Posts tagged ‘science’

Pucker up, Buttercup!

Well slip me the tongue and call me protected!

I have been saved by the smooch!!

Some big brain over in Britain did some super serious scientifical researchification and discovered that “female inoculation with a specific male’s cytomegalovirus is most efficiently achieved through mouth-to-mouth contact and saliva exchange, particularly where the flow of saliva is from the male to the typically shorter female.”

Which is really just a big ol’ fancified $20 way of saying swapping spit can stop my sweet ass from getting sick!
Now I know why it is that I so very rarely get ill …

I’ve been innoculated by nookie!
::: and I LIKE it!! :::



::: suckit sickos!! :::

Dr. Colin Hendrie of the University of Leeds says that smoochin’ on the same person for about six months provides the best protection.
::: I have soooo met that quota! :::

“As the relationships progresses and the kisses become more passionate, the woman’s immunity builds up, cutting her odds of becoming ill,” a report in the journal Medical Hypotheses states.

Flu shot, schmooo shmot — I am so healthy I don’t even need that shit!!!

I’m gonna go drink for 30 hours straight, get high on paint fumes, run with scissors and tear up the organ donor card, ‘cuz I’m here for the duration, bitches!


Hey hey Mr. Cookie! Bring those live savin’ lips back over here, babe!


November 6, 2009 at 11:03 am 2 comments


We were witness to the most tumultuous time of testosterone turmoil in the entire known history of the planet … and we didn’t even know it!!

See, there was this superserious scientifical researchification that was executed last election eve and the results are 30 kinds of IN!

You ready?
You sure?

Ok then … there now exists laboratory PROOF that my¬†boyfriend is so powerful that he can deflate the collective nutsacks of Republitards everywhere with just his awesomeness alone (thus ensuring appropriate and effective evolution.
::: well, sort of ūüėČ :::

A study published online by the Public Library of Science (PLOS One) revealed that men who voted for John McCain in last year’s presidential election saw their testosterone levels plummet when they learned he had lost to Barack Obama.


But no.
This is science.
This is serious stuff here!

Saliva samples [collected using methods I’m not sure I really want to know about] from 163 men on election night showed that dudes who had Big Mac’s back and dudes backing O’Beautiful had similar testosterone levels when the polling stations closed, but the levels of the big T in McCain backers went down harder than Levi Johnston on Bristol Palin when my boyfriend was announced as the winner.
::: This is where I’d normally say ‘suckit losers!’ but, given the facts at hand that may have been just what was needed at the time … just sayin’ :::

Supporters of McCain or Libertarian Party candidate Bob Barr — who the study noted didn’t have a whore’s chance at heaven of getting elected — showed “significantly larger testosterone decreases” than Obama supporters from the time when polls closed to as long as 40 minutes after my boyfriend was declared the glorious new king of America … when they were all testin’ that T by chanting ‘Yes We Did!’ as they got their glittery, rainbow-infused, hopificated FREAK on!

Yeeeaaahhhh … that was a good night ūüėČ


October 23, 2009 at 10:03 am 4 comments

A bum idea

I recycle.
I drive an energy-efficient automobile.
I use kitchen towels instead of paper ones.
I turn off the water while I soap up in the shower.
I unplug all appliances and most other things before I leave the house.

Every day I try to make choices that will lighten my personal carbon footprint – but, you know, I just have to draw the line at this shit!

Wallypop Cloth Toilet Wipes

Yessir! The wacky naturalists over at Wallypoo are promoting the application of the cloth-diaper concept to the very results-oriented adult butt.

s in¬†peepee pads and shit sopper-uppers¬† that your ecological ass has to touch, store, tranport and ultimately¬†*blech* clean — you know, so you can have that same stank fun all over again!
::: vomitus interruptus ::: 

According to their craptastic website:
“Using cloth wipes for urine-only visits to the bathroom is so simple it’s hardly worth mentioning.
Go, wipe, and then toss the wipe into whatever container you prefer.”
::: Nuh uh, sorry … I prefer the circular stream of water in the big porcelain bowl that makes it all go bye bye for, like EVER! :::

“Using cloth wipes for other toilet visits is not any more difficult, but there is a certain ick factor involved.”
::: YA THINK?!? :::

“Consider how much waste you’re willing to leave on your children’s diapers or wipes when you toss them in the pail.”
:::¬†… willing … to … WHAT??? :::
”¬†Use the same standards for yourself.”
::: Bwuhhh? :::
“Shake, scrape, swish, or squirt off anything you don’t want in your laundry, and then toss the wipe into the pail or container.”
::: Phffflick! Blickkk! ACK!!! :::

I won’t do it!!
I CAN’T!!!

I’d pick leaves! Newspaper! Even¬†the hurtful half-ply sheets of generic brand sandpaper the dollar store sells before I’d willingly walk the caca colonnade.

Oh hell, I’m so grossed out picturing people packing up their poo that I just may never eat (or excrete) again!!

* Now that’s eco-friendly! *

February 27, 2009 at 6:31 pm 7 comments

Something’s missing

Joe the Plumber’s on board and so is Joe Six Pack.
Heck, even the grand-poobah of political peepaws himself –¬†Joe Biden – is accounted for.
Yet scant days before the most important election in the entire history of all historical electionations ever to have taken place among the esteemed electorate inhabiting all corners of the Milky Way Рwe seem to have misplaced a Joe!

Where is the crucial Blow endorsement?!?

Don’t¬†the candidates¬†know true, real Americans only care about a health care plan that includes a wide (I SAID WIDE, BITCHES!)¬†array of drug benefits?!?
::: sorry, the morning Prozac hasn’t kicked in yet :::

America isn’t a melting pot as much as it is a¬†medicine cabinet. You can pop a pill for anything that ails ya!

Want to lose weight? Can’t get it up? Blood pressure too high? Thinning hair? Stressed out? Allergies? Common cold? Muscle aches? Stubbed toe? Hangnail?
Take a pill! It’s the American way!

Drugs are a part of everything that is truly American and, therefore, should be embraced as a key pivotal political issue.

Baseball: Steroids
Apple Pie: Preservatives
Mom: Lasix

Whether you’re a¬†craggy AARP Q-Tip workin’ a Plavix fix¬†or a¬†common crack whore searchin’ for¬†some half track – YOU, Mrs. America, have needs no employer-backed plan can possibly cover.

Oh sure, this is a nation of Nickelonians who will nod politely at the ‘You Betchas’ and give¬†nudges of approval to notions of hopification and audaciousness. But make no mistake — it’s also a nation who wants to see their Joe,¬†their ‘everyman’, courted by one of the campaigns too!

When will we hear Big Mac talk about the importance of scoring some bargain-basement Botox for his bride?
::: no stranger to chemical intervention she :::
Where does my boyfriend stand on the critical role the average clucker plays?
::: ‘cuz¬†people pull some crazy ass shit over the rising cost of crank! :::

With granny’s medications costing more than her mortgage, and Vita-G costing a real¬†one – there simply is no bigger pocketbook issue than this one!

The ‘war’ is over — tick tock, fellas!

October 29, 2008 at 4:46 pm

Shiraz Syndrome

Something is wrong with me. I think I’ve known it for a while. The telltale signs are all there.

  • simple-math freakouts at tip time
    ::: 15% of $10?!? ACK!!!! :::
  • dwindling attention spa …
    ::: FOCUS!!!! :::
  • mystery body piercings
    ::: twinkly belly-buttony shininess :::
  • inappropriate emails from ‘Rico’
    ::: I don’t remember you. Your pics scare me. Seriously dude – please go away.¬†:::
  • ¬†

    I just never connected the dots,¬†never realized¬†it all pointed to¬†a larger problem … until now.

    During my morning ritual of headline digestion I ran across an article titled ‘Does Drinking Alcohol Shrink Your Brain?‘ and I was immediately all ‘Well, does it?’

    I had to know! I swigged the last of my morning Stoli and settled in for a read.

    Some chick named Carol Ann Paul set out a while back to researchify just what, exactly, alcohol does to the human brain. She thought she could show that booze puts the beatdown on certain kinds of brain shrinkage.

    As it turns out, her findings revealed the opposite. Instead of bringing the shrinkage beatdown, hitting the sauce brings on the shrinkage.
    ::: … and I know what else it shrinks! I DO remember Rico!!!! :HAHAHAHAHA!!!!! :::

    People who drink alcohol — even the moderate amounts that help prevent heart disease — have a smaller brain volume than those who do not“, according to¬†Carol Ann’s serious scientifical firewater findings, which were published¬†in the Archives of Neurology.


    Cocktails do some funky shit to the contents of your cranium – I get it. I’m totally on board with that.
    Now who’s doing the reefer report and can I volunteer????

    October 16, 2008 at 3:52 pm

    Who’s your daddy?

    Old and Busted: Young buns
    New Hotness: Old peen

    Don’t laugh — there’s, like, an actual person doing serious scientifical researchification on geezer genetics and stuff and he says guys like this —->
    are the key to evolution!
    ::: repeat after me: ‘anything’s possible with a paper bag’ :::

    Steve Jones of University College London scarily asserts that “human evolution is grinding to a halt because of a shortage of older fathers in the West”.
    ::: nothin’ like a little¬†pressure, right?!? :::

    Jones says peepaws are prone to pass on the, uhh, ‘mutations’ necessary for folks to continue plodding our way down Darwin’s path.
    ::: I knew it! We ARE freaks of nature!! :::

    ‚ÄúHuman social change often changes our genetic future,‚ÄĚ he said, citing marriage patterns and contraception as examples. ‚ÄúQuite unexpectedly, we have dropped the human mutation rate because of a change in reproductive patterns.”

    I mean, ok, we could try to warp our Watson-Crick through chemical intervention or set up shop in some radioactive Real Estate, but who wants to get all Chernobyl only to plop out another average Earthling?

    Not me!

    Nope, if Jones is right¬†and it’s the gnarly goo in old-man spoo that puts the man in humanity —¬†then it’s time to¬†give¬†grampa the good joog … just like that other Jones … Catherine Zeta, that is.

    You didn’t know it but this bad bitch¬†has been working hard on behalf of all of¬†humanity!
    ::: Thanx CZJ! xoxoxo :::

    She’s taking this¬†whole ‘sexy¬†septuagenarian’ scenario¬†VERY seriously!
    I mean, why else would she consciously breed with the Crypt Keeper and birth a bunch of mutant babies???

    Poke a pensioner – save the world!

    October 7, 2008 at 5:35 pm 1 comment

    Sex me, Genie!

    I may fight like a girl but, according to the Bookblog‚Äôs Gender Genie, I write like one butch bitch, y’all!

    Instead of rubbing a magic lamp, this genie uses a sort of dumbed-down version of some boring, long-ass algorithm (developed by Moshe Koppel, Bar-Ilan University in Israel, and Shlomo Argamon, Illinois Institute of Technology, blah blah blah) to predict the gender of an author of a blog entry or works of fiction or nonfiction.
    ::: Scientifical!! :::

    The caveat is that the Genie‚Äôs ‘best guesses’ come from text submissions of 500 words or more.
    ::: that must be whenthe X and Y chromosomes come out to play :::

    The genie thought Jason Beghe Deathwatch was written by some kind of tranny or something. At 427 words, it was almost too close to call:

    Female Score: 533

    Male Score: 520



    But Ciao Homeless People! – at a gender-bending 508 words – skewed male!

    Female Score: 620

    Male Score: 737



    The genie sees gyna whenever I talk about my boyrfriend but thinks I‚Äôm bringin‚Äô the peen about half the time I dish on Big Mac‘s Maverick Beefiness. What‚Äôs the dilly, yo?!?

    Am I living writing a lie? Am I trapped halfway inside the virtual closet? Why is ‚Äėwith‚Äô feminine while ‚Äėwhat‚Äô is masculine? And where does the genie stand on blogrish terms like peen, blabby or muddaskunt?

    Inquring minds wanna know!

    …¬†and just in case you were wondering:
    The Gender Genie thinks the author of this passage is: male!

    ::: I gotta go spit and adjust myself in public now :::

    August 28, 2008 at 2:16 pm 3 comments

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