fuuuuuck! What is there to drink for breakfast, anyway …’

April 20, 2009 at 2:54 pm 2 comments

Feedin’ time!


HOOOOOOOOOOOOO DAWGIES!!!!

Bein’ as we’ez so broke-ass broke an all, I’s oh’veer thinkin’ I’s gonna be shit outta luck an luv this Valentahnz Day — but Wahffel Haus dun saved it fer me!
::: Thank Yew Wahffel Haus!!! :::

They’s off’rin up a real nice candelaht dinner, wut wi’ wyte tablecloth an everthang!
::: ahhh romanse! :::

I s’poze they did it lass year er sumthin like ‘at an fohk’s took to it like salt on a ‘mayter cuz they’s doin’ it a-gin

… an yew no wut?
I am all a-bout it!!!!

Stan bak! Cuz I’m fixin’ to git twiiny kinds o’ Skatter’d, Smuther’d, Kuhver’d, Chunk’d, Top’d an Dahs’d!!

SOURCE

February 12, 2009 at 6:30 pm 7 comments

Let’s talk about sex, baybee!


The Palm Beach Post has ideas, y’all!

postspelApparently not satisfied that mangling headlines and shoving the really annoying shit other pubs call ‘news’ to the bottom of the page screams “We’re goin’ DOWN, bitches!!!quiiiiite loud enough … the Post has decided to add ‘sex colunmist’ the list of positions they’ll be cutting in the next round of  layoffs.
::: Always think ahead!! :::

reporterAt least that’s the rumor I heard last night from someone who works for a competitor who’s name I won’t mention but who’s initials are The South Florida Sun Sentinel.

If this nugget is true, then the Post’s intrepid health reporter has been  bangin’ on doors all over the place looking for the next Dr. Ruth or Dr. Drew or — I can only hope — Dan Savage.

Unfortunately, it’s the Post, so I think I can go out on a limb here and predict with about a gozillion percent accuracy that we can count out the raunchy hee hees someone like Savage would bring.
::: sad face :::

Nope, it’s the Post.
Home of the Charticle.
Land of the Bland.


We’ll get two and a half months of some watered-down Courting Disaster ripoff with a creepy Aunt Marge avatar cautioning the Q-Tips not to ‘get frisky’ with their dentures in before the deafening laughter and endless fingerpointing force the powers that be to add this idea to their growing pile of ‘can’t sell’.
::: bow chicka, umm, yeah – not so much … :::

December 12, 2008 at 6:28 pm 26 comments

Accuracy, accurasea, akyura … wait. What?


So, OJ Simpson was sentenced today for his role in a 2007 raid on a Las Vegas hotel room where two collectibles dealers were robbed of a bunch of sports memorabilia and blah blah we’re-so-shocked-he’s-goin’-to-the-slammer blah …

Too bad no one paid attention to the little details … like just how much time he’ll have to look for ‘the real killers’ in prison.

oj

Thanks journos who weren’t part of the historic massive employment bloodletting this year and are lucky to still collect a paycheck from a job you’ve clearly given up on already!!!!!! It’s good to know we can‘t count on you!

December 5, 2008 at 10:10 pm 28 comments

The Name Game


There are people in this world who shouldn’t even be allowed to breed — let alone name their offspring.

Case Study:
<— Asshat Simpson and her freakish emo baby daddy, Pete Wentzhispants

These two goddamned twits named their sad, unfortunate spawn …  Bronx.

And it gets worse.

The brat’s full brand is Bronx Mowgli Wentz

wentzBronx.
Mowgli.
Wentz.

NO WAY  you can say it without sounding like Elmer Fudd!

Aside from having waaaayyyyyy too many of ALL of the weird vowels and consonants – they named their kid after the poorest Congressional district in the entire fucking country … and a fictional character who’s name may or may not mean ‘frog’.

Jesusmaryandjoseph! Just nickname the little bastard ‘target of unbridled youth aggression’ already because that’s exactly what he’s gonna be.

SOURCE

November 21, 2008 at 4:03 pm 6 comments

Sarah Palin is Vice-President of loungechairs!


large-msg-122671383782large-msg-122669372725Disappointed she couldn’t see Cuba from her Miami hotel balcony, the Alaskan Hotness took time out from her hectic schedule of birthin’ babies, buying couture, being all mavericky and showing up basically everyone else who attended last week’s Republican Governor’s Association meeting to get her tan on … oh, and plot the Palin World Domination 2012 tour.

Don’t be fooled by the lack of hair product! Her Supreme Snowyness is totally clocked-in, solutionizing all the complicatedly complex problematic stuff facing the fine folks of the great energy producing state of Alaska.
::: big red dog, Big Red Dog — keep an eye on that BIG RED DOG!!! :::

I bet there’s all kinds of hush-hush, top-secrety type stuff in what appears to be a $1,500 Balenciaga ‘Weekender’ handbag oh so casually thrown to the end of the chaise.

spchampMmm hmmmm … yuppers. Totally  worki .. uh … wha … is that … champagne??

… ACK! … feel dizzy … mouth dry … light heade … uhh what’s happeni …

Oooooooooo I think I need a gravity check. I am suddenly feeling all … tingly for this woman!

I mean, except for the whole no-coherent-thought-wannabe-world-leader-darn-tootin’-hockey-mom-pay-no-attention-to-the-man-behind-the-curtain-I-may-look-purty-but-am-really-really-REALLY-stupid thingamabobanstuff – we are soooo much alike!

She understands the benefits of ditching work to lay out.
::: sooooo important! :::
She sees value in ridiculously overpriced accessories billed to Mr. Notmybankaccount.
::: CRUCIAL! :::
And she has a firm grasp on what is the absolute quickest way to my pinko commie liberal bleeding heart … BOOZE!!!
::: we are one :::

*sniff — I totally  her right now!

SOURCE

November 18, 2008 at 5:02 pm 1 comment

Wait. What?


sentinelwhat

Mah brain’s gettin’ a confusion contusion!
Glad I voted early!

… stay tuned …

November 4, 2008 at 6:23 pm

Older Posts


This is the shit you bitches are reading


Creative Commons License
Lifeisacookie is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 3.0 United States License.


%d bloggers like this: