Posts tagged ‘retard’
Dumbass of the Day
A Florida man – separated from the missus for a measely four days – couldn’t handle not gettin’ handled and decided the most prudent way to procure the poontang was to go full-retard and TAKE IT, BITCHES!
The 24-year-old was *SHOCK* drunk when he went to the house where his bride was residing, removed an air-conditioning unit, climbed through the window and proceeded to TAKE IT, BITCHES!
‘Cept the little woman brought the ‘Hell Naw!’ to that action and called the cops on his alked-up ass.
When police arrived, Drunky McStupid walked away from them, refused to provide identification and was *SHOCK* put in handcuffs.
After being cuffed, he told the officer that he “has not gotten any in three weeks and he was going to get some.”
He was taken to jail – where is he will *SHOCK* surely ‘get some’. 😉
A Senior Moment – of AWFUL!
Megacoot Roger Stephens has to get his perma-grimace in gear today and face the judge after being arrested earlier this week for cuffin’ a kid at the local Wal-Mart.
Taking a break from his daily regimen of screaming ‘GET OFF MY LAWN!” at the neighborhood chirruns, the 61-year-old Stone Mountainer was out shopping for Faded Glory jeans or Equate-brand laxatives or whatever the fuck it is people go into that hole to buy when a wailer on Aisle Three got him twenty kinds of AARPissed!!
According to the police report, Stephens gave the kid’s mom fair warning that if her spawn didn’t shut it he was gonna take care of that business himself.
Which is just what he did when his meds didn’t kick in he lost his gat–damned mind and slapped the woman’s two-year-old daughter ‘several times in the face’.
“See, I told you I would shut her up,” he reportedly crowed as mom brought the ‘Oh no you di’int!!!’ and screamed for security as another shopper stopped the spiteful senior.
Mr. Crankypants was arrested and charged with cruelty with children in the first degree.
And that’s a slice of big ol’ felony deliciousness, y’all!
He may not like the kiddies but he better learn to get along with L’il Trinny and ‘The Man’ down at Gwinnett County Correctional!
Dumb Bitch AND *bonus* Dumb Fuck of the Day
While you were busy with normal Fourth of July customs (like eating barbecue and corn-on-the-cob and dressing the fam in various and sundry American Flag paraphernalia and giving your 8-year-old a fiery handheld pyrotechnic device to play with) two twits in Tampa were busy going crackhead crazy as their preferred method of quality family holiday fun.
<— James Maymi and Virgen Lopez had a date with —>
dumbass and nothing was gonna get in their way!
Himbecile and the chowdahead had plans for some early morning drag-racing — because helllooooo – that’s what you do when you drive super-spiffy primo wheelage like a 1990 Acura and a 1988 Honda.
Fuck your Chevy and your souped-up ‘Stang, man! Nothing says badass like a two-decade-old four-door!
Well, not unless it’s a two-decade-old four-door with some supa-foin Safety 1st kiddie seats stapped in!
And aren’t you just shocked to know that’s just how Maymi and Lopez like ’em!?!
These two plonks were haulin’ behbehs around while they cranked it at about 100 miles per hour down the Courtney Campbell Causeway.
::: I bet those kids were ridin’ REAL dirty after about 80 mph :::
Oh, but then the cops showed up and busted the little pavement party.
Now, it’s just a guess, but I’m thinking dude won the race because, I mean, ok, sure — Lopez was charged with being a dumb fucking crackwhore bitch for racing her hoopty around with a two-year-old in tow – but Maymi plays this shit on a whole other level!
He’ll see your two-year-old and raise you a toddler!
::: Boo-ya! :::
But times have changed and cornering the market on monstrous moronitude doesn’t have quite the caché it used to.
Especially when the meth money runs out.
So, while the DB had enough child support and W.I.C. tickets to make bail, the DF’s gonna be busy makin’ new friends and having romantic jail sexies while he waits for a date with justice.
Ahh, holidays …
BAD Penny!
What is this?
Oneupsmanship Week?
First we witness master moron Renee Vanalsburg stright up clobber reigning douchebagette Genine Compton in our sacredly senseless Dumb Bitch category and now we find that some callous cow named Penelope Jordan is giving Robert M. Rozenti — the de facto Awful Offspring poster child — a serious run for his money!
<— Rozenti, you may remember, is the gross muddascunt who was arrested in January and charged with neglecting his 90-year-old mother, who was found emaciated, left in urine-soaked clothes and wearing shoes that had grown into her feet!!!
Jordan, on the other hand, is the putrid progeny who was discovered this week to have kept her mother’s mummified remains in their home for so long that the woman’s skin fused to the fucking mattress!!!!!!
::: yes, deserving of six exclamation points :::
The unholy bitch told police she never reported mummy’s death because she “couldn’t afford burial expenses” … and that shit might have even been the teensiest bit believable if she hadn’t also been cashing the not-so-dearly departed’s Social Security checks for years and years and years.
A complaint about nuisance cats tipped off authorities that something wasn’t right at the Jordan ‘stead. An animal control officer removing possibly feral felines there called police after finding the front door open with no one home.
But Penelope the prevaricator was there when the cops arrived and gave them some cock-and-bull canard about her mother’s whereabouts before extending the outrageously inane invitation to ‘come inside’.
And after wading through wall-to-wall debris, investigators found poor old and definitely dead 96-year-old Timmie Jordan — still in her nightgown — her skin fused to the mattress.
Penelope is charged with fraud and grand theft and is being held in lieu of $20,000 bail Tuesday at the Indian River County Jail.
You know, if there is any justice in the world, ya gotta hope ol’ Penny finds herself sharing a cell with some truly savage soul who has a predilection for pervy whores and likes long shanks in the shower.
Ya gotta, right?
Well, I do …
Grifa grief
Get ready for Michael Phelps’ ‘Splishyboy Apology World Tour of Anguish’!!!
Aqualung was caught tokin’ the tube during two days of way hard partying last November with some gold diggers students at the University of South Carolina in Columbia.
I guess he thought it was all good since November is typically “a quiet time in the swimming calendar when athletes would not expect to get tested for drugs.”
Well not so fast, Flipper!
One of those ho’s had a camera and snapped you doing some seriously non-role modely shit.
::: Dude — Celebrity Drug Addict’s Rule #1: Pat ’em down before you bed ’em down … :::
I bet his peen was so embarrassed that it called in sick and crawled all the way back inside his body cavity because once his spokesbitch hit him with the knowledge that News Of The World had the photo — faster than you can say ‘Duuuuuude … hehe … wai … whaaaaaat???’ – Bongboy admitted to the ‘regrettable behavior’.
In a statement released to The Associated Press, The Ocho said:
“I engaged in behavior which was regrettable and demonstrated bad judgment. I’m 23 years old and despite the successes I’ve had in the pool, I acted in a youthful and inappropriate way, not in a manner people have come to expect from me. For this, I am sorry. I promise my fans and the public it will not happen again.”
Aww c’mon dude — it’s not like you were doing snowcaps or crazy eddies … riiight?
Don’t worry – I’m sure those endorsements, book deal and mommy’s Chico’s contract will all be juuuust fine.
I mean, it’s not like you’re some lowly working-class fucking commoner – the kind who’d be 45 kinds of deep-shit busted for doing that kind of illegal-type crap with, you know, peeps who are, like, underage and all!
HELL TO THE NO!!!
Could you just imagine the totally chaotified pandefuckinmonium that would happen if we held celebritards to those ‘real world’ standards and consequence-type things?!?!?
HAHAHAHAHA!!!
Noooo – of course you can’t …
This is the shit you bitches are saying