Posts tagged ‘sex’

Well SOMEONE didn’t get the memo!!


I mean, really, this is basic ‘Ho Code 101’ shit, people.

The bottom-line, the guiding principle, THE golden fucking RULE when you’re bumpin’ fuglies with prominent, married public figures (or, ok, well, anyone who’s initials are NOT YOUR SPOUSE) is to take a chill on workin’ your grill.

It’s that simple.

No need for discussion!

It is immorality’s universally accepted imperative, for chrissakes!!

Yet, every few fornications there comes along some slut who just can’t keep it shut.

From Dynasty cast member wannabe Gennifer Flowers to dimestore hooker doppelganger Jaimee Grubbs to the demented and diapered Lisa Nowak — there’s always some skank who slips up and spoils the secret sexy times by spilling something she shouldn’t have.

Thanks a lot, Paula Broadwell!

Because of you tryin’ to go and blackmail a bitch over email and everything, poor David Petraeus now must foray back into the field of contraband coochie to find some stupid new streetwalker to screw.

Nice.

But the real tragedy here is far worse than whatever future befalls dear David … or you … .

The real tragedy here is bigger, Paula … because it affects me.

Yes, Paula … the catastrophic consequences of your exasperatingly irritating email tirades mean that I now must go buy an ax, find a frickin’ forest, cut down a tree, chop that shit up, build a frickin’ fire, heat up a poker and GOUGE MY FUCKING EYES OUT
in an attempt to rid myself of the mental image of David’s sad old doggy dick doin’ The Cabbage Patch in yet another whore’s hoo-ha!

I live in fucking FLORIDA, Paula!
Do you have any idea how far I have to drive before I wind up in the woods?!?

Fucking FAR, Paula!!

Fucking.
FAR.

ACK!!!

It didn’t have to end like this, Paula.

Or maybe it did.

Because there’s always one hot ho mess out there like you, isn’t there Paula?

Oh yeah there is.

Take it to the bank, gents! 😉

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November 12, 2012 at 11:05 pm 4 comments

Ad … Nauseum?


No, this is not me making a mad dash for my secret hiding place when the po po unexpected company has arrived.
::: I mean really. The couch? OBVIOUS! :::

This is not me looking for that ‘little extra’ I sometimes need but have to hide strategically protectionize locationally.
::: Like I’d leave it where your chirrenz could steal it?!? Never! :::

This is not me putting a fresh coat of tummy gargle on the living-room Pergo.
::: Well, actually it could be. But it’s not. THIS time. :::

This is an advertisement.

A wide shot of some bitch’s admittedly hot ass is the cerebral creation I have to believe a bunch of dumb Madison Avenue morons conveived at the conclusion of a long afternoon spent high on Hawaiian salt, trying to relive those long-long gone high school glory days when all it took was a not-exactly-creative ‘nice ass’ and a driver’s licenes to get you nine-kinds of in the door.

‘Cept the ad isn’t edgy or creative or even fun.
It’s pathetic.

Because it’s too easy.

I mean, who doesn’t know that the seat of all power, the center of known universe, the source of all natural wealth, health and happiness – as well as everything in reverse to the extreme times a gozillion – is and forever will be the Great Garden of Lady Goodness that makes the world go ’round?!?

Frealz.
We run this shit.

Which means this had to be the brainchildfart of actual grown-up type-human most-likely-male-type chromosome-carriers.
Old-type ones.

Because that kind of generic ‘nice ass’ coming from a bunch of 50-60-ish adver-guys in ties gawking at the Hooter’s waitstaff while trying to evolve an idea has the same pathetic ring as ‘I live with my mom’ from a 30-ish trick trying to pick me you up at Applebee’s.

Just sayin’.
Can’t you do better?!

Guess not.

Because the Maddy’s testosterone mind meld apparently had them feeling enough ‘Captain’s of Concept’ that they were able to convince their poor schmuck of a client to buy the back covers of aawlll the supermarket ‘oids to showcase their duhhhh moment for all the world to witness.

Because I guess they don’t realize that this is a SHEconomy where 85% of all brand purchases are made by … WOMEN!
In case you didn’t know, this includes homes, cars, health care, food and medicines.
Hmmmmm, is this ass ad trying to sell us one of those???

Because I guess they also don’t realize that 91% of the value validating vajayjays out there feel advertisers *SHOCK* don’t understand them.

Because they really think the chuff is gonna help sell …


October 16, 2011 at 7:46 pm 1 comment

Dumbass of the Day


A Florida man – separated from the missus for a measely four days – couldn’t handle not gettin’ handled and decided the most prudent way to procure the poontang was to go full-retard and TAKE IT, BITCHES!

The 24-year-old was *SHOCK* drunk when he went to the house where his bride was residing, removed an air-conditioning unit, climbed through the window and proceeded to TAKE IT, BITCHES!

‘Cept the little woman brought the ‘Hell Naw!’ to that action and called the cops on his alked-up ass.

When police arrived, Drunky McStupid walked away from them, refused to provide identification and was *SHOCK* put in handcuffs.

After being cuffed, he told the officer that he “has not gotten any in three weeks and he was going to get some.”

He was taken to jail – where is he will *SHOCK* surely ‘get some’. 😉

SOURCE

April 28, 2010 at 11:50 am 1 comment

The Holy Braille


Lisa Murphy is a sweet, sweet slice of the rare comingling of awesomeness and ingenuity rarely seen these days.

She’s a visionary – one of those bold thinkers who dare to do what others won’t: Bring boobies and booty to the blind.

HERO!

Murphy has launched a porn mag for the vision-impaired called Tactile Minds which contains tingle-inducing text alongside raised images of nekkidness – all of which you can enjoy for around $230 US!
::: digs for checkbook :::

She said that she made the book after realising that the ‘blind have been left out in a culture saturated with sexual images’.

“We’re breaking new ground,” she explained. “Playboy has an edition with Braille wording, but there are no pictures.”

Murphy’s masterpiece contains 17 provacative pics, including:
A naked woman in a ‘disco pose’
::: Donna Summer? :::
A woman with ‘perfect breasts’
::: Wait. I don’t remember posing for that … :::
A ‘male love robot’
::: Like the one in my undie drawer? 😉 :::

WHEEEEE – YAY!
I love this idea! Braille imagery for everyone!!

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April 14, 2010 at 10:26 am 3 comments

WWJD?


He’d creep up into your crib, drop his drawers and insist on sex with your spouse and spawn, of course!

Just ask Jesus 65-year-old Jean Timms of Gun Town (yep, you read that right), Mississippi, who let himself into an abode in Franklin, Alabama and told the startled homeowner that he was the savior himself and was there to have sex with the man’s wife and daughter.

MESSIANIC MONKEY BUSINESS!!!

After a couple of minutes passed with no water turning to wine, harps and cherubs appearing or diseases being miraculously cured, the Lamb lunatic of God got all ‘ok, haha, ya got me … I’m really Elvis Presley’ … then he dropped his pants.

A-wop-bop-a-loom-a-boom-bam-boom
TUTTI FRUTTI

Cue the 911 call and here come the boys in blue, who found Jes … Elv … WHACKJOB just outside the house with his pants still pulled down.

Upon his arrest, Timms pulled a true switcheroo and claimed he was REALLY the grandson of Harry Houdini and could escape from anywhere – ANYWHERE, BITCHES!!!!!

… ‘cept those skills clearly need work cuz’ The Great Disappointment is still sitting in the Franklin County Jail … without bail.

FAIL!

Franklin County District Attorney Joey Rushing – in an uncanny rendition of FUCKING OBVIOUS! – said, “Just based on the circumstances of the arrest, we’ll be asking the state to conduct a mental evaluation on the suspect when the time comes.”

ya think?!

SOURCE

March 31, 2010 at 10:21 am 2 comments

Nick @ Nite is gettin’ naughty, y’all!


The nighttime programming arm of the Nickelodeon network airs a show called ‘Glenn Martin DDS’ every Thursday night at 8.

The show is a claymation-style cartoon thingie all about the wacky, madcap adventures of the traveling dentist and his family as they embark on a cross-country road trip to protest the demolition of Glenn’s favorite childhood park.

And by ‘wacky, madcap adventures’ I mean strippers, sex, gambling and violence, of course!

Shockingly, a national parents’ group has a problem with this.

“They’ve had references to pornography, there’s an ongoing story line about the family dog, which has an extraordinarily large anus,” says Melissa Henson of the Parents Television Council. She’s also the mother of 18-month old Josiah.

“If this is acceptable now,” she says, “when my son is 7, 8, 9 years old, what kind of content are we going to be seeing on programs he may be asking to watch?”

My guess? The same ones daddy already watches on the computer when you’re not around.

TRUTH!

But seriously folks, early exposure to naughtiness is delicate business so never forget that YOU are the parent. If you don’t want your precious little snowflakes to watch it – either change the channel or (better yet!) shut the damned thing off and give ’em a book to read!

Oh, and don’t tuck your mags, bags and battery-operated sexy-time buddies in the sock drawer. Little precious has prying eyes. Stop your spawn from snooping by locking that shit up, ‘kay? 😉

SOURCE

March 12, 2010 at 11:06 am

Wait. What?


The results of a new poll from the National Sleep Foundation reveal that roughly one in four Americans who are married or living with a romantic partner regularly feel too exhausted for sex.

Wait. What?
Sex helps you sleep better!
PROBLEM SOLVED!

The survey, which included more than 1,000 randomly selected prudes people ages 25 to 60, found – among other blah blah – that nearly a quarter of all of them said their work schedules kept them from getting enough sleep.

Wait. What?!
What better time to have sex than when you’re awake? I mean, I’m no Rhodes Scholar or anything but aren’t you awake when you can’t sleep?? Isn’t that your basic 2+2 situation or some shit?!
PROBLEM SOLVED!!

According to the survey, about 20 to 30% of Frigidaires respondents said their persistent lack of sleep often left them too tired for sex.

Wait. What?!?
Have we not already established that sex is best while awake and that sex promotes better sleep?!? Uhh, helloooooo!
PROBLEM SOLVED!!!

Don’t believe me?
Well then, quit making excuses and go do your homework, America!

SOURCE

March 11, 2010 at 11:06 am 7 comments

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