Posts tagged ‘vehicle’

News you can use


Dear Cookie Monsters:

I care about you.
You are important to me.

And because I know the weekend is at hand and very shortly you will no longer be able to resist the urge to mentally just check-the-fuck-out for the next 48 – I want you to take a moment, draw in a cleansing breath and prepare your brain to absorb some truly crucial knowledge.

No matter how much of a rush you may be in …
No matter what your friend RayRay says …
No matter if you make it all the way to the legendary Triple-Double Dog Dare …

Do NOT, under any circumstances, try to load the boat ON the pickup.

Trust me. This shit does NOT work and it will absolutely fuck up your weekend.

Being a good drunk means being a prepared one.
‘Kay pumpkins?

Now go play.

XOXO
Cookie

truckboat2

March 20, 2009 at 3:55 pm 7 comments

Jesus Saves … car dealership?


Jesus Sightings: They’re not just for crazy old ladies staring at the floor for weeks on end!
::: YAY JESUS FOR EVERYONE!!! :::

PT_301357_ROTH_jesus_3Case in point: In the center of a door in a Dade City, Florida used car sales manager’s office is a wood stain about 3 feet tall that some folks are swearing up, down and sideways looks juuuust like the Lamb of God himself!
::: Get a good deal on a used Saturn and see your Savior at the same time?!? Now that’s what I call one-stop shopping!! :::

“Anybody who’s seen pictures of the burial cloth and image of Christ that’s on that cloth — that same image is on that door,” said Chip Davis, who runs a paintless dent removal service that services the Jarrett Ford Lincoln Mercury dealership.

Really?
The exact same identically corresponding one???

‘Cuz I just don’t see the Great Splotch of Supreme Spirituality when I look at that stain.

I do, however, see a remarkably striking resemblance to Cousin It.

See it?
Sure you do!
Take away the top hat and it’s an Addams Family moment all the way!

But my homegirl — and fellow hellbound non-believing heathen — Ruth Johnson thinks “it looks a little bit like Sasquatch.”
::: mmmm hmm – I feel that ::: 

And customer James Bauman Jr.?
He first described it as “Christ in a Jedi outfit,” then as a “Persian king.”
James thinks the stain is really, truly, deeply meaningful.
“I believe the Rapture is just around the corner,” he said.
::: James may want to lay off the Natty Light before giving his next interview ::: 

Cliff Martin, the dealership’s general manager, doesn’t attach spiritual significance to the office door. But at least he was honest enough to admit he doesn’t mind if the Discoloration of Demented Devotion brought more bodies through the door.
::: Those cars aren’t going to sell themselves, now are they?!? ::: 

“I like to say we’re blessed but we’re not breaking any sales records, so maybe we’re just blessed to be in business.”

Jesus Saves …

SOURCE
DOOR PHOTO: Lance Aram Rothstein – St. Petersburg Times

February 7, 2009 at 4:11 pm 24 comments

Triple Threat


coldbs
The unholy triumvirate pictured above have hearts so witch’s-titty-in-a-brass-bra cold that the Prince of Darkness had better start praying for their rehabilitation or his shit really will freeze over!

Word is these sluts formulated a revenge plot so ruthless that it left a former friend with frostbite so severe she could lose parts of one or both feet.
::: VICIOUS!! :::

22-year-old Maria Contreras-Luciano (left), 21-year-old Dyanne Velasquez (center) and 20-year-old Amber Crespo (right) face kidnapping, assault and conspiracy charges related to the alleged arctic abandonment of a 19-year-old woman who was pushed from a car …  into a snowbank  … at night … on the side of a New Jersey road … in a heavily-wooded area … wearing only a party dress and one shoe … in eight-degree weather.
::: This ain’t Survivor, bitches!! :::

The polar payback came after the victim had a car accident and sued Ho #3’s  insurance company, which prompted the skinsack to get her lunatic scream on, shouting “If you’re going to sue me then I’m going to kill you!” … whiiiich garnered her a bonus third degree charge of making terroristic threats!
::: How do you spell ringleader? C-R-E-S-P-O!!! :::

The trio “planned and plotted … to dress up and go to an imaginary party,” North Bergen Lt. Frank Cannella said.  In the ruckus of having her caboose forcibly removed from the car, one of the victim’s shoes fell off.

 “She ran back to the car and pleaded to be let back inside, but the women sped away, leaving her stranded with no cell phone, the lieutenant said.”

A passing motorist stopped and let the gelid girl use a cell phone but “refused to give her a ride because she didn’t want to get involved”.
::: Oh please Oh Please OH PLEASE tell me she got a tag number?!?! :::

Eventually, a motorist with a working brain and functioning heart stopped and took the teen to Englewood Hospital.

Can I have ‘They Sure Sound Guilty To Me‘ for $800, Alex?

PHOTOS COURTESY OF NORTH BERGEN POLICE

January 29, 2009 at 4:49 pm 3 comments

Breaking up is hard to do


It was just a matter of time.

We invite them into our homes, put them on a pedestal and dress them in ribbons and bows and bells and lights.
::: OH MY! :::

We lavish them with praise for being so big! … So beautiful! … So much better than the one the neighbors picked!!!
::: suck it Chuck! :::

We surround them with obscene amounts of gifts and have extravagant celebrations where we introduce them to all of our family and friends.

Then *BAM* — just like a trick ho who can’t pay Big Nate when his share is due — we strip them bare, cast them out into the harsh winter air and leave them to rot in full view of the entire neighborhood.
::: don’t fuck with Nate, ‘kay? :::

So it was, indeed,  just a matter of time before at least one member of the Christmas Tree Commonwealth got her branches in a bunch and brought the ‘Hell Naw!’ when her owner tried to kick her to the cold, cold curb.
::: … she don’t have to take that shit, yo! :::

On December 30, police were called to an area of North Hampton, New Hampshire after receiving a report eviltreethat a “Christmas tree flew out and attacked” an unsuspecting motorist.
::: Get ’em, girlfriend!! ::: 

According to police reports, the driver of a 1998 Ford Escort [DAMN! A Ford?!? DOUBLE DAMN – a ’98?!?!?] said he was driving along, minding his business when a Christmas tree left on a curb for recycling [mmm hmmmm] went airborne in a wind gust and “blew into the grill of his car.”
::: BALSAM FIR BLITZKRIEG!!!!! ::: 

Damage to the Ford is unknown, but I pine for the pulp, which was a total loss.
::: she died for your sins, you know … :::

January 6, 2009 at 11:16 am 9 comments

Dumbass of the Day


Once upon a time, a dumbass Chevy dealer [is there any other kind?] staged a dumbass Monster Truckgasm [again … ] so he could show the dumbass faithful how to ‘CRUSH THE COMPETITION!!!’

And by ‘crush the competition’ we mean, of course, that he would implement an incentive plan for more responsible SUV ownership leveraging new hybrid and E85 technological functionalities alongside an aggressive buy-back program as part of a broader 5-year phaseout strategy.

HAHAHAHAHA!!!
Just kidding!

He was gonna fuck some shit UP, y’all!

James Severtson of Hilo, Hawaii’s Island Chevrolet had the bright idea of rolling a retardedly mountainous American-made machine over some silly ass Asian rice-burner, ‘cuz, you know – ‘that’ll show ’em’ … or something …
::: my my, how original :::

“We’d like to send the message that the best way to support your country is to buy an American vehicle today,” Severtson said.

So Brainiac arranged for a Chevrolet Suburban SUV …
::: Umm, would that be the Chevy Suburban made in Janesville, Wisconsin or the one made in Silao … MEXICO??? :::

… outfitted with massive tires costing $5,000 apiece
::: Well sure! Because in these hard economic times, what better way to illustrate the woes of the American automotive industry than to dump $20k on tires  … :::

… to annihilate the  Marysville, Ohio -YOUESSOFAYYYY-made Honda Accord
::: USA! USA! :::

‘Cept the dumbass plan didn’t exactly go according to … well, the dumbass plan!
::: INCONCEIVABLE! :::

On the first attempt, the Suburban blew a hydraulic hose and sprung a big ol’ leak … while the Honda remained intact and ready for more.
::: ruh roh :::

After several embarassing hours, the truck was repaired and the driver tried again — but this time he added a Hyundai Excel to the mix.
::: Whew! Becuase, unlike the Hyundai Santa Fe and Sonata, which are made in Alabama, the post-95 Excel (AKA the Accent) IS foreign made … so, like YAY, woohoo and coolification — they got one right! :::

In the end, the Suburban drove over the cars’ hoods and destroyed their windshields … while onlookers the dumbass faithful squealed with [what else?] dumbass delight.

… and the American auto industry was saved … or … not …

December 22, 2008 at 4:47 pm 3 comments

Shia LeBeouf wouldn’t make it in Iran


So it was all party party party this weekend … ‘cept for Iran where a bunch of henchmen got together to hang about 30 people convicted of crimes including:

  • Murder (Ok yeah, that’s a bad thing)
  • Murder in commission of a crime (umm hmm yeah — ‘nuther bad one)
  • Being involved in illegal relationships — relationships between men and women who are not married to each other (sexy time in Iran = married time … got it!)
  • Being a public nuisance while drunk (wait. what?)
  • My first thought when reading that list was ‘Damn, I’m glad I don’t live in Iran!’.

    My next thought was ‘Damn, I kinda wish Madonna lived in Iran.’

    Then I thought ‘I bet Shia LaBeouf is glad he doesn’t live in Iran!’

    Hollywood’s favorite Shia-pet was arrested on suspicion of drunken driving Sunday about 3 a.m. when he rolled his truck after smacking it into another car. LeBooBoo bunged up his head, hand and knee.

    “It was immediately apparent to officers responding on the scene that LaBeouf was intoxicated and he was subsequently placed under arrest,” one officer said.

    This would seem like some sort of watered-down kiddie version of ‘strike 3’ – except there were other people involved … and injured.

    Just by way of recap:
    LeBonehead was ticketed early last year for ‘unlawful smoking’ (1) and then busted again in November (2) for being a colossal dumbass drunk in a Chicago Walgreens – which he blamed on being a slave to the bakky. And now this one (3).

    Hey Shithead — rehab is the new black.
    Think about it — before #4 leaves someone dead.

    ‘kay Boo Boo???

    July 28, 2008 at 1:03 pm 5 comments

    Toemercial appeal?


    camel toe commercial

    Only once in my life have I ever seen an instance of camel toe worse than this — and, at least, HIS was on purpose!

    What I want to know — what I MUST know is just who in the hell screened the local auto dealership commercial featuring the spokestoe above and said ‘Now that there is a go for air, gents!’.

    Was it a blind dude?
    Was it her ex-boyfriend’s new girlfriend?
    Was it that bitch from accounting who found out she lost out to ol’ blondie in the race to date the dealership’s F&I manager?

    Seriously! Who could have possibly watched the teevee spot featuring this facially attractive woman wearing the horrifically ill-fitting khaki pants and thought ‘Yessss, whale tail — THAT’S what new car buyers are looking for!’

    Someone who never made it down that far. That’s who.
    Which means it had to be a man.

    Blonde hair: CHECK
    Ample boobage: CHECK
    Almost too-tight shirt: CHECK

    And the toemercial is born.

    June 23, 2008 at 10:22 am 4 comments

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