Posts tagged ‘theater’

SOOOOO CLOSE!!!


I was there!
She was there!!
HE WAS THERE!!!

Every ingredient needed for a scrumptious Obama sandwich complete with juicy Cookie filling was there!
But alas … the most fantabulously fantasized ménage à trois ever dreamed about, hoped and wished for … was not to be.

While I was busy getting my Broadway fill of Reasons to be Pretty, Avenue Q and God of Carnage (go fucking see every one of these right fucking NOW!!!) … my boyfriend and the HBIC were one singular solitarily individual day (and just a couple of measly yards) away catching an evening performance of Joe Turner’s Come and Gone.

They even got their eat on over at Blue Hill restaurant!
BLUE HILL RESTAURANT – which is just the other side of Washington Square Park!!
Washington Square Park, people!!!  Which is the teensiest hop, skip and a jump’s distance from Cooper Square!!!!
COOPER SQUARE, BITCHES!! Which is where yours truly (when she wasn’t boozin’ it on Broadway, taking in Times Square or bustin’ her move in the Williamsburg section of Brooklyn) was spending groovy graduation times with the next generation’s most bestly truly talenteds!!!

ACK!!!

CURSE YOU MISSED OPPORTUNITY!!!

::: Well, actually curse YOU Secret Service, White House peeps and  political operatives everywhere for  failing to cut a bitch in on the crucial info! :::

SOURCE

June 1, 2009 at 12:29 pm 1 comment

Movie makers get their miser on


Old and Busted: Ginormous payouts plus part of the profits paid to barely-even pedestrian performers.

New Hotness: Puttin’ those bitches on a budget!

budgetdivaIt’s true!

Oh sure, you may think life is all darkness and ominosity out there in this New Great Depression, but take heart you homeless hobos! There IS a silver lining!

Your impovrished ass is about to get company!
::: YAY!!! Misery LOVES company! :::

NGD Math Lesson:
Your broke-assness + global economic meltdown = movie bidness bottom lines are moving toward  disgusting diva demands.

Yessiree! After years of empty promises to cut the sweetheart deals with the pompous and the bitchy (AKA – mid-level movie stars), the studios are finally able to stick it to ’em!
Why?
Hellooooooo?!?!? Haven’t you been listening?

The ‘crisis’, you silly!

They’re slashing star salaries and pulling perks like private jets, too.
::: I’m guessing they’re not pickin’ up the rehab tab anymore, either? :::

“They’ve wanted to go in this direction for a long time and the global financial crisis has given them the lever to do it,” a veteran talent representative told The Daily Beast.

Another rep broke it down a little better. “The studios are going out to actors who have been $10 million players and saying, `Here’s $5 million.’ Here’s two and a half.”
::: SLAVE WAGES!!! :::

And if LindsayTaraWhatsHerFace balks? No biggie!
The studios will simply pick another thespian from the pile.
::: Bitches on backup – smoooooth! :::

“They’re not fucking around,”
Mr. Nonamebecauseweareprobablytalkingaboutmyclient
said. “They know exactly who that next person is.”

Which may explain why Marvel Studios offered Scarlett Johansson and the twins a paltry $250,000 for Iron Man 2.

“We don’t like to be portrayed as being disrespectful to talent, notwithstanding the fact that we are very budget-conscious and can’t always meet an actor’s initial asking price,” Marvel COO Tim Connors said.
“We say, `We wouldn’t normally ask an actor at this level to do this but we’d be thrilled to have them.”

Now, it’s all good because ScarJo and her magnificantly talented chi chi balls were able to negotiate their way up to a semi-sort of respectable $400,000 for the film – so we feel confident she’ll be able to feed and clothe herself for at least another week or two … but something tells me SAG may want to get crackin’ on an emergency out of work actress retraining program because Kirsten Dunst is gonna need some way to pay for those sniffy snax and god knows the fossil financing CZJ isn’t gonna live forever!

Let’s go guys — CHOP CHOP!

SOURCE

April 3, 2009 at 2:38 pm 6 comments

Cinemania


I could see it over Nazi wargasm Valkyrie
::: because really — who wants to see that shit?? :::
I could undertand it over the Iron-Nunned Doubt
::: because, let’s face it, Meryl Streep can do that to you :::
You might even get me to sympathize if it happened during Spirit … 

… but Benjamin Button?!?

You bust a cap in someone’s as … err … ARM over The Curious Case of Benjamin Button?!?!?

122608_cialella_300How many shades of fucked-in-the-headedness do you have to be to try and ice a bitch over Benjamin Button?

This many —>
That’s all-around glamour puss and South Phillie’s foinest, James Joseph Cialella Jr., who brought the stupid — but no date, we’re pretty sure — to a holiday showing of the Brad Pitt damned-near-three-hour age-a-palooza at the Riverview Theatre.

Seems everything was going along all nice and sweet-like when some dad-son combo started in with the chitchat.

“How’d they do that with his face?”
“SHHHH!”

“Why’s he short like a baby but old man in the face?”
* throws popcorn*
“Hey! SHADDAP already, fuckers!” 

“Is Angelina in this movi …”
” That’s IT, dickweed! I am glocked, locked and READY TO ROCK!!”
::: CHK-CHK :::

Cialella opened fire and dad took one in the arm as frightened moviegoers made a mad dash for the exits.
Then, in true double-douche thumbsucker psychopath fashion, Cialella sat back down and continued to watch the movie.

He is now charged with attempted murder, aggravated assault, and weapons violations.

Ahhhh, the holidays …

Seriously though? This kinda reminds me of that scene in How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days … you know the one —  when Andie and Ben are at the movies and the guy behind them gets all ‘shut yer lady up’ and she gets all ‘you can’t talk to me like that’ and they all get all ‘let’s take it out to the hallway’ where Mr. Pissypants Movieguy punches Ben out and gets all ‘I’m going back inside to watch Sleepless In Seattle … Don’t anybody screw with me!’

Yup – JUST like that … except for the shrapnel and gunplay and IV of lactated ringers and all … mmm hmm!

December 28, 2008 at 2:58 pm 1 comment

Mariah Carey is an optimist


No, scratch that …
Mariah Carey is the most optimistic of all optimists ever to optimize optimism in any form. Ever.

How else can you explain that – despite actual laws being passed banning the bitch from movie theaters worldwide (unless she was holding a ticket) following the epically disastrous 2001 debut of Glitterhere she is — putting the fatal final touches on a new  movie?!?
::: oh no!  :::

Oh yes!

Just in time for the holidays comes Tennessee — a road-trip drama in which Carey plays (what else?) an aspiring singer!!!
::: that’s right girl — dig deep, challenge yourself – GROW! :::

Carey plays ‘Krystal’, a dumb whore who has high hopes to make it BIG in music – but is afraid she may have to settle for diddly squat because she is a dumb whore trapped in (what else?) a bad marriage.

This one’s gonna work!

And why not — It’s just soooo completely and totally different from Glitter – where she played (what else?) an aspiring singer who’s bullshit dreams are in danger of going *poof* because of (what else?)  the evil and controlling ways of a man!

Yup, totally  different!

“Woe is me?” What the hell is that?
exactly …

September 19, 2008 at 8:16 pm 1 comment

Dumb in Dallas


Intersection of Stupid and DumbassThe PC Police are at it again … this time in Dallas County, Texas where a snoozer of a meeting about traffic tickets turned all kinds of nasty as quick as 1-2-3 over the use of one of the world’s most common astronomy terms.

1. Commissioner Kenneth Mayfield, who is white, said it seemed that central collections office “has become a black hole” because paperwork routinely gets lost there.

2. That caused Commissioner John Wiley Price, who is black, to shout “Excuse me!” before correcting his pigment-deficient colleague, saying the office has become a “white hole.” 

3. And that caused Judge Thomas Jones, also black, to demand an apology from whitey Mayfield for his racially insensitive comment.

Seriously people — this again?!?
I feel a crying jag coming on.

For the record …
Black Hole:
  • An area of space-time with a gravitational field so intense that its escape velocity is equal to or exceeds the speed of light.
  • A great void; an abyss: The government created a bureaucratic black hole that swallows up individual initiative.
    Source: American Heritage Dictionary

    White Hole:
  • The reversal of a black hole.
  • A theoretical celestial object that ejects matter.
    Source: Dictionary.com Unabridged (v 1.1)
  •  

    I’ll grant you, so far the 2008 Verbal Retardation Award has to go to the Brits who wanted to ban ‘brainstorming’ in favor of ‘thought showering’  — but these Dallas County Commissioners have definitely earned themselves a most dishonorable mention in the ’20 Kinds of Asshatednessly Overboard Responses’ subcategory.

    What other perfectly legit words and phrases will we next be asked to quit?
    Hmmmmmmm …..

  • Will we never have another black out?
    ::: Los Angelinos rejoice — right? :::
  • Do they stop searching for the black box after plane crashes?
  • Will companies have to stop reporting that they’re in the black?
    ::: Not many are actually doing that right now anyway :::
  • Should Sikorsky rename the Black Hawk helicopter — and (ACK!) what about Ridley Scott’s movie of the same name — guess that puppy’s got to be redone.
  • What’s to become of the folks currently living in Black Lick, Pennsylvania?
    ::: where o’ where will Aunt Midge’s mail go?!?!?! :::
  • Will Publix stop carrying black cherry soda?
  • Do I no longer have to fear black cats?
  • Can anarchists no longer fly their black flag?
  • Does Germany need to rename the Black Forest?
  • Will families no longer have black sheep?
    ::: don’t get excited Cleetus – you’ll always have that honor :::

  • God help the environmentalists once the aliens go PC …

    July 10, 2008 at 4:18 pm 6 comments


    This is the shit you bitches are reading


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