Posts tagged ‘report’

J-School for TV 101


February 2, 2010 at 11:04 am 10 comments

United States of IOU?

California better reckonize!

That bitch has been out there behaving like a first-rate famewhore on the red carpet – totally hogging the ‘We Suck at Solvency’ spotlight! But she better step to the side because hers isn’t the only game in town anymore!

Oh ho no!

A new study by the Pew Center found that double-digit budget gaps, rising unemployment, high foreclosure rates and built-in budget constraints have brought Arizona, Florida, Illinois, Michigan, Nevada, New Jersey, Oregon, Rhode Island and Wisconsin to the precipice of joining Cali in the pageant of impovrished places pockmarking the American landscape.
::: Ten’s a crowd! :::

These states are fucked financially for basically one of three reasons:
1. They rely too heavily on one type of industry
::: diversity of DIE :::

2. They have a history of persistent budget shortfalls
::: finance FAIL :::

3. They face legal constraints that make it too hard to implement major changes, such as tax increases
::: judiciary JAM-UP :::

And it’s all a big ol’ bunch of SUCKS TO BE THEM until you realize that this mess is five slices of Serious Shit Pie  because these piss-poors combine to account for more than one-third of the entire, whole and complete nation’s population and economic output.


“Decisions these states make as they try to navigate the recession will play a role in how quickly the entire nation recovers,” one of the Pew peeps professed.

NO PRESSURE GUYS … but, uhh, could you get with the A program, so all of America doesn’t have to keep suffering?!?

Pretty please with a big ol’ stimulus check on top?


November 13, 2009 at 11:11 am 4 comments

Post … toasted?

I don’t even know why anyone bothers reading the local rag anymore.

While converting oxygen to carbon dioxide this afternoon, I decided to check out the local newspaper’s online product and hooboy howdy let me tell you — what a colossal fucking waste of time THAT was!

Aside from being visually accosted by a ginormous Kim KardASSian jpeg occupying what would (on any other website) be the ‘lede’ slot, as well as being force-fed some hellish looking booking mugs (all begging ‘click me – click meeeee because we think meaningless clickage we don’t know how to monetize is TOTALLY where it’s at!!!’) I noticed one of the many all-important ‘we’re-on-top-of-things-bringing-you-the-latest-must-know-info!!!!’ “NEW” gifs on the homepage.

Hooray! New information!!

  • Did the FED make a rate cut?
  • Did my local city council pass a new resolution?
  • Are they working on fixing the voting glitches identifed countywide?
    WHO CARES! There’s bigger news out there:
    Martin County woman reports puppy stolen

  • … and with that I had to (once again) lift up
    The Palm Beach Post in prayer.

    Not only has the pub proven it doesn’t care about little things like being comprehensive, topical, easy to use or – god forbid — LOCAL …
    ::: Ask a Local … anyone? :::
    Not only has it shown it can’t compete locally …
    ::: Post Geography Lesson: Boca Raton is NOT in Palm Beach County :::
    The daily, lameass slapped together output underscores,
    highlights and puts in bold that it’s a product that doesn’t even know where to begin to try and compete.
    ::: and we had such high hopes … well, ok, we actually didn’t … :::

    One thing is clear – the powers that be have gone balls to the fucking wall in favor of the old ‘Pasta Method’ — just throwing any old horseshit online to see what might stick.

    The result?
    The site is Teflon.
    ::: good for cookware, bad for market share :::

    Was the same true of other rags?
    I shamefully admit I was curious! So I used the nifty tools at to do a quick and down-n-dirty looky-loo.

    Comparing monthly visits at, and over the last year it’s grim-reapery apparent that the end is probably, more than likely, gonna have to be soon.

    See how Dayton’s at least snagging monthlies in the million range? Small by web standards, but respectable enough, I suppose, considering how extremely late in the game newspapers decided to join this wacky  Internet fad …

    But then you look at the sad little Post and Sentinel numbers — not even half a mil — not even a quarter of a mil! Yet even in the ‘Itty Bitty No-Hitty Committee’ category — the Sentinel smokes the Post month after month.
    ::: well, if nothing else – they’re consistent! :::

    Then I compared monthly unique visitors – *heavy sigh*

    See that blue flatline at the bottom? That’s the Post … kinda says it all, doesn’t it?

    Now, do you suppose that perhaps, just maybe in the teensiest of little ol’ ways that this ‘news’paper site’s inability to attract ‘news’ viewers could be because there’s barely any NEWS going on there?
    ::: and I’m not talking about the same stale shit you can get any everywhere else … :::

    Do advertisers want to be aligned with booking mugs? Well, maybe bail bondsmen — too bad none bought space …
    Does a retarded  ‘Dancing with the Stars’ recap in the lede news slot (as opposed to a more appropriately placed teaser) make web users want to go out and spend money locally? Dunno — I was expecting a tie-in ad, perhaps a dance studio slam spot. Instead I got nadda.

    Which is just what I’ve come to expect from my hometown disaster – nadda.
    And, looking at the numbers, I’m not alone.

    Note to the Post:
    Let us know when you figure out what you wanna be when you grow up – a newspaper or a gossip sheet.
    ::: I hope it’s a newspaper because PBC could actually use some meaningful local copy … oh, and we already have Dlisted, Mollygood, Jossip, Defamer, The Superficial and so many others for our daily dish – ‘kay snookums? :::

    You can lead a horse to water, but unless you can sell that bitch something while she’s there your CPM and ROI are gonna be MIA …
    … the Post must think that’s not really a BFD …

    September 23, 2008 at 9:28 pm 5 comments

    Things that make you go ::: Hmmmmmmmm :::

    With the glaring exception of a lawyered-up Mary-Kate Olsen, investigators have interviewed everyone connected to Heath Ledger and his death – including his doctors, the masseuse who found his body, bodyguards, housekeepers, business associates and Michelle Williams, who is mother to his 2-year-old daughter, Matilda.
    ::: Hmmmmmmmm :::

    “Everyone has been very eager to help, saying what a great guy Heath Ledger was, everyone except  Mary-Kate, who has refused to speak,” one source said.

    The New York Post says MK is all hell to the NO about being interviewed by the feds investigating the accidental drug death of her ‘close friend’ unless she receives immunity from prosecution.
    ::: Hmmmmmmmm :::

    Immunity? That’s odd, isn’t it?

    Sources tell the Post that ‘all of the drugs in Ledger’s body and those discovered in nearby prescription bottles were legally obtained from two physicians – with the exception of OxyContin, a powerful painkiller.’

    But where did the OxyContin come from???
    ::: Hmmmmmmmm :::

    “Did it come from a dealer, from a friend?”
    ::: Hmmmmmmmm :::

    “If he had a bottle from a friend, was it taken by someone else before police responded?”
    ::: Hmmmmmmmm :::

    before. the. police. arrived

    Mary-Kate was the first person called when the body was discovered and – like the good,  ‘close friend’ she is – she dutifully called 9-11.

    Wait … no.
    That’s not right.

    She called backup.

    Reports show that “instead of calling emergency responders after getting the call from her masseuse, Olsen telephoned her bodyguards in the Big Apple, telling them to race to Ledger’s Broome Street home.”
    ::: Hmmmmmmmm :::

    Sniff test = fail

    August 4, 2008 at 6:06 pm 1 comment

    Automakers predict drop in sales

    Omigod omigod omigod!!!!! The bigwigs at Chrysler are totally gettin’ their psychic freak on!!!
    They are up there in their officey-type enclosures divining information the rest of us can only take wild guesses at!

    “We’re going to report much lower sales versus last year” for the month of June, Chrysler’s Jim Press told reporters.


    How did he know?!?
    June just ended yesterdaySPOOKY!!

    No Money“Industry analysts expected Chrysler and nearly all other major automakers [except Honda] to see big sales drops for June.”

    What is going on here?

    Are they all reading tea leaves?
    Has someone visited the Oracle of Apollo at Delphi?!?
    Did Nostradamus predict such a happening??!!??
    Is this prophesy the product of a cold reading? A hot reading? Or, perhaps, an illooooosion?!?!?
    And can you sense the overt sarcasm by my abundant over-use of question marks AND exclamation points – TOGETHER?!?!?!?!?!!!!!
    What could it beeeeeeeeee?????!!!!!!?????!!!!!

    Oh wait … that’s right.

    Gas costs a gozillion dollars a *&%%$#@! gallon, layoffs are as common as summer teevee reruns, food prices are through the roof (which would be the roof you can no longer afford) … so, like, riiiight man, I get it now.
    Broke ass broke folk (i.e. YOU) aren’t buying cars.

    Umm, like duh and stuff?

    Way to pump a no-shit story, wire services!

    July 1, 2008 at 2:51 pm 4 comments

    This is the shit you bitches are reading

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