Posts tagged ‘rumor’

Minding their ‘business’


“There are definitely gonna be tough parts in marriage. You have to look at those tough times and remember that you have essentially a business contract with this person. You’ve signed an agreement: You’re going to be together. And you look at it that way as you work through the tough times, because I guarantee the better time is there on the other side. That’s how we’ve looked at it.”

Sarah Palin in a March 2009 interview with Esquire magazine

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6a00d834515edc69e200e5539683a58834-800wiAnd business is business, right?

AlaskaReport.com is, well, reporting that Sarah and Todd Palin are gonna quit the love after more than two decades of breeding, being stupid Republican and generally blaming everyone else for the asshatted idiocy that has become their lives.
::: WAH-silla :::

According to *SHOCK* “unnamed sources,” a National Enquirer story alleging extramarital fuckery on both sides led to the total fuckification of Palin pairing and the sheer stress and all-out anxiety from all those alleged no-no sexy times is what really led to Palin’s resignation as governor of Alaska … allegedly.

Now, I don’t know about Todd but I’m gonna guess he was giving the peen to some Fairbanks fishmongrette with a gift for skinning salmon and a love for all things Nushagak.
And Sarah? Well, you remember the story. Sure you do! The one where she’s gettin’ her O-face on with Todd’s bestest buddy – snowmobile salesman Brad Hanson?
Yep – that one. And, since the Enquirer was right about that whole John Edwards mess, they’ve got street cred now so everything they write is true and shit. Umm hmm.

AnyPalinsucksanywaysowhothefuckcares, “sources” are also blabbing that Sarah stopped wearing her wedding ring weeks ago AND that she recently bought land in Montana. Well that’s just as good as confirmation, isn’t it?

Get ready to flee Montanas! Track, Bristol, Willow, Piper, Trig and grandbehbeh Tripp [but not the Toddster] may be headed your way!

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August 2, 2009 at 1:12 pm 3 comments

Happy Fourth, Bitches!


Yeah, it’s a day [and a half, give or take] early but this ho’s gotta get her happr4thbitcheslong-weekend bender a’brewin’ so I do not have time to dwell on the demise of Jeff Goldblum as reported by Jeff Goldblum or any of the other not-dead celebs not out there being dead or dying and stuff.

No time for that shit, ‘kay?

I gotsta get my drink on – and you do, too – it’s, like, the law!

So crack it, pour it, mix it and raise it high for a Happy Adoption of the Declaration of Independence Day!

Let’s party like it’s 1776 …

July 2, 2009 at 8:38 pm 2 comments

I just threw up a little in my mouth


According to the San Francisco Gate, American Idol ditzball alum Kellie Pickler (AKA Pammy Lite) and Waffle House smackdown king Kid Rock have been dating for more than a year.
::: doesn’t that, like, automatically qualify her as engagement material?? :::

I really hope this isn’t true.
Because I kind of like Kellie.
You have to like someone who can market the shit out of one-range vocals and two plumpified breastesez. It’s like a law.

Now if we could just get that bitch to quit the love before someone gets hurt …

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July 2, 2009 at 10:33 am 2 comments

Number Three???


UPDATE:

DAYUM!

MJ dead at 50

Earlier:
jackoTMZ is reporting that Michael Jackson was taken by ambulance to a hospital in Los Angeles.
The LA Times reports he was not breathing when paramedics arrived.

Both are reporting he suffered a cardiac arrest, that paramedics administered CPR in the ambulance and that his mom is on her way.

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June 25, 2009 at 9:14 pm 3 comments

Cue Apple tankage in 3 … 2 …


Apple Inc.’s CEO Steve Jobs says he is taking a medical leave of absence  until the end of June.
::: Stay calm. I am sure there is no need to panic … :::

Jobs told employees in an e-mail that his health issues are more complex than he thought.
::: hmm … ok maybe that sounds a little like reason to get kinda panicky … :::

Last week, Jobs announced he had a hormone deficiency that had caused him to lose a crapload of weight. The rest of the world took it for granted he was lying to protect price per share and theoried the cancer he had years ago was back … with an agenda!
::: uh, gotta admit I’m starting to panic a teensy bit here … :::

Rumors of a cancerous comeback have been flying ever since he made a skeletal appearance at the launch of the iPhone 3G last summer and Apple’s stonewalling about the ‘health issue’ has been the  perfect accelerant for this giant pile of gossipy tinder.

The scuttlebutters went into an all-out frenzy in December, when the company announced at just about the last possible nansecond that it was pulling out of Macworld and, oh yeah, Jobs wasn’t speaking.
::: Macworld – Apple = RED FLAG ALERT!!!:::

But no, I’m sure it’s all ok. No need to panic. So the company’s stock takes a nosedive whenever he gets a sniffle [panic] because he is the de facto face of the company  [panic] and the entire planet basically credits him with every drop of success Apple and all of its products have ever had  [panic] and the company has zero confirmed plans of succession in the works or on the books or in draft status in some file on some iBook somewhere or something … [panic] so what, right?

I’m sure there’s absoutely nothing to worry about … nothing … at all … well, maybe just a little …
::: Sell Mortimer Seeeeellllllllllllll!!!!! :::

January 14, 2009 at 10:31 pm 8 comments

Daily Caylee – IT’S HER


Remains identified as Caylee Anthony

It’s Caylee Marie. The five-month mystery ended today when authorities confirmed that skeletal remains discovered in woods last week belong to the missing two-year-old girl.

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December 19, 2008 at 7:12 pm

Let’s talk about sex, baybee!


The Palm Beach Post has ideas, y’all!

postspelApparently not satisfied that mangling headlines and shoving the really annoying shit other pubs call ‘news’ to the bottom of the page screams “We’re goin’ DOWN, bitches!!!quiiiiite loud enough … the Post has decided to add ‘sex colunmist’ the list of positions they’ll be cutting in the next round of  layoffs.
::: Always think ahead!! :::

reporterAt least that’s the rumor I heard last night from someone who works for a competitor who’s name I won’t mention but who’s initials are The South Florida Sun Sentinel.

If this nugget is true, then the Post’s intrepid health reporter has been  bangin’ on doors all over the place looking for the next Dr. Ruth or Dr. Drew or — I can only hope — Dan Savage.

Unfortunately, it’s the Post, so I think I can go out on a limb here and predict with about a gozillion percent accuracy that we can count out the raunchy hee hees someone like Savage would bring.
::: sad face :::

Nope, it’s the Post.
Home of the Charticle.
Land of the Bland.


We’ll get two and a half months of some watered-down Courting Disaster ripoff with a creepy Aunt Marge avatar cautioning the Q-Tips not to ‘get frisky’ with their dentures in before the deafening laughter and endless fingerpointing force the powers that be to add this idea to their growing pile of ‘can’t sell’.
::: bow chicka, umm, yeah – not so much … :::

December 12, 2008 at 6:28 pm 26 comments

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