Posts tagged ‘violence’

Psycho Killer, Qu’est-ce que c’est?


It’s not weird that Billy Pierce, Jr. threatened Billy Pierce, Sr.
::: Maybe that’s how they bond in their family. :::

It’s not weird that it happened in a bathroom.
::: Maybe that’s how they bond in their family. :::

It’s not weird that batty Billy went berserk because he just woke up in a ‘homicidal mood’.
::: Because, well … uhh, umm ok maybe that’s a little weird … :::

It’s not weird that Pierce threatened Pierce with a pair of bone-cutting scissors.
::: Wait. That actually seems pretty weird to me :::

But hey – with a face like THAT —->
you kind of have to just expect that shit like that’s gonna down on a random Tuesday morning.

Chromosome-deficient Billy told the boys in blue he had the scissors because he was going to use them to cut his hair — but while doing whatever he does in the bathroom … with his father — but then an argument ensued and things got all … WEIRD!

Dad says Junior was getting edgyAgitatedMAAAAAD over health issues but esaclated the situation to straightjacket status when he broke out a “pair of black bone cutting scissors”, bypassed dad’s brisket region and headed straight for his stomach.

Father-Son Bonding FAIL!

Stop reading now if you don’t want to update your Billy Pierce, Jr. GPS codes.

Everyone else can (for now) breathe a sight of relief, secure in the knowlege that (for now) nutjob is being held without bail (for now) at the Hernando County Jail.

SOURCE

March 16, 2010 at 10:16 am 2 comments

Lip Service


Move over Roger Stephens!
There’s a new champion in the crotchety old coot category – and he’s only 44!

chomperMichigan moron and all-around menace to society Daniel Allen –>
gave a big ol’ Fuck YOU! to the tried and true ‘GET OFF MY LAWN!’ old-man rant when some kids accidentally tossed a football in his yard recently.

That verbal shit just doesn’t cut it, see!
Instead, Allen got all snatchy-fingers, brought the hell naw when the ballers begged for it back and let his inner-rage marinate juuuust long enough to come to a full boil … which
[!FUN FACT ALERT!]
took exactly the same amount of time it took for a kid’s parent to get involved!

When the parent walked up and asked Allen for the ball, dickhead decided to dispence with all semblance of decorum and go straight for the OWWWW!

“The suspect went nose to nose with the victim and then bit him on the chompedmouth,” said Detective Capt. Richard Maierle. “The bite went nearly all the way through his mouth.”

He just took a chunk out of me and grabbed my neck, scratched me… quite a few marks,” said Winfred Fernandes. “He bit through my lip.”
::: someone needs a Tyson Target Practice refresher!! :::

Fernandes was taken to the hospital and Allen was taken in handcuffs.

Allen, who *SHOCK* was arrested on assault charges in 1997, entered a not guilty plea at his arraingment.

Recidivism-1
Rehabilitation-0

Allen is charged with aggravated assault with intent to maim which — if convicted — comes giftwrapped just in time for the holidays with a shiny new 10-year felony sentence.

Try fitting that under the tree!

SOURCE

October 22, 2009 at 10:15 am 2 comments

Pubic Servant


KarzaiHi!
My name is Hamid Karzai.

I like being President of Afghanistan, bowing to political pressure and giving support to hubsters in my ‘hood who wanna get their spousal starvation on!

REMEMBER TO VOTE FOR ME THIS WEEK!

Sad.
But true.

This is what happened:
Human Rights Watch discovered just last week that a revised version of the Shiite Personal Status Law had been *shhh* quietly put into effect at the end of July.

This is why it sucks dick (or, rather, why she has to):
The law gives Shiite men in Afghanistan the legal right to starve their wives if their sexual demands aren’t met. It also mandates that Shiite women must get their husband’s captor’s permission to even leave their houses, “except in extreme circumstances.”
::: and by ‘except in extreme circumstances’ they mean ‘except when he razor-rapes her and lights her hair on fire … THEN it’s ok to leave … maaaayyyybe’ :::

Oh but it doesn’t matter now.
See — unlike America where campaign promises go *POOF* as soon as the oath is orated — political allies in Afghanistan get to re-write whole laws ‘n shit if they have enough clout to keep your Ben Kingsley-looking ass in office.

asifmThis latest gem was the brainchild of that hot slut himself — Sheik Muhammad Asif Mohseni — the country’s most powerful Shiite cleric, who along with other ‘gina-haters were pretty pleased their ‘Bitch Better Blow Me Or It’s Starvation City!’ provision made it through, but reportedly had a serious Shiite-fit when their pedophilic plans to allow pervs to marry girls younger than 16 met with the legal hell naw.
::: Can’t win ’em all, gents! :::

H’i’mabit Kraizee signed the misogynistic measure because he’s an evil, soulless sellout dependent on support from Mohseni in this week’s presidential election.

Abdullah Abdullah, anyone? Anyone?

SOURCE

August 18, 2009 at 10:53 am 7 comments

Shocking outcome (no, not really)


Old and Busted: Subjecting your kids to boring meetings and office gossip during ‘Take Our Daughters and Sons to Work Day’.

New Hotness: Subjecting your kids to near electrocution during ‘Take Our Daughters and Sons to Work Day’.

At least that’s how [former] Florida Department of Corrections Sgt. Walter Schmidt saw it when he assembled a group of children visiting their parents at Franklin Correctional Institution, whipped out a handheld stun device, went full retard and gave the wee ones 50,000 volts of ZZZZZZZTTT!

Sergeant Shitferbrainz thought it’d be ok, since he’d asked the parents for permission and all.
“When they said ‘sure,’ I went ahead and did it.”
::: Well … ‘cuz … SURE! :::

ouchkidThe little innocents reportedly yelped in pain, fell to the ground and grabbed red burn marks on their arms.
One was taken to a nearby hospital.

“It wasn’t intended to be malicious, but educational,” Schmidt said. “The big shock came when I got fired.”
::: pun intended??? :::

Oh yes — they canned his ass – amazing but true!
::: well, amazing for Florida … :::

Schmidt was fired for violating established DOC procedure and paving the way for some way cool kidding litigation — but let’s not overlook the ‘colossal dumbass’ factor, either.

1.) Simple math: Snowflake Assembly + Shake N’ Bake = Pink Slippage
2.) Knowing he couldn’t handle simple math … if he was going to full retard, he should have at least given momma’s little preshuss ones the full penal experience.

dropsoapI mean, why not a cavity search or a night in the tank with Big Louie?
Why not hand them a bar of soap and send them off to the showers or let them spend a couple of ‘educational’ moments blindfolded and strapped into Old Sparky?

Hmm? HMMMMM????

Because surely any parent who’d sign off on having their kid’s neural and muscular systems temporarily DIS-FUCKING-ABLED!!!!! would energetically endorse the MEGA-Misery Prison Package!

SOURCE

May 19, 2009 at 1:46 pm 4 comments

House pet FAIL


What kind of dumbass keeps a primate as a house pet?

No no — serious question.
Because we’re not talking about some freaky Michael Jackson ‘mules you can put out to the back 40 and get your ‘isn’t he cuuuuuuute?’ on when you want to go all ‘exotic’.

We’re talking about our [wild] evolutionary brothers from a very [wild] different mother who, as adults, have at least five times the strength of humans … and who even the first-rate researchifyers over at the Jane Goodall Institute agree are meant to live in the wild, not in our homes.

And so again, I ask … 

What Kind of?
DUMBASS?
Keeps A Goddamned PRIMATE?
AS A HOUSE PET?!?!?

Some dumbass in Stamford, Connecticut – that’s who!
::: … although, technically, she doesn’t keep one anymore … :::

Meet Sandra Herold.
::: Hi Sandra! :::
Sandra is a 70-year-old woman who owns owned a 200-pound ‘celebrity pet’ chimpanzee named Travis.
::: Hi Travis! :::

Trav – a chimp who is said to have been toilet trained, could dress himself, ate at the table, could use a computer and reportedly starred in Old Navy and Coca-Cola commercials — used a key to let himself out of Herold’s house last night.
::: SMARTYPANTS!! :::

He was out there, gettin’ all rampagey — attacking police cars, police men and Herold’s 50-something soon-to-be former friend — when the po po had to make ol’ Trav a permanent kind of dead.
::: Chimpi .. uhh no, that’s just sad … :::

According to reports, “Travis was being bad.” He’d biggie-sized an outburst but calmed down long enough for Herold to get him back in the house and give him a nice hot cuppa Xanax-laced tea.
::: … mmm, yeah … but that one’s tricky ‘cuz ya hafta get the pill-to-water ratio just righ … uhh, well, umm … whaa … ACK – nothing! Nevermind!! ::: 

021609-chimp-fire-zoom1Bitch must’ve  messed up the mix because, moments later, just as Charla Nash was getting out of her car, Travis channeled his inner abuser and brought a beatdown so severe it put her in the hospital with serious facial injuries after losing a ‘tremendous amount of blood.’
::: J. Fred Muggs would NOT approve!!! :::

Things got all stabby when Herold tried to pry her mate off Nash but, c’mon … how well do you think a Q-Tip’s gonna do against a marauding beast?
Ya — juuuust well enough to know when it’s time to haul ass back to the house and call for backup!

Police arrived and Trav got to chargin’ … then he smashed a car window and opened the door to a cruiser where an officer was hiding like a girl taking cover …
… and that’s when things got all shooty.

Travis met the business end that officer’s gun several times before he ran back to the house … and died. 

Oh the tragedy!
Oh the sadness!!

If only there’d been some WARNING that celebrichimp might go apeshit!!!

Wait. What’s that you say?
Oh, that’s riiiight!

Most folks remember dude’s rather public run-in with the law a couple of years ago when he escaped from an SUV and went running through the streets.
More than a dozen officers were dispatched that time.
::: I’m guessing there was a LOT more Xanax at at least two tranq guns involved that time. Am I right? Am I right?? .:::

So what did we learn today, kiddies?

No matter how many Old Navy spots he snags … no matter how much coin he banks your butt — he’s still a PRIMATE, complete with all those wildly unpredictable, might rip your nose off, deadly PRIMATE tendencies.

Highly-trained, unique, special and just a few Darwin’s shy of human does not a safe house pet make.

… now if you’ll excuse me, my Chilean Rose Tarantulas and Argentinian Puma need to be fed … 

SOURCE
SOURCE/PHOTOS

February 17, 2009 at 4:56 pm 3 comments

Crazy Ute Forecasts Doom


The most prophetic prophet (——->)
ever to prophesy about unknown futurey type shit you didn’t even know you cared about has a message for all you snotnosed little heathens:
God is sick of putting up with your crap, so act right or get ready for an epic ass kicking!!

Wow — goosebumps, right?!?

Eh heh — the Parowan Prophet himself [who?], Leland Freeborn [no really – WHO?], also wants you to know that our international symbol of peacification and hopitude, that hot piece o’ manflesh I refer to by the codename “boyfriend” – will not, in fact, be the next president.
::: well okayeeee then … :::

In a rambling, semi-coherent letter to the editor of ‘The Spectrum’ in St. George, Utah, Prophet Fruicake McNutjob reminds The Spectrum’s tens of readers that waaayyy back in August he prognosticated that if O’Baby lost the election “to expect to see the “Riots” that 2 Peter 2:13 tells us about. He didn’t lose. But the story is not finished yet. I still think they may begin the riots before Christmas 2008 as I said.”
::: … ‘cuz nothing screams Christmas like a good riot! :::

Soooooo, ok ok — let me see if I have this straight … we were totally gonna have riots if O’Beautiful lost but then he foiled that plan by going and winning in that historic landslide-type deal which, if you know your Bible, means we are totally definitely gonna be having some serious better-late-than-never riot action now.
Yes?

postitMmmmmohkaythen.
Oh well, with football season winding down, at least it’ll give us something to do …

“Some of the news media will say that riots are justified,” McNutjob blathers on.
::: ACK! Is he still here?!?  :::

“Now you know how much God is offended and just plain fed-up with our stupid excuses for not keeping all of his commandments in your Bible. Many readers will remember the many letters form me warning people.
Prepare now. We are downwind from Las Vegas. I hope you can survive.”

And, while I’m sure that missive qualifies him for a good, old-fashioned Baker Acting I also have no idea what any of his old-coot crazy blah blah has to do with Barry or Christmas or ham n’ cheese sandwiches or tire pressure or why I’m still waiting for that last Outkast album.

I do know that it proves what I’ve long suspected … 
Utah officials spike their water with shiny crystals of freaky alien kooktasticness …

Good to know!

December 15, 2008 at 10:03 pm 1 comment

I have probs


The Sunday New York Times‘ lede story was about widespread protests after an American missile attack in Pakistan killed a pro-Al-Qaeda British militant — which is all serious and newsy and exactly what you expect from the venerable Gray Lady and so I settled into a deep chair, coffee at the ready, completely prepared for a squinty-eyed, pressed-lipped, totally contemplative read.

Then I saw the lede photo:
23rauf-600

And all I could think of after that was:

TOUCHDOWWWWNNNNNNN!!!!!!!

… ahh Sundays …

Photo: Muhammad Iqbal/Associated Press

November 24, 2008 at 11:35 am 1 comment

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