Posts tagged ‘study’

Prayz Jezuz


Oh Mississippi – you assbackward bumbled bunch of statehood, you … how you do amuse me.

PROfoUnDLY plodding through life last among all states when it comes to health care and tirelessly trolling the bottom waters of public education — that ‘We’re Number ONE!’ flag you fly as the fattest in our federation now has company!

WOO HOO!!!

A new study from the fine folks over at the Pew Research Center says you, Mississippi, are also Numero Uno among the God Squad of American states.

That’s right, homegirl — you’re tops in two! Whoddathunkit?!

Pew’s Forum on Religion & Public Life used polling data in four categories to rank states for the survey: the importance of religion in people’s lives; frequency of attendance at worship services; frequency of prayer; and absolute certainty of belief in God.

Mississippi — sanctimonious little slut that you are — stood out on all four measures.

SUPERACHIEVERY SPECIALICIOUSNESS!!!

Eighty-two percent of the ‘Sippians said religion is very important in their lives.
::: yeah, but so are hamhocks and backfat … :::

Sixty percent said they attend religious services at least once a week.
::: well, I ‘spect it’s easier than math homework … :::

Seventy percent said they prayed at least once every day.
::: after they go Wal-Mart’n, that is … :::

And a whopping, supreme among all states ninety-one percent of Magnolia Staters said they believe in God with absolute certainty … which no one can dispute is a fucking goddamn miracle considering how amazingly alarmingly little else they know with absolute certainty.

Oh yeah — ya ain’t done shit in this life, girl, but theyz rewahhdz a’comin’ in the afterlife!
HOOooooooodawgeez!

December 30, 2009 at 11:17 am 5 comments

United States of IOU?


California better reckonize!

That bitch has been out there behaving like a first-rate famewhore on the red carpet – totally hogging the ‘We Suck at Solvency’ spotlight! But she better step to the side because hers isn’t the only game in town anymore!

Oh ho no!

A new study by the Pew Center found that double-digit budget gaps, rising unemployment, high foreclosure rates and built-in budget constraints have brought Arizona, Florida, Illinois, Michigan, Nevada, New Jersey, Oregon, Rhode Island and Wisconsin to the precipice of joining Cali in the pageant of impovrished places pockmarking the American landscape.
::: Ten’s a crowd! :::

These states are fucked financially for basically one of three reasons:
1. They rely too heavily on one type of industry
::: diversity of DIE :::

2. They have a history of persistent budget shortfalls
::: finance FAIL :::

3. They face legal constraints that make it too hard to implement major changes, such as tax increases
::: judiciary JAM-UP :::

And it’s all a big ol’ bunch of SUCKS TO BE THEM until you realize that this mess is five slices of Serious Shit Pie  because these piss-poors combine to account for more than one-third of the entire, whole and complete nation’s population and economic output.

!! STICKY SITCH ALERT !!

“Decisions these states make as they try to navigate the recession will play a role in how quickly the entire nation recovers,” one of the Pew peeps professed.

NO PRESSURE GUYS … but, uhh, could you get with the A program, so all of America doesn’t have to keep suffering?!?

Pretty please with a big ol’ stimulus check on top?

SOURCE

November 13, 2009 at 11:11 am 4 comments

FEAR MAH BOO, BITCHES!!!


We were witness to the most tumultuous time of testosterone turmoil in the entire known history of the planet … and we didn’t even know it!!

See, there was this superserious scientifical researchification that was executed last election eve and the results are 30 kinds of IN!

You ready?
You sure?

Ok then … there now exists laboratory PROOF that my boyfriend is so powerful that he can deflate the collective nutsacks of Republitards everywhere with just his awesomeness alone (thus ensuring appropriate and effective evolution.
::: well, sort of 😉 :::

A study published online by the Public Library of Science (PLOS One) revealed that men who voted for John McCain in last year’s presidential election saw their testosterone levels plummet when they learned he had lost to Barack Obama.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!

But no.
This is science.
This is serious stuff here!

Saliva samples [collected using methods I’m not sure I really want to know about] from 163 men on election night showed that dudes who had Big Mac’s back and dudes backing O’Beautiful had similar testosterone levels when the polling stations closed, but the levels of the big T in McCain backers went down harder than Levi Johnston on Bristol Palin when my boyfriend was announced as the winner.
::: This is where I’d normally say ‘suckit losers!’ but, given the facts at hand that may have been just what was needed at the time … just sayin’ :::

Supporters of McCain or Libertarian Party candidate Bob Barr — who the study noted didn’t have a whore’s chance at heaven of getting elected — showed “significantly larger testosterone decreases” than Obama supporters from the time when polls closed to as long as 40 minutes after my boyfriend was declared the glorious new king of America … when they were all testin’ that T by chanting ‘Yes We Did!’ as they got their glittery, rainbow-infused, hopificated FREAK on!

Yeeeaaahhhh … that was a good night 😉

SOURCE

October 23, 2009 at 10:03 am 4 comments

Cookie Casualties!!!


Calm down – Not that kind of cookie …
::: I would never hurt you intentionally :::

But seriously – not to pick on the Brits or anything but what in holy hell is wrong with you fucking people?!?

A new study has revealed that the fat prats across the pond are just a big ol’ bunch of pansy-assed wah-wahs who can’t seem to handle their daily tea without a round of tears to go with it.

evil_cookResearch company Mindlab International was commissioned by the makers of Rocky Chocolate biscuits and discovered that more than half of all Britons have been injured by biscuits.

Biscuits.

For any non-European nimrods reading this rubbish who don’t know — biscuit = cookie.

Don’t laugh!
::: ok, maybe just a little :::

This is like a national epidemic or some shit!

An estimated 25 MILLION apparently braindead Britons have been injured as they ate during a tea or coffee break (25 MILLION) and at least 500 of the crybaby poo-pooheads had to carry their crumpets to the local care ward for futher ridicule treatment.

gingerdeadmanThe list of injuries from the ingestibles includes:
1. People being fucking stupid poking themselves in the eye

2. People being fucking stupid falling of their chair while reaching for a bisuit

3. People being fucking stupid scalding their fingers reaching for crumbs floating in a hot cuppa something

4. People being fucking stupid getting bitten by a pet or “other wild animal” trying to get their biscuit

5. People being fucking stupid breaking teeth on too-hard biscuits

6. People being fucking stupid choking on crumbs

But none one of those owees can shake a stick at the most superachievery biscuit blunder of all time!!
The asshat who gave the middle finger to fate, went full retard and ended up stuck in wet concrete after wading in to pick up a stray cookie.
::: way to go dumbass, Foxworthy’s got your sign … :::

Researchifiers even sketched out a sort of ‘Most Wanted’ list of the most dangerous edible offenders out scarycookiesthere. The list, appropriately called The Biscuit Injury Threat Evaluation, or B.I.T.E. – ranks the dastardly Custard Creme the all-time No. 1 most badass bisuit in the bunch – The Supreme Cookie Casualty Causer!
So … just so you know – stay away from that bitch!

Mike Driver, Marketing Director for Rocky said: “We commissioned this study after learning how many biscuit related injuries are treated by doctors each year. orking with biscuits every day, we’d long suspected they’re not as innocent as they look, and we were right.”

And thank GOD – right?!?
Just think of all of the cookie catastrophes that could have been!

Whew

SOURCE

September 10, 2009 at 10:31 am 3 comments

Question for the ‘rents …


Is little Peggy a pre-school porker?
Is your darling boy Doug the resident daycare dimplebutt?
And what about cutsie Clarisse? Is she bringin’ the chunk to class each day?

Yeah?
Think it’s because you’ve had them on the Cocoa Puff and Twinkie diet since you weaned the little bitches off the bottle?
Yeah?

Well not so fast there, breeders!

Young Stan’s spare tire may be due more to the fact that he’s just stupid than to his yen for Yodels.

fatwaderIt’s true! And there’s a bunch of scientifical researchification that says so!!

See, there’s this stuff out there called ‘data’ that points to other stuff called ‘corrollaries’ between Chucky’s poor cognition shitty thinking abilities and his fat four-year-old fanny.

The latest comes from the big brains at the Center for Research in Environmental Epidemiology in Barcelona, who got all probey and found that preschool kids with above-average language, number, and puzzle solving skills were less likely to be overweight two years later when they were old enough to enter school.

Their findings – published in the American Journal of Epidemiology – show that smarter four-year-olds were less likely to be large six-year-olds and that six-year-olds with a surplus of skin had lower general limbthinking and verbal skills were dumber, on average, when they were four anyway.
::: heavy thigh :::

What happens after six wasn’t specifically addressed but my guess is it looks something like
<——— 😉

SOURCE

August 14, 2009 at 1:17 pm 1 comment

Saké to me!


The data from one of THE most groundbreakingly crucial studies ever conducted in the history of all of mankind is in — and it legitimates my entire existence!
::: as opposed to the evil studies contradicting this information that I choose to blithely ignore 🙂 :::

“A Japanese examination of the effects of social support on the relationship between drinking and cardiovascular disease has found that the health benefits of light-to-moderate drinking are more pronounced in men with greater social support.”

For you UNscientifical type personages out there, that means that drinking = good but drinking + buddies = VERY good!
::: Another round for my friends, barkeep! :::

The study examined 19,356 men between the ages of 40 and 69 and divvied their alcohol consumption  into seven categories: never, past, occasional, 1-149, 150-299, 300-449, and  Cookie’s Category: the hella sloshy  ≥450 grams/week.
::: they saved the best for last … :::

The results revealed that moderate social drinking has some pretty poz health bennies!
::: I’ll drink to that! :::

“Heavy drinking is associated with a greater risk of stroke.”
::: Totally why I don’t do keggers! Stroke schmoke! You could get a hernia lifting that shit! :::

“Light-to-moderate drinking has been linked to lessening the risk of stroke and coronary heart disease and new studies show that more social support is linked to less risk of mortality and cardiovascular disease.”

Huh?

“Drinking with a good friend appropriately makes you feel happy and healthy,” said Takeshi Tanigawa, a professor in the department of public health at Ehime University Graduate School of Medicine.

Oh!
OK!!

“So drink with good friends for health.”

If you say so!
After all, who am I to argue with science?!?

March 24, 2009 at 3:58 pm 10 comments

Straight. Up. TRIPPIN’!


GIVE THANKS BREADLINERS!

You may have lost your job, house, savings, mind, self-esteem and overall reason to live in this New Great Depression, but a smallish ray of sort of goodness has pierced the barren landscape of your crappy life!

Your kids aren’t sniffing as much of the shit you keep in the cabinet under the sink!
::: See? It’s not ALL bad! :::

Some pencil pushers at the Office of National Drug Control Policy researchified what little Johnny and his friends do when you’re not looking and GOOD NEWS!
Fewer teens are sniffing glue, lighter fluid, spray paint, shoe polish and other easy-to-find substances“.
::: One less thing, right?!? :::

About a million kids aged 12 to 17 used some kind of inhalant in 2007.
Only a mil? That’s GREAT! It’s only 3.9 percent of the adolescents who could have been rifling through your Raid collection!

And if you compare that totally marvy 3.9 to the monstrously gargantuan four point four percent doing sniffy snax in 2006 – well, it’s just nineteen kinds of semi-conclusive that we could be on the cusp of potentially maybe winning the war on drugs Krylon and Kingsford!!!
::: I’ll drink to that! :::

Some folks attribute the slumping huffy puffies to “ongoing efforts to educate teens about the dangers of inhalant use and encourage parents to discuss the issue with their children” – which sounds good when you’re trying to secure ongoing funding and all, but – if we’re being honest?
They’ve just moved on.
::: bummer, dude :::

According to the study, the oh-so readily-available inhalants you bring home from Target and keep within arm’s reach came in a dismal third (17.2%) as the go-to get-high move for kids dipping a toe in the warm waters of altered consciousness for the first time.

On the other hand, the Viagra, blood pressure and other prescription meds mommy and daddy don’t lock up had a more respectable second-place showing (23.5%).

But the perennial favorite, the Cadillac of herbal remedies, the crap your kids will reach for first whenever it’s time to get the party started was, is and forever will be (56.3%) — the stash of marijuana you didn’t think they knew you kept in the back corner of your sock drawer.

… So that’s where it went! Goddamned Little Lebowski Urban Achievers …

March 17, 2009 at 12:07 pm 1 comment

Older Posts


This is the shit you bitches are reading


Creative Commons License
Lifeisacookie is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 3.0 United States License.


%d bloggers like this: