Posts tagged ‘ridiculous’

Judicial Change I Could Believe In


A heinous whore who tortured her child has been:
1. Denied any and all contact with her son
::: GOOD! :::
2. Sentenced to at least four years in prison
::: SLAMMERTIME!! :::
3. Ordered to receive parenting training
::: MOMMI … wait … what?! :::

22-year-old Tabitha Rich put her 33-month-old son butt-first into a pan of boiling water to punish the poor child for the grievous infraction common childhood condition of being constipated.
She also burned his foot with a cigarette and was responsible for other outrageous injuries …

… and yet – instead of barring that bitch from ever reproducing again, some schmuck judge gives her parenting training?!

I’d think the idea would be to prevent her from parenting for, like, EVER!

I mean, ok sure – that skank needs to study up — but wouldn’t it just be easier to obliterate her ovaries and seal her cervix so we don’t have to wait and worry when this MOTY candidate goes for the sequel?!

Because you know there would be one.

Frealz!
SOLUTIONIZE!

We accept the use of chemical castration for male sex offenders, such as rapists, pedophiles, and exhibitionists but then get all touchy when it comes to making it a permanent kind of NOT GONNA HAPPEN AGAIN when some wretched women abuses her offspring.

HYPOCRITICAL!

Cookie’s Conclusion: Just because she has a vagina doesn’t mean she’s mommy material and mommies who wound their wee ones should be forced to surgically forfeit the feminine fixtures of their fertility.

Bandwagon, anyone?

SOURCE

December 16, 2009 at 11:02 am 2 comments

The Fuggie


Come ON America!

You can do better than this!!

The country that rightly celebrates the majesty of college football, the moxie of manipulations to electoral process and the mastery of military might canNOT be the same country that has so clearly sunk to subterranean sickness by making that wretched remnant we all know as the Snuggie(TM) the number one holiday gift this year.

And yet *sigh* it is.

“The product’s fun, useful nature combined with its affordable price make the Snuggie(TM) blanket the perfect holiday gift,” blah blah’d Anne Flynn – Allstar Products Group’s HBIC of Marketing.

So perfect, in fact, that shoppers are being warned – WARNED I SAY – to rush rush and slap their cash monies down on the fug rug no later than December 11 [THAT’S TOMORROW BITCHES!!!] if you really want to insult Aunt Kay properly on Christmas morning.

Oh but don’t worry fellas, Allstar hasn’t cut YOU out of the gotta have it category when it comes to this grotesque garmant. No sir!

In the wake of Black Friday and Cyber Monday, some new Snuggie(TM) styles and colors are selling out quickly, PR Newswire reports. To keep up with the high consumer demand, Allstar has introduced even more eye-offending prints and colors including:
Camouflage!
::: perfect for tree-stand snuggle times :::

Tie Dye!
::: great when the ganga’s too strong :::

And Black and Purple!
::: wonderf … wait – they didn’t offer that shit originally?! ACK! :::

So if you are one of the apparent millions of Americans with no style, taste or creativity this holiday season, get your orders in NOW because nearly all of the current Snuggie(TM) colors and designs will be discontinued after this season.
::: Oh thank God … there IS a Santa Claus! :::

SOURCE

December 10, 2009 at 2:59 am 6 comments

Lip Service


Move over Roger Stephens!
There’s a new champion in the crotchety old coot category – and he’s only 44!

chomperMichigan moron and all-around menace to society Daniel Allen –>
gave a big ol’ Fuck YOU! to the tried and true ‘GET OFF MY LAWN!’ old-man rant when some kids accidentally tossed a football in his yard recently.

That verbal shit just doesn’t cut it, see!
Instead, Allen got all snatchy-fingers, brought the hell naw when the ballers begged for it back and let his inner-rage marinate juuuust long enough to come to a full boil … which
[!FUN FACT ALERT!]
took exactly the same amount of time it took for a kid’s parent to get involved!

When the parent walked up and asked Allen for the ball, dickhead decided to dispence with all semblance of decorum and go straight for the OWWWW!

“The suspect went nose to nose with the victim and then bit him on the chompedmouth,” said Detective Capt. Richard Maierle. “The bite went nearly all the way through his mouth.”

He just took a chunk out of me and grabbed my neck, scratched me… quite a few marks,” said Winfred Fernandes. “He bit through my lip.”
::: someone needs a Tyson Target Practice refresher!! :::

Fernandes was taken to the hospital and Allen was taken in handcuffs.

Allen, who *SHOCK* was arrested on assault charges in 1997, entered a not guilty plea at his arraingment.

Recidivism-1
Rehabilitation-0

Allen is charged with aggravated assault with intent to maim which — if convicted — comes giftwrapped just in time for the holidays with a shiny new 10-year felony sentence.

Try fitting that under the tree!

SOURCE

October 22, 2009 at 10:15 am 2 comments

Artistic FAIL


These nasty gnomes are the brainfart of artist Ottmar Hörl, who put 1,250 of them in an installation he calls ‘Dance with the Devil’ on display for the next five days in the central square of a Bavarian town near Munich, Germany.

Hörl had previously created a single, golden Hitler-saluting gnome that folks had tried to have legally removed from an art gallery.

Why?
Because Nazi symbols are prohibited in public there.
::: as they should be everywhere :::

The case was later dropped because the grotesque little goblin was apparently meant to be ‘satirical’.

But — and only because there’s no fucking accounting for some folks’ fucked-up fetishes is all I can think of – the whole hobgoblin legal hullaballoo sparked enough ignorant interest in the heinous little beasts that Hörl dreamed up this latest disturbing display.

“As long as I manage to polarize, I’m on the right track,” he said.
::: hmmm … and here I always thought that was Rush Limbaugh’s signature move … :::

October 15, 2009 at 10:08 am 2 comments

You gotta fight … for your right …


You will not hit the ceiling. You will not tear up the town. And under no circumstances will you attempt to cut footloose in the wee morning hours around Des Moines, Iowa.
::: Jack, get back! :::

An FL_baconasinine ordinance – circa 1942 – that’s still on the books makes public dancing between 2 a.m. and 6 a.m. Monday through Saturday and 2 a.m. through 8 a.m. on Sundays about 20 shades of not legal.
::: Whoa, Milo! :::

This is some Reverend Shaw Moore shit!
“Even if this was not a law, which it is, I’m afraid I would have a lot of difficulty endorsing an enterprise which is as fraught with genuine peril as I believe this one to be.”

SPOOKY!!

“It’s a silly law that shouldn’t exist and the law shows we aren’t keeping up with the times,” said Ren McCormack Zachary Mannheimer, executive director of the Des Moines Social Club.

A feeling that Willard, Ariel and the rest of the gang down at Bomont High School, like, totally share and stuff!

They say they’re done playing it cool, obeying every rule. They’re burning, yearning for somebody to tell them that life ain’t passin’ them by! Because, let’s face it, they know it will … if they don’t even try.
That’s right.
They can fly!
If they’d only cut loose.

FOOTLOOSE!!!!

FL_meetingSo they’re planning to make an impassioned plea at today’s City Council meeting in an effort to get city leaders to abolish the outdated dickslap to the dance and revitalize the spirit of the repressed townspeople!!

Not for nothing, but this shit would actually be funny — if it were’t true, which it is and that gives me the sadz …

But hey, Des Moiners – I hope you win.
I DO!

FL_willardNot [only] because there is some high-ass hilariosity whenever you get a bunch of whitebread midwestern Iowans shakin’ what their mamma’s gave ’em and bumpin’ it to the Peas’ Boom Boom Pow (for serious!) — but because it’s not just about a dance …

… Not anymore.

 SOURCE
PHOTOS: Paramount Pictures

July 13, 2009 at 2:29 pm 6 comments

1-2-3-4


It’s an all-out PAPER TOWEL WAR!!

ptowelsSeems the folks at Bounty paper towels are 20 kinds of pissed over Brawny’s new look because they believe it’s an intellectual dupe of their ‘bowtie-like embossed’ pattern design.
::: they must not know that whole ‘imitation is the sincerest form of flattery’ bit :::

They’re so bent out of shape that Cincinnati-based Proctor & Gamble Co. —  Bounty’s owner — filed a federal lawsuit to stop the alleged copy-cattery allegedly being perpetrated by Atlanta-based Georgia-Pacific LLC — Brawny’s owner.
::: ludicrously litigatory :::

“We will rigorously defend our intellectual property rights, which in this case involves infringements to our Bounty trademark and trade dress,” some P&G spokesbitch blah blah’d in an email to reporters.

“We believe the claims are entirely meritless, and we plan to defend the lawsuit vigorously,” Georgia-Pacific blah blah’d back.

All relevant blah blah aside?
brawnyThe real crime here isn’t the pattern.

It’s the lumberjack!

My untidies can only be  treated by the thirstiest of towels – and that ain’t the jack, ‘kay?

Which is why I quit that bitch years ago for the  cottony comfort of Viva.

I mean, helllooo?!?

Look at his veneers! His high cheekbones!! His perfect hair and plush lips!!!

He’s either the missing Village Person or I’m the Queen of England!

Frealz, yo!
This guy is all jazz-hands and showmanship.
Corporate even gave that slut a makeover complete with a smokin’ hot new set of guns and a tighter ’70s shag ‘n stache. But all that glam + 1,000 plaid shirts and manly poses can’t hide it.

He’s just not strong enough to be my man.

I’m sorry, but it is what it is. And don’t front like you don’t know what I’m saying.
You see it.
You know you do.

If that cutter isn’t keeping a pair of assless chaps hanging next to a whip and a feather boa on the back of his bathroom door then I need to go wrangle the corgis for their afternoon walk!

Ya — the bother with your branding ain’t the ‘pattern’ boys … but good luck with that lawsuit and all.

[Ed Note: My chaps are on a hanger and my whip is under the bed … I’m hella fun — but I’m nobody’s mascot either.]

SOURCE

May 14, 2009 at 6:26 pm 6 comments

G-nailed!


aigemail
So I got ^ this email ^ yesterday at mmmm.lifeisacookie@gmail.com that was kinda sorta seemingly callin’ my ass a few kinds of out for not going apeshit on the whole AIG sitch.

And I’m all ‘Dude! What’s going on?!? If only you knew how I’ve tried!’

‘What’s going on?’
Well, for one thing, I really didn’t think anyone would want to read 8 inches of FUCK YOU AIG ASSHATS AND YOUR MISERABLE CORPORATE FUCKERY, YOU GREEDY FUCKING FUCKTARDED FUCKERS!!

I mean, it’s not exactly what one would call particularly ‘insightful’ or ‘thought-provoking’, now is it?

‘What’s going on??’
Every time I sit down, try to channel my inner calm and meaningfully articulate just exactly how I feel about AIG paying more than $160 million in bonuses to employees of its Financial Products division …
… the unit primarily responsible for the company’s epic meltdown …
… the meltdown that resulted in AIG getting more than $170 billion of my yours OUR money in the form of a taxpayer-funded bailout …
… the bailout that essentially made instant millionaires over the weekend of more than 70 people (11 of whom no longer even WORK there) who had a direct fucking role in bringing the fucking company to the brink of ETERNAL FUCKING RUIN …

… What’s going on is that I get a POUNDING HEADACHE from repeatedly bashing my forehead against the wall out of earned aggravation and excessively escalating pissiosity!

Because it’s not just the greedy muddascunt AIGers who arouse my anger, sir.

OH HO NO!

I have ire in reserve for the Federal Reserve twits and the Treasury Deptartment meatsacks who should have put terms into the original bailout agreement that would have prevented this fiscal fuckery — but didn’t in the rush rush to get the [admittedly necessary] bill passed.

And I feel I can rightly direct a fair amount of fury at every lameass, near-sighted Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Green Partier, lobbyist, banker, zoologist, cryptozoologist, philatelist or rare coin collector who had even the most limited hand in ultimately putting before then-President Bush the $700 billion NO FUCKING OVERSIGHT economic bailout package (Emergency Economic Stabilization Act of 2008) which became the godawful Troubled Assets Relief Program (TARP) when shrub signed that bitch into law on October 3.

‘What’s going on?!?’
ACK!

I don’t think I can harness this hissy fit and I sure as shit couldn’t find my happy place right now even if you plopped my tuckus smack in the middle of it from a hot-air balloon powered solely by sunshine and positive thoughts!

‘What’s going on?!?!’

There [almost] are no words …

March 18, 2009 at 10:11 am 3 comments

Older Posts Newer Posts


This is the shit you bitches are reading


Creative Commons License
Lifeisacookie is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 3.0 United States License.


%d bloggers like this: