Posts tagged ‘sexy’

Best Actress – EVER!


Take a hike Katharine Hepburn!
Elizabeth Taylor and Bette Davis? BORING!!
And forget you Jane Fonda and Jodie Foster!!!

Step aside ladies – and take note all of you little gold statue awarders – because there exists an actress of such singular accomplishment that no other can possibly even be considered for the ultimate acting accolade this Sunday.

OH YES THERE IS!

And she recently delivered a performance so riveting, so compelling, so crazy wicked amazing that it puts to SHAME every other winner of every other Oscar in the 83-year history of the presentation of the prize!

TO SHAME, I SAY!!!

Meet Patricia Hastie. ——->
Patricia recently played Elizabeth King in movie ‘The Descendants’.
Elizabeth King is married to Matt King.
Matt King is played by George Clooney.

Now, I’m not going to go all ‘spoiler’ on you or anything in case you, like Elizabeth King, have been in a coma or somesuch and are walkin’ around all oblivious to shit — but let’s nutshell this bitch and suffice it to say it turns out Lizzy’s just a big ol’ ho-bag who’s been having secret sexy times with someone who’s initials are NOT HER HUSBAND MATT and poor Matt was none the wiser until Lizzy bumped her big ol’ ho-bag head in a jet-ski race and basically cut the legs out from under her entire family’s not-so-normal life.

But playing a comatose ho-bag is not what makes Patricia worthy of serious Best Actress EVER snaps.

Playing a comatose ho-bag who lies motionless, expressionless … COMATOSE … NOT EFFING RECIPROCATING … while George Clooney plants his pucker all up on her comastose ho-bag lips is what make her the BEST ACTRESS EVER!

It does not get more METHOD, people!

She had to dig REALLY deep – give the hand, the side-eye and a very Sahar-worthy lip curl to her very own emotional core to pull that off!

She had to travel to that place where basic human instinct takes over and naturally COMMANDS you to open wide and make sweet, sweet love to George’s tonsils with your tongue for no less than 90 consecutive seconds!

Patricia Hastie scaled the heights of acting theory, came back and delivered nothing short of acting MAGIC!!

She is a MASTER THESPIAN!!!

She is the BEST ACTRESS EVER!!!!

Oh hell, who am I kidding.

That scene alone makes that her the Best Actress OF ALL TIME EVER IN THE HISTORY OF THE KNOW UNIVERSE AND ALL GALAXIES EVER CREATED …

EVER!!!!

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February 24, 2012 at 8:24 pm 2 comments

GEEZUS!


geezusHoly shit!
That’s one manly Messiah!

What seductively suggestive soul — sure to soon be locked in a forever dance of doom with the devil — designed this provocative piece of plastic?!?

I bet it was a nun.

Oh you KNOW it was a nun!
Those bitches prolly have boners on the brain 24-7! 

And who could blame them?? They are married to the man, right?

Go for it, girls!

Hell, this bad boy beats my dashboard Redeemer any day! I’m totally looking for this shit on eBay and putting in a bid!

Just be warned if you decide to get one for yourselves, kiddies …
I hear you can go blind just from touching it …

March 30, 2009 at 2:18 pm 5 comments

What do you get …


mojitomuseum1

When you cross a few 42-ounce Mojitos with some quality museum time?

One hella great weekend stimulatin’ the ‘economy’  in Miami, bitches!

What did you do?

March 16, 2009 at 10:23 am 7 comments

He needs me!


Omigod Omigod OMIGOD!!!

obama2meI just received a personal, just for me, extra-special email communiqué from my boyfriend!!!!
::: I knew he’d get back in touch once the TPO expired! SUCKIT OFFICER BLAYLOCK!! :::

It seems O’Beautiful has some very important news to tell me about the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act and OMIGODIJUSTCANNOTBELIEVEIT — he needs my help!

“I hope to sign the recovery plan into law in the next few weeks. But I need your help to spread the word and build support.”
::: Oh yes!! Press me, hot stuff — press me HARD into service! :::

“The stakes are too high to allow partisan politics to get in the way.”
::: … let nothing come between us! :::

oloveletterstatic“That’s why I’ve consulted with Republicans as well as Democrats to put together a plan that will address the crisis we face.”
::: Democrats + Republicans + me?? … All working in harmony toward some sweet sweet economic satisfaction??? If that doesn’t = the ultimate menage à trois of splendiferious transcendence I don’t know what does!!! :::

“You can help restore confidence in our economy by making sure your friends, family, and neighbors understand how the recovery plan will impact your community.”
::: … he wants to get my family and friends involved??? OMG — he soooo wants to take this relationship to the next level!!! :::

“Our ability to come together as a nation in difficult times has never been more important.”
::: … oh let’s do that … let’s come together yeeeesssssssss … :::

“I know I can rely on your spirit and resolve as we lead our country to recovery.”
::: YES!!! Yes you can! :::

Oh  … whoooo!
Umm … uh … brb …

February 2, 2009 at 6:28 pm 1 comment

Next year is 69 baby!!


This —->>
was how I always imagined it would look if I had ever been lucky enough to not get caught spying on one of my two original Mr. Hotnesses while they, umm, ya know –  Got R Done.

Well, at least the sluterifically fertile ground of my X-rated imagination always fantasized it would look pretty much just like this … ‘cept no clothes, of course.
::: Anyone who can correctly guess my other original Mr. Hotness wins an item from the way cool LIAC store on CafePress.com :::

Happy 68th Birthday to the leading man of my dreamiest of dreamy junior high school dreams – Neil ‘Shilo … oh … Oh … OH!’ Diamond!!!

… call me! …

Photo is Hot August Night album cover

January 24, 2009 at 7:46 pm 10 comments

Let’s talk about sex, baybee!


The Palm Beach Post has ideas, y’all!

postspelApparently not satisfied that mangling headlines and shoving the really annoying shit other pubs call ‘news’ to the bottom of the page screams “We’re goin’ DOWN, bitches!!!quiiiiite loud enough … the Post has decided to add ‘sex colunmist’ the list of positions they’ll be cutting in the next round of  layoffs.
::: Always think ahead!! :::

reporterAt least that’s the rumor I heard last night from someone who works for a competitor who’s name I won’t mention but who’s initials are The South Florida Sun Sentinel.

If this nugget is true, then the Post’s intrepid health reporter has been  bangin’ on doors all over the place looking for the next Dr. Ruth or Dr. Drew or — I can only hope — Dan Savage.

Unfortunately, it’s the Post, so I think I can go out on a limb here and predict with about a gozillion percent accuracy that we can count out the raunchy hee hees someone like Savage would bring.
::: sad face :::

Nope, it’s the Post.
Home of the Charticle.
Land of the Bland.


We’ll get two and a half months of some watered-down Courting Disaster ripoff with a creepy Aunt Marge avatar cautioning the Q-Tips not to ‘get frisky’ with their dentures in before the deafening laughter and endless fingerpointing force the powers that be to add this idea to their growing pile of ‘can’t sell’.
::: bow chicka, umm, yeah – not so much … :::

December 12, 2008 at 6:28 pm 26 comments

It’s good to be Eliot Spitzer


Former New York Governor and Hall of Fame Whoremonger Eliot Spitzer will not face criminal charges for gettin’ his freak on with Ashley Depraved and some other high-priced hookers, federal prosecutors announced this week.
::: Everybody to the champagne room – STAT! ::: 

Michael J. Garcia, the United States attorney in Manhattan, confirmed that, although his office had found that “on multiple occasions, Mr. Spitzer arranged for women to travel from one state to another state to engage in prostitution” they couldn’t prove it was taxpayer money or campaign cash payin’ for that poontang.
::: See, it’s not that prostitution is illegal, per se — it’s the way you PAY for it that’s the crimey part. Good to know!! ::: 

“We have determined that there is insufficient evidence to bring charges against Mr. Spitzer. In light of the policy of the Department of Justice with respect to prostitution offenses and the longstanding practice of this office, as well as Mr. Spitzer’s acceptance of responsibility for his conduct, we have concluded that the public interest would not be further advanced by filing criminal charges in this matter.”
::: So does that mean all Johns who get bizzay on their own bucks get to go free too — as long as they get all boo hoo and are really, really sorry?  :::

Moments after Little Spitz was released from legal lockdown, Big Spitz thanked officials for their “impartiality and thoroughness” and reminded us all that he’s still really, really sorry for his horndoggery.

“I resigned my position as governor because I recognized that conduct was unworthy of an elected official. I once again apologize for my actions and for the pain and disappointment those actions caused my family and the many people who supported me during my career in public life.”

Anyone wanna do an over/under on when the sex tape comes out?

November 7, 2008 at 3:16 pm 2 comments

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