Posts tagged ‘unemployment’

Erin Go WAAAHHHHH!!!!!


I have a mission!
I’ve heard the call!!
I finally know my purpose, y’all!!!

I MUST SAVE IRELAND!!!!

Against the backdrop of deep recession and rampant unemployment, alcohol consumption all over the Emerald Isle has crashed harder than Amy Winehouse after a 4-month Blaaaaaaaaaaake binge!

FFFFWOP!!!

Ireland’s per capital alcohol consumption fell by 9.6 percent in 2009 and is now 21 percent below an all-time peak in 2001 when Ireland’s economy was booming.

TWENTY ONE PERCENT DOWNTURNAGE!!!!

“It was the worst year for our industry in living memory,” Kieran Tobin, chairman of the Drinks Industry Group of Ireland (DIGI), told a news conference in a central Dublin pub.

WORSTEST MOST AWFULEST YEAR IN LIVING MEMORY!!!!

And, if it wasn’t bad enough already – the decline in dedicated drinking was made even worse by the combination of a strong euro and comparatively low excise duty on spirits in Northern Ireland, because that shit flat out drove folks over the edge border to buy their drinks elsewhere, which cost the Irish government an estimated 100 million euros ($135.1 million) a year in lost revenue.

And all that statistical stuff translates to pubs closing at the rate of around one a day (YIKES) and 15,000 jobs lost across the region over the last 18 months.

PUBS CLOSING = DEFCON FIVE! DEFCON FIIIIIIIIVE!!!!!

This is serious shit and I won’t have it!

Hang on girl! Help is coming!!
Cookie and her hollow leg are on the way!!!!!

SOURCE

Photo: Reuters

Advertisements

March 24, 2010 at 10:18 am

Kill Bill (he did)


On Friday, Sen. Jim Bunning, (R-eckless) of Kentucky was the lone nay vote on a measure that would have extended cash and health insurance benefits for the unemployed … the lone nay vote that basically killed the measure.

So, thanks to Bunning, starting today, the jobless can no longer apply for federal unemployment benefits or the COBRA health insurance subsidy.

Way to go you absolute piece of SHIT!

Sen. Jeff Merkley, (D-etermined) of Oregon, quite literally begged Bunghole to change his stance.

Bunning’s response?
“Tough shit.”

Sen. Barbara Boxer, (D-edicated) of California, sent Barfbag a letter asking him to “stand down immediately”, explaining what the rest of us with brains, morals, ethics, a conscience and that little thing I like to call a HEART already know … “Unemployment insurance is a lifeline to the long-term unemployed whose families have been hit very hard by this recession”.

Bunning’s response?
“If we can’t find $10 billion somewhere for a bill that everybody in this body supports, we will never pay for anything,” he said, apparently completely fucking forgetting the $704 BILLION spent so far on the Iraq war – without everybody’s support.

As the fight debate drew to a close, Bunning complained he had been ambushed by the Democrats and was forced to miss the Kentucky-South Carolina basketball game.

Boo fucking hoo.
Tell it to the people getting downsized this week, fucker.

‘Lected yerselves a good ‘un, there, Kentucky!

Bunning’s baseness will affect a couple hundred THOUSAND of the nearly 5.4 million unemployed Americans currently receiving benefits. And, if Congress doesn’t act soon, that number will grow to 400,000 during the first two weeks of March and nearly 3 MILLION by May, according to the Labor Department.

You may want to ask yourself a couple of questions, kids:
How secure is YOUR job?
How secure is YOUR insurance?
::: Yes my precious snowflakes — the two ARE connected! :::

Unemployed Americans can receive up to 99 weeks of unemployment benefits – nearly two years – which is a record. The last time unemployment was this high, in the early ’80s, the maximum was 55 weeks. That said, in terms of overall economic activity, this downturn looks like it will be the most severe since the Depression.

Which further underscores why Bunning’s actions are a complete and total outrage.

But hey, it’s also an outrage that everyone else in the known universe isn’t raising holy fucking HELL over the actions of a senile old cocksucker who is allowed to singlefuckinghandedly cut off unemployment benefits in the middle of a Fucking RECESSION, all the while bitching about $10 billion … after his dick was one of the ones pissing away a trillionbilliongozillion fucking dollars on the war in Iraq … a war waged even though NO ONE ever had visual confirmation of weapons of mass destruction!!!

ACK!!!

Along with extending unemployment payments to laid-off workers and providing them with subsidies to help pay health premiums through the COBRA program, the bill also would have helped prevent looming (21 percent) cuts in Medicare reimbursements to doctors.

Would have.

C’mon Congress — time for action. You’ve come through before and you can do it again … maybe this time with dickweed’s vote?
Call him … explain things … demand it!
I did 😉
202-224-4343

March 1, 2010 at 11:14 am 8 comments

Daily DUH!


World Bank President Robert Zoellick has the crucial info!
LISTEN UP!!!!!

Talking to reporters about the überly-astronomical 10.2% U.S. unemployment rate, Mr. Braintrust blah blah’d:

“You’re going to have problems with delinquencies of credit card loans, consumer loans, people won’t be able to pay their mortgages. Some banks are going to continue to be troubled by bad loans.”

YA THINK?!?!?

Crickety cripes!
If all ya gotta do to head up the international agency tasked with floating finance to the fiscally famished is orate the ohmygodthatissofucking obvious to anyone within earshot — well you can color me qualified and sign my ass 20 kinds of UP for that shit!

Frealz!
That bitch banks more than $400,000 a year for spouting the self-explanatory?!

I want IN on that action!!!

I would love to get paid copious piles of cash to travel the world pointing out the patently perceptible, stating the ever-so simple and offering absolutely nothing in the way of intrinsic information!

I mean, it’s certainly gotta beat giving it away free like I currently do!

Now where’s that job app?!?

SOURCE

November 12, 2009 at 9:32 am 1 comment

Minding YOUR Business


I want to know in what order officials of Bozeman, Montana hit the crackpipe each day.

Does the mayor get first dibbs or does that honor to go a sitting commissioner?
Because, I mean, if they’re not hittin’ the pipe, passing the doob or actively inebriated, like, ALL FUCKING DAY — then I don’t know how you justify the blatant paranoia that is their city job application policy.

See, in normal-type environs, Joe Jobseker knows that, after he fills out the requisite forms, he’s gonna have to trot his hot self down to Quest Diagnostics or the free clinic of some place to have his hemos and pees screened.

That’s just how it’s done – in most places.
But business gets handled a little differently in Bozeman.

To get a city job there, you better come prepared for a whole new pee test — the kind where you piss away your right to privacy!

Part jobapplicantof the selection process is a waiver statement applicants must sign, giving the city permission to conduct an investigation into the person’s “background, references, character, past employment, education, credit history, criminal or police records.”

Which sounds like the usual blah blah — if you don’t keep reading.

“Please list any and all, current personal or business websites, web pages or memberships on any Internet-based chat rooms, social clubs or forums, to include, but not limited to: Facebook, Google, Yahoo, YouTube.com, MySpace, etc.”

Wait. What?

Uh huh! Big Brother is from Bozeman!!

Those bitches even provide additional space for candidates to jot down their user names and passwords!
::: PWNED! :::

That is some serious ‘they’rewatchingme Iknowthey’retalkingaboutmecan’t someonestopethevoicesINMYHEAD’ fucked up shit!!

And how in the hell did I miss the protests!?! The boycotts!?!?! The public cries of outrage over such a heavy-handed and completely intrusive bully-move!?!?!?!

What’s that?
There weren’t any?

Nuh uh.

City Attorney Greg Sullivan says no one has ever removed his or her name from consideration for a job over the city gettin’ all up in they biz.

Which means Bozeman must be home to the most desperate bunch of rejects and whogivesashit-ologists in the known universe!
And, under normal circumstances, that infonugget would give me a serious case of the sadz, but then I remember that we’re talking about some dumpy destination in the middle of mont-freakin’-TANA and I’m all HAHAHAHAHA – MONTANA!!!!! because it occurs to me that I don’t give a shiny shit and am free to go on about my day and I’m happy because freedom is good … or something.

Ahhhh

SOURCE

June 18, 2009 at 7:23 pm 5 comments

CNN tackles the tough stuff


What with all of the economic uncertainty, security concerns and general depravity everywhere, I take great comfort in the knowlege that I can count on CNN to bring me the really big news.

Like today’s ‘Twelve Amusing Excuses For Being Late For Work‘ … awesome market downturn, massive layoff reading there.
Because it’s just common knowledge that the absolute first thing on the mind of someone suffering job-loss jitters is where to find new and creative ways to endanger their employability.
::: CNN’s got yer back, dawg! :::

“While some employers tend to be more lenient with worker punctuality, 30% say they have terminated an employee for being late,” CareerBuilder.com‘s VP of HR said.

You guys got that?
Career Pro Tip: Being late for work can get you fired.

WOW!!

I mean, you just don’t get that kind of top-secret insider info any old place!
::: CNN and CareerBuilder totally  us! :::

According to a February survey of more than 8,000 workers all the goldbrickers still employed in America, 20% said they arrive late to work at least once a week and 12% said they are late at least twice a week.

And just what’s keeping Tammy Timeclock from promptly punching in?

Why, Amusing Excuse #2, of course!
“My husband thinks it’s funny to hide my car keys before he goes to work.”
::: So even if yours puts the Dick in Dickens, don’t use that one ladies– it’s TAKEN! :::

Now me? I like #4: “I got locked in my trunk by my son.”
Because any brat who can put a ‘rent in the box has earned his Bitchin’ Bastard badge in my view!

Oh, but I know, I know — the point is not to BE late … if you can help it … provided the Dunkin’ Donuts latte line isn’t too long …. and that morning-after hangover helper is working …

“To be on the safe side, try your best to be on time for work every day,” the job gurus advise. “Your boss, co-workers and reputation will thank you for it.”

GOTCHA!!

THANK YOU CNN AND CAREERBUILDER!!!!!

I feel more productive alrea … ooo someone brought cake!

April 7, 2009 at 5:59 pm 3 comments

You got it baaaaaad!


If you live or work in Imperial County, California that is!

unemploymentmap

Those sad sacks have what appears to be the highest unemployment rate in the country.
::: … they’re # 1 … in sadz …:::

The fine folks at The New York Times know you are hard UP for some cheap thrills so they’ve assembled a way cool (but kinda depressing) interactive unemployment map of this New Great Depression for your edutainment.

Want to find out how much worse off other folks are?!?
This map’s for you!!

Want to know where you can’t move for a new job but could probably buy a mansion for two sticks and a handfull of pennies?
This map’s for you!!

Got a hankering to know more about lovely Steele County, North Dakota?!?
Who?
Trust me on this one, you will … which makes this map … for YOU!!!

SOURCE

March 4, 2009 at 9:31 pm 2 comments

Holiday Humbug


Some dumb bitch in Panama City has gotten her EEOC-complaint on because she says she was fired from her job for refusing to answer the phone by saying ‘Happy Holidays’ as opposed to ‘Merry Christmas’.

The Rundown:
Tonia Thomas says the phrase ‘Happy Holidays’ contributes to the secularization of Christmas. The Orlando-based Liberty Counsel, which advocates for people discriminated against because of religion, is representing her.
– Her former employer, Counts Oakes Resort Properties, called bullshit on her defense and says she was fired for other reasons.
– The EEOC hasn’t said squat … yet

Cookie’s Comeback:
I’d like to suggest that Ms. Thomas remove her head from her ass long enough to remember that her job was to book vacation rentals in Florida … and the last time I checked, folks from all over the world were free to get their Sunshine State vakay on.

That means people who don’t live within a 10-mile radius of the property rental office who may be of different cultural or religious heritage but still want to catch a gnarly wave or bake their buns in the South Florida Sun will occasionally be calling with inquiries of how best to hand over their discretionary income in exchange for a beachfront condo …

‘Kay, girlfriend?
This world is a smallishly big place where many people observe or celebrate something other than (or in addition to) Christmas this time of year.
::: Free your mind and the rest will follow … :::

With head firmly out of ass, Ms. Thomas should find it much easier to see this great big beautiful world (and her country, state and city) in terms greater than her own self-indulgent, egocentric personhood.

In this last month every year in the world of more than Tonia Thomas’ me-me-me-ness, people gather together in celebration of several important secular and religous events that don’t go by the name Christmas but are every bit as important to the folks who observe them.

Bottom line:
I can’t speak for everyone (although I’d like to!) but I can say that – taking into account that I do not live in my own little universe – I have zero issue with extending a generic but nonetheless heartfelt wish for universal happiness and well-being to those who’s company I am fortunate enough to keep in the month of December.

So let’s go ahead and give Tonia Thomas a tiara because she has earned the dubious distinction of being my ‘Dumbass Bitch of the Season’ as well as the year-round title of official ‘Redneck Riviera Retard’ for her ability to throw caution and common sense to the winds while adopting an absolutely mindnumbingly myopic and ill-advised moral stance over what is, in essense, one of the most extremely non-pressing non-important non-issue issues of our time.

Take a bow, Tonia. Take a bow.

—————————————————————————–

And, just in case anyone was wondering about those December dates …

Kwanzaa
A seven-day celebration of African family, culture and community, Kwanzaa is not a religious celebration but rather a cultural one which begins December 26 and runs through January 1.

Boxing Day
A public holiday also observed on December 26 by folks in the United Kingdom, Canada, New Zealand Australia and countries in the Commonwealth of Nations.
Historically, the tradition of Boxing Day calls for the giving of presents to the poor.
::: Those after-Christmas deep discounts really come in handy! :::

Hanukkah
This year, the Jewish holiday began at sundown on Sunday, December 22. Although it’s not a ‘High Hoy Day’, the Hanukkah is still one of the most widely recognized religious celebrations in the world.
Because the holiday is fixed on the Hebrew calendar as the 25th day of Kislev (for those playing along at home) it varies on the Gregorian calendar used by the rest of the world.
As a result, Hanukkah can fall anywhere from late November to late December which means that it often crosses paths (and sometimes downright overlaps) Christmas on the ol’ calendar.

Saint Nicholas Day
On December 6, folks in Northern Europe use Saint Nicholas Day to educate children that jolly old St. Nick wasn’t always just some gluttonous elf who rides around giving PlayStations and Wiis and iPods to privileged little boys and girls one night each year.
Instead they recognize Saint Nicholas’s great kindness and generous aid to those in distress.
Traditional celebrations of this day include gifts left in children’s shoes (the origin of our American Christmas stockings). Good children receive treats – candies, cookies, apples and nuts, while naughty children receive switches or lumps of coal.

Eid’ul-Adha
Observed on December 8, this Muslim holiday commemorates the willingness of Ibrahim to sacrifice his son Ishmael as an act of obedience to God.

Fiesta of Our Lady of Guadalupe
Observed every December 12, Fiesta of Our Lady of Guadalupe
is one of the most important dates on the Mexican calendar. It’s a time of great sacrifice and jubilation when thousands of the faithful from around the country make a pilgrimage to the Basílica of Guadalupe, in Mexico City, where the miraculous image of la Virgen Morena is kept.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS BITCHES!!!!!!

December 23, 2008 at 9:44 pm 4 comments

Older Posts


This is the shit you bitches are reading


Creative Commons License
Lifeisacookie is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 3.0 United States License.


%d bloggers like this: