Posts tagged ‘wife’

FELINE FUCKERY!


Cat person or not — crap like this should make you want to immediately stop whatever you’re doing and go coin-diggin’ in the car or couch so you can start a collection or host a telethon or some shit to help these heinous humans BUY A GODDAMNED CLUE!!!!!

ACK!!!

Meet the Eskew family of Port St. Lucie, Florida: Jackbag James, Shithead Sheila and Jessica, their dumbass daughter.
————————–>

These evolutionary-scale throwbacks were arrested on animal cruelty charges after they decided it would be just a big ol’ slice of HELL YEAH to pack up everything for their pending move to North Cackalackee.

And by ‘pack up everything‘ I mean force more than 20 of their furry friends into wooden boxes coffins, nail the lids closed and dump ’em in the neighbor’s yard.

me-OWW!!!

Now — animal cruelty charges are all find and good (actually — it’s the LEAST that should happen to these sick tricks) but I think this troublesome trio should also be charged with whatever criminal thingamabob, trip to detention or mark on their permanent records goes along with depriving the larger community of what couldda been catastically comical!

CURSE YOU CAT-HATERS!

I mean, have they never had the pleasure of the LOLCATS pussies?
Are they not hip to the trip that is a YouTube kitty vid?
funnycatpix.com?!
zomgcatz.com?!?
roflcat.com?!?!

No?!
Grrrr!

Get with the program inbreeders!
Don’t make me invoke the spirit of Beethoven and come after your retarded asses!!

SOURCE

May 4, 2010 at 3:56 pm 3 comments

Dumbass of the Day


A Florida man – separated from the missus for a measely four days – couldn’t handle not gettin’ handled and decided the most prudent way to procure the poontang was to go full-retard and TAKE IT, BITCHES!

The 24-year-old was *SHOCK* drunk when he went to the house where his bride was residing, removed an air-conditioning unit, climbed through the window and proceeded to TAKE IT, BITCHES!

‘Cept the little woman brought the ‘Hell Naw!’ to that action and called the cops on his alked-up ass.

When police arrived, Drunky McStupid walked away from them, refused to provide identification and was *SHOCK* put in handcuffs.

After being cuffed, he told the officer that he “has not gotten any in three weeks and he was going to get some.”

He was taken to jail – where is he will *SHOCK* surely ‘get some’. ūüėČ

SOURCE

April 28, 2010 at 11:50 am 1 comment

Happy Layoff To You, Happy Layoff To You!


Old and busted: Surprising the birthday girl with streamers, balloons and cake on her special day
New Hotness: Surprising the birthday girl with the prospect of being laid off on her special day

A certain green-eyed girl I know is about to have a birthday.
A very important birthday.
A 29th birthday which, as we all know, is the true and undeniable symbolic end to the folly and childlike innocence drunken nonstop insanity of youth … which, as we all know, calls for a party with streamers, balloons and cake.

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!
NOT THIS TIME, BIOTCH!!

[NAME REDACTED],
Please be advise you are required to attend a confidential meeting on Tuesday, April 13, 2010 in the HR conference room.  Your manager will advise you of the meeting agenda on that date.

Regards
[NAME REDACTED]
Human Resources Employment Manager

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!

Ohhhhh, let me just tell you there is NO joy quite as joyously joyful as the act of freaking a friend’s shit so bad that every drop of blood drains from her face in less than a nanosecond!!

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!
GOOD TIMES!

But the best part isn’t even the wickedly FANTABULOUS HR prank – which, as we all know, is HELLAMEGAYEAH great.
Nope.
The best part was her hubster’s advice:

“I think that no matter what you should wear a party hat to the meeting. That way if it is a birthday thing then you’ve shown them that you weren’t fooled.

If, on the other hand, it is a firing – they simply cannot fire you … not wearing a birthday hat.

And if it is a departmental downsizing then they’ll want to keep you because you’ve obviously got the best attitude … you know … wearing a party hat to the down sizing.”

√úBERHELLAMEGAYEAH!!!!!

Party City here I come!!!

*smooches girl*

April 7, 2010 at 10:02 am 6 comments

Cheating just got easier (to prove)


BEWARE!!!

Social media is the worst thing ever created in the history of all histories and you should totally freak your shit over it because — before it kills you 20 kinds of dead — it’ll fuck your spouse, eff your biz and just flat out ruin your life.

Yuh huh! Will so!!
Bona fide RESEARCH proves it!!!

See, some schmoe from some divorce website heard that social sites like Facebook are really just all about sexy chatty times and were, therefore,¬†a fundamental factor in the fragmentation of marital unions all over the gat damned place, so he put on his ‘how can I use this to get free publicity for my website’ hat and got all probey!
::: It’s not their fault!! The INTERWEBS made them cheat!!! :::

Divorce-Online’s Mark Keenan scanned the his company’s database for the word “Facebook” and found 989 instances of the word in 5,000 petitions.

Horror!

“I was really surprised to see 20 percent of all the petitions containing references to Facebook,” said Keenan, who clearly just fell off the turnip truck this morning.

SHOCK!!

Other social networking sites, including MySpace, Bebo and Twitter, also featured heavily in the sample of 5,000 divorce papers studied.

OUTRAGE!!!

And just what lewd labors came to light over the social networking landscape?
::: HINT: Answer graph three … :::

“The most common reason seemed to be people having inappropriate sexual chats with people they were not supposed to.”

Inappropriate sexual chats.
Inappropriate sexual chats?!

Puh-LEEZ!
I have that in my Bag O’ Get The Best Treadmill At The Gym Tricks!
::: Because it’s the only way to get Mr. Overmuscled Roidhead Assmaster off my machine! :::

I have that in my How To Make The Tightass At Work Nervous Handbook!!
::: Because, oh who are we kidding? That shit’s just fucking funny is why! :::

I have that in my Ways To Get Mr. Cookie To Do … oh wait … we’re married, that doesn’t count.
::: #17! #17!!!!! :::

But whatever!
Inappropriate sexual chats.
Uh huh, sure … I’m all … meh …

Where’s the porn?
The passionless partners?
The innate penchant for hanky panky???

Has social media also killed those time-tested requisite exercises in infidelity?!?

I don’t know … but I DO know that Mr. Divorce Website’s serious scientifical researchification proves one thing: Cheaters better check it before they wreck it because these days dirty chat’s all you need to claim they’ve done the deed.

But, hey, turn those frowns upside down all you sadder but wiser spouses out there!
There IS  a bright side!
Writechic has found the perfect gift for YOU!

SOURCE

December 22, 2009 at 11:26 am 6 comments

Pubic Servant


KarzaiHi!
My name is Hamid Karzai.

I like being President of Afghanistan, bowing to political pressure and giving support to hubsters in my ‘hood who wanna get their spousal starvation on!

REMEMBER TO VOTE FOR ME THIS WEEK!

Sad.
But true.

This is what happened:
Human Rights Watch discovered just last week that a revised version of the Shiite Personal Status Law had been *shhh* quietly put into effect at the end of July.

This is why it sucks dick (or, rather, why she has to):
The law gives Shiite men in Afghanistan the legal right to starve their wives if their sexual demands aren’t met. It also mandates that Shiite women must get their husband’s captor’s permission to even leave their houses, ‚Äúexcept in extreme circumstances.‚ÄĚ
::: and by ‘except in extreme circumstances’ they mean ‘except when he razor-rapes her and¬†lights her hair on fire … THEN it’s ok to leave … maaaayyyybe’ :::

Oh but it doesn’t matter now.
See —¬†unlike America where campaign promises go *POOF* as soon as the oath is orated — political allies in Afghanistan get to re-write whole laws ‘n shit if they have enough clout to keep your Ben Kingsley-looking ass in office.

asifmThis latest gem was the brainchild of that hot slut himself — Sheik Muhammad Asif Mohseni —¬†the country‚Äôs most powerful Shiite cleric,¬†who along with¬†other ‘gina-haters were pretty pleased their ‘Bitch Better Blow Me Or It’s Starvation City!’ provision made it through, but reportedly had a serious Shiite-fit when their pedophilic plans to allow pervs to marry girls younger than 16 met with the legal hell naw.
::: Can’t win ’em all, gents! :::

H’i’mabit Kraizee signed the misogynistic measure because he’s an evil, soulless sellout dependent on support from Mohseni in this week‚Äôs presidential election.

Abdullah Abdullah, anyone? Anyone?

SOURCE

August 18, 2009 at 10:53 am 7 comments

Minding their ‘business’


“There are definitely gonna be tough parts in marriage. You have to look at those tough times and remember that you have essentially a business contract with this person. You’ve signed an agreement: You’re going to be together. And you look at it that way as you work through the tough times, because I guarantee the better time is there on the other side. That’s how we’ve looked at it.”

Sarah Palin in a March 2009 interview with Esquire magazine

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6a00d834515edc69e200e5539683a58834-800wiAnd business is business, right?

AlaskaReport.com is, well, reporting that Sarah and Todd Palin are gonna quit the love after more than two decades of breeding, being stupid Republican and generally blaming everyone else for the asshatted idiocy that has become their lives.
::: WAH-silla :::

According to *SHOCK* “unnamed sources,” a National Enquirer story alleging extramarital fuckery¬†on both sides led to the total fuckification of Palin pairing and the sheer stress and all-out anxiety from all those alleged no-no sexy times is what really led to Palin’s resignation as governor of Alaska … allegedly.

Now, I don’t know about Todd but I’m gonna guess he was giving the peen to some Fairbanks fishmongrette with a gift for skinning salmon and a love for all things Nushagak.
And Sarah? Well, you remember the story. Sure you do! The one where she’s gettin’ her O-face on with Todd’s bestest buddy – snowmobile salesman Brad Hanson?
Yep – that one. And, since the Enquirer was right about that whole John Edwards mess, they’ve got street cred now so everything they write is true and shit. Umm hmm.

AnyPalinsucksanywaysowhothefuckcares, “sources” are also blabbing that Sarah stopped wearing her wedding ring weeks ago AND that she recently bought land in Montana. Well that’s just as good as confirmation, isn’t it?

Get ready to flee Montanas! Track, Bristol, Willow, Piper, Trig and grandbehbeh Tripp [but not the Toddster] may be headed your way!

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August 2, 2009 at 1:12 pm 3 comments

Copy Kellys


Is there some bodysnatchers shit going on up in here?

duoThese two bitches are the same person!

Well no. Not really.
But they are both named Kelly Hildebrandt and they are¬†gettin’ hitched!

The couple met when she-Kelly¬†looked up her name on Facebook to see if she had a dubilicious ditto out there and wouldn’t you just know it? There was¬†he-Kelly.
::: MNT 2 B :::

Three weeks later, K-peen decided ‘enough with shis virtual shit’, bought a ticket and flew his Texan ass to Florida to check out¬†K-vag IRL.

Dude liked the total package, proposed eight months later and now these two sluts are about to get their I Do’s on!
::: Well duuuhhhhh! She is hot :::

But don’t worry. I mean, it’s not like they’re from Alabama or West Virginia or anything.
They say they’ve checked¬†ancestry records from, bnameslike, 250 years or some shit and have¬†confirmed they are¬†not blood relations so consummation is for sures on the up-and-up, which is awesome because that means that, instead of doing something “Hollywoody” and labeling their lambs¬†Xerox and Ditto and Clone, they can continue the title tradition (and lay the groundwork for their own reality series I’ll go out on a limb and predict will be called The Doppelgangers) by pushing little¬†Kelli and Kelee and Kehley around town in their very own¬†Mountain Buggy Urban Triple!!

And when that glorious day comes — somewhere over a fat-blasting G-Broil Supreme, George Foreman¬†will be¬†smiling in approval …

SOURCE

July 20, 2009 at 2:37 pm 1 comment

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