Posts tagged ‘travel’

London Calling


It is ON!
I am DOIN’ it!!
You better be ready, Great Britain!!!

Lock up the London Cookiebooze and tie up the hounds, ’cause this¬†little trick is LONDON-bound!!

Gonna take in the Thames, check out Ye Old Cheshire Cheese, make my way through the Tate Modern, eat a bite at the crypt cafe in the Church of St. Martin In The Fields, see St. James Park, the Blue Bridge, the Churchill War Rooms, the Wallace Collection, Westminster Abbey, Big Ben, Fleet Street, Dickens House, Buckingham Palace, Trafalgar Square, Tower Bridge, Piccadilly Circus, Foyles, London Bank, Green Friday Market … man, I am gonna do it ALL!

Now, y’all have to promise to behave while I’m gone — m’kay pumpkins??
I might even bring you some spotted dick if you’re really good! ūüėČ

Later, bitches!

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November 27, 2012 at 4:28 pm 1 comment

‘Till Tuesday …


I’m chukin’ the deuce ‘cuz I’m on the move for a few …
try not to break anything while I’m gone, ‘kay?

January 15, 2010 at 11:13 am

Dear Delta Airlines …


hatedelta
It’s true … but let’s be clear …

I don’t hate Delta Airlines because they have compromised scheduling.
I don’t hate Delta Airlines because they have crappy in-flight movies.
I don’t hate Delta Airlines because their planes smell funkerrific.
I don’t hate Delta Airlines because they can’t control the weather.

I hate Delta Airlines because when ‘things happen’ – as¬†is the natural course of ‘things’ – Delta¬†Airlines and it’s shitass staff are incapable of handling it in a courteous and professional manner … or, well, sheeeeeyut – at ALL!

When my flight Sunday was delayed due to bad weather at my connect — the good old ATL — I took it as an unforeseen opportunity to write a bit on the book.
I’m a multi-tasker like that!

When we took off more than an hour late, I didn’t sweat it because all of the other planes headed to or leaving from Atlanta were late too!
We’re all in the same boa … err … plane!

When we finally landed in Atlanta, taxied to our gate and sat there like caged mice for an extra half hour because, according to our inept flight crew leader Debbie Dinbleberry, ‘hehe, umm, teehee, the jetway seems to be broken … we are soooooooo sorry!!!’ — I interpreted that to mean the crew understood that our initial delay was being further exascerbated by this mechanical problem and were on the radio hard at work getting information about connecting flights for their hostages passengers.
HAHAHAHAHA!!!

They weren’t.

‘I am sooooooo sorry!!!’ Dinglebutt laments over the public address system. ‘We have alerted ALL of the people who need to be notified about this and they are ALL going to get on this as soon as they can so that we can get everyone safely to their next destination!! Thanks for choosing Delta!!’

They are notifying ‘people’ about the jetway malfunction so we know that there ARE working radios on board, yet no one thinks to get information about connecting flights?!
Beads of sweat form on the upper lip of the woman behind me headed to Rotterdam.

32 minutes later …
‘That was a WONDERFUL dress rehearsal for the real thing everyone!’ Dinglefuck instructs the huddled masses.¬†‘Now, if we could all take our seats, the captain has been given a gate change assignment so we can all go home!’

By the time we rolled to the new gate and everyone had deplaned, everyone’s connection
— let me repeat —
EVERYONE’S CONNECTION had been missed.

Oh, but it wasn’t just¬†our flight. It happened all over the airport.
And you know what?
I have NO problem with flights getting missed or cancelled or whatnot.

Weather happens!

What I DO have a problem with is an airline so apparently completely unprepared to deal with ‘things’.

Adding insult (i.e. dumbfuck in-flight crew leader) to injury (i.e. terminals customer_serviceoverflowing with pissy passengers) were the Delta Airlines ‘customer service’ gals —¬†whose only talent as far as I could tell were making elder persons cry, ignoring the infirm and shouting ‘EXCUUUUSE ME, SIR!’ to anyone who had the audacity to *gasp* inquire about getting on another flight or Delta’s hotel voucher policy.
::: takes ALL the fun out of people watching! :::

Just so you know — if you are unlucky (or braindead) enough to have booked a Delta Airlines flight and you get bumped, miss your connect or, well, just have a question you need an answer to — that is NOT what Delta Customer Service does, mmmkay??

But — if you want to be maligned, ignored or just made to feel like you are the biggest boil on the butt of humanity — Delta Customer Service definitely has something to say to YOU!

And FUDELTA1to Delta Airlines I say a heartfelt and well-deserved Fuck You.

I didn’t fly you for a long time but gave you another shot … and was rudely reminded why, exactly, it was I stopped choosing Delta.

I DO have many choices when it comes to air travel and it won’t be with you – ever again.

Oh and not for nothing — but¬†the children of the very old, wheelchair-bound woman should sue your sorry asses for paying a truly unholy¬†hellbeast to scream at her for 10 solid minutes because she committed the grievous infraction of not understanding how she would get home after missing her flight (and kudos to the¬†group who stepped in on her behalf).
Seriously kids — if you do, email me for the depo!

September 21, 2009 at 8:20 pm 5 comments

Spirit’s Smock Schock


Some not-yet-laid-off flight¬†attendants forgot that whole ‘thankful to have a job in this New Great Depression’ thing and got all Captain Pissy Pants over a new uniform design that *SHOCK* includes an apron showing logos for certain alcoholic beverages.

Deborah Crowley, the HBIC¬†of Spirit’s flight attendants union chapter, said¬†“turning flight attendants into walking billboards is unacceptable.”
::: Well yeah – sure, ‘cuz losing your job like those 7,000 United schmucks or those 1,700 USAir hacks or the ‘undiscosed’ number gettin’ the JetBlue boot of doom is, like,WAAAYYYY more acceptable — GOTCHA!! :::

Apparently mystified by that whole ‘revenue stream’ concept, the Association of Flight Attendants chapter at Spirit Airlines said:
1.) The uniforms send the wrong signal to passengers
::: Which would be what? “Thank you for flying Spirit! Why yes we DO have a beverage service!” OMG — WHAT AN OUTRAGE!!! :::

2.) Make it harder for flight attendants to enforce safety regulations.
::: because … like, what? The apron isn’t really an apron but rather an undercover agent of some super secret terrorist cell?!? OMG — WHAT AN OUTRAGE!!!¬†:::

My advice?

REPRIORITIZE, BITCH!

Strap on the apron, sling the sauce, collect your cash¬†and direct your¬†righteous indignation where it really belongs — at Spirit’s long history of stupid sexist fratboy advertising!

I mean, who can forget¬†last year’s ‘We’re having a threesome’ special – OR this year’s sequel to¬†the superclassy campaign from 2007:

::: … ok, actually I’m just pissed¬†no one asked me to be¬†the spokeswhore on that one … :::

January 28, 2009 at 4:47 pm 7 comments

Umm … if you don’t hear from me for a while …


Are you kidding me?

Are you fucking kidding me?!?

Sign my ass nine thousand kinds of UP!

The government of¬†Queensland,¬†Australia is offering what it calls “the best job in the world” — earning a top salary for lazing around a beautiful¬†tropical island¬†for six months.
::: I could do that! ::: 

captphoto_1231816541838-1-0The job pays 105,000 US dollars and includes free airfares from the winner’s home country to¬†Hamilton Island¬†on the¬†Great Barrier Reef.
::: I could take that! :::  

In return, the “island caretaker” will be expected to stroll the white sands, snorkel the reef, take care of “a few minor tasks” — and report to a global audience via weekly blogs, photo diaries and video updates. The person¬†will stay rent-free in a three-bedroom beach home complete with¬†plunge pool¬†and golf buggy, must be a good swimmer, excellent communicator and be able to speak and write English.
::: I am sooo qualified!! ::: 

Queensland Tourism Minister Desley Boyle said some people might question whether it was risky to let an unknown person become an unofficial tourism spokesperson for the state.

“I think the biggest risk will be that the successful candidate won’t want to go home at the end of the six months,” she said.¬†“This is a legitimate job which is open to anyone and everyone.”

BBRB … gotta update the rez!

SOURCE
Photo: AFP

January 13, 2009 at 11:24 am 13 comments

Christmas Eve Inquiry


As Ol’ Man Winter puts the screws to holiday travel plans for thousands, Norad’s putting the final touches on this year’s hi-res Santa Cam to let the kiddies know – down to the nanosecond – just exactly when his jolly fatness will be droppin’ their loot.
::: YAY – SANTA LOJACK!!! :::

Google announced Tuesday afternoon that children — and even all the big kids out there — will be able to track St. Nick’s journey around the world using¬†Google Maps¬†and¬†Google Earth.
::: Fat man’s comin! Fat man’s comin! :::

But for those not fortunate enough to travel on a craft fueled by positive thoughts, sugar and reindeer,¬†Christmas Eve isn’t quite as fun … or easy.
::: You mean Detroit doesn’t make that model for everyone? :::¬†

Snowstorms have crippled airports, highways and rail lines across the country, stranding travelers for hours, days and, in some cases – throughout the entire holiday.

We were on our way to the airport and my grandma called and said the flight was canceled,” said¬†Blaine Skelton, 21, who spent last Christmas in Iraq,¬†is stationed at Camp Pendleton¬†and was traveling with his wife.

Skelton’s no longer counting on getting home for Christmas because the¬†next available flight is three days¬†after¬†the holiday.¬†Worse yet, this will probably be his last chance to visit family members before he is deployed again.

… which begs the question:

December 24, 2008 at 11:24 am 1 comment

Holiday Humbug


Some¬†dumb bitch in Panama City has gotten her EEOC-complaint on¬†because she¬†says she was fired from her job for refusing to answer the phone by saying ‘Happy Holidays’ as opposed to ‘Merry Christmas’.

The Rundown:
Tonia Thomas says the phrase ‘Happy Holidays’ contributes to the secularization of Christmas. The Orlando-based Liberty Counsel, which advocates for people discriminated against because of religion, is representing her.
– Her former employer, Counts Oakes Resort Properties, called bullshit on her defense and says she was fired for other reasons.
– The EEOC¬†hasn’t said squat … yet

Cookie’s Comeback:
I’d like to suggest that Ms. Thomas remove her head from her ass long enough to remember that her job was to book vacation rentals¬†in Florida¬†… and the last time I checked, folks from all over the world were free to get their Sunshine State vakay on.

That means people who don’t live within a 10-mile radius of the property rental office¬†who may be of different cultural or religious¬†heritage but still want to catch a¬†gnarly¬†wave or bake their buns in the¬†South Florida Sun¬†will occasionally be calling with inquiries of how best to¬†hand over their discretionary income in exchange for a beachfront condo …

‘Kay, girlfriend?
This world is a smallishly big place where many people observe or celebrate something other than (or in addition to) Christmas this time of year.
::: Free your mind and the rest will follow … :::

With head firmly out of ass, Ms. Thomas should find it much easier to see this great big beautiful world (and her country, state and city) in terms greater than her own self-indulgent, egocentric personhood.

In this last month every year in the world of more than Tonia Thomas’ me-me-me-ness, people gather together in celebration of several important secular and religous¬†events that don’t go by the name Christmas but are every bit as important to the folks who observe them.

Bottom line:
I can’t speak for everyone (although I’d like to!) but I can say that – taking into account that I do not live in my own little universe – I have zero issue¬†with extending a generic but nonetheless heartfelt wish for universal happiness and well-being to those who’s company I am fortunate enough to keep in the month of December.

So let’s go ahead and give Tonia Thomas a tiara because she has earned the dubious distinction of being my ‘Dumbass Bitch of the Season’ as well as the year-round title of official¬†‘Redneck Riviera Retard’ for her ability to throw caution and common sense to the winds while adopting¬†an absolutely¬†mindnumbingly myopic and ill-advised moral stance over what is, in essense, one of the most extremely non-pressing non-important non-issue issues of our time.

Take a bow, Tonia. Take a bow.

—————————————————————————–

And, just in case anyone was wondering about those December dates¬†…

Kwanzaa
A seven-day celebration of African family, culture and community, Kwanzaa is not a religious celebration but rather a cultural one which begins December 26 and runs through January 1.

Boxing Day
A public holiday also observed on December 26 by folks in the United Kingdom, Canada, New Zealand Australia and countries in the Commonwealth of Nations.
Historically, the tradition of Boxing Day calls for the giving of presents to the poor.
::: Those after-Christmas deep discounts really come in handy! :::

Hanukkah
This year, the Jewish holiday began at sundown on Sunday, December 22. Although it’s not a ‘High Hoy Day’, the Hanukkah is still one of the most widely recognized religious celebrations in the world.
Because the holiday is fixed on the Hebrew calendar as the 25th day of Kislev (for those playing along at home) it varies on the Gregorian calendar used by the rest of the world.
As a result, Hanukkah can fall anywhere from late November to late December which means that it often crosses paths (and sometimes downright overlaps) Christmas on the ol’ calendar.

Saint Nicholas Day
On December 6, folks in Northern Europe use Saint Nicholas Day to¬†educate children that¬†jolly old St. Nick¬†wasn’t always just¬†some gluttonous elf who rides around giving PlayStations and Wiis and iPods to privileged little boys and girls one night each year.
Instead they recognize Saint Nicholas’s¬†great kindness and generous aid to those in distress.
Traditional celebrations of this day include gifts left in children’s shoes (the origin of our American Christmas stockings). Good children receive treats – candies, cookies, apples and nuts, while naughty children receive switches or lumps of coal.

Eid’ul-Adha
Observed on December 8, this Muslim holiday commemorates the willingness of Ibrahim to sacrifice his son Ishmael as an act of obedience to God.

Fiesta of Our Lady of Guadalupe
Observed every December 12, Fiesta of Our Lady of Guadalupe
is one of the most important dates on the Mexican calendar. It’s¬†a time of great sacrifice and jubilation¬†when thousands of the faithful from around the country make¬†a pilgrimage to the Bas√≠lica of Guadalupe, in Mexico City, where the miraculous image of la Virgen Morena is kept.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS BITCHES!!!!!!

December 23, 2008 at 9:44 pm 4 comments

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