Posts tagged ‘transportation’

Dumbass of the Day


Once upon a time, a dumbass Chevy dealer [is there any other kind?] staged a dumbass Monster Truckgasm [again … ] so he could show the dumbass faithful how to ‘CRUSH THE COMPETITION!!!’

And by ‘crush the competition’ we mean, of course, that he would implement an incentive plan for more responsible SUV ownership leveraging new hybrid and E85 technological functionalities alongside an aggressive buy-back program as part of a broader 5-year phaseout strategy.

HAHAHAHAHA!!!
Just kidding!

He was gonna fuck some shit UP, y’all!

James Severtson of Hilo, Hawaii’s Island Chevrolet had the bright idea of rolling a retardedly mountainous American-made machine over some silly ass Asian rice-burner, ‘cuz, you know – ‘that’ll show ’em’ … or something …
::: my my, how original :::

“We’d like to send the message that the best way to support your country is to buy an American vehicle today,” Severtson said.

So Brainiac arranged for a Chevrolet Suburban SUV …
::: Umm, would that be the Chevy Suburban made in Janesville, Wisconsin or the one made in Silao … MEXICO??? :::

… outfitted with massive tires costing $5,000 apiece
::: Well sure! Because in these hard economic times, what better way to illustrate the woes of the American automotive industry than to dump $20k on tires  … :::

… to annihilate the  Marysville, Ohio -YOUESSOFAYYYY-made Honda Accord
::: USA! USA! :::

‘Cept the dumbass plan didn’t exactly go according to … well, the dumbass plan!
::: INCONCEIVABLE! :::

On the first attempt, the Suburban blew a hydraulic hose and sprung a big ol’ leak … while the Honda remained intact and ready for more.
::: ruh roh :::

After several embarassing hours, the truck was repaired and the driver tried again — but this time he added a Hyundai Excel to the mix.
::: Whew! Becuase, unlike the Hyundai Santa Fe and Sonata, which are made in Alabama, the post-95 Excel (AKA the Accent) IS foreign made … so, like YAY, woohoo and coolification — they got one right! :::

In the end, the Suburban drove over the cars’ hoods and destroyed their windshields … while onlookers the dumbass faithful squealed with [what else?] dumbass delight.

… and the American auto industry was saved … or … not …

December 22, 2008 at 4:47 pm 3 comments

Bumper stickers are the new crazy


Cars with bumper stickers

People who drive vehicles sporting bumper stickers are sick, crazy, dangerous bastards bent on your destruction.

Whaaaattttt?
I know it sounds harsh, but it’s based on serious researchification and scientifical findings – so we must accept it as truth.

Depreciating your ride by sticking sticky things on your vehicle’s ass instantly turns you into a territorial asshole who is a major road-rage incident in the making.

Sorry Road-Ragers!!

Colorado State University social psychologist William Szlemko sez:
Drivers of cars with bumper stickers, window decals, personalized license plates and other “territorial markers” not only get mad when someone cuts in their lane or is slow to respond to a changed traffic light, but they are far more likely than those who do not personalize their cars to use their vehicles to express rage – by honking, tailgating and other aggressive behavior.

In other words — sticker slickers are jerks who think they own the roads, which makes them bad people, which makes the rest of us better than them, which means we can rightfully feel superior now.

Thanks Scientifical Researchification!!

“The more markers a car has, the more aggressively the person tends to drive when provoked,” Szlemko said. “Just the presence of territory markers predicts the tendency to be an aggressive driver.”

That means YOU – Mr. If the van is a-rockin’, don’t come a-knockin’. We know your game!

And little Miss ‘My Kid is a Crystal Cove Elementary Super Star’ Prius driver?
You’re not fooling anyone. We know you’d run a school bus full of kiddies off the road if the driver didn’t merge fast enough for you.

Bitch.

 

June 17, 2008 at 12:43 pm

Garbage … it’s what’s for dinner


Garbage Dumpster - It's What's For DinnerOh my god – this is HUGE!
I have found the answer to EVERYTHING — and the best part? It’s all around me and it’s all FREE!!!!!
Woo hoo!!

I can live a virtually cost-free life by putting the F-word into practice.

See, there’s this group of cheap hippie freaks people who call themselves Freegans and they’ve figured out how to live the ‘One man’s trash is another man’s treasure’ principle on a daily basis.
*Freegie-Beegies are people who rummage through the stink, the slime, the stench and salmonella of trash bins everywhere searching for food, household items, paper products, clothes and just about any old nastay-ass discard you can imagine — and they live off their haul.

It’s not Dumpster diving — it’s Waste Reclamation and, with my homeowner’s insurance skyrocketing, food prices through the roof and gas prices almost forcing me to choose between my drinking problem and getting around town — I have decided to leverage a little Freeganism for my freegin’ good!

But am I ready? Do I have what it takes to be truly Freeganiving?
I think I am … I think I do!

Every Thursday, my local Publix takes the stale, slightly moldy bread and all the lingering limp vegetables from their shelves and cycles them out to the galvanized-steel ‘reclamation’ bins behind the store … talk about your five-finger discount!
Freeganomical!

Cafeteria employees over at Midlands Elementary take each day’s uneaten remains and repurpose them to a set of plastic drums sitting in a lonely, unshaded corner of the parking lot. What I once thought of as maggot magnets I now see as full-on hot lunch buffet!!
Freeganistic!

I have a neighbor who works about four blocks from my office … a neighbor who doesn’t lock his car at night (well that’s what I HEARD !). If I can get my freeloadin’ ass up a sneaky ten minutes earlier, I can stow away in his trunk and silently slug my way to the office each day.
Freeganificent!

Oh, I know it won’t be all bitter broccoli and second-hand saliva. Foraging isn’t all fun and games!
And if it doesn’t pan[handle] out, I may be forced to practice some Voluntary Joblessness to offset the impact of my lack of transportation, which I further understand may lead to an unavoidable period of Rent-Free Habitation in one of the abandoned foreclosures in my immediate area … but what is life if not sacrifice?
*And hey, if I get arrested — that’s even MORE free food and accommodations comin’ my way! It’s win-win!!

Who wants to help me prove that the best things in life are free… and, well yeah, fungal??

June 2, 2008 at 7:04 pm 6 comments

Back in my day …


The time seems fast approaching when I just may find myself using this very phrase — a phrase I have forever associated with a certain craggy geriatric fool waving a jiggly, spotted, paper-skinned arm shakily in the air while yelling at me to get my ‘goddamned dog’ off his lawn …

‘Back in my day …’

See, it dawned on me recently that the generation behind me has no memory of things my peers considered groundbreaking — back in the day.
Remember Prodigy?
*the old internet service, not the totally kick-ASS group responsible for timeless classics like Smack My Bitch Up*

Back in ‘our’ day — we were cool and oh-so-cutting-edge because we were part of the elite group using space-aged new-fangled technologies like email (ooooo) and ‘The Internet’ (aaahhhhh)
 — way, way, WAY back in our day meaning, well, the early 90’s.

But it’s ok.

I may not be old enough to remember some of the big stitches (bring on the hee hee) in the fabric of ‘modern’ time like:
The oil crisis of the 70s (You mean there was one before now?!?  😉
Freddy Prinze, Sr. (who?)
Trash-80s (4 KB of RAM – hahahahaHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!)
dollar-a-gallon gasoline (no link — I’m told it was around a while back …)

But I am old enough to confidently apply the ‘Back in my day’ label to things like:
Timothy McVeigh
::: Back in my day, there was this crazy-ass fucktard bastard American who hated America and all the l’il ol’ Americans in it … :::

eBay
::: Back in my day, you could take any old piece of shit you didn’t want anymore, slap a pricetag on it and watch any idiot with a computer try to buy it … :::

Lemony Snicket
::: Back in my day, there were these freaky-ass books that scared the shit out of kids but it was cool because it reminded them that reading was kinda nifty … well, that and some weirdo boy wizard named Harry or something …:::

and paper plane tickets

Paper Plane tickets going awayYup, that’s right — paper plane tickets.

The paper airline ticket officially goes the way of the dinasaur on Sunday, June 1 (also the beginning of the Atlantic Hurricane Season, but I digress …) when hundreds of carriers switch to all electronic ticketing, much of it through internet booking.
Yay — the Internet wins again!!!!

Take a moment.
Shed a tear.

Now smile and get over it.
Change is good, you old coot! 

May 30, 2008 at 7:31 pm


This is the shit you bitches are reading


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