Posts tagged ‘vehicle’

Shia LeBeouf wouldn’t make it in Iran

So it was all party party party this weekend … ‘cept for Iran where a bunch of henchmen got together to hang about 30 people convicted of crimes including:

  • Murder (Ok yeah, that’s a bad thing)
  • Murder in commission of a crime (umm hmm yeah — ‘nuther bad one)
  • Being involved in illegal relationships — relationships between men and women who are not married to each other (sexy time in Iran = married time … got it!)
  • Being a public nuisance while drunk (wait. what?)
  • My first thought when reading that list was ‘Damn, I’m glad I don’t live in Iran!’.

    My next thought was ‘Damn, I kinda wish Madonna lived in Iran.’

    Then I thought ‘I bet Shia LaBeouf is glad he doesn’t live in Iran!’

    Hollywood’s favorite Shia-pet was arrested on suspicion of drunken driving Sunday about 3 a.m. when he rolled his truck after smacking it into another car. LeBooBoo bunged up his head, hand and knee.

    “It was immediately apparent to officers responding on the scene that LaBeouf was intoxicated and he was subsequently placed under arrest,” one officer said.

    This would seem like some sort of watered-down kiddie version of ‘strike 3’ – except there were other people involved … and injured.

    Just by way of recap:
    LeBonehead was ticketed early last year for ‘unlawful smoking’ (1) and then busted again in November (2) for being a colossal dumbass drunk in a Chicago Walgreens – which he blamed on being a slave to the bakky. And now this one (3).

    Hey Shithead — rehab is the new black.
    Think about it — before #4 leaves someone dead.

    ‘kay Boo Boo???

    July 28, 2008 at 1:03 pm 5 comments

    Toemercial appeal?

    camel toe commercial

    Only once in my life have I ever seen an instance of camel toe worse than this — and, at least, HIS was on purpose!

    What I want to know — what I MUST know is just who in the hell screened the local auto dealership commercial featuring the spokestoe above and said ‘Now that there is a go for air, gents!’.

    Was it a blind dude?
    Was it her ex-boyfriend’s new girlfriend?
    Was it that bitch from accounting who found out she lost out to ol’ blondie in the race to date the dealership’s F&I manager?

    Seriously! Who could have possibly watched the teevee spot featuring this facially attractive woman wearing the horrifically ill-fitting khaki pants and thought ‘Yessss, whale tail — THAT’S what new car buyers are looking for!’

    Someone who never made it down that far. That’s who.
    Which means it had to be a man.

    Blonde hair: CHECK
    Ample boobage: CHECK
    Almost too-tight shirt: CHECK

    And the toemercial is born.

    June 23, 2008 at 10:22 am 4 comments

    Bumper stickers are the new crazy

    Cars with bumper stickers

    People who drive vehicles sporting bumper stickers are sick, crazy, dangerous bastards bent on your destruction.

    I know it sounds harsh, but it’s based on serious researchification and scientifical findings – so we must accept it as truth.

    Depreciating your ride by sticking sticky things on your vehicle’s ass instantly turns you into a territorial asshole who is a major road-rage incident in the making.

    Sorry Road-Ragers!!

    Colorado State University social psychologist William Szlemko sez:
    Drivers of cars with bumper stickers, window decals, personalized license plates and other “territorial markers” not only get mad when someone cuts in their lane or is slow to respond to a changed traffic light, but they are far more likely than those who do not personalize their cars to use their vehicles to express rage – by honking, tailgating and other aggressive behavior.

    In other words — sticker slickers are jerks who think they own the roads, which makes them bad people, which makes the rest of us better than them, which means we can rightfully feel superior now.

    Thanks Scientifical Researchification!!

    “The more markers a car has, the more aggressively the person tends to drive when provoked,” Szlemko said. “Just the presence of territory markers predicts the tendency to be an aggressive driver.”

    That means YOU – Mr. If the van is a-rockin’, don’t come a-knockin’. We know your game!

    And little Miss ‘My Kid is a Crystal Cove Elementary Super Star’ Prius driver?
    You’re not fooling anyone. We know you’d run a school bus full of kiddies off the road if the driver didn’t merge fast enough for you.



    June 17, 2008 at 12:43 pm

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