Posts tagged ‘utah’

Geography FAIL


Deception!
Trickery!!
LIES!!!

WE’VE BEEN CHEATED!!!!

Remember that family vakay we were all forced to take during the delicate, formative years of our middle school ‘experience’?
The one where the ‘rents piled our whiny snotnosed selves into the Pace Arrow and headed ‘West to see America’??
The one where you pretzeled yourself in an effort to make sure you had at least one digit representin’ in every spot at Four Corners???

Yeah?
Well, funny thing about that …

“According to readings by the National Geodetic Survey, the Four Corners marker showing the intersection of Arizona, Colorado, New Mexico and Utah is about 2.5 miles west of where it should be.”

SAY WHAT?!?

Ayep – a good old-fashioned fuckup back in 1868 has led to countless Kodak moments where little Timmy and Sue took turns getting a hand in Arizona … and, as it turns out, a foot in Arizona … and another foot in Ariz — well, you get the idea.

That photo album? Pitch it.
That commemorative mug? Ditch it.
That computer screensaver you like so much? Switch it.

Your ‘precious memories’ will get you about as much as the fake Louis the chick at RaceTrac keeps behind the counter.

What – OH WHAT – are we to make of this betrayal, America?!?

Are we just supposed to now assume we are georgewvisiting the real birthplace of George Washington when we go to the Virginia spot the government claims is the exact spot his mamma birthed that bitch?
I don’t think so!

And what about Washintgon’s Mount St. Helens?? How do we know it’s not the bigger, more unstable ‘supposedly dormant’ volcano 2.5 MILES AWAY that nobody talks about because the guy monumentizing shit that day was too lazy to check it out??
We don’t!

And Devil’s Tower in Wyoming? Allegedly our ‘first national monument’??
Oh right! Like I’m really gonna believe Teddy Roosevelt named christened that crap back in 1906!
I wasn’t there!
Were you?!? Nooooo.
The first time I saw that shit was in Close Encounters. For all I know it’s just a really big set prop!

What are we to believe?
Where does this heinous treachery against the American people end?!?

My God — what IS this madness?!?

Next thing you know we’ll find out Santa’s not real!

SOURCE

April 21, 2009 at 3:34 pm 6 comments

Online: Where destiny & fate = density & fat


Listen up parents!

Just in case you’ve been in a Lithium haze and missed the memo:
Danger lurks on the Interwebs!!!!!

That computer you use to pay bills, read lifeisacookie news and buy your happy time toys?
The one your kids use to buy Webkinz, read lifeisacookie homework assignments and send pictures to grandma?
It’s also a portal of prodigiously perilous possibilites!!
::: OH MY! :::

It’s true!
ewwdavisonJust ask the 13-year-old snowflake from Centerville, Utah who was stopped mere moments before boarding a Greyhound bus bound for California to meet the man of her dreams nightmares. —>

Princess and 40-year-old sexpot Robert Lavern Davison —>
met on the Internet (DANGER!) last year while playing the game “World Of Warcraft’ and began spending secret steamy times together chatting online, before moving to e-mail and ultimately graduating to full-on verbal intercourse!
::: … it’s ok – take a moment to vomit if you need to … :::

Mom was none the wiser until the day little preshuss didn’t show up for school because she was buying a bus ticket.

The cops were called and, with the help of the hot sluts from Utah’s Internet Crimes Against Children Task Force, they cracked kiddo’s computer and cell phone and exposed the all the tricky icky ewww inside. 

Using their sleuthing superpowers, officers decided a 13-year-old who ewwmap1obviously can’t drive and probably didn’t have enough funds for air fare would likely have to either hoof it or bank a bus ticket to meet her mystery date … and since Cali’s hell and gone from Utah, the smart money was always on the bus terminal — where they did, indeed, find the unwitting future rape, torture and mutilation candidate patiently waiting for her ride.
::: Someone’s getting grounded! :::

Unaware that he was now cybersexing with Johnny Law, Scary Hairy continued his charming chats, which became even more sexual, graphic and violent in nature until the FBI’d had enough,  layed down the smack and arrested him at his Kelseyville, California house.
::: Game over, fatty! :::

grossspotYou know, I take great comfort in the knowledge that Dreamboat remains locked up as I write this — yeah yeah, because a child was saved and all — but mostly because I’m relieved to know that only Tony Two Fingers and Big Freddie will get a taste of whatever special sauce created THIS nasty mess! –>

Frealz! What in open sore psoriasis hell IS that thing?!? 

SOURCE

March 26, 2009 at 3:02 pm 11 comments

Crazy Ute Forecasts Doom


The most prophetic prophet (——->)
ever to prophesy about unknown futurey type shit you didn’t even know you cared about has a message for all you snotnosed little heathens:
God is sick of putting up with your crap, so act right or get ready for an epic ass kicking!!

Wow — goosebumps, right?!?

Eh heh — the Parowan Prophet himself [who?], Leland Freeborn [no really – WHO?], also wants you to know that our international symbol of peacification and hopitude, that hot piece o’ manflesh I refer to by the codename “boyfriend” – will not, in fact, be the next president.
::: well okayeeee then … :::

In a rambling, semi-coherent letter to the editor of ‘The Spectrum’ in St. George, Utah, Prophet Fruicake McNutjob reminds The Spectrum’s tens of readers that waaayyy back in August he prognosticated that if O’Baby lost the election “to expect to see the “Riots” that 2 Peter 2:13 tells us about. He didn’t lose. But the story is not finished yet. I still think they may begin the riots before Christmas 2008 as I said.”
::: … ‘cuz nothing screams Christmas like a good riot! :::

Soooooo, ok ok — let me see if I have this straight … we were totally gonna have riots if O’Beautiful lost but then he foiled that plan by going and winning in that historic landslide-type deal which, if you know your Bible, means we are totally definitely gonna be having some serious better-late-than-never riot action now.
Yes?

postitMmmmmohkaythen.
Oh well, with football season winding down, at least it’ll give us something to do …

“Some of the news media will say that riots are justified,” McNutjob blathers on.
::: ACK! Is he still here?!?  :::

“Now you know how much God is offended and just plain fed-up with our stupid excuses for not keeping all of his commandments in your Bible. Many readers will remember the many letters form me warning people.
Prepare now. We are downwind from Las Vegas. I hope you can survive.”

And, while I’m sure that missive qualifies him for a good, old-fashioned Baker Acting I also have no idea what any of his old-coot crazy blah blah has to do with Barry or Christmas or ham n’ cheese sandwiches or tire pressure or why I’m still waiting for that last Outkast album.

I do know that it proves what I’ve long suspected … 
Utah officials spike their water with shiny crystals of freaky alien kooktasticness …

Good to know!

December 15, 2008 at 10:03 pm 1 comment

Engaging!


Old and Busted: Mariah Carey-, Ashlee Simpson-, Star Jones-style shallow relationships/media-managed nuptials, complete with pre-nup drama, divorce over/unders and preggo rumors (well, except for YOU, Star 😉

New Hotness: Celebrity couples involved in, like, for real, serious, long-term relationships who don’t whore out their lurve to every gossip rag or teevee show in town!

They’re rare, but they do exist!

NEATO!

robert redford and fianceeOne such couple? Robert Redford and his German artist girlfriend Sibylle Szaggars, who have been together more than a decade and got engaged this week.

Something tells me these two crazy kids just might have a shot!!

Redford and Szaggars, who is 19 years younger, have been together since 1996.

The 71-year-old actor – who has been wed once before – told German magazine Bunte: “We are engaged and very happy with that. Sibylle is my fiancee and that says everything, doesn’t it?”

Awwww … old people are cute

May 24, 2008 at 11:18 am


This is the shit you bitches are reading


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