Posts tagged ‘woman’

Ad … Nauseum?


No, this is not me making a mad dash for my secret hiding place when the po po unexpected company has arrived.
::: I mean really. The couch? OBVIOUS! :::

This is not me looking for that ‘little extra’ I sometimes need but have to hide strategically protectionize locationally.
::: Like I’d leave it where your chirrenz could steal it?!? Never! :::

This is not me putting a fresh coat of tummy gargle on the living-room Pergo.
::: Well, actually it could be. But it’s not. THIS time. :::

This is an advertisement.

A wide shot of some bitch’s admittedly hot ass is the cerebral creation I have to believe a bunch of dumb Madison Avenue morons conveived at the conclusion of a long afternoon spent high on Hawaiian salt, trying to relive those long-long gone high school glory days when all it took was a not-exactly-creative ‘nice ass’ and a driver’s licenes to get you nine-kinds of in the door.

‘Cept the ad isn’t edgy or creative or even fun.
It’s pathetic.

Because it’s too easy.

I mean, who doesn’t know that the seat of all power, the center of known universe, the source of all natural wealth, health and happiness – as well as everything in reverse to the extreme times a gozillion – is and forever will be the Great Garden of Lady Goodness that makes the world go ’round?!?

Frealz.
We run this shit.

Which means this had to be the brainchildfart of actual grown-up type-human most-likely-male-type chromosome-carriers.
Old-type ones.

Because that kind of generic ‘nice ass’ coming from a bunch of 50-60-ish adver-guys in ties gawking at the Hooter’s waitstaff while trying to evolve an idea has the same pathetic ring as ‘I live with my mom’ from a 30-ish trick trying to pick me you up at Applebee’s.

Just sayin’.
Can’t you do better?!

Guess not.

Because the Maddy’s testosterone mind meld apparently had them feeling enough ‘Captain’s of Concept’ that they were able to convince their poor schmuck of a client to buy the back covers of aawlll the supermarket ‘oids to showcase their duhhhh moment for all the world to witness.

Because I guess they don’t realize that this is a SHEconomy where 85% of all brand purchases are made by … WOMEN!
In case you didn’t know, this includes homes, cars, health care, food and medicines.
Hmmmmm, is this ass ad trying to sell us one of those???

Because I guess they also don’t realize that 91% of the value validating vajayjays out there feel advertisers *SHOCK* don’t understand them.

Because they really think the chuff is gonna help sell …


October 16, 2011 at 7:46 pm 1 comment

Touched by an angel


Feet up — flip-flops barely hangin’ on — gettin’ my Mojito on and takin’ in the sunset along the Intracoastal at The Old House this weekend, I was all, ‘Life just doesn’t get any better than this!’

But then it did.
Because she walked in.

A glistening summer ray of delicate womanity so exceptional mere mortals dare not rest eyes too long for they would certainly go blind from the unfathomable ferociousness of her infinite beauty.

Behold the sun-damaged Herbal Essence Chardonnay Shimmery locks! The desiccated body bark!! The overtipped French Maniclaw as it guides an unsuspecting bottle of Bud [aka Heaven’s Nectar] toward the gaping maw of celestial refinement!!!

You just can’t fake that kind of intrinsic sophistication and class!!

Her grace so overwhelmed me that I wanted to climb atop the seawall guardrail and command to the masses:
“Bow down in the presence of so rare a gem, commoners!! Bow DOWN!”

But I dared not for fear that the good Lord himself would intervene and end my shit if I dared distrurb the tasetful pursuits of his most elegant angel.

Instead, I paid sloshy, yet silent homage to the careworn cougar, wished her well on her midday pub crawl and returned to the humdrum, ordinary existence of the non-chosen — wholly satisfied with my place in life now that I’d been blessed to spend even the most nano of seconds in the presence of such flawless femininity.

Glide on golden goddess… glide on …

nottie

July 27, 2009 at 3:40 pm 8 comments

POP QUIZ!!!


18311284_640x360ht_tuckruskye_081216_mn

OK OK OK – Can anyone tell me what these two hoochie twats have in common?

Is it:
1.) A deep love of peroxide?
2.) The Jaclyn Smith collection at K-Mart?
3.) The two-for-one burger bonanza at Checkers?
4.) A penchant for prepubescent peen?

From the looks of these, uhh, “ladies” you might logically conclude 1, 2 OR 3 … but it’s actually Number Four that binds these bitches together as sisters in sin.
::: Calling SHAME – party of two? SHAME – party of two … :::

yuckHo’bag on the left is 45-year-old Elizabeth Gaddy, who likes Maybelline products, long walks on the beach and gettin’ touchy with 13-year-old schoolboys at her house or on a dirt road or, you know, wherever … 

And the raggedy piece of dried-up skank on the right is 44-year-old Joan Tuckruskye, who likes to get nekkid in the back of her Nissan Pathfinder and offer [you guessed it] 13-year-olds a slice of her fuit-pie nasties.

You know, not for nothin’ here, but there really outta be a national outreach program dedicated to training our youth in Black Ops evasion techniques and supersweet Ninja moves so they can bust a bitch UP and swing on outta there whenever one of these post-menopausal mastodons makes a move on their jubbly bits.

No joke!
Teach the children … and teach them well – because you can NEVER underestimate the destructive power of Avon perfume, Strawberry Hill and needy middle-aged vag strapped with little-boy LoJack … that shit will mess you UP!

December 19, 2008 at 3:39 pm 11 comments

Hair apparent …


Rihanna may want to rethink that ‘do because, according to Showbiz Spy, she was mistaken for Prince on a recent trip to London.
::: she’s a man, baby! :::

“Some fans screamed out, ‘Prince!’ when they saw her, SBS reports. “But when they got close enough to ask for an autograph, they realized he was a she.”

AWKWARD!

October 3, 2008 at 2:13 pm

Hot tranny mess …


But not the kind you’re thinking …

Editor and Publisher is echoing the ‘calling out’ Queerty gave New York Post cartoonist Sean Delonas over his apparent on-the-job lazy-assness … or, as I remember it being called in J-school – self-plagiarism.

Writes E&P: Two recent “Delonas cartoons were about Thomas Beatie, a transgender man who is reportedly pregnant. (Beatie was born a woman and took testosterone to look like a man; the female organs were left intact.)”

So just how similar were Delonas’ drawings?
Judge for yourself:

April 6, 2008:
April 10, 2008 Sean Delonas New York Post editorial cartoon

June 10, 2008:
June 10, 2008 Sean Delonas New York Post editorial cartoon

Yeeeaaahhhhh …

June 18, 2008 at 10:43 am 6 comments


This is the shit you bitches are reading


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