Posts tagged ‘writer’

As The World Turned …

What the hell, people!!
A bitch can’t even take a couple of days to get her bereavement on without the whole world going berserk!?!

First I hear that John Madden is hangin’ up the mic and I’m all ‘Can he really do that? Is he even allowed to do that?!?’
::: I bet he goes 20 kinds of Favre by August :::

Then I read that Delta’s ditching their thoroughly detested practice of outsourcing customer service calls to India and I was all ‘Woo hoo! Jobs r comin’ JOBS R COMIN’!’

But that happy had a hella short shelf-life once I self-schooled on GM’s continued bid to be the New Great Depression poster child by shuttering US plants and cutting another 1,600 jobs — even as the company prepares to build factories in China.
::: Their shit actually sells in China … who knew! :::

That gak had me feeling all the bad emotions until I got the 4-1-1 on my badass boyfriend’s semi-awkward olive-branchiness toward Cuba and I’m all ‘Oh God of Outdated Political Policy – could it be? Could it really beeeee????? Might we finally be done with this fossilized Cold War crapola?!?’
::: … it has been a goddamned half century, after all … :::

But I don’t think I felt the full weight of what transpired in the world while I was ‘away’ until my vodka-tonic stupor wore off it was revealed that Amy Winehouse is planning to adopt and cracktise some poor little St. Lucian who is clearly unaware that ‘daughter’ and ‘drug mule’ don’t exactly mean the same thing.
::: Run kid — don’t ask for explanations … just run! :::

And so now I’m all ‘Fuuuuuck! What is there to drink for breakfast, anyway …’

April 20, 2009 at 2:54 pm 2 comments

Meghan McCain: Dating Martyr

Big Mac ruined EVERYTHING!

First he fucked up what could have been the absolute best ménage à troi in political history.
::: idiot! :::

Then his rabid race-baiting followers grossed voters out even more than his geezer locks and lemony Chiclets.
::: 5 words peepaw: Elizabeth Arden Red Door Spa :::

AND NOW his losery loserness has just wreaked utter havoc on daughter Meghan’s love life!
::: nice going, DAD!!! :::

“Of all the things people warned would happen post-election, no one ever said anything about how complicated dating would become,” the lonely ‘ho boo hooed in a blog post for The Daily Beast.
::: … someone needs John Edwards’ cell number – STAT … :::

“There are things that have been difficult, but nothing quite as tough as dating. I fear the election has destroyed my ability and desire to date.”
::: So you had to take one for the team … MAN UP!! ::: 

Miserable Megs also moaned about not going on a single date – NOT A SINGLE ONE! – during the whole and entire presidential campaign.
Bitch was just too busy to get bizzay.

But now that her dad’s put the old Straight Talk Express in park, Meghan’s ready to get her groove on!
Only she can’t.
‘Cuzza dad.

“Once I went out with a guy who said the food I had ordered was a “maverick choice” and proceeded to tell me, “Wow, straight talking must run in the family.”
::: Important Tip: eHarmony doesn’t screen out McCainiacs :::

Then there was that psycho fan of her mother, Cindy McCain, who recently told her she could be “his Cindy,” and asked if she ever wore pearls like her mother.

“Any guy that has a fetish for older women in pantsuits [Hillary] and large pearls [Barbara Bush] obviously only finds my last name attractive about me,” she wrote.
::: It really is your best feature, honey :::

“I am sure I am not being fair to all the men out there, but my recent experiences have left me scarred and wary of dating. At this point, my biggest aphrodisiac is an apathetic attitude toward politics.”

Allow me to introduce you to the perfect contestants for your dating game:
DMX … and Fiddy

Problem Solved.
Case Closed.
Now STFU and go gitcha swerve on, girl!


March 3, 2009 at 4:39 pm 24 comments

Feedin’ time!


Bein’ as we’ez so broke-ass broke an all, I’s oh’veer thinkin’ I’s gonna be shit outta luck an luv this Valentahnz Day — but Wahffel Haus dun saved it fer me!
::: Thank Yew Wahffel Haus!!! :::

They’s off’rin up a real nice candelaht dinner, wut wi’ wyte tablecloth an everthang!
::: ahhh romanse! :::

I s’poze they did it lass year er sumthin like ‘at an fohk’s took to it like salt on a ‘mayter cuz they’s doin’ it a-gin

… an yew no wut?
I am all a-bout it!!!!

Stan bak! Cuz I’m fixin’ to git twiiny kinds o’ Skatter’d, Smuther’d, Kuhver’d, Chunk’d, Top’d an Dahs’d!!


February 12, 2009 at 6:30 pm 7 comments

RIP John Updike


January 27, 2009 at 8:09 pm 4 comments

Let’s talk about sex, baybee!

The Palm Beach Post has ideas, y’all!

postspelApparently not satisfied that mangling headlines and shoving the really annoying shit other pubs call ‘news’ to the bottom of the page screams “We’re goin’ DOWN, bitches!!!quiiiiite loud enough … the Post has decided to add ‘sex colunmist’ the list of positions they’ll be cutting in the next round of  layoffs.
::: Always think ahead!! :::

reporterAt least that’s the rumor I heard last night from someone who works for a competitor who’s name I won’t mention but who’s initials are The South Florida Sun Sentinel.

If this nugget is true, then the Post’s intrepid health reporter has been  bangin’ on doors all over the place looking for the next Dr. Ruth or Dr. Drew or — I can only hope — Dan Savage.

Unfortunately, it’s the Post, so I think I can go out on a limb here and predict with about a gozillion percent accuracy that we can count out the raunchy hee hees someone like Savage would bring.
::: sad face :::

Nope, it’s the Post.
Home of the Charticle.
Land of the Bland.

We’ll get two and a half months of some watered-down Courting Disaster ripoff with a creepy Aunt Marge avatar cautioning the Q-Tips not to ‘get frisky’ with their dentures in before the deafening laughter and endless fingerpointing force the powers that be to add this idea to their growing pile of ‘can’t sell’.
::: bow chicka, umm, yeah – not so much … :::

December 12, 2008 at 6:28 pm 26 comments

I mind that he did

What is it about The View that makes people pimping their books lose their damned minds and blab all their nasty, private, potentially criminal business to the entire free world?
::: Hasselbiatch :::

Perma-Jaundiced George Hamilton appeared on the chatfest to hype his memoirs ‘Don’t Mind If I Do’ when he confessed to the planet via the unholy tribunal that he was raped by his 28-year-old stepmother, June Howard, when he was 12 … ‘cept tomatohead didn’t phrase it quite that way.

When I was 12 I had a relationship with my stepmother… It was very normal. She didn’t make me feel bad about it. It wasn’t dirty,” he blabbed. “Was I molested? Damn, I’m down for it again,’ he said, laughing like a moron who suddenly realizes he said a bunch more words than he might should have and now he’s got some ‘splainin’ to do!

As the story goes, Georgie boy was living his dear ol’ divorced dad and his stepwhore in New York when the whole nasty mess began.

“One rainy day, when dad was at work, I was lying on the daybed in the living room where I had been sleeping,’ he writes in the book. “June, in an ice-blue peignoir, came over to join me. She didn’t say anything. She just lay down beside me for a while, then mentioned something about “cuddling”. What followed was as natural as the birds and bees neither of my parents had gotten around to telling me about.

“From my point of view it wasn’t something so crazy  –  I don’t think it warped me in my life.”
::: uuuhhh huuuhhhhh ::: 

No warpage at all! In Hammy’s world statutory rape is natural – de rigeur, if you will.
Ladies pushin’ 30 gettin’ their groove on with middle school lads — yep — totally normal.

But hey, I’ve heard you can’t rape the willing, so maybe he’s onto something there, I don’t know. But what I do know is — I DON’T WANT TO KNOW ABOUT THIS SHIT, GEORGE!!!!!

Once you know something like this, you can’t un-know it! It’s like info-herpes — once you have it, it’s always there …

Seriously dude – you were funny as the wacky, out-of-touch plastic surgeon in Doc Hollywood and I think you’re mildly appealing in those baked chip commercials where you poke fun at your own sun-dried-tomato-yness.
You have matured into a somewhat nifty piece of comic relief of the totally non-sexual nature. Throwing your peen back into the mix now, when you’re like 1,000 years old is just breach of contract!

Know your role, peepaw!

Good grief! I have barely healed the deep (DEEP) emotional scars suffered after watching Barbara Walters’ desperate attempt to stay relevant by broadcasting tales of a thirty-year-old bi-racial booty call with a married US Senator and now I have to deal with this mess?!?

I can’t tell you how much time and money I had to devote to serious freebasing and heavy drinking therapy just to get the awful, horrible, vomitous image of Babs’ kneeknockers jigglin’ all over hell and creation while she bumped fuglies with this Edward Bro … OH FUCK — I CAN STILL SEE IT!!!

Thanks a lot, George!


October 20, 2008 at 10:41 am

Orlando’s Boob Tuber Just That

The Orlando Sentinel’s “TV Guy” has decided to do an open-Internet casting call query over who should play the title role of the real-life Casey Anthony drama.

My first reaction to this stunt was a pretty powerful gag reflex type deal. But, in truth, I shouldn’t be surprised it’s come to this.

Newspapers are dying, which means they’re full of desperate people clutching the last fragments of a fading career as they sink to all-new lows to generate views.

And so Hal Boedecker, the TV Guy wants to know who you, Joe Reader, would cast as queen of the lying liars Casey Anthony.

Ok, fine, I’ve got some time on my hands this morning. What the hell …

I agree with posters Faye, Cindy and Casey is a Whorse that Hal’s a douchebag hack riding the coattails of tragedy and making a mockery of a probable murder for his own gain, but I would be remiss if I didn’t congratulate posters Ashley, Bill and any others who correctly cast Alyssa Milano as horror mom Casey Anthony.

So, there you go. Zip. Zap. Bam.
Can we be done with this horseshit now?

October 17, 2008 at 3:09 pm 1 comment

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