Posts tagged ‘terrorism’

9/11 Memorabilia FAIL


911fail
Ummm, no.

You don’t get points for taking one of the worst tragedies in human history and turn it in to a plushy toy.

Kitsch does not commemorative make.

‘Nuff said.

September 11, 2009 at 10:08 am 3 comments

In case you didn’t know …


This is what history rewriting itself looks like:

Cheney this week: “No Iraq – 9/11 link”

Cheney 2002 – 2003: So believed there was an Iraq-9/11 link that he (and Rumsfeld) authorized the use of torture to extract evidence of an Iraq-Al Qaeda link from detainees

Cheney 2003: “Could be Iraq – 9/11 link”

Cheney 2004: “Clear link between Iraq and Al Qaeda”

… ok … maybe it’s just what shameless evil looks like.

 

History would do well to erase this motherfucker from it’s memory altogether.
If only it could …

June 3, 2009 at 10:24 am

O’Baby can’t bee too careful


The badness has come!
The end is nigh!!
OUR WORST FEARS REALIZED!!!

Yes, America — it happened!

Terrorists have attacked the White House

Just one precious, rainbow-filled day after O’Beautiful returned from his jam-packed, eight-day, six-country overseas tripapalooza – the White House fell victim to insidious thuggery of extreme proportions when …

… oh I almost can’t even describe the horror …

… when bees attacked the prez’s rez!

BEEEEEES!!!

It all started when a swarm – SWARM!! – of honey bees took over a bush *ACK!* located between the Northwest security gate of the White House and the area where television networks’ stand-up positions are located.

beesOne CNNer who braved the marauding horde and miraculously lived to tell his harrowing tale of survival had this to say:
“I walked out and thought it was a swirl of blossoms blowing in the wind, but turns out it was a swarm of bees,” he explained.

OH THE HUMANITY!!!!
::: Surely there’s a Purple Heart category for this kind of heroism! :::

But take heart, fellow citizens — complete catastrophic meltdown of the Capital was averted because my boyfriend is the wisest man in the known universe and knew from the time he was a zygote that the Commander in Chief MUST be prepared for just this kind of treachery — which is why he keeps a carpenter – who also just happens to be a beekeeper – on staff!
::: Mah Boo is wicked smart! :::

Wearing protective gear and brandishing a cardboard box, SuperCarpenterBeeMan was able to box up the queen and many of her drones …

AND AMERICA WAS SAVED!!!!!!

… until the great termite invasion …

SOURCE 

April 10, 2009 at 6:03 pm 4 comments

Scary Communiqué FAIL


Osama bin Laden must have gotten bored picking burrs and gnats out of his beard or something ‘cuz he hooked up the camcorder again – this time calling for Israel’s imminent doom.

DOOOOOOOOOOM!!!

Ya … ‘cept nobody cares.
::: We’re just not that into you … :::

ignoreblU.S. officials dismissed the tape [TAPE?!?], saying not only is it NOT a credible threat to my boyfriend’s ascention to the Bejeweled and Golden Throne of Audacious Hopification – but that it also looked like a cheesy fund-raising effort.
::: Someone drank the ‘Terrorist Telethons are gonna be BIG in ’09’ Kool-Aid … ::

White House spokesman Gordon Johndroe said, “It appears this tape [TAPE?!? WTF?!?] demonstrates his isolation and continued attempts to remain relevant at a time when al Qaeda’s ideology, mission, and agenda are being questioned and challenged throughout the world.”
::: BOO YA, BEEYATCH!!! :::

Next week’s three-day drunken orgy of lurve for O’Baby is expected to draw adoring hoards of 1.5 million or more to the Washington – so, of course the FBI is all over anything that even remotely resembles anything remotely threateny or killy sounding.
So what’d they make of bin Laden’s celuloid commandment?

A big hot cuppa NUTHIN’, that’s what!

When asked if the tape [MF! — TAPE?!?] represented a threat to the inauguration, FBI spokesman Richard Kolko said, “We have no specific or credible threat to the inauguration.”
::: DENIED!!! Not even worth a mention of the wicked one? SO COLD!!! :::

Osama?
Hon?

Listen – next time just save us all your Midol moment and upload your rants to YouTube like Chrissy ‘leave Britney alooooooone’ Crocker.

That way all the little evildoer wannabes chained to the wall of the cave of wicked villainy and the 4 people in your MySpace fanclub can whack it to your totally rad terrorist gyrations of dooooooom … and leave the rest of us to go about the very pressing business of converting oxygen to carbon dioxide.

‘kay pumkin?

SOUCRCE

January 15, 2009 at 5:22 pm 7 comments

Pirate puss out in 3… 2…


Just who exactly is running these rinky dink pirate outfits these days?
Seriously! They don’t seem all that badass to me.

artnauticacruiseprestigeThey get all ‘gimme gimme’ when it comes to hijacked oil tankers and confiscated container ships full of wheat but put a cruise ship in their sights and they flat-out forget how to get their attack on!
::: Aaarrrgghhh!! :::

This weekend a bunch of sea bandits saw dollar signs when they spotted a passenger vessel off the coast of Yemen. They were headed straight for a good old fashioned hah-jakkin’ when the ginormously huge 30,000-ton luxury cruise ship pulled a not-fast-at-all one, took ‘evasive measures’ and outran their freeboatin’ fannies.
And by ‘evasive measures’ we mean the captain kicked that bad boy into slightly-faster-than-sitting-still gear and gunned it to a light-breeze inducing 27mph!
::: Whooshifica … wait. What?!? :::

Twenty seven miles per hour …

somali_piratesAre these buccaneers rowing toward the booty?
Are they paddling their way to the purloined property?
Are they using a trolling motor for transport?

Twenty seven miles per hour …

The arthritic blind septuagenarian down the street can work his walker faster than that for crying out loud!!!
::: It’s true. I’ve chased him a couple of times in my car. Gramps can go! :::

You know what? This cruise ship deal just doesn’t seem very piratey to me.
Time was, oceangoing terrorism actually meant something!

The number of pirate attacks this year has shot up faster than Amy Winehouse in a Camden crackhouse! The International Maritime Bureau cites more than 90 pirate attacks off East Africa alone.

And when the blundering bucs aren’t being outrun by luxury liners moving at a glacial pace, they do occasionally make it to the hijacking phase (or ‘lightning round’ as it’s called in the biz) where the scores can really change!

That’s when the swarthy swashbucklers take the stolen ships to Somali waters and wait to find out if anyone gives enough of a shit about the vessel and crew to cough up some cool ransom cashola.

So far this year, bilge suckers have raked in an estimated $150 million.

$150 million!!! And still they can’t get a boat capable of outrunning a lumbering sea mass like The Nautica?

I may be just a silly ol’ landlubber, but I’d say it’s time for a management change at the ol’ Marauders Club.

December 2, 2008 at 4:35 pm 6 comments

I have probs


The Sunday New York Times‘ lede story was about widespread protests after an American missile attack in Pakistan killed a pro-Al-Qaeda British militant — which is all serious and newsy and exactly what you expect from the venerable Gray Lady and so I settled into a deep chair, coffee at the ready, completely prepared for a squinty-eyed, pressed-lipped, totally contemplative read.

Then I saw the lede photo:
23rauf-600

And all I could think of after that was:

TOUCHDOWWWWNNNNNNN!!!!!!!

… ahh Sundays …

Photo: Muhammad Iqbal/Associated Press

November 24, 2008 at 11:35 am 1 comment


This is the shit you bitches are reading


Creative Commons License
Lifeisacookie is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 3.0 United States License.


%d bloggers like this: