Posts tagged ‘Texas’

Droll Tide


It comes as no surprise to anyone who has even the remotest passing knowledge of The Cookie that Auburn Football is the absolute and complete love of my life.
::: It’s ok – Mr. Cookie has learned to deal. :::

And even knowing that about me, the peeps here in Florida think I’m joking when I tell them nothing – and I DO mean nothing – is more important to people from the state of Alabama than almighty football.

Which is why – despite the fact that it centers around the hated, The Despised, THE DEVIL’S SPAWN that is the Alabama Crimson Tide – I am totally down with the following and don’t find it at all ridicutarded.

Lawyers representing the defendant in an accidental death case — a case that has taken four years to come to trial — asked the judge to delay the trial because it conflicts with the Alabama-Texas BCS title game on January 7.

And judge sez?
Sure!
::: Whaaat?!? It IS the championship game! :::

Attorney Jon Terry argued in his motion for delay that the trial was scheduled “before certain monumental events occurred,” that some attorneys have tickets to the game, that jurors are likely to be preoccupied and that opposing attorneys went to Auburn.
::: Monumental … you know, like barely beating Auburn in the final minutes after having your Heisman hero being held to less than one yard per carry by my beloved Tigers in the heartbreak game of the year … uh huh sure, but whatever … :::

“ROLL TIDE!!” the motion concludes.

Circuit Judge Dan King, an Auburn alumnus, said he planned to grant the motion.

“If I didn’t, they’d say, ‘He just didn’t grant it because he’s an Auburn fellow,'” he said. “I wouldn’t do that to ’em.”

Shockingly – plaintiffs attorneys have a problem with this!
::: must be grouchy Gator grads … :::

In a motion filed Thursday morning they argued that the trial should begin as scheduled.
“Simply stated, some things are more important than football,” the motion said.

BLASPHEMERS!!!

Judge Scott Vowell, the presiding judge in Jefferson County and also an Auburn alumnus [we DO rule!], said he’d never before seen a motion that requested a continuance because of a football game but gave the Tiders mad props for coming clean.

“There’s been some motions for continuances and I’ve suspected what the real reason was,” he said. “But this is the first one I’ve seen that was this honest and candid about the reason.”

Judge King, who had not yet issued a formal order late Thursday, said he would reschedule the trial to begin in a month or two.

Bama — ballsy on the field … and off!

SOURCE

December 18, 2009 at 11:58 am 4 comments

What the funk?!


Thirty-four Fort Worthians had their buns hauled to area hospitals yesterday after what was originally thought to be a poisonous gas leak at a downtown Bank of America building turned out to be someone’s funk ass perfume.

“Two employees reported some dizziness in close association with someone spraying on some perfume,” a fire department official said.
He said that when the two reported being dizzy to a supervisor, “an announcement was made over the building’s PA system saying that anyone feeling these symptoms should exit the building to an outside location.”

And, shock of shocks! Total fucking PANIC ensued.

Fire Department officials referred to the episode as an example of collective “psychosomatic behavior.”

Medical experts often refer to such episodes as “contagious fear.”

The Cookie believes the episode was actually the result of “the testing of Amy Winehouse’s new fragrance.”

SOURCE

July 31, 2009 at 12:28 pm 1 comment

Jailhouse crock


Well booby hooby hoo!

Accused billionaire Texas swindler
<—— Robert Allen Stanford doesn’t like being behind bars so much and he’s pitching a pissy hissy in hopes it’ll get his ass moved to nicer digs.

Stanford is being held without bond at the Joe Corley Detention Facility while he waits to be tried on charges he bilked investors out of about $7 BILLION over the last decade.

His lawyer, Dick DeGuerin, filed a motion to have Stanford moved, calling conditions at the jail “oppressive.”

The motion says Stanford’s being held in a windowless cell with eight to 10 other men and that the power’s been on the blink at the clink resulting in no A/C for at least a week.

Now, ok – I’ll grant you that being confined like that during the hottest part of the year means you’re basically sitting in an oven and I’m down with the fact that being forced to sit in an oven sucks major ass.
I’ll even go you one further and admit that I totally dig that little document we call the Constitution, which generally guarantees prisoner rights under the 8th Amendment.

But if they’re not prepared to move every other inmate being forced to bake his buns in the same boiler, then I gotta say this move would smack of preferential treatment and that’s too big a crock of shit to swallow sober.

Sorry Stanford!
But hey, instead of bitching and moaning about all this dark, sweaty time you’ve got on your hands — maybe try being a glass half full kind of guy!
Yeah, that’s the ticket!
Don’t think of the stinky man stew that is your cell as punishment. Think of it as possible preparation!

See! Always a bright side! 🙂

SOURCE

July 29, 2009 at 1:45 pm

Copy Kellys


Is there some bodysnatchers shit going on up in here?

duoThese two bitches are the same person!

Well no. Not really.
But they are both named Kelly Hildebrandt and they are gettin’ hitched!

The couple met when she-Kelly looked up her name on Facebook to see if she had a dubilicious ditto out there and wouldn’t you just know it? There was he-Kelly.
::: MNT 2 B :::

Three weeks later, K-peen decided ‘enough with shis virtual shit’, bought a ticket and flew his Texan ass to Florida to check out K-vag IRL.

Dude liked the total package, proposed eight months later and now these two sluts are about to get their I Do’s on!
::: Well duuuhhhhh! She is hot :::

But don’t worry. I mean, it’s not like they’re from Alabama or West Virginia or anything.
They say they’ve checked ancestry records from, bnameslike, 250 years or some shit and have confirmed they are not blood relations so consummation is for sures on the up-and-up, which is awesome because that means that, instead of doing something “Hollywoody” and labeling their lambs Xerox and Ditto and Clone, they can continue the title tradition (and lay the groundwork for their own reality series I’ll go out on a limb and predict will be called The Doppelgangers) by pushing little Kelli and Kelee and Kehley around town in their very own Mountain Buggy Urban Triple!!

And when that glorious day comes — somewhere over a fat-blasting G-Broil Supreme, George Foreman will be smiling in approval …

SOURCE

July 20, 2009 at 2:37 pm 1 comment

Oh HELL No!


This amuses me.
How I didn’t know about this before is beyond me — but it amuses me still.

See, years ago, townsfolk in Kingsville, Texas brought the Heck Naw to the gold standard of worldwide welcomes and replaced that bitch with 100% dumbfuck.

At the urging of some twit named Leonso Canales Jr. — who got his britches in a big ol’ bunch over the ‘hell’ in ‘hello’ — commissioners went full retard and unanimously designated “heaven-o” as the county’s official greeting.

Those twats even passed a resolution on that mess – resolving to not just adopt nutsack’s “universal greeting” [WTF?] “as the official greeting of Kleberg County and a symbol of peace, friendship, and welcome” but also to commend his “positive approach … and dedication to the community.” 

And I get it.
I mean, ok — so dude wanted to do something positive.
pozactS’cool. I’m down.

Soooo why not pass a resolution on the positive effects of volunteering in the community and requiring everyone do volunteer at least 2 hours every week?
And what about a resolution about the positive outcome recycling has on the community and give everyone new bins to help the effort?
Or how about a resolution about the positivity of literacy and how everyone is invited to free reading seminars and book club meetings at the local library?

Because none of that shit invokes PURE EVIL like the dreaded hello!

Which is sad because that must mean the rez translated to other words that summon Satan simply by being said.

You know, like I bet it’s stressful in ol’ Kingsville now that everyone has to know everything about everything all the time since no one is allowed to be shellshocked anymore.

And I’m sure it’s got to be more than a little restrictive for the local football team to want to win REAL bad … but not be permitted get hellbent on the idea.

And you gotta know you are just twenty kinds of screwed if you’re in a rush and someone starts blah blah-ing to you about this shit or that crap or some other mess because now they have free reign to just drone on and on and on and on and on since no one’s allowed to put it in a nutshell anymore.

Damn.

But hey — at least no one in Kingsville lives in a hellhole and I bet everyone there is all relaxed and peaceful-like now that the peeps aren’t permitted to walk on eggshells.

Too bad about Shelly though.
I bet her friends really miss her …

June 12, 2009 at 2:48 pm 3 comments

GIRLCRUSH!!!!!!!!!


I think I’m in love with another woman.
Don’t worry … I think Mr. Cookie won’t mind.

413-profile_harding_03-08-2009_arlingtons_4bs2uvqembeddedprod_affiliate58<—- Meet Whitney Harding.

Whitney is a 39-year-old Lone Star mama who juggles several jobs, including being a wife and mother of two, being her block’s resident MILF (look at that hot slut – no lie!) while also acting as the new PTA council president in her kids’ school district, volunteering at their school and selling cosmetics.

Bitch is busy, ‘kay?

But somewhere in the mangled mess of her daily ‘Must Do’ list she still finds time for what really matters.

Roller Derby.

She’s the blocker for the Dallas Derby Devils league’s ‘Slaughterers’ – her derby handle is ‘Homewrecker’ and she’s 20 different kind of ready to knock a rival skank OUT when duty calls.
:::   :::

“I like a good solid hit,” she said. “It’s just about making a good solid hit, helping your jammer get through the pack.”

Oh my God I love her SO much!!!!!

When I was a kid my mom would take me to Oxmoor Ice Lodge to play mixed-youth hockey. You just cannot beat that shit!

With just a little padding, a helmet and skates I was transformed each week into an adolescent, ice-bound KILLING MACHINE.

Seriously! Once practice was over and our coach was gone – the rink opened up to the date-night lovey-dovey’s and that’s when I’d kick it into hyperdrive, get my speed skate on ’round rink’s edge – going faster and Faster and FASTER – before picking out a coupla handholders and BUSTIN’ THOSE BITCHES APART!!!!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! YEAH!!!!!!!
It was the BEST!

Ooohhhhh I’d forgotten how much I loved it, how much I missed that kind of excitement, how much I still want to knock shit down!!

Whitney has put her derby voodoo mojo on me and awakened an inner desire that I’m not sure I can ignore!

I just may have to trot my buns down to the Broward County Derby Grrls’ Fresh Meat Sunday and bust a bitch down move!

… I just need to think of a super way cool total HBIC derby nickname …

SOURCE

March 9, 2009 at 5:50 pm 15 comments

Ewwww pig … souie!


Good Cookie PostOh hell to the yeah!!

I’m all over this new extreme sport like white on rice (smotthered in roasted pig).

Mr. State Rep Sid Miller (of Texas) needs a hand shake and a cold cerveza from this dude because he’s offerin up legislation that will give regular-type guys like me the chance to get a permit to hunt feral hogs from the skies.

All righty then … Where do I sign up?!?

The population of feral hogs has gone bonkers here in my fair state, and it’s evident from field to forest to the backyard of suburban Sally’s pristine petunias!

People have actually seen them fornicate in their faces, as if to say “don’tcha wish your species was hot like me …don’tcha?”

But they do wreak havoc on land and property, adding up to million$ each year.
Hmmmm — can you say stimulus assistance?
Hellllooooo pork spending!

There are those, however, who really want Oliver and the rest of their thousands upon thousands — upon estimated TWO MILLION family membersnot to be fired upon.
I’m sure that those opposing will be happy to let a few thousand hogs hang out at their places for some friendly foraging — NOT!
Maybe even some classes on diversity to get the hogs to understand that it’s a “no no” to tear up other peoples shit?!?
Uh … no. Sorry, ain’t gonna happen here.

Hell, even coyotes are scared of these ornery bithches!

Let’s get the bazooka and hit the air!

Apparently, some eleven hundred hunters did get permits last year here in Texas — and they’re shootin from the skies!!
What makes them so special?
I don’t know, but I’m going through my curled up phonebook today to see if any of my buddies already have liscenses to hunt these porkers.

Game on fatty-porker!

HOG CHATTER!

Signed: Springdaddy

February 21, 2009 at 3:05 pm 13 comments

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