Posts tagged ‘weight loss’

You gotta want it BAAAAD!


Listen up, ladies!

If you’ve been bringin’ the chunk and are just flat-out tired of fighting that flab then have I got good news for you!

You can say adios to Atkins and put away the Pilates equipment because diet and exercise are so last year!

All you need to get trim and toned is about $725, a boatload of Band-Aids and a preposterously-high threshold for pain.

WHEEE!!!

The Dermaroller, last year’s cult beauty hit, is every girl’s gateway to getting gorgeous.

The needle-studded roller previously used a bunch of piddly 0.5-1.5mm pins for facial firming-upping but inventor Michael Prager went all ‘pffeh! on that mess and pimped that bitch OUT with 3mm needles to tortuously target your saggiest sections!

MARVELOUSLY MEDIEVAL!

The roller works by piercing the tiny blood vessels in the top layer of skin.
[ow]
The resulting [ow] bleeding [ow] releases platelets, which help to repair and regenerate connective tissues, stimulating the production of collagen. It’s the same principle that applies to facial peels [ow] and laser skin treatments [ow].

However, rather than damaging the top layer of skin – the way both of peels and lasers do – the 20-minute Dermaroller treatment penetrates straight through into the dermis.

Oh yes! A bloody good show, indeed!

After a topical anaesthetic cream is applied to the area being treated, the device is rolled across the skin 16 times in a star-shaped formation, creating around 250 tiny punctures per centimeter square inch. You couldn’t treat an area bigger than a stomach, for example, in one session.

‘Even with the anaesthetic cream, the process was agony,’ victim patient Stephanie Jones explained. ‘For the last five minutes I was screaming. But I suppose it’s still less painful than a tummy tuck. I walked out of the clinic straight after, and although I was bruised the next day, I didn’t need painkillers.’

Two weeks after her treatment Stephanie’s stretch marks began fading and the folds of loose skin on her tummy were tightening.

So it’s savage … but it’s successful.

Win-win?

Well, for Stephanie it sure is! That hot slut is going back for seconds!

And me?
Well, I say (wo)Man-UP and get a total body makeover! Go full Iron-Maiden or go home, wimps!

SOURCE

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March 30, 2010 at 10:08 am 4 comments

Masticatory Misrepresentation?


Hey there fatty, wanna drop some tonnage?
Feel like trading in those itty bitties for some bigger, firmer breastesses?
Care to put the kibosh on those grody granny hot flashes?

OF COURSE YOU DO!
WHO WOULDN’T?!?

And do you want to achieve all of the above with absolutely no commitment or effort whatsoever??

OF COURSE YOU DO!
WHO WOULDN’T?!?

GOOD – because the shady charlatans at Zoft and their fabulous line of wonder gums can, for about $32 a pop, help you chew your way to full-on fabulosity!

Chomp your way to chestiness!

Smack your stress away!

Wear out your jaws for wondrous weight loss!

Munch away your menopausal misery with minty-freshness!

Heck – you can even grab a pack to perk up the peen!

But don’t take my word for it
::: I’m serious — do not take my word for it :::

Check out these completely fabricated and unverifiable testimonials …

 “I’ve been taking this product for over a month now and have lost 7 pounds. I couldn’t be more pleased! I also have much more level of energy..I guess it’s mainly because I’m lighter. I feel great!”
Well thumbs up to YOU, Sandra, 37, from Nevada – sloth and stupidity finally pay off!!!

“It effected nearly since day 1, After 3 weeks I’m using it – the results are great, highly recommend”.
Dan, 23, Los Angles
WOW – Thanks Dan from, err, Los Angles??? for that wonderfully ambiguous and moderately illiterate recommendation!

“Loved this product, will definitely order more, I feel much better. At the beginning I was skeptic, but it caused an improvement. Also shipping was super fast! Thanks a lot!”
Karyn, 25, Florida
Awesome Karyn!! I mean, I have no fucking clue what you’re talking about – but kudos on that phenominally super-fast delivery — you just don’t SEE that every day!!!

Anyone sampled the Double Bubble Butt yet?

August 20, 2008 at 1:06 pm 1 comment

Food for thought


We’re Number One!!
We’re Number One!!
We’re Num … wait. What?

Crap. Wrong kind of number one …
According to a weighty government survey, the South is (once again) the portliest part of the good ol’ US of A.

DANGIT SOUTHERN PEOPLE!!!!
Can we please be number one for something positive?!?
ACK!!!

Maybe I’m overreacting.
After all, the findings are pretty much the same as they were in each of the the three previous years this fat-finding mission was performed.
::: hooray for artery-clogging consistency?!? :::

Mississippi, the perpetual red-headed stepchild of America, has reigned as Queen Supreme Pudgie Pot every year since 2004. But the rest of the region got surprisingly supersized and now the competition is ON!

Alabama, Tennessee, West Virginia and Louisiana all embraced their inner backfat and have been bringin’ the chunk harder than ever!
Collectively, these four fatties have made so much peace with being obese that there’s almost nothing that sets them apart from Mississippi when it comes to the all important fat stat.
::: heavy thigh :::

Making up the ‘Top Ten Most Ginormous and Jiggliest States’ are:
1. Mississippi, now with 32.0% more lardass
2. Alabama, showing a sizeable 30.3 % bigger spare tire
::: You are my Heart of Dixie!! Just a little more bacon and you can be Number One, girlfriend!! :::
3. Tennessee, showing 30.1% heavier thunder thighs
4. Louisiana, packing 29.8% more junk in the trunk
5. West Virginia, with a whopping 29.5% bigger deep-fried backside
6. Arkansas, proudly packin’ on 28.7% more blubber butt
7. South Carolina, balancing picnic plates on 28.4% bigger buddha bellies
8. Georgia, cramming cookies into 28.2% chunkier cheeks
9. Oklahoma, outdoing itself with 28.1% more Oreo eating
10. Texas, bringing up a fabulously fattier rear with it’s 28.1% more flabtastic weigh-in

‘Experts’ think the traditional Southern diet — high in fat and fried food — may be partly to blame.

::: Oh yes! Finally – a CLUE!!! :::Another
 

 

Bacon Doughnut Egg Burger, Belva?

July 18, 2008 at 6:16 pm 5 comments

Man-orexia!?!


What in the bloody hell is going on with Colin Farrell?!? I
Either he’s snorting too much pixie dust or he landed a role in some new Holocaust movie where he had to drop, like, 90% of his body weight …
I gotta think the smart money’s on the dust  …

Colin Farrell looks like hell

Photo: The Sun

May 14, 2008 at 8:36 pm 4 comments

Mmmmmmarc Jacobs


After reading the GQ article about designer Marc Jacobs, I am now more in love with him than ever!
I am NOT what one would label a fashionista but this guy is the bombinatrix. Period.
Jason Preston is a lucky bitch …

Marc Jabocs\' physical transformation

May 14, 2008 at 2:23 pm

Just gotta ask …


Mike Tyson is fat Daily Mail photo

What the HELL has Mike Tyson been eating!?!

::: Anyone seen Holyfield lately … just askin’ :::

Source 

May 4, 2008 at 2:54 pm 6 comments


This is the shit you bitches are reading


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