Posts tagged ‘weird’

Wednesday WTF

I thought I was having an acid flashback, then assumed I was just still hungover when someone in the office pulled this shittin’ thing out of the long filing cabinet next to her office.

Unfortunately, I wasn’t.
And, being sober and lucid, I can see no reason whatsoever at all in any way for any reason at any time for this … this …¬†WRONGNESS TO INFINITY!!!

Seriously – anything that makes The Fuggie look like a good idea – should be universally outlawed on principle alone!

If there’s no petition, I’m fucking starting one ASAP!

March 3, 2010 at 11:16 am 59 comments

Sounds boaring to me

At first, I felt bad for ol’ meemaw when I saw this picture because I was all ‘It’s not that kind of balloon, sweetie’ but then I read the cutline and felt really bad for her because she lives in a town where inflating pig intestines is considered entertainment and, by the looks of her, she’s been suckin’ on sow bowels for a seriously looooooong time.
::: sadz :::

Seems Ukrainian peeps in the mapdot that is Gecha like pigs so much that those crackheads go hog wild and celebrate all things dined from swine … especially blood pudding, which can be a putrid bucket of pfftOOEY if Porky’s innards haven’t been pre-prepared properly.

Ayep — the annual Pigs Carvers Festival is an ancient tradition steeped in lore and rurality and whatever the hell else ancient Ukrainian traditions have going for them — but locals are hoping to turn that mess into a magnet for tourists.

Move over Spaniards with your silly Running of the Bulls!
Come to Gecha and Get’cha Oinker Entrails On!

Umm, yeah … good luck with that.

Oh, and meemaw? Slight suggestion, hon … there is a much better way to enjoy sausage … just sayin’. ūüėČ

PHOTO: AP/Getty Images

February 12, 2010 at 11:12 am 2 comments

Uhhh …

I, uhh, don’t even, uhh, know, uhh, how to, uhh, ‘digest?!’ this, uhh, ‘piece’ …


November 17, 2009 at 11:04 am 3 comments

R.I.P Billy Mays

What in Oxyclean hell is going on here, people?!?!?

TV screamer Billy Mays was found ‘unresponsive’ by his wife at their Tampa, Florida home yesterday morning and pronounced dead a short time later.
::: :(! :::

Billy’d been on a plane the day before that had a bad landing, which he recapped in his Twitter report:
“Just had a close call landing in Tampa. The tires blew out upon landing. Stuck in the plane on the runway. You can always count on US Air.”

In an interview after the landing, Billy said he’d taken a pretty hard hit to the head … hmmmmmm
::: uhh, Natasha Richardson??? :::

This is getting weird now, guys … do we start the count over now?

Whaaaat?!? You were thinking it!


June 29, 2009 at 10:50 am 1 comment

The devil’s in the details

Looking at this picture briefly made me wish I lived in Tennessee because I thought it would be hee-heeriffic to be a part of the obviously budget-conscious, cheapass crazy antics of the FOX 61 News at Ten team.

I mean, check out the¬†fierce¬†‘Bitch, please!’¬†expressions those harsh whores are workin’!
Sundays must be Slap-A-Ho night at the newsplex!

And those Jaclyn Smith Collection blazers and granny pearls?
Who do they think they’re fooling with that shit? Those skanks¬†are totally rockin’ the Cherokee shorts and sitting on plastic lawn chairs behind that ultra-hein Office Depot remnant cherry laminate ‘set’!

Blink and you might have missed the dude scratchin’ his crack in the back.
I bet it was John Charlton¬†— that guy looks like a butt-picker from birth!

And what about the South Park Towelie and Klan hood?
That’s gonna ma¬†…. Wait. The What?

South Park Towelie and Klan hood!?!

weirdstuffMmmm HMMMMM

I mean, ok ok¬†— I admit it – at first¬†I was¬†all ‘TOWLIE!!!’ because, well, I’m three and that shit is funny to me!

But then the ewwww took over and I was all¬†¬†“WHATTAHFUCK?!?” when I saw that creepy mess under the desk.

Seriously — I have questions!

Who thought this would be funny for ‘on-air’?
What kind of coked-up crackie logic led to this fuckery??
Was anyone fired??
Was there audience outrage???
Why have the networks not chronicled this yuck with some meritoriously righteous indignation?!?
Why hasn’t a blue-ribbon panel been commissioned to investigate this ick?
What in hate group hell is going on in Tennessee, people?!?

Enquiring mind wants to know!

April 14, 2009 at 3:53 pm 5 comments

Love Me (some legal) Tender

Because there really just aren’t enough quality opportunities to whore out the dead, Graceland¬†decisionizers¬†decided to open not one, Not Two, but THREE freshly-sequined Elvis exhibits for your viewing pleasure.
::: … something to do while you wait for the grand opening of Anna Nicole’s Pharmaceutical Phun House ..:::

Elvis in Hollywood, Elvis Lives: The King and Pop Culture and new exhibits in the Elvis Presley Automobile Museum all opened this week as part of the 70th Anniversary of the Shrine to Conspicuous Consumption.

‚ÄúElvis was and still is a star. He was so easy to work with and seeing this new exhibit with all of the movie memorabilia saved from his films is just amazing. From his scripts to his wardrobe, it‚Äôs all here,‚Ä̬†blah blah’d some aging hag whose career of bit parts included some brief spanky times with The Pelvis in Blue Hawaii.

Visit Elvis in Hollywood to find out what only the deepest layer of¬†the King’s innermost circle of confidants, advisors¬†(and any buffoon who knows how to Google) know: The¬†little-known account of how he was able to transition from singer to on-screen star *WOW* and how he took Hollywood, like, totally by storm to become its highest paid actor.
::: Graceland: Revealer of Secret but Obvious Mysteries and Puzzlements!! :::

Haul¬†your Bermuda shorts¬†over to Elvis Lives: The King and Pop Culture¬†and learn all about the insidious ways he works his Ouija on the masses … from the beyoonnndddd.

Tour the¬†Elvis Presley Automobile Museum¬†and cast your beady eye on his Rolls Royce sedans and his 6-door Mercedes Benz limo — just don’t stare directly AT them, lest you be blinded by the parade of pomposity.

Oh yes!
There really is no more appropriate use of your time – OR your dwindling disposable income – than to drool over a dead man’s former dominion.

Just be prepared to pay up, breadliners! You don’t get these sweet treats on the regular tour!
You’ll have to shell out for the $33 Platinum Tour¬†adult ticket¬†if you want in on this action! (Or the $29.70 Senior ticket)¬†(Or the $29.70 Youth ticket) (Or the $29.70 Student ticket) (Or the $15 Childern 7-12 ticket).
::: Gas up the Gremlin or¬†get a ticket to Graceland …¬†CURSE YOU NEW GREAT DEPRESSION!!!!¬†:::

So go ahead – tump over the couch, crack open little Logan’s piggy bank or pinch some pennies off granny’s monthly check – do whatever you have to do to get ¬†the hunka hunka cash you’ll need for the ongoing homage to the absurd¬†that will forever be Elvis –¬†the man, The Myth, THE LEGEND … the corpse who will make more money this year than you will in the next¬†six …



March 10, 2009 at 4:16 pm 4 comments

Pearl of wisdom?

Forget Barbie and Bratz — those whores are soooo last decade.

pearl1There’s only one little toy person out there who can properly encapsulate the drek, the despair, the droning drudgery that is this New Great Depression: Poor Pitiful Pearl

From her saggy black stockings to her sizzlin’ sack cloth dress, Pearl just screams ‘Victim Of A Failed Economy’ without ever having to say a word!

Bitch is sraight-up talented like that, ‘kay?

She doesn’t care about your failed programs!
She’s not sweatin’ the stock market!!
Hell, she’s not even looking for a cut of my boyfriend’s massively audacious¬†stimulus package of hope-infused sparkeliciousness!!!

Pearl doesn’t have time for that mess because she’s¬†too¬†busy cutting in line at the unemployment office [like me], dumpster diving for tomorrow’s breakfast [like me!], and rationing her anti-anxiety meds in the hope of making it just one more day¬† [like¬†m .. uhh,¬†YOU!!¬†].

pearlPearl simply cannot spare one precious second on all the gloomy economic wah wah going around these days because being flat-broke and fabulous is a full-time gig!! 

Look at that hot slut!! –>
She’s got the greatest¬†deconstruction, nonconformist¬†grip on this nouveau povert√® where less is, well, all you get, beggars!

Bitch doesn’t even need shoes!
She is my idol … my new role model … my raison d‚Äôetre of indentured servitude to debt!

From here on out, I consult the Oracle of Pearl on EVERYTHING because it’s just so clear that every answer to every question ever asked of anyone in the entire history of the known universe can be ascertained¬†just by surrendering to the hypnotic stare of her freaky static doll eyes!!!

Go ahead!
try it!

I’m doing it nowwwwwwww —¬†and it’s beeaaauuuutttiiiffuulllllllllll!!!!!!

February 24, 2009 at 5:20 pm 19 comments

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