Posts tagged ‘United States’

Standards for Poors?


I have a way cool diversion for any of the four of you not idling away this New Great Depression by spending your days panhandling for pennies or standing in bread lines: POLI-TOPO PAUPER FUN!!

The clever tallymasters over at the Sargent Shriver National Center on Poverty Law have added up the way every member of Congress voted on every bill that had anything to do in even the mostest remotest of ways with fighting that little nuisance we call daily life poverty.
::: NEATO! :::

Unfortunately, a quick check of the Sunshine State reveals some not-so-sunny news for our state’s hobo and vagabond collective: More than half of the richies repping them in Congress have consistently voted against pretty much any and all measures that might have meant any kind of meaningful movement on the povery front.
::: Take note, freeloaders!! :::

Tramps and beggars in my home state of Alabama faired slightly better – they at least had actual Republican-type personages who occasionally threw a Yes vote behind legislation for the poors.
::: Mike Rogers — you ol’ switch-hitter you!! :::

And what about your state??

As you watch your bank account sink further into the red – would you like to know just how little you can expect from your own lawmakers ?

Well this is your lucky day then, you needy bastards!
Just click here to rate your state!

Now go get a job, ya bums!

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February 20, 2009 at 5:19 pm 9 comments

The Iceman Cometh?


If it weren’t for the fact that I wasn’t even the teensiest bit hung over this morning [WTF?!?], I would have sworn on the holiest of holies — the Victoria’s Secret catalogue — that my eyeballs were still pissed about that whole Tom Jones leatherface nightmare and decided on a little payback prank of their own.

I mean, how else was I supposed to explain this headline:
Val Kilmer ponders run for NM governor in 2010

But, it’s true!

The job will be up for grabs next year when two-term hot slut Bill Richardson leaves office – and the Iceman wants to get his gubernatoriality on!!!
::: … no word yet on how Wolfman and Slider feel about this … :::

“If I run, I’m going to be the next governor.”

Well OK then, Mr. Lowselfesteem!
We think you can do it too, snookums!

Anyone who can coordinate the most awesomely not-meant-to-be-gay-but-soooooo-fucking-GAY beach volleyball game in the entire known history of the Top Gun fighter tactics instructor program has got my vote!
Or … uh … would have my vote if I lived in New Mexico and, you know, could, like, vote for you … and stuff.

SOURCE

February 6, 2009 at 4:00 pm 8 comments

Crazy Ute Forecasts Doom


The most prophetic prophet (——->)
ever to prophesy about unknown futurey type shit you didn’t even know you cared about has a message for all you snotnosed little heathens:
God is sick of putting up with your crap, so act right or get ready for an epic ass kicking!!

Wow — goosebumps, right?!?

Eh heh — the Parowan Prophet himself [who?], Leland Freeborn [no really – WHO?], also wants you to know that our international symbol of peacification and hopitude, that hot piece o’ manflesh I refer to by the codename “boyfriend” – will not, in fact, be the next president.
::: well okayeeee then … :::

In a rambling, semi-coherent letter to the editor of ‘The Spectrum’ in St. George, Utah, Prophet Fruicake McNutjob reminds The Spectrum’s tens of readers that waaayyy back in August he prognosticated that if O’Baby lost the election “to expect to see the “Riots” that 2 Peter 2:13 tells us about. He didn’t lose. But the story is not finished yet. I still think they may begin the riots before Christmas 2008 as I said.”
::: … ‘cuz nothing screams Christmas like a good riot! :::

Soooooo, ok ok — let me see if I have this straight … we were totally gonna have riots if O’Beautiful lost but then he foiled that plan by going and winning in that historic landslide-type deal which, if you know your Bible, means we are totally definitely gonna be having some serious better-late-than-never riot action now.
Yes?

postitMmmmmohkaythen.
Oh well, with football season winding down, at least it’ll give us something to do …

“Some of the news media will say that riots are justified,” McNutjob blathers on.
::: ACK! Is he still here?!?  :::

“Now you know how much God is offended and just plain fed-up with our stupid excuses for not keeping all of his commandments in your Bible. Many readers will remember the many letters form me warning people.
Prepare now. We are downwind from Las Vegas. I hope you can survive.”

And, while I’m sure that missive qualifies him for a good, old-fashioned Baker Acting I also have no idea what any of his old-coot crazy blah blah has to do with Barry or Christmas or ham n’ cheese sandwiches or tire pressure or why I’m still waiting for that last Outkast album.

I do know that it proves what I’ve long suspected … 
Utah officials spike their water with shiny crystals of freaky alien kooktasticness …

Good to know!

December 15, 2008 at 10:03 pm 1 comment

There’s a special place in hell …



OK – let me get this straight …

  • The Tribune Company’s in deep doo doo
  • The New York Times, on the verge of going tits up, takes out a second mortgage on their digs to the tune of about $225 million
  • McClatchy’s looking to cut their journalistic crown jewel
  • Businesses and newspapers left and right are riffing their ranks
  • Distressed displaced window company workers are about to enter Day 5 of peacefully protesting Bank of America‘s greedy bullheaded assbackwardness
  • Widespread panic over the New Great Depression tanks US Treasury yields to goose egg range
  • Some cities can’t even afford to recycle anymore
  • Entire school districts are going under
  • The bailout-a-palooza has cost us more than all US wars and government programs combined
  • The US economy has shed 1.9 million jobs this year (that’s 1.9 million people out of work, for you Republicans keeping score)
    and
  • Our audaciously hopified president of change cautions us to be less hopified about our current (and future and future and future) situation …
  • ::: just to nutshell it for ya … :::

    … yet THIS greedy douchebag — who presided over his company’s $11.7  BILLION loss this year — is probably gonna get his manicured hands on the $10 million bonus he’s demanding.

    That about right?

    … cuz it doesn’t seem right …

    December 8, 2008 at 9:12 pm 10 comments

    One of these is not like the others



    ::: SPIFF! :::

    SOURCE

    November 6, 2008 at 12:07 am

    Better late than never, I suppose …


    Only took 63 years or so but officials finally, officially, realized and recognized just what, exactly, the Tuskegee Airmen did for the United States. Well, in the pathetically late-to-the-party way Alabama lawmakers typically do … but I digress …

    Good things DO come to those who wait … and wait … and wait.

    Thousands of people from across the country attended the opening ceremony Friday afternoon at Moton Field in Tuskegee, Alabama.

    The Tuskegee Airmen had their beginning here at Moton Field and dared to make a difference,” the Rev. William C. Lennard said. “They did it for God, for themselves and for every citizen of the United States of America. Their persistence, dedication and fortitude enabled them to overcome all manner of challenges.”

    The airmen fought Adolf Hitler overseas and Jim Crow on American soil, being degraded as second-class citizens and watching as German prisoners of war were treated better than them.

    Don’t look for snark here today, folks. This is a good, WAY longass overdue not-as-good-as-they-deserved-tribute to a class of people who completely outclassed everyone else in their day!

    If you don’t know about the Tuskegee Airmen — shame on you.

    October 11, 2008 at 11:29 pm 1 comment

    Food for thought


    We’re Number One!!
    We’re Number One!!
    We’re Num … wait. What?

    Crap. Wrong kind of number one …
    According to a weighty government survey, the South is (once again) the portliest part of the good ol’ US of A.

    DANGIT SOUTHERN PEOPLE!!!!
    Can we please be number one for something positive?!?
    ACK!!!

    Maybe I’m overreacting.
    After all, the findings are pretty much the same as they were in each of the the three previous years this fat-finding mission was performed.
    ::: hooray for artery-clogging consistency?!? :::

    Mississippi, the perpetual red-headed stepchild of America, has reigned as Queen Supreme Pudgie Pot every year since 2004. But the rest of the region got surprisingly supersized and now the competition is ON!

    Alabama, Tennessee, West Virginia and Louisiana all embraced their inner backfat and have been bringin’ the chunk harder than ever!
    Collectively, these four fatties have made so much peace with being obese that there’s almost nothing that sets them apart from Mississippi when it comes to the all important fat stat.
    ::: heavy thigh :::

    Making up the ‘Top Ten Most Ginormous and Jiggliest States’ are:
    1. Mississippi, now with 32.0% more lardass
    2. Alabama, showing a sizeable 30.3 % bigger spare tire
    ::: You are my Heart of Dixie!! Just a little more bacon and you can be Number One, girlfriend!! :::
    3. Tennessee, showing 30.1% heavier thunder thighs
    4. Louisiana, packing 29.8% more junk in the trunk
    5. West Virginia, with a whopping 29.5% bigger deep-fried backside
    6. Arkansas, proudly packin’ on 28.7% more blubber butt
    7. South Carolina, balancing picnic plates on 28.4% bigger buddha bellies
    8. Georgia, cramming cookies into 28.2% chunkier cheeks
    9. Oklahoma, outdoing itself with 28.1% more Oreo eating
    10. Texas, bringing up a fabulously fattier rear with it’s 28.1% more flabtastic weigh-in

    ‘Experts’ think the traditional Southern diet — high in fat and fried food — may be partly to blame.

    ::: Oh yes! Finally – a CLUE!!! :::Another
     

     

    Bacon Doughnut Egg Burger, Belva?

    July 18, 2008 at 6:16 pm 5 comments

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