Posts tagged ‘religion’

Immaculate Deception

… if only you knew this yesterday before you wasted three hours in church, eh?

August 17, 2009 at 10:42 am

How do you say ‘Hypocrite’ in German?

Heuchler, is it?

The BBC is reporting that a Roman Catholic bank in Germany has the sorries after admitting it bought stocks for *oopsies!* tobacco, birth control and weapons companies.


These shocking revelations come after some reporter types over at Der Spiegel newspaper got their investigative journalism on and discovered that Germany’s Pax Bank had invested in the British arms company BAE Systems and that it also plopped the monies down for American baby blocker Wyeth and a few bakky pimps, just for good measure.
::: And you thought it was prayer keeping the church alive …  😉 :::

A bank spokesman admitted that the investments were “not in keeping with ethical standards” but mea culpa’d that the whole dreckig affäre was really just the sorry result of a clerical error, so it’s not like they were doing anything actually wrong.
“Unfortunately in a few internal reviews, the critical investments in question were overlooked – we deeply regret this.”

Well … ok then.
You didn’t mean to achieve super sinner status with your shifty stock selections. It was an accident!!!
All will be forgiven!!

Go, children … just be sure to say 17 Hail Marys, 12 Our Fathers, 4 Acts of Contrition an Anima Christi and throw in a couple Glory Be and Hail Holy Queens for the hooker and hooch investments yet to be uncovered.


August 3, 2009 at 12:46 pm 1 comment

Oh Good God!


These ‘sightings’ have gotten out of hand and it’s time for me to lay my infinite wisdom upon you – so sit back and get ready for the knowledge, bitches!

For the record:
You can believe in yourself.
You can believe in a higher power!
You can even believe in something you can’t see, feel, touch, taste, smell or quantify in any way whatsoever using words, symbols or rudimentary hand gestures!!

But for the love of all that is good, holy and not hindered by a fantascially phenomenal mind-altering chemical experience – stop trying to convince yourselves, your kids, your pets or me that you’ve found some kind of shitty substitute for salvation in your salamiat the local car dealership or on your kitchen floor!

You didn’t – and if I sound just a slight shade of pissed it’s because the latest religiously retarded spiritual sighting comes courtesy of someone who seriously ought to fucking know better … someone professionally trained to turn a cynical eye on just this type of false-idol fuckery – A JOURNALIST!

vmary1Jonathan Tilove says he found none other than the original hot slut herself – the Virgin Mary 
in his Washington DC office this week.
::: At least the bitch is working, right? :::

“I went back to the [Cox news] office to pack the rest of my boxes and clean out my cubicle. And there it was, on my desk, a coffee stain in the image of the Virgin Mary. I was a little surprised. Why me? I’m Jewish.”
::: Helllooooo! Does the phrase ‘the chosen ones’ ring any bells?!? :::

Tilove detailed several theories explaining why his Lord and Maker might give him this special gift — including the fact that his lazy ass “provided the medium for the appearance of the coffee-stain Madonna by allowing the remains of a cup of coffee to slowly leak out of a paper cup and then only casually blotting up the spill with an old notebook.”

Well sure!
Because the All Powerful frequently rewards carelessness and sloth with significantly sacrosanct sightings.
Happens all the time!


Know what I see when I look at Tilove’s ‘Coffee Madonna’?
Strawberry Shortcake … or maybe one of those Precious Moments whores …
… but the Blessed Virgin Mother of God?

Oh Hell No!

So listen up snowflakes – ‘cuz the Cookie’s calling bullshit on this righteous rigamarole once and for all!

Your delusions aren’t divine – they’re dopey.

God isn’t some carny sideshow and he doesn’t need to go all Wonder Twins to get your attention, mm’kay?

Don’t get me wrong (and put the pitchforks down) – faith is good and religion’s totally groovy and I’m Ok/You’re Ok and blah blah fucking blah … but the guiding hand of God is not steering your sorry ass toward a special message in a cloud, your shoelace or that damned cowlick you saliva down every morning.

He’s not.
It’s true.
Deal with it.

But hey, don’t just take MY word for it …


May 7, 2009 at 1:29 pm 3 comments


geezusHoly shit!
That’s one manly Messiah!

What seductively suggestive soul — sure to soon be locked in a forever dance of doom with the devil — designed this provocative piece of plastic?!?

I bet it was a nun.

Oh you KNOW it was a nun!
Those bitches prolly have boners on the brain 24-7! 

And who could blame them?? They are married to the man, right?

Go for it, girls!

Hell, this bad boy beats my dashboard Redeemer any day! I’m totally looking for this shit on eBay and putting in a bid!

Just be warned if you decide to get one for yourselves, kiddies …
I hear you can go blind just from touching it …

March 30, 2009 at 2:18 pm 5 comments

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