Posts tagged ‘stilly’

Big Brother IS watching!

Good news, breadliners!

Your government cares about you!

Well, ok. Maybe not you, Mr. L.A. Dude who offed your whole family govmybadlast year over your mounting financial mess.
Or you, Mr. Ohio Guy who was so worried about money that X-ing out the fam was, apparently, the only option.
And, ok, not you, Mr. Pennsylvania Businessman who’s fiscal failures led to things gettin’ all shooty with the missus.
And, well uh, if we’re being honest —  you either, Mr. San Fran Skin-Care Clinic owner who mistook your lagging sales as a sign it was time to liquidate your loved ones …  

… but for the rest of you sad sacks out there not yet driven to do in those dearest to you – your government wants you to know it cares about you!

It does!
They even set up a super special website to prove it!!

govheroGetting Through Tough Economic Times” — an inadequately-titled guide intended to provide “practical advice on how to deal with the effects financial difficulties can have on your physical and mental health” — launched in the wee hours overnight.
::: … guess no one liked the more aptly-titled ‘How To Deal When Your World’s Gone To Shit’ … :::

On this little corner of the interwebs, the feds will educate your impovrished ass about depression, suicidal thinking and other mental illnesses.
::: Because who knows better about depression and suicidal thinking than government workers, right? :::

govnokillIt lays out the warning flags for: Persistent sadness/crying; Excessive anxiety; Lack of sleep/constant fatigue; Excessive irritability/anger. 
::: Oh. Those aren’t just regular conditions of life now? :::

So, if you’re unsure whether your spouse has slaughter in his/her heart?
If you’re worried that crushing debt is making the one you hold dear consider dumping your dead body in a ditch??
If you’re concerned that paying the bills has poisoned your partner against you???

Don’t take matters into your own ignorant hands!
Consult Uncle Sam – your hard times BFF!


March 31, 2009 at 1:23 pm 1 comment

Cue Apple tankage in 3 … 2 …

Apple Inc.’s CEO Steve Jobs says he is taking a medical leave of absence  until the end of June.
::: Stay calm. I am sure there is no need to panic … :::

Jobs told employees in an e-mail that his health issues are more complex than he thought.
::: hmm … ok maybe that sounds a little like reason to get kinda panicky … :::

Last week, Jobs announced he had a hormone deficiency that had caused him to lose a crapload of weight. The rest of the world took it for granted he was lying to protect price per share and theoried the cancer he had years ago was back … with an agenda!
::: uh, gotta admit I’m starting to panic a teensy bit here … :::

Rumors of a cancerous comeback have been flying ever since he made a skeletal appearance at the launch of the iPhone 3G last summer and Apple’s stonewalling about the ‘health issue’ has been the  perfect accelerant for this giant pile of gossipy tinder.

The scuttlebutters went into an all-out frenzy in December, when the company announced at just about the last possible nansecond that it was pulling out of Macworld and, oh yeah, Jobs wasn’t speaking.
::: Macworld – Apple = RED FLAG ALERT!!!:::

But no, I’m sure it’s all ok. No need to panic. So the company’s stock takes a nosedive whenever he gets a sniffle [panic] because he is the de facto face of the company  [panic] and the entire planet basically credits him with every drop of success Apple and all of its products have ever had  [panic] and the company has zero confirmed plans of succession in the works or on the books or in draft status in some file on some iBook somewhere or something … [panic] so what, right?

I’m sure there’s absoutely nothing to worry about … nothing … at all … well, maybe just a little …
::: Sell Mortimer Seeeeellllllllllllll!!!!! :::

January 14, 2009 at 10:31 pm 8 comments

This is the shit you bitches are reading

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