Posts tagged ‘vacation’

London Calling


It is ON!
I am DOIN’ it!!
You better be ready, Great Britain!!!

Lock up the London Cookiebooze and tie up the hounds, ’cause this¬†little trick is LONDON-bound!!

Gonna take in the Thames, check out Ye Old Cheshire Cheese, make my way through the Tate Modern, eat a bite at the crypt cafe in the Church of St. Martin In The Fields, see St. James Park, the Blue Bridge, the Churchill War Rooms, the Wallace Collection, Westminster Abbey, Big Ben, Fleet Street, Dickens House, Buckingham Palace, Trafalgar Square, Tower Bridge, Piccadilly Circus, Foyles, London Bank, Green Friday Market … man, I am gonna do it ALL!

Now, y’all have to promise to behave while I’m gone — m’kay pumpkins??
I might even bring you some spotted dick if you’re really good! ūüėČ

Later, bitches!

November 27, 2012 at 4:28 pm 1 comment

Start spreadin’ the booze!


My much-anticipated super-duper triple-decker √ľber-ballyhooed way-seriously-overly-compound-modifiered trip to the city so nice they named it twice is mere hours away!!!

I cannot wait to not land belly-down in the Hudson and commence with the convivialities!

24-hour Wine Samplings, Organizing Protests, Liquoration, Terror Plots, Drunky Funs and Swine Flu!!!
New York City has it all — and I am gittin’ me some!

Because you brats wreaked total havoc the last time I took a few, I invite you to partake in a little hide-and-seek style scavenger hunt while I get my good time on.
::: oh stop yer whining –¬†it gives your sorry ass¬†something to do while you wait in line at the unemployment office :::

I have employed the most excellent strategerized methodology to scientifically but at random place 10 American flag icons in various, sundry and multitudinous localities throughout this shitass blog.

The first of you bitches to post a comment with the international coordinates of all 10 icons gets a 100%  jen-ew-wine Big Apple Tee.

And the wordwhore who finds the bonus 11th American flag gets an even specialer something.
::: A thousand times super-fabulouser than my freshly packed protective H1N1 face mask!! :::

Reader dropout in 3 … 2 …

May 22, 2009 at 8:26 pm 4 comments

Geography FAIL


Deception!
Trickery!!
LIES!!!

WE’VE BEEN CHEATED!!!!

Remember that family vakay we were all forced to take during the delicate, formative years of our middle school ‘experience’?
The one where the ‘rents piled our whiny snotnosed selves¬†into the Pace Arrow and headed ‘West to see America’??
The one where you pretzeled yourself in an effort to make sure you had at least one digit representin’ in every spot at Four Corners???

Yeah?
Well, funny thing about that …

“According to readings by the National Geodetic Survey, the Four Corners marker showing the intersection of Arizona, Colorado, New Mexico and Utah is about 2.5 miles west of where it should be.”

SAY WHAT?!?

Ayep – a good old-fashioned fuckup back in 1868 has led to countless Kodak moments where little Timmy and Sue took turns getting¬†a hand in Arizona … and, as it turns out,¬†a foot in Arizona … and another foot in Ariz — well, you get the idea.

That photo album? Pitch it.
That commemorative mug? Ditch it.
That computer screensaver you like so much? Switch it.

Your ‘precious memories’ will get you about as much as the¬†fake Louis the chick at RaceTrac keeps behind the counter.

What – OH WHAT – are we to make of this betrayal, America?!?

Are we just supposed to now assume we are georgewvisiting the real birthplace of George Washington when we go to the Virginia spot the government claims is the exact spot his mamma birthed that bitch?
I don’t think so!

And what about Washintgon’s Mount St. Helens?? How do we know it’s not the¬†bigger, more unstable ‘supposedly dormant’ volcano 2.5 MILES AWAY that nobody talks about because the guy monumentizing shit that day was too lazy to check it out??
We don’t!

And Devil’s Tower in Wyoming? Allegedly our ‘first national monument’??
Oh right! Like I’m really gonna¬†believe Teddy Roosevelt named¬†christened¬†that crap¬†back in 1906!
I wasn’t there!
Were you?!? Nooooo.
The first time I saw that shit was in Close Encounters. For all I know it’s just a really big set prop!

What are we to believe?
Where does this heinous treachery against the American people end?!?

My God — what IS this madness?!?

Next thing you know we’ll find out Santa’s not real!

SOURCE

April 21, 2009 at 3:34 pm 6 comments

(Un)dress Code FAIL


The nudists in Queensland, Australia are A-OK with you having fun sunning your buns, they won’t laugh when your manhood lets everyone now the pool is too cold and goodness knows they love a little beach jigglyball now and then.

But make no mistake, my friends.
They are not a clothing-optional crowd and they have no problem kicking a bitch OUT for balking at being in the buff.
::: rules are rules ::: 

Which one particularly uncooperative couple found out this week during part of the¬†nudist-friendly¬†White Cockatoo¬†resort’s month-long swingers’ romp.
::: OOooo – I know where I’m going on VAKAY!!!! :::

article-1159659-03c143c1000005dc-353_468x321Attired attendees John Harrison and his wife, Lyn ————–>
were basically told to get theeee fuck out after Sir Blimpy and his babe refused to introduce ¬†ol’ Frank and Beans and the Twins to the other guests.
::: … sounds like someone just likes to WATCH … :::

Chubsalot told the press he was having a conversation with resort owner Tony Fox (nudey dudey waving above) and three women (also nakey) when Fox “turned to me out of the blue and said, ‘Why are you dressed?'”
:::¬†Well, you¬†WERE at a nudist camp …¬†:::

He says Cock-or-two management then called him a dickhead.
::: You would have preferred dick-weed, perhaps? :::

“The fact that he was dressed was only part of the picture,”¬†Fox said, adding he felt big John was being “disrespectful” and acting in a ¬†“lecherous manner” toward other guests.
:::¬†Ruh roh – sounds like Johnny got his touch on …¬†:::

This situation ended about as smoothly as Sir Loin’s backside when police were called in to escort the problematic porcine pair from the resort.

“I only asked him to show a bit of respect,” Fox said.

hehe – not exactly

 

 SOURCE

March 6, 2009 at 6:26 pm 2 comments

It’s time


Sooooooo I look at the calendar and it’s totally November 21, which means it’s my busy-bee worky (and football) time and I have only a few scant days to prepare for next week’s sainted and treasured annual homage to gluttony (and football) and well, I just really do not have¬†this big¬†mountain of available time for anything else!

Sooooooo even though I know there are, like, 9 days left and all – whatever – I am officially declaring the end of the 2008 Hurricane Season, like, NOW!

I mean, ok, so it wasn’t the season of colossal devastation everyone predicted and I’m all YAY and stuff about that, but let’s be honest — it did¬†have its moments!
Ike.
Gustav.
That time I was sitting on the back porch when a Hurricane Hanna feeder band passed by Florida on the way to South Cackalackee and a big ol’ wind gust nearly toppled my wine glass.
::: that was a close one!! ::: 

But enough is enough. It’s time to move on.

I mean, seriously, who has the time?!?

Holidays.
Work.
Family Functions!
Social get-togethers!?!
Shopping!?!?!
TRAVEL!?!?!?!

ACK! Too much!!

Sooooooo¬†… I am sorry –but I have wayyyyyy too much on my plate to fit in worrying¬†about some not-gonna-happen-late-season-storminess.
Nuh uh.
Nope.
It’s¬†done.

I decree it. It is so.

You may now return to your regularly scheduled day …

November 21, 2008 at 2:20 pm

Sarah Palin is Vice-President of loungechairs!


large-msg-122671383782large-msg-122669372725Disappointed she couldn’t see Cuba from her Miami hotel balcony, the Alaskan Hotness took time out from her hectic schedule of birthin’ babies, buying couture, being all mavericky and showing up basically everyone else who attended last week’s Republican Governor’s Association meeting to get her tan on … oh,¬†and plot the Palin World Domination 2012 tour.

Don’t¬†be fooled by the lack of hair product! Her Supreme Snowyness¬†is¬†totally¬†clocked-in, solutionizing all the complicatedly complex¬†problematic¬†stuff¬†facing the fine folks of the great energy producing state of Alaska.
::: big red dog, Big Red Dog — keep an eye on that BIG RED DOG!!! :::

I bet¬†there’s all kinds of hush-hush,¬†top-secrety type stuff in what appears to be a $1,500 Balenciaga ‘Weekender’ handbag oh so casually thrown to the end of the chaise.

spchampMmm hmmmm … yuppers. Totally¬† worki .. uh … wha … is that … champagne??

… ACK! …¬†feel dizzy … mouth dry … light heade … uhh what’s happeni …

Oooooooooo¬†I think I need a gravity check. I am suddenly feeling¬†all … tingly for this woman!

I mean, except for the whole¬†no-coherent-thought-wannabe-world-leader-darn-tootin’-hockey-mom-pay-no-attention-to-the-man-behind-the-curtain-I-may-look-purty-but-am-really-really-REALLY-stupid¬†thingamabobanstuff – we are soooo much alike!

She understands the benefits of ditching work to lay out.
::: sooooo important! :::
She sees value in ridiculously overpriced accessories billed to Mr. Notmybankaccount.
::: CRUCIAL! :::
And she has a firm grasp on what is the absolute quickest way to my pinko commie liberal bleeding heart … BOOZE!!!
::: we are one :::

*sniff — I totally¬† her right now!

SOURCE

November 18, 2008 at 5:02 pm 1 comment

Family Values


Oh man, why didn’t¬†we know about this before the school year started – it would have solved EVERYTHING!

Children of the Cornhusker State must be some kind of hellish¬†other-worldly breed of trouble because¬†officials¬†there got together and passed a law that totally bypasses the ‘rents and¬†helps the rest of us¬†break free of the burden¬†of brattiness.
::: Thank you Nebraska geniuses!! :::

The law, which took effect on July 18, says: “No person shall be prosecuted for any crime based solely upon the act of leaving a child in the custody of an employee on duty at a hospital licensed by the state of Nebraska.”

So¬†babbling babies and crying¬†crumbsnatchers (up to the utterly amazing age of 19)¬†can LEGALLY¬†be abandoned without their parents’ consent or knowledge!
::: it’s not ‘abandoning’ if they’re little assholes though, right? :::

Suck it, brats – MUAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!

No more makeshift cul de sac skateboard park!
::: this ain’t the X games, kiddo! :::
No more acned¬†pubescents coppin’ sidewalk¬†squats!!
::: get some Proactiv, Paulita! :::
No more high school dropouts selling fake magazine subscriptions!!!
::: I’m not supporting your dope habit ANYMORE¬†if you won’t share, you little shit! :::

Twisted sisters unite!
WE¬†don’t hafta take it!
::: YAY Nebraska! :::

This is such good news because, as Labor Day weekend approaches and the neighbors’ kids get out of control school¬†– WE¬†now have options!

When the squealing and screaming become too much to bear, break out the slipknot, strap their whiny heinies to the luggage rack and head to the (mid)West!

Twenty.
Shades.
of AWESOME!

August 26, 2008 at 3:00 pm 1 comment


This is the shit you bitches are reading


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