Posts tagged ‘skinny’

Yes, I DO want extra fries with that miracle


Well pass the peanut butter and toss me a Twinkie — there’s hope for my hips on the horizon!

“Scientists hunting for a fat-burning drug have a new candidate that may help keep extra weight off, even on a high-fat diet.”
::: cornbread + bacon = fatty go bye bye?!? Get OUT!!! :::

miracleOh sweet light of heaven above – I’ve waited my whole life for this moment — to be rewarded for my complete committment and utter devotion to sloth and gluttony!

Don’t laugh! This is serious! It’s a lifestyle not everyone can handle. You have to want it bad and answer tough questions every day!
Is there such a thing as too much butter?
Why can’t I fry everything in pork fat and cheese?
Is meat dipped in chocolate really a bad thing?

And now I know the answer:
WHO CARES!!
:::: fat pill, oh fat pill – I pledge my love to thee … :::

highfatmouseUnfortunately, it’ll be a while before I can suck down sausage gravy with wild abandon. The drug’s only in the ‘experimental’ phase.
::: Let me be a tester!! I have LOTS of experience with ‘chemical’ experimentation!!!! :::

It’s called SRT1720 and has only been tested on mice, but when Mickey and Minnie were given a high dose of SRT1720 every day for three months, they didn’t gain weight on a high-fat diet.
::: so. Damned. EXCITED!!! Ahhhh!!!!! :::

What’s more, it boosted their metabolism, increased endurance and strength AND didn’t make the mice go mental of eff with regular digestion.
::: giveittomenow!!! GIVEITTOMENOW!!!  GIVEITTOMENOW!!!!! :::

Everybody’s soon-to-be new bff is being developed by wonderful people I want to shower with love, doughnuts and chocolate milk who work for Sirtris Pharmaceuticals, a GlaxoSmithKline company.

Along with my bellybutton, I think I just found my next stock purchase …

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November 6, 2008 at 3:37 pm 2 comments

Masticatory Misrepresentation?


Hey there fatty, wanna drop some tonnage?
Feel like trading in those itty bitties for some bigger, firmer breastesses?
Care to put the kibosh on those grody granny hot flashes?

OF COURSE YOU DO!
WHO WOULDN’T?!?

And do you want to achieve all of the above with absolutely no commitment or effort whatsoever??

OF COURSE YOU DO!
WHO WOULDN’T?!?

GOOD – because the shady charlatans at Zoft and their fabulous line of wonder gums can, for about $32 a pop, help you chew your way to full-on fabulosity!

Chomp your way to chestiness!

Smack your stress away!

Wear out your jaws for wondrous weight loss!

Munch away your menopausal misery with minty-freshness!

Heck – you can even grab a pack to perk up the peen!

But don’t take my word for it
::: I’m serious — do not take my word for it :::

Check out these completely fabricated and unverifiable testimonials …

 “I’ve been taking this product for over a month now and have lost 7 pounds. I couldn’t be more pleased! I also have much more level of energy..I guess it’s mainly because I’m lighter. I feel great!”
Well thumbs up to YOU, Sandra, 37, from Nevada – sloth and stupidity finally pay off!!!

“It effected nearly since day 1, After 3 weeks I’m using it – the results are great, highly recommend”.
Dan, 23, Los Angles
WOW – Thanks Dan from, err, Los Angles??? for that wonderfully ambiguous and moderately illiterate recommendation!

“Loved this product, will definitely order more, I feel much better. At the beginning I was skeptic, but it caused an improvement. Also shipping was super fast! Thanks a lot!”
Karyn, 25, Florida
Awesome Karyn!! I mean, I have no fucking clue what you’re talking about – but kudos on that phenominally super-fast delivery — you just don’t SEE that every day!!!

Anyone sampled the Double Bubble Butt yet?

August 20, 2008 at 1:06 pm 1 comment

There’s no hope for the rest of us


Kate Beckinsale doesn't like her bodyAll hope was lost the moment Kate Beckinsale demanded a body double for her latest film. Apparently, she “loathes” her bottom.

Umm, yeah – that’s Kate in all her horrifically gigantic, lard-assness right there —————>

Disgusting, I know.

A  source on her new film Whiteout said: “Kate has a terrible self-image. She thinks she is fat and she is always complaining how certain outfits make her bottom look big. Of course, the reality is that she has the most amazing body.”

Tragically — she isn’t soliciting comments with those remarks. She’s actually seriously effed in the head.

How terrifically sad is it when an Oxford-educated, outrageously gorgeous, successful mother/wife/actress who reportedly suffered anorexia as a teenager is still battling retarded self-image demons?

If you’re the parent of a daughter … hug her today and make sure she knows she is the apple of your eye and perfect just the way she is (well, that  and make sure she stays far, far away from R. Kelly).

June 16, 2008 at 7:22 pm 3 comments

Man-orexia!?!


What in the bloody hell is going on with Colin Farrell?!? I
Either he’s snorting too much pixie dust or he landed a role in some new Holocaust movie where he had to drop, like, 90% of his body weight …
I gotta think the smart money’s on the dust  …

Colin Farrell looks like hell

Photo: The Sun

May 14, 2008 at 8:36 pm 4 comments


This is the shit you bitches are reading


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