Posts tagged ‘Sun Sentinel’

THANK GOD the Sun Sentinel is there!


When serious news happens, I’m all THANK GOD the Sun Sentinel is there!

And what was it this Saturday, March 17, 2012?

Egypt’s Pope Shenouda III going all kinds of dead at age 88?
::: nah, those mourning masses meant twelve kinds of APPARENTLY NOT MUCH! :::
The 8 NCAA men’s basketball tournament games being played?
::: puhleeze – 80 gozillionthousand people screaming about busted brackets – BOOOORING! :::
Supremely sinister shit STILL going down in a bad, bad way over in Syria?
::: uhh, like no ‘n stuff?! it’s Syria, not SoFla! :::
St. Patrick’s Day observer’s out gettin’ their green on and going batshit bazoinkadork in shades of beryl and bice all over the gat damned place?
::: get real. like $4.55 BILLION in expected retail sales is interesting in this continued new great depression or anything! :::

Nope.
None of that pesky “actual news” even lives in the same hemisphere of being nearly as noteworthy as the in-depth exposé on what is indisputably THE most important issue ever to face the people of Earth, the United States, the East Coast, Florida, Broward County, Tamarac!

NEWSFLASH!
There are slow drivers out there — and they are frustrating!

And I’m all THANK GOD the Sun Sentinel is there to wade through the uncertainty and confusion of this MAJOR STORY!

Apathetic automobile operators have produced nothing short of all-around yawns an all-out affront to life as we know it!
The people have spoken and they are easily placated pissed — they are out there reacting when provoked to respond to this non-event by beat reporters with nothing better to do.

And, you know,  I’m all THANK GOD the Sun Sentinel was there to break it down in easily-digestible chunkletts!!!!

“Slow drivers are really a hazard,” said John Bowman, a spokesman for the National Motorist Association.

FEEL THE PANIC!

Joshua Rotenberg, of Fort Lauderdale, says he wonders why slowpokes aren’t “pulled over and slapped for being discourteous.”

SENSE THE OUTRAGE!!

“I get upset and wish them a slow death,” one reader said via Facebook.

FEAR THE VENGEANCE!!!

“It’s frustrating but it’s not worth ruining my day over,” said Darren Short, a delivery truck driver from Boynton Beach.

BRACE FOR THE CALAMI … wait. What?

“A lot of the time, it’s only a matter of a few seconds or minutes before the slow driver will turn off,” AAA’s Michele Harris explained.

Troopers agree! They say when encountering drivers committing the dastardly deed of deliberately dawdling during your day to just use your turn signal and change lanes.

Whew! Crisis averted!!

And I’m all THANK GOD the Sun Sentinel is thereor whatever …

March 19, 2012 at 6:16 pm 1 comment

Accuracy, accurasea, akyura … wait. What?


So, OJ Simpson was sentenced today for his role in a 2007 raid on a Las Vegas hotel room where two collectibles dealers were robbed of a bunch of sports memorabilia and blah blah we’re-so-shocked-he’s-goin’-to-the-slammer blah …

Too bad no one paid attention to the little details … like just how much time he’ll have to look for ‘the real killers’ in prison.

oj

Thanks journos who weren’t part of the historic massive employment bloodletting this year and are lucky to still collect a paycheck from a job you’ve clearly given up on already!!!!!! It’s good to know we can‘t count on you!

December 5, 2008 at 10:10 pm 28 comments

Wait. What?


sentinelwhat

Mah brain’s gettin’ a confusion contusion!
Glad I voted early!

… stay tuned …

November 4, 2008 at 6:23 pm

Hey Miami! You goin’ soft?


I bet it’s all party party party in Miami right about now.
I bet folks are elated on Euclid, marching down Meridian and shakin’ what their mamas gave ’em in a conga line of HAPPY all through Cutler Ridge.

Noooo – I’m not talking about the election or sports or hookers givin’ freebies down by the causeway.
::: err, offline topic — email me for that location …. :::

Nope — this is BIGGER!

The streets of Miami are paved with sunshiny rays of joyous gloriosity because …
… wait for it …

No one’s murdered anyone in 35 days … and counting!!!!

WOO HOO PAR-TAY!!! 

It’s a great record when people are not killing each other,” one cop said in what will go down in history as THE most ginormous understatement of the new milennium.

35 days and no one go bye-bye!?!
UnHEARD of!!!!

Oh, but it gets better!
Miami has had just a mere 55 homicides so far this year — 32 fewer killings than last year!
::: awesome :::

And Better!!
There was NO [repeat NO] murderin’ going on at all in the whole of the entire month of October!
::: awesomer ::: 

AND EVEN BETTER!!!
The last time an entire month passed with no one in greater Miami making anyone else in greater Miami any kind of dead was May … of 1966 !!!
::: AWESOMEST!! :::  

I know!! You kind of want to pinch yourself, right?!?!? Go ahead – I did!
::: I liked it too :::

So who’s up for a Liberty City picnic???

November 3, 2008 at 2:33 pm

Bailout boondoggle?


So I’m reading a story on the Sun-Sentinel website this morning about how the multi-gozillion dollar bailout won’t do diddly squat for the flagging South Florida housing market because the real fix won’t happen until foreclosures begin to fade away and the inventory of unsold homes begins to shrink.
::: mmmkay – makes sense … :::

”The Bush administration wants to buy the bad debts of banks, restoring public confidence in the financial markets. More mortgages would mean more home sales, and more sales ultimately would stabilize falling prices nationwide,” Paul Owers wrote.
::: Umm hmm, ok – I get that… :::

“The housing meltdown began in 2006 in part because too many people stretched to buy homes they couldn’t afford during the preceding five-year boom. From now on, analysts say, lenders will be more careful and home buyers will have to save for down payments,” Owers wrote.
::: gotcha, uh huh, still with ya … :::

Meanwhile, the housing slump is testing sellers, Owers continued, naming one in particular who has a three-bedroom home west of Boca Raton that’s been on the market for about six months. After two price reductions, the seller is now asking $309,000 and “may go even lower,” he writes.
“I’m getting all emotional about it because it’s so frustrating,” the homeowner said.
::: I feel you! :::

The story names the seller’s Real Estate agent, who said the company’s clients ” … don’t want to give their homes away …”

And you know — I totally get ALL of that. A seller’s gotta make some bank, y’all!!

But $309,000 seems a bit high for the times, no? Ahh, well it is Boca … still, the agent’s comments piqued my curiosity, so I went to their website, looked for homes priced around 300k employing that particular agent and there it was.

really pretty 3-2-2 with a barrel-tile roof, some lush-looking landscaping and a nice-sized kitchen.
::: this is where the HGTV ‘Designed To Sell’ UP arrow would come in :::

But the house was built in 1987, is 1,700 square feet and doesn’t appear to have had any major upgrades (granite? pool? oak?? …) in the two decades since it was built.
::: cue the ‘Designed To Sell’ DOWN arrow :::

Whattup?

– $309,000 – twice reduced.
– Area comps are anywhere from the upper 200s to the mid 400s.
::: Welcome to Boca … :::
– Palm Beach County officials valued the property at a proposed $255, 208 for 2008.
– The Zillow ‘Zestimate’ was a slightly more generous $277, 500.

Nothing seems too out of line – it’s not exactly screaming Code Red.

My mind keeps going back to the picture that ran with the story … it was of the seller standing in a kitchen — a kitchen FILLED with laminate cabinets and countertops …
$309,000 …

 … a laminate-laden kitchen in a proposed $309,000 home — bought for $132,000 in 1997 — according to the Palm Beach County Property Appraiser website’s property records search and Zillow.com.

Wait — 1997?!?
What part of the housing crisis that began five to six years ago is this seller who bought 10 years ago supposed to represent again???

Oh well, whatever — $309,000. For Boca laminate.
I guess that IS the crisis …

I’ll be the absolute first to pump a profit, but come on!
Kitchens and bathrooms sell — but not with outdated appointments.

I’m not picking on this property – or this story. I’m just pointing out what every other potential buyer can easily find and will gladly tell you.

Make the upgrades or be realistic. Sellers don’t have fall in line with or help justify the overpriced comps around them.

Perhaps part of the bailout plan should be a mandate for buyers, sellers and bankers to all get real about the ACTUAL worth of their shit.

When sellers get a goddamned grip and price accordingly we all win.
Otherwise bailout is gonna be just another word for boondoggle.

September 25, 2008 at 7:01 pm 4 comments

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