Posts tagged ‘Sun Sentinel’

THANK GOD the Sun Sentinel is there!


When serious news happens, I’m all THANK GOD the Sun Sentinel is there!

And what was it this Saturday, March 17, 2012?

Egypt’s Pope Shenouda III going all kinds of dead at age 88?
::: nah, those mourning masses meant twelve kinds of APPARENTLY NOT MUCH! :::
The 8 NCAA men’s basketball tournament games being played?
::: puhleeze – 80 gozillionthousand people screaming about busted brackets – BOOOORING! :::
Supremely sinister shit STILL going down in a bad, bad way over in Syria?
::: uhh, like no ‘n stuff?! it’s Syria, not SoFla! :::
St. Patrick’s Day observer’s out gettin’ their green on and going batshit bazoinkadork in shades of beryl and bice all over the gat damned place?
::: get real. like $4.55 BILLION in expected retail sales is interesting in this continued new great depression or anything! :::

Nope.
None of that pesky “actual news” even lives in the same hemisphere of being nearly as noteworthy as the in-depth exposé on what is indisputably THE most important issue ever to face the people of Earth, the United States, the East Coast, Florida, Broward County, Tamarac!

NEWSFLASH!
There are slow drivers out there — and they are frustrating!

And I’m all THANK GOD the Sun Sentinel is there to wade through the uncertainty and confusion of this MAJOR STORY!

Apathetic automobile operators have produced nothing short of all-around yawns an all-out affront to life as we know it!
The people have spoken and they are easily placated pissed — they are out there reacting when provoked to respond to this non-event by beat reporters with nothing better to do.

And, you know,  I’m all THANK GOD the Sun Sentinel was there to break it down in easily-digestible chunkletts!!!!

“Slow drivers are really a hazard,” said John Bowman, a spokesman for the National Motorist Association.

FEEL THE PANIC!

Joshua Rotenberg, of Fort Lauderdale, says he wonders why slowpokes aren’t “pulled over and slapped for being discourteous.”

SENSE THE OUTRAGE!!

“I get upset and wish them a slow death,” one reader said via Facebook.

FEAR THE VENGEANCE!!!

“It’s frustrating but it’s not worth ruining my day over,” said Darren Short, a delivery truck driver from Boynton Beach.

BRACE FOR THE CALAMI … wait. What?

“A lot of the time, it’s only a matter of a few seconds or minutes before the slow driver will turn off,” AAA’s Michele Harris explained.

Troopers agree! They say when encountering drivers committing the dastardly deed of deliberately dawdling during your day to just use your turn signal and change lanes.

Whew! Crisis averted!!

And I’m all THANK GOD the Sun Sentinel is thereor whatever …

March 19, 2012 at 6:16 pm 1 comment

Accuracy, accurasea, akyura … wait. What?


So, OJ Simpson was sentenced today for his role in a 2007 raid on a Las Vegas hotel room where two collectibles dealers were robbed of a bunch of sports memorabilia and blah blah we’re-so-shocked-he’s-goin’-to-the-slammer blah …

Too bad no one paid attention to the little details … like just how much time he’ll have to look for ‘the real killers’ in prison.

oj

Thanks journos who weren’t part of the historic massive employment bloodletting this year and are lucky to still collect a paycheck from a job you’ve clearly given up on already!!!!!! It’s good to know we can‘t count on you!

December 5, 2008 at 10:10 pm 28 comments

Wait. What?


sentinelwhat

Mah brain’s gettin’ a confusion contusion!
Glad I voted early!

… stay tuned …

November 4, 2008 at 6:23 pm

Hey Miami! You goin’ soft?


I bet it’s all party party party in Miami right about now.
I bet folks are elated on Euclid, marching down Meridian and shakin’ what their mamas gave ’em in a conga line of HAPPY all through Cutler Ridge.

Noooo – I’m not talking about the election or sports or hookers givin’ freebies down by the causeway.
::: err, offline topic — email me for that location …. :::

Nope — this is BIGGER!

The streets of Miami are paved with sunshiny rays of joyous gloriosity because …
… wait for it …

No one’s murdered anyone in 35 days … and counting!!!!

WOO HOO PAR-TAY!!! 

It’s a great record when people are not killing each other,” one cop said in what will go down in history as THE most ginormous understatement of the new milennium.

35 days and no one go bye-bye!?!
UnHEARD of!!!!

Oh, but it gets better!
Miami has had just a mere 55 homicides so far this year — 32 fewer killings than last year!
::: awesome :::

And Better!!
There was NO [repeat NO] murderin’ going on at all in the whole of the entire month of October!
::: awesomer ::: 

AND EVEN BETTER!!!
The last time an entire month passed with no one in greater Miami making anyone else in greater Miami any kind of dead was May … of 1966 !!!
::: AWESOMEST!! :::  

I know!! You kind of want to pinch yourself, right?!?!? Go ahead – I did!
::: I liked it too :::

So who’s up for a Liberty City picnic???

November 3, 2008 at 2:33 pm

Bailout boondoggle?


So I’m reading a story on the Sun-Sentinel website this morning about how the multi-gozillion dollar bailout won’t do diddly squat for the flagging South Florida housing market because the real fix won’t happen until foreclosures begin to fade away and the inventory of unsold homes begins to shrink.
::: mmmkay – makes sense … :::

”The Bush administration wants to buy the bad debts of banks, restoring public confidence in the financial markets. More mortgages would mean more home sales, and more sales ultimately would stabilize falling prices nationwide,” Paul Owers wrote.
::: Umm hmm, ok – I get that… :::

“The housing meltdown began in 2006 in part because too many people stretched to buy homes they couldn’t afford during the preceding five-year boom. From now on, analysts say, lenders will be more careful and home buyers will have to save for down payments,” Owers wrote.
::: gotcha, uh huh, still with ya … :::

Meanwhile, the housing slump is testing sellers, Owers continued, naming one in particular who has a three-bedroom home west of Boca Raton that’s been on the market for about six months. After two price reductions, the seller is now asking $309,000 and “may go even lower,” he writes.
“I’m getting all emotional about it because it’s so frustrating,” the homeowner said.
::: I feel you! :::

The story names the seller’s Real Estate agent, who said the company’s clients ” … don’t want to give their homes away …”

And you know — I totally get ALL of that. A seller’s gotta make some bank, y’all!!

But $309,000 seems a bit high for the times, no? Ahh, well it is Boca … still, the agent’s comments piqued my curiosity, so I went to their website, looked for homes priced around 300k employing that particular agent and there it was.

really pretty 3-2-2 with a barrel-tile roof, some lush-looking landscaping and a nice-sized kitchen.
::: this is where the HGTV ‘Designed To Sell’ UP arrow would come in :::

But the house was built in 1987, is 1,700 square feet and doesn’t appear to have had any major upgrades (granite? pool? oak?? …) in the two decades since it was built.
::: cue the ‘Designed To Sell’ DOWN arrow :::

Whattup?

– $309,000 – twice reduced.
– Area comps are anywhere from the upper 200s to the mid 400s.
::: Welcome to Boca … :::
– Palm Beach County officials valued the property at a proposed $255, 208 for 2008.
– The Zillow ‘Zestimate’ was a slightly more generous $277, 500.

Nothing seems too out of line – it’s not exactly screaming Code Red.

My mind keeps going back to the picture that ran with the story … it was of the seller standing in a kitchen — a kitchen FILLED with laminate cabinets and countertops …
$309,000 …

 … a laminate-laden kitchen in a proposed $309,000 home — bought for $132,000 in 1997 — according to the Palm Beach County Property Appraiser website’s property records search and Zillow.com.

Wait — 1997?!?
What part of the housing crisis that began five to six years ago is this seller who bought 10 years ago supposed to represent again???

Oh well, whatever — $309,000. For Boca laminate.
I guess that IS the crisis …

I’ll be the absolute first to pump a profit, but come on!
Kitchens and bathrooms sell — but not with outdated appointments.

I’m not picking on this property – or this story. I’m just pointing out what every other potential buyer can easily find and will gladly tell you.

Make the upgrades or be realistic. Sellers don’t have fall in line with or help justify the overpriced comps around them.

Perhaps part of the bailout plan should be a mandate for buyers, sellers and bankers to all get real about the ACTUAL worth of their shit.

When sellers get a goddamned grip and price accordingly we all win.
Otherwise bailout is gonna be just another word for boondoggle.

September 25, 2008 at 7:01 pm 4 comments

Post … toasted?


I don’t even know why anyone bothers reading the local rag anymore.

While converting oxygen to carbon dioxide this afternoon, I decided to check out the local newspaper’s online product and hooboy howdy let me tell you — what a colossal fucking waste of time THAT was!

Aside from being visually accosted by a ginormous Kim KardASSian jpeg occupying what would (on any other website) be the ‘lede’ slot, as well as being force-fed some hellish looking booking mugs (all begging ‘click me – click meeeee because we think meaningless clickage we don’t know how to monetize is TOTALLY where it’s at!!!’) I noticed one of the many all-important ‘we’re-on-top-of-things-bringing-you-the-latest-must-know-info!!!!’ “NEW” gifs on the homepage.

Hooray! New information!!

  • Did the FED make a rate cut?
  • Did my local city council pass a new resolution?
  • Are they working on fixing the voting glitches identifed countywide?
    WHO CARES! There’s bigger news out there:
    Martin County woman reports puppy stolen

  • … and with that I had to (once again) lift up
    The Palm Beach Post in prayer.

    Not only has the pub proven it doesn’t care about little things like being comprehensive, topical, easy to use or – god forbid — LOCAL …
    ::: Ask a Local … anyone? :::
    Not only has it shown it can’t compete locally …
    ::: Post Geography Lesson: Boca Raton is NOT in Palm Beach County :::
    The daily, lameass slapped together output underscores,
    highlights and puts in bold that it’s a product that doesn’t even know where to begin to try and compete.
    ::: and we had such high hopes … well, ok, we actually didn’t … :::

    One thing is clear – the powers that be have gone balls to the fucking wall in favor of the old ‘Pasta Method’ — just throwing any old horseshit online to see what might stick.

    The result?
    The site is Teflon.
    ::: good for cookware, bad for market share :::

    Was the same true of other rags?
    I shamefully admit I was curious! So I used the nifty tools at Compete.com to do a quick and down-n-dirty looky-loo.

    Comparing monthly visits at pbpost.com, sunsentinel.com and daytondailynews.com over the last year it’s grim-reapery apparent that the end is probably, more than likely, gonna have to be soon.

    See how Dayton’s at least snagging monthlies in the million range? Small by web standards, but respectable enough, I suppose, considering how extremely late in the game newspapers decided to join this wacky  Internet fad …

    But then you look at the sad little Post and Sentinel numbers — not even half a mil — not even a quarter of a mil! Yet even in the ‘Itty Bitty No-Hitty Committee’ category — the Sentinel smokes the Post month after month.
    ::: well, if nothing else – they’re consistent! :::

    Then I compared monthly unique visitors – *heavy sigh*

    See that blue flatline at the bottom? That’s the Post … kinda says it all, doesn’t it?

    Now, do you suppose that perhaps, just maybe in the teensiest of little ol’ ways that this ‘news’paper site’s inability to attract ‘news’ viewers could be because there’s barely any NEWS going on there?
    ::: and I’m not talking about the same stale shit you can get any everywhere else … :::

    Do advertisers want to be aligned with booking mugs? Well, maybe bail bondsmen — too bad none bought space …
    Does a retarded  ‘Dancing with the Stars’ recap in the lede news slot (as opposed to a more appropriately placed teaser) make web users want to go out and spend money locally? Dunno — I was expecting a tie-in ad, perhaps a dance studio slam spot. Instead I got nadda.

    Which is just what I’ve come to expect from my hometown disaster – nadda.
    And, looking at the numbers, I’m not alone.

    Note to the Post:
    Let us know when you figure out what you wanna be when you grow up – a newspaper or a gossip sheet.
    ::: I hope it’s a newspaper because PBC could actually use some meaningful local copy … oh, and we already have Dlisted, Mollygood, Jossip, Defamer, The Superficial and so many others for our daily dish – ‘kay snookums? :::

    You can lead a horse to water, but unless you can sell that bitch something while she’s there your CPM and ROI are gonna be MIA …
    … the Post must think that’s not really a BFD …

    September 23, 2008 at 9:28 pm 5 comments


    This is the shit you bitches are reading


    Creative Commons License
    Lifeisacookie is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 3.0 United States License.


    %d bloggers like this: