Posts tagged ‘school’


No really.
That’s an order!

Straight from the majorlymegamagicalmouth of the proud papa of one of music’s finest forms comes the most magnificent melodious mandate of the new millenia!

Get THE Funk OUT!

“The state of funk today is kind of funked up,” laments William Earl “Bootsy” Collins. “If you say anything about those old musicians to youngsters today, most of them don’t have a clue. All they know is who their favorite bass player or guitarist is now. They have no idea how to connect those dots, where this style or this music comes from.”

These kids today!

So what’s Bootsy doin’? ūüėČ

Well, starting this July, he’s going to school those young ignorant asses at Funk University, an online bass guitar school he is co-creating and curating with actor-entrepreneur Cory Danziger.


As F.U.’s lead professor, Bootsy has designed an intense curriculum tailored for intermediate to advanced bass players as well as anyone interested in a deeper understanding of funk, and has enlisted a who’s-who of bass legends to serve as guest professors.

With the groove our
Only guide
We shall all be moved

In Bootsy’s Lecture Hall, he will provide extensive lectures on funk, the bass, and his body of work, while his professors articulate Bootsy’s lectures with lessons and exercises on bass and rhythm inside the classroom areas.

Now everybody say ‘Bootsy’!
(Everybody come on)

The library will house a wealth of multimedia learning content, from video and audio to gear tutorials. Staff reviews of students’ performance will be conducted periodically, and professors will also hold office hours to answer students’ questions.

On your mark, ready set go
Gotta do a thang, gotta disco

Professor Bootsy will also be judging student track submissions as part of a series of regular school competitions. Interested players are encouraged to sign up for exclusive information at

Consider me joinin’ the wet set … the workin’ up a SWEAT set, Boot-say!

Enjoy an all-time fave, willya?

May 25, 2010 at 1:26 am

Adventures in Piss-Poor Parenting

Old and busted: Grounding your kid for punishment
New hotness: Making your kid murder something for punishment

Well, at least for one mentally-challenged mother in Georgia, it is.

Move over Jo-Jo ‘Tat Mom’ Marsh – there’s a¬†new Queen of the Decidedly Dumbass!

Meet Lynn ‘Do my Crazy, Vacant, Googly Eyes Make Me Look Like A Batshit Crazy Crackah’ Middlebrooks Geter —–>

Lynn’s response to her son’s shitty report card wasn’t sending him to bed with no dinner, taking away his PlayStation or locking up the Webkinz.

Hell to the no!
Lynn’s not down with that tried-and-true shit!
She¬†believes a lesson isn’t¬†truly learned unless a sin’s been duly earned!

And so, for the grievous infraction of failing subtraction [or whatever the hell he came up short on] — Lynn thought the best way to impress upon her son the importance of academic excellence was to hand over a hammer and have him act as hitman on his own hamster.
::: Appropriate Response ULTRAFAIL :::

The day after his mom forced him to kill his beloved pet, Lynn’s ¬†12-year-old soon-to-be-plagued-with-horrific-flashbacks son¬†told his teacher … who reported it to DFCS authorities … who contacted police … who arrested Mommy Muttonhead and charged her with one count each of animal cruelty, child cruelty and battery.
::: Appropriate Response SUCCESS :::

If this is how she supervises schoolwork, can you just imagine how that trick handled potty training!?

* mad props to saratoday for the heads-up on this heinous ho *


January 26, 2010 at 11:53 am 3 comments

Geography FAIL



Remember that family vakay we were all forced to take during the delicate, formative years of our middle school ‘experience’?
The one where the ‘rents piled our whiny snotnosed selves¬†into the Pace Arrow and headed ‘West to see America’??
The one where you pretzeled yourself in an effort to make sure you had at least one digit representin’ in every spot at Four Corners???

Well, funny thing about that …

“According to readings by the National Geodetic Survey, the Four Corners marker showing the intersection of Arizona, Colorado, New Mexico and Utah is about 2.5 miles west of where it should be.”


Ayep – a good old-fashioned fuckup back in 1868 has led to countless Kodak moments where little Timmy and Sue took turns getting¬†a hand in Arizona … and, as it turns out,¬†a foot in Arizona … and another foot in Ariz — well, you get the idea.

That photo album? Pitch it.
That commemorative mug? Ditch it.
That computer screensaver you like so much? Switch it.

Your ‘precious memories’ will get you about as much as the¬†fake Louis the chick at RaceTrac keeps behind the counter.

What – OH WHAT – are we to make of this betrayal, America?!?

Are we just supposed to now assume we are georgewvisiting the real birthplace of George Washington when we go to the Virginia spot the government claims is the exact spot his mamma birthed that bitch?
I don’t think so!

And what about Washintgon’s Mount St. Helens?? How do we know it’s not the¬†bigger, more unstable ‘supposedly dormant’ volcano 2.5 MILES AWAY that nobody talks about because the guy monumentizing shit that day was too lazy to check it out??
We don’t!

And Devil’s Tower in Wyoming? Allegedly our ‘first national monument’??
Oh right! Like I’m really gonna¬†believe Teddy Roosevelt named¬†christened¬†that crap¬†back in 1906!
I wasn’t there!
Were you?!? Nooooo.
The first time I saw that shit was in Close Encounters. For all I know it’s just a really big set prop!

What are we to believe?
Where does this heinous treachery against the American people end?!?

My God — what IS this madness?!?

Next thing you know we’ll find out Santa’s not real!


April 21, 2009 at 3:34 pm 6 comments


I think I’m in love with another woman.
Don’t worry … I think Mr. Cookie won’t mind.

413-profile_harding_03-08-2009_arlingtons_4bs2uvqembeddedprod_affiliate58<—- Meet Whitney Harding.

Whitney is¬†a 39-year-old Lone Star mama who juggles several jobs, including being a wife and mother of two, being her block’s resident MILF (look at that hot slut – no lie!) while also acting as the new PTA council president in her kids’ school district,¬†volunteering at their school and selling cosmetics.

Bitch is busy, ‘kay?

But somewhere in the mangled mess of her daily ‘Must Do’ list she still finds time for what really matters.

Roller Derby.

She’s the¬†blocker for the Dallas Derby Devils league’s ‘Slaughterers’ – her derby handle is ‘Homewrecker’ and she’s 20 different kind of ready to knock a rival skank OUT when duty calls.
:::   :::

“I like a good solid hit,” she said. “It‚Äôs just about making a good solid hit, helping your jammer get through the pack.”

Oh my God I love her SO much!!!!!

When I was a kid my mom would take me to Oxmoor Ice Lodge to play mixed-youth hockey. You just cannot beat that shit!

With just a little padding, a helmet and skates I was transformed each week into an adolescent, ice-bound KILLING MACHINE.

Seriously! Once practice was over and our coach was gone – the rink opened up to the date-night¬†lovey-dovey’s¬†and that’s when I’d kick it into hyperdrive, get my speed skate on ’round rink’s edge – going faster and Faster and FASTER –¬†before picking out a coupla handholders and BUSTIN’¬†THOSE BITCHES¬†APART!!!!

It was the BEST!

Ooohhhhh I’d forgotten how much I loved it, how much I missed that kind of excitement, how much I still want to knock shit down!!

Whitney has put her derby voodoo mojo on me and¬†awakened an inner desire that I’m not sure I can ignore!

I just may have to trot my buns down to the Broward County Derby Grrls’ Fresh Meat Sunday and bust a bitch down move!

… I just need to think of a super way cool total HBIC derby nickname …


March 9, 2009 at 5:50 pm 15 comments

The Iceman Cometh?

If it weren’t for the fact that I wasn’t even the teensiest bit hung over this morning [WTF?!?], I would have sworn on the holiest of holies — the Victoria’s Secret catalogue — that my eyeballs were still pissed about that whole Tom Jones leatherface nightmare and decided on a little payback prank of their own.

I mean, how else was I supposed to explain this headline:
Val Kilmer ponders run for NM governor in 2010

But,¬†it’s true!

The job will be up for grabs next year when two-term hot slut Bill Richardson leaves office Рand the Iceman wants to get his gubernatoriality on!!!
::: … no word yet on how Wolfman and Slider feel about this … :::

“If I run, I’m going to be the next governor.”

Well OK then, Mr. Lowselfesteem!
We think you can do it too, snookums!

Anyone who can coordinate the most awesomely not-meant-to-be-gay-but-soooooo-fucking-GAY beach volleyball game in the entire known history of the Top Gun fighter tactics instructor program has got my vote!
Or … uh … would have my vote if I lived in New Mexico and, you know, could, like, vote for you … and stuff.


February 6, 2009 at 4:00 pm 8 comments


A week ago, Covenant Academy’s girl’s basketball team¬†put an embarassing¬†100-0 bully beatdown on hapless Dallas Academy.¬†
Despite the score,¬†the Dallas coach said the game was¬†win for his girls ‘because they never gave up’.
Awwwwsome, dude!

And that should have been that!

But then¬†the media began getting reports of¬†unsportsmanlike conduct on Covenant’s part, which forced¬†school administrators to publicly condemn¬†such behavior¬†on their school’s website.

And that really should have been that!

But¬†then their giant meatbag of a coach -who apparently didn’t see¬†things¬†the same way and just couldn’t find the discipline [imagine that] to¬†keep his yap shut – emailed the local rag a bunch of blah blah about how¬†running up the score on a team who hasn’t won a game in¬†four seasons is, like, way honorable and¬†exemplifies¬†totally quality sportsmanship and shit.

So Covenant got all firey on his ass.

And that really Really should have been that!

But now the basketball biatches from Covenant¬†are making¬†a bid to get their 15 minutes extended by announcing that they’re ‘trying to do the right thing’ [a week after the fact] by asking for a forfeit and gettin’ their public¬†‘woops – our bad’ on over their truly inexcusable margin of victory.


What’s it gonna take?

Just go on The View and hug it out already – and then pinky swear that this is the absolute LAST we have to hear about it for, like, EVER!!!

Pretty pretty please with sweet sweet sugar and a nice plump cherry on top?!?!?

January 28, 2009 at 10:31 pm 2 comments

Men You’d Do?

So I see a press release this morning for a “Menudo Back to School Contest” and I had to sniff the sprinkles on my doughnut to be sure I didn’t accidentally put the ‘good’ powder on there.
::: it happens … :::

What in the lame comeback ploy hell is this all about?
Have we learned nothing from the Spice Girls or New Kids on the Block??
Is the¬†musical landscape really so barren that we’re pumping a 30-year-old boy band looking for a comeback at any price???

What’s next? Are the members of New Edition gonna try¬†and get back together so they can choke out an updated rendition of¬†Mr. Telephone Man or Popcorn Love?
::: Don’t laugh – they might. Bobby’s pretty hard up these days … :::

Oh well, whatever.

They might want to recast their ‘creative team’, though.
I mean,¬†what idiot starts¬†a “Back to School’ ANYTHING in October?
Doesn’t school start in, like, August or something?

By October kids are boozing in the parking lot and screwing their drama teachers!

That concert better include an 8-ball and some cutters or things could get ugly.

October 1, 2008 at 2:36 pm 2 comments

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