Posts tagged ‘reporting’

ALL HAIL BB!!


Yesterday bore witness to a mighty feat!

A Major Accomplishment!!

A MONUMENTOUS EVENT!!!

… and you missed it …

… a fact that would normally make me put on a big ol’ boo-hoo frowny face for you, except — this time — I don’t have to.

Because you were saved.

SAVED!

Saved by my Birmingham Buddette — who’s name shall remain a secret but who’s initials are The Most Magnificent Mom and Marvelous Motorist Extraordinaire To Infinity EVAR!!!!

SAVED!

Because she’s a hero like that.

ALL HAIL BB!!

Because while you and Flo Rida were gettin’ your collective ‘Good Feeling’ on, she was diverting DOOM by keeping her shit all kinds of together while witnessing nothing short of all-out hitchhiking hijackery — on her windsheild!

BEHOLD!

Hitchhiking Hot Slut

Questions abound!

How was the runaway reptile able to sustain the shanghai at speeds in excess of 70 miles per hour?!

How did my Birmingham Budette manage to operate her automobile under such dire circumstances?!?

How did that lizard stay latched on for more than 20 miles?!?!

How many of you motorists passed this public phenomenon – completely unaware you could have borne witness to one of the most treacherous treks in all of known history dating back to the  invention of the WHEEL in the most ancient of times?!?!?!

Ohhhh, make no mistake about it, people!

THIS will undoubtedly go down as one of history’s GREAT mysteries!

Because the critter certainly has no comment and my Birmingham Buddette’s far too fly to divulge the deets before the book deal’s done!

… and you missed it

ALL HAIL BB!!

March 27, 2012 at 3:34 pm 2 comments

THANK GOD the Sun Sentinel is there!


When serious news happens, I’m all THANK GOD the Sun Sentinel is there!

And what was it this Saturday, March 17, 2012?

Egypt’s Pope Shenouda III going all kinds of dead at age 88?
::: nah, those mourning masses meant twelve kinds of APPARENTLY NOT MUCH! :::
The 8 NCAA men’s basketball tournament games being played?
::: puhleeze – 80 gozillionthousand people screaming about busted brackets – BOOOORING! :::
Supremely sinister shit STILL going down in a bad, bad way over in Syria?
::: uhh, like no ‘n stuff?! it’s Syria, not SoFla! :::
St. Patrick’s Day observer’s out gettin’ their green on and going batshit bazoinkadork in shades of beryl and bice all over the gat damned place?
::: get real. like $4.55 BILLION in expected retail sales is interesting in this continued new great depression or anything! :::

Nope.
None of that pesky “actual news” even lives in the same hemisphere of being nearly as noteworthy as the in-depth exposé on what is indisputably THE most important issue ever to face the people of Earth, the United States, the East Coast, Florida, Broward County, Tamarac!

NEWSFLASH!
There are slow drivers out there — and they are frustrating!

And I’m all THANK GOD the Sun Sentinel is there to wade through the uncertainty and confusion of this MAJOR STORY!

Apathetic automobile operators have produced nothing short of all-around yawns an all-out affront to life as we know it!
The people have spoken and they are easily placated pissed — they are out there reacting when provoked to respond to this non-event by beat reporters with nothing better to do.

And, you know,  I’m all THANK GOD the Sun Sentinel was there to break it down in easily-digestible chunkletts!!!!

“Slow drivers are really a hazard,” said John Bowman, a spokesman for the National Motorist Association.

FEEL THE PANIC!

Joshua Rotenberg, of Fort Lauderdale, says he wonders why slowpokes aren’t “pulled over and slapped for being discourteous.”

SENSE THE OUTRAGE!!

“I get upset and wish them a slow death,” one reader said via Facebook.

FEAR THE VENGEANCE!!!

“It’s frustrating but it’s not worth ruining my day over,” said Darren Short, a delivery truck driver from Boynton Beach.

BRACE FOR THE CALAMI … wait. What?

“A lot of the time, it’s only a matter of a few seconds or minutes before the slow driver will turn off,” AAA’s Michele Harris explained.

Troopers agree! They say when encountering drivers committing the dastardly deed of deliberately dawdling during your day to just use your turn signal and change lanes.

Whew! Crisis averted!!

And I’m all THANK GOD the Sun Sentinel is thereor whatever …

March 19, 2012 at 6:16 pm 1 comment

J-School for TV 101


TRUTH!!

February 2, 2010 at 11:04 am 10 comments

Slapped in the face by OBVIOUS


snapshot-2009-01-06-19-17-45Fresh off my most excellent SITE OF THE WEEK super-mega-ultra glue-sniffing endorphine high – I went running, y’all!!
::: … when the bottle’s empty and you’re out of sniffy snax there’s not much else to do except crank out some junk miles … :::

Sweating out the Stoli toxins was just what I needed to clear the mental clutter before my daily ritual of hyper-caffeinated newsiferous updatification!

* ) Some dumb bitch is suing ‘cuz another dumb bitch called her a skank
::: if it walks like a skank and talks like a skank … :::

* ) Crappy schools in Georgia are asking teachers to return their equally crappy ‘raises’
::: … because the children are our future … :::

* ) Hospital leaves part of knife in woman’s head
::: Now THERE’$ your law$uit!! :::

* ) Study: Exercise Won’t Cure Obesity
::: OMG! OMG! DUH OVERLOAD!!!!!… :::

Seems some Loyola University doodooheads suffering from a severe case of Publish or Perish Fever felt their wisest course of action would be to retread the already very, very, very, very, VERY well-trodden ground of  investigatory weight-loss researchification.
::: Ten-Yur! Ten-Yur! :::

And what, pray tell, were the shocktastically shockingly shockworthy findings of this groundbreakingly original investigation???

“Evidence is beginning to accumulate that dietary intake may be more important than energy expenditure level. Weight loss is not likely to happen without dietary restraint,” said a Loyola nutritionist who really needs to leave the Ivory Tower and mingle with the masses every now and then.

WILL HUNTING MOMENT OF TROOOTH!!!

Ya wasted a year an’ dropped two-hundred grand on a fuckin’ study ya coulda got for a dollah meal deal at fuckin’ McDahnolds, bitch!

January 7, 2009 at 4:44 pm 10 comments

Things that make you go ::: Hmmmmmmmm :::



With the glaring exception of a lawyered-up Mary-Kate Olsen, investigators have interviewed everyone connected to Heath Ledger and his death – including his doctors, the masseuse who found his body, bodyguards, housekeepers, business associates and Michelle Williams, who is mother to his 2-year-old daughter, Matilda.
::: Hmmmmmmmm :::

“Everyone has been very eager to help, saying what a great guy Heath Ledger was, everyone except  Mary-Kate, who has refused to speak,” one source said.

The New York Post says MK is all hell to the NO about being interviewed by the feds investigating the accidental drug death of her ‘close friend’ unless she receives immunity from prosecution.
::: Hmmmmmmmm :::

Immunity? That’s odd, isn’t it?

Sources tell the Post that ‘all of the drugs in Ledger’s body and those discovered in nearby prescription bottles were legally obtained from two physicians – with the exception of OxyContin, a powerful painkiller.’

But where did the OxyContin come from???
::: Hmmmmmmmm :::

“Did it come from a dealer, from a friend?”
::: Hmmmmmmmm :::

“If he had a bottle from a friend, was it taken by someone else before police responded?”
::: Hmmmmmmmm :::

before. the. police. arrived

Mary-Kate was the first person called when the body was discovered and – like the good,  ‘close friend’ she is – she dutifully called 9-11.

Wait … no.
That’s not right.

She called backup.

Reports show that “instead of calling emergency responders after getting the call from her masseuse, Olsen telephoned her bodyguards in the Big Apple, telling them to race to Ledger’s Broome Street home.”
::: Hmmmmmmmm :::

Sniff test = fail

August 4, 2008 at 6:06 pm 1 comment

Dare to compare


I had some fun earlier this week when one area rag cut some copy editing corners, resulting in a headline hee hee.
This morning I’m doing something similar with a blotter item  – only don’t wait for the hee hee. It’s not coming.

Laziness like this – and on a damn blotter item – is just aggravating as hell.
But, hey, I haven’t finished my coffee yet, so maybe it’s just me …

Exhibit A:

Exhibit B:

July 17, 2008 at 2:03 pm 5 comments

‘No Shit’ headline of the day


huh?Michelle Obama, Cindy McCain are study in contrast

REALLY!?!
Ugh

But hey, at least there’s something to read there … unlike this nugget from yesterday.

Seriously — it’s gonna seem like FOREVER until the election if this crap is supposed to pass for ‘news’.

June 10, 2008 at 10:15 am 4 comments


This is the shit you bitches are reading


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