Posts tagged ‘social security’

BAD Penny!


What is this?
Oneupsmanship Week?

First we witness master moron Renee Vanalsburg stright up clobber reigning douchebagette Genine Compton in our sacredly senseless Dumb Bitch category and now we find that some callous cow named Penelope Jordan is giving Robert M. Rozenti — the de facto Awful Offspring poster child — a serious run for his money!

<— Rozenti, you may remember, is the gross muddascunt who was arrested in January and charged with neglecting his 90-year-old mother, who was found emaciated, left in urine-soaked clothes and wearing shoes that had grown into her feet!!!

Jordan, on the other hand, is the putrid progeny who was discovered this week to have kept her mother’s mummified remains in their home for so long that the woman’s skin fused to the fucking mattress!!!!!!
::: yes, deserving of six exclamation points :::

The unholy bitch told police she never reported mummy’s death because she “couldn’t afford burial expenses” … and that shit might have even been the teensiest bit believable if she hadn’t also been cashing the not-so-dearly departed’s Social Security checks for years and years and years.

A complaint about nuisance cats tipped off authorities that something wasn’t right at the Jordan ‘stead. An animal control officer removing possibly feral felines there called police after finding the front door open with no one home.

But Penelope the prevaricator was there when the cops arrived and gave them some cock-and-bull canard about her mother’s whereabouts before extending the outrageously inane invitation to ‘come inside’.

They did.

And after wading through wall-to-wall debris, investigators found poor old and definitely dead 96-year-old Timmie Jordan — still in her nightgown — her skin fused to the mattress.

Penelope is charged with fraud and grand theft and is being held in lieu of $20,000 bail Tuesday at the Indian River County Jail.

You know, if there is any justice in the world, ya gotta hope ol’ Penny finds herself sharing a cell with some truly savage soul who has a predilection for pervy whores and likes long shanks in the shower.

Ya gotta, right?
Well, I do …

March 25, 2009 at 4:36 pm 2 comments

Rank … and File 13


Dear Earth,

I know it’s been a while since my last letter and I hate to be the bearer of even more bad news for you because I know you’ve been under your weather for a really long time, buuuut – remember how I told you the folks at the Pew Research Center were doing a survey to figure out what people think President O’Beautiful’s priorities should be?

Well, they’re done and … gosh, I, I just don’t know how to say this other than just to come right out with it …

About those priorities?
You’re not one.

I mean, your movie was off the chain and all – and you know how hot Al Goregous makes me (kind of like the way burning fossil fuels and deforestation make you feel) – but the bottom line is that we’re all just beginning the long journey out of the darkness of this New Great Depression and, well, you don’t put food on the tab … oh wait – ok, you sort of  do … ummm, uhh, what I meant to say is that you don’t pay the bills.
Yeah, that’s what I’m trying to say.

You don’t pay the bills, and so we have to make fixing the economy Priority Numero Uno right now.

Now, I know we made a big deal about you there for a while and, gosh, I sure hope you don’t take this too hard … it’s just that there’s just so much to fix!!

What with the economic situation, the health care situation, the education situation, the social security situation, the crime situa … well, just all the other situations we’ve been so so busy not fixing for the last eight years.

But you are important to me!!
You are!

Increased heating bills, higher cooling bills, rising insurance bills, ever-expanding grocery bills … I know you’re a part of making all of those bills higher … if only you could help pay for them …
… but you can’t and so folks were all ‘Global Warming Schmobal Schmorming, Earth Schmerth! – I need to get straight up PAID, bitch!’ when it was time to prioritize.

Soooo … you know, like, I’m sorry and all and I really do hope you feel better soon.
Maybe next year … right?!?

Yeah … ok … well, umm, see you at the rally in April

XOXO,
Cookie

SOURCE

January 23, 2009 at 3:54 pm 10 comments


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