Posts tagged ‘ridiculous’

Seriously?


Seriously.
::: meh :::

Today’s ‘No Shit’ bullshit story: Kids who play ‘choking game’ may take other risks, too’.

Seriously?!
Sadly. Seriously.

Someone went out, secured funding and got their study on to prove the obvious obviosity that the precious little snowflakes who find it just nine kinds of F-U-N to obstruct available O2 from finding their little lung units DO, in fact, find risky behavior MORE than nine kinds of rewarding?

Seriously?!
Seriously.

A group of APPARENTLYGOTNOTHINGBETTERTODOers over at the Oregon Health Authority spent some serious clock ticks surveying more than 5,300 eighth-graders to find out if they’d heard of the choking game, and if so, whether they had participated.

Twenty-two percent of children said they had heard of the game, and 6 percent had participated in it.
::: No word on what percent of  pubers lied about either, but I think it’s safe to say that when talking about teens it would be a not tiny tally of the sum total of ’em. Talkin’ truth here … ::: 

And this, gentle readers, is the part where you close your eyes, travel to your mental happy place and take deep, cleansing breaths as you try to block from your mind the reality that THIS WASN’T ALREADY OBVIOUS!?!

Seriously.

April 17, 2012 at 1:56 pm 3 comments

This much I know


I am no Mr. Blackwell
::: but hey, technically neither is he, since he’s dead ‘n all … :::

I am no Joan Rivers
::: thank GAWD!!! :::

I am no Heidi Klum
::: but I pretend to be every Thursday night at Sammi … err, uhh, nevermind … :::

I am no high and mighty fashion critic.
I’m a fashion ICON!

As in ‘Icon see that shit and that shit ain’t right!’

And this shit ain’t right! —–>

It’s wrongness exists on several levels, but let’s not go into the granular details lest The Situation wannabe at my local LA Fitness who tormented MY EYES this very afternoon feel compelled to divert his rufie and hair gel savings and put it toward the kind of marrow-level in-depth psychoanalysis his entire being is so desperately crying out for.

No.
Let’s not do that.
We simply don’t have that kind of time.

But address the all-out fuckery that IS those shorts – WE MUST!

Because they aren’t shorts.
Or Pants.
Or Shants.
Or Ports.

Those, my friends, are culottes, okay?

Fucking culottes.

As in women’s fashion trousers circa 1978!!!

As in kinda ok these days for (women who do) yoga but not much else.

So stop it, douchebag.
Because it’s annoying to watch you try to be all testeroney as you priss and strut and flex and grunt while wearing those ridiculous things.
Because it doesn’t work.
Because it doesn’t make you look muscular, or masculine or, well, much of anything remotely, uhh, male.

It makes you look like my Aunt Carol.

‘Nuff said.

There’s a Sports Authority at Southern and 441.
Visit the men’s clothing section pronto because, DAYUM!

November 20, 2011 at 9:24 pm 4 comments

That crack is WAK, yo!


Because I just don’t see it.

I don’t!

I mean – I can FEEL that shit, but I don’t SEE that shit.

See, that’s my knee down there (HI KNEE!) and, according to the HBIC at the walk-in I limped-in yesterday it’s cracked … maybe … possibly … so go see an orthopedic surgeon to find out for sure if that bitch is truly busticated.

So I did.
‘Cept he wasn’t sure either.

So now The Cookie’s gonna get her MRI on (NO SNEEZING, LIE STILL) tomorrow and maybe, possibly find the fuck out for good!.

Which makes me all ‘Really?!? Didn’t you guys learn how to read an X-Ray on, like, day 1 of doctor school or something?’

Because I sure can’t. But I don’t have to.
Because it’s a pretty well-established indisputable 100 kinds of true FACT that I am not a doctor or a nurse or a nurse practitioner or a medical assistant or the front-desk lady who gives out lollies.

But they are, which is why this ho hooks up with healing-types when her shit brings the hurt.

I go see people who are supposed to know shit so they can look at my shit and tell me how to fix that shit!

‘Cept modern medicine’s not as hot shit as all that.

Because it requires multiple examinations by multiple people over the course of multiple days to maybe, possibly find out why pain is radiating down my leg from the outside of my right knee and maybe, possibly fix that fuckery so I can get back to bidness!!

Sheeeeeyut!

September 14, 2011 at 3:48 pm 1 comment

Why Cleveland, WHY?!


Are there truly no more great ideas?
Have all the creative PR stunts been tried?
Is atoricity the new aim?

Frealz, Cleveland!
You have a golden opportunity to do something great, to be legendary, to make history … and you go with The Fuggie?!?

But you did — at Snuggie Night at The Q on Friday, where every person who walked into Quicken Loans Arena received a free maroon Fuggie to create a new Guinness World Record for most fleece blankets of one color in one place: 20,562.

At least one Detroit fan brought his own blue fug rug with the Pistons logo on it, while a few Fuggie haters HEROES refused to participate and sat defiantly in what I am absolutely positive were the most awesomely amazing street clothes ever worn by any person in the history of mankind. EVER!

Guinness adjudicator Danny Girton verified the new fleece blanket record in the first quarter, and praised the Cavaliers’ original idea dumbass fuckery.

“Anybody, anywhere at any time can attempt a Guinness World Record at any time and become a world hero in their own right,” Girton said.

Yes – they can!
And there are a LOT better records out there than outfitting yourselves in the most awfult ensemble in the known universe, Clevelanders!!!

Like Radhakant Bajpai of Naya Ganj, Uttar Pradesh, India who the gods blessed with the longest, most lavish ear hair!
<— Look at that hotness!
C’mon guys – you’re CLEVELAND, for crying out loud! Surely there’s some mullethead in your midst who can top that?!

Or Gary Stewart who rode the clouds and created a legacy when he claimed the record for the longest pogo jumping record in all of the entire earthly realm!!
You guys can’t find some clodhopper west of the Cuyahoga jump rope or blow bubbles for a couple of days?!

And France’s own (now dead but for other reasons) Michel Lotito, who holds the coveted Guinness record for weirdest diet for eating nothing but metal and glass from 1959 until his death in 2007. Since 1966, dude ate 18 bicycles, 15 grocery carts, seven TV sets, six chandeliers, two beds, a pair of skis, a low-calorie Cessna light aircraft and a computer.
He is said to have provided the only example in history of a coffin (handles and all) ending up inside a man. By October 1997, he had eaten nearly nine tons of metal!!!

Metal Health’ll cure your crazy
Metal Health’ll cure your mad
Metal Health is what we all need
It’s what you have to have

Oh yeah, Clevelanders!
That mangia may not be as tasty as pierogis or Polish Boys but ya gotta admit THAT’S the kind of go gettery that earns you the kind of universal adulation befitting a Guinness title!!!

Or this one. 😉

But a multithousand menagerie of misfits masquerading as men (women and children) of action when all they did was get snugged up in a fug rug just 100% totally misses the mark of true merit in my book.

Eh, but kudos or nice try or whatever and all.

SOURCE

March 8, 2010 at 11:01 am 4 comments

WWRKD?


Sitch: My boyfriend announces an Eight Billion Dollar guarantee for a nuclear power plant in Georgia.
Reax: It is good all around and everyone agrees that it is.

Sitch: He announces it using a bipartisan approach.
Reax: It is good all around and everyone agrees that it is.

Uhh, well, yeppers on everything ‘cept the ‘Obama’ part … at least for that state’s two GOP senatewhores.

Sens. Johnny Isakson and Saxby Chambliss (R-etards, GA) issued a seven-paragraph, 392-word joint statement, lauding the initiative.
It was good all around and they both agreed that it was.

But nowhere in that seven-paragraph, 392-word statement did they ever use the words “president,” “Obama,” and/or “White House”.

Jay Bookman of the AJC surmises the two “just couldn’t bring themselves” to agree with Obama by name.

How old are we?

February 18, 2010 at 11:07 am 3 comments

WHAAAAT?!


I don’t know whether to laugh, cry or be so afraid I soil myself — but I think the smart money is on an all-out crying jag complete with full-blown conniption in the middle of my cul-de-sac for all the world street to see.

Why?

I …
I …
Oh god, I can’t even say!

ACK!

Ihadasexdreamaboutjohnmccain

OK, there. I said it.

ACK!!!

How did this happen?
How could this happen?
Did I drink too much specially spiked Cookie Kool-Aid during the Super Bowl?
Did I consume something so spicy it rendered me completely clueless – even during my R.E.M cycle?

I’ve been giving myself the third-degree all day!
I just don’t know!

But there I was, in my dream, looking over a proposed redistricting map of Palm Beach County working up a good rage over the scheme.
In the room were several political figures, including Charlie Crist (who I know good and well why I wasn’t propped to bump fuglies with *wink wink*) and John McCain.
I’m looking at the map, gettin’ my ‘You bastards will never get away with this’ ‘tude when all of a sudden Big Mac is behind me and … well, peepaw is 100% proppin’ me and EWWWWWW!!!!!!!

Whatinthegoddmanedmutherfuckingbloodyhell?!?!?!
I …
I …
I can’t go on!
What does it mean?!

Republicans are raping America? Fucking us where we stand with our pants on?!

That’s got to be it, right?

RIGHT?!?!

You have to tell me that’s right because otherwise I’d be afraid it meant something vomitus extremus and I’d worry I’d have to turn in my bleeding-heart liberal commie pinko card, which I will never surrender willingly!

Oh please – someone help me — is there some magic elixir out there I can use to wipe clear the apparent and thoroughly twisted corners of my sick, sick mind?
If so, take pity and help a sister out – email that fix to mmmm.lifeisacookie@gmail.com

February 8, 2010 at 11:22 am 6 comments

Ridonkulously Retardified!!!


This whole retarded debate over the use of the word retarded to describe shit that actually IS retarded is 30 shades of RETARDED – so fucking stop it right now with the back-and-forth blah blah over it!

Folks lost their gat damned minds earlier this week when it was reported that *OH NOES* White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel used the word when he told a group of liberal activists that it was “fucking retarded” for them to run ads attacking against some Democrats.

GUESS WHAT GOOBERS? IT IS!

And then the hooha over David Carney – consultant for Texas Governor Perry – saying it was retarded that one of the candidate holding rooms for a debate would be in a separate building from the debate venue.

NEWSFLASH: IT IS!!

Retarded is a great word! I say use the shit out of that bitch!
I mean, it’s just like fuck [fave], bitch [ultrafave], boob, kicks, dig, buzz, gank and so many other fantabulous phrasiological forms because it, too, can wear many hats!

STOP!
GRAMMAR-TIME!

It can be used as an adjective to describe Rush Limbaugh a person who is retarded.
It can be used as a noun to describe a group of people who are Republican retarded.
It can also as a verb to describe something that is hindering progress – which, if you really think about it kiddies, could apply to the statements from either Emanuel or Carney.

But wait. There’s more!

Retarded is also widely used in everyday life by everyday people everyDAY to describe a thing, a person, an object or an action that is a waste of time, bogus, cheesy, dense, empty-headed, flighty, groundless, hopeless, ill-advised, juvenile, kooky, lame, menial, nonsensical, obtuse, pitiful, raunchy, screwy, trifling, unintelligent, vacuous, weak, or yucky.

Yup! It’s a multi-tasker like that. It’s just how it rolls.

M’kay, pumpkins?
We all clear now?

February 5, 2010 at 11:04 am 14 comments

Older Posts


This is the shit you bitches are reading


Creative Commons License
Lifeisacookie is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 3.0 United States License.


%d bloggers like this: