Posts tagged ‘religion’

Happy Birthday Big Jeezy!


And to those of you who didn’t get what you wanted … deal.

It’s not time to clock out just yet. 😉

252_22958_9fa125f460bb81d861f4e5f086eaae58

Merry Merry!

XOXO — Cookie

P.S. – Cookie Toss This Week 😉

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December 25, 2012 at 10:26 pm

Pat Robertson is not getting laid – but you knew that


Old and Busted: Telling people you’re religious
New Hotness: Telling people you’re spiritual

Why?
Because religious people are unattractive!

Are so!
And now there is serious scientifical researchification to prove it!!
::: Not that I actually needed serious scientifical proofification – having grown up in the Bible Belt and having a firm understanding that faith and religion are two separate things and that people who go ’round jawbonin’ ’bout religion are usually a fug bunch of hyper-judgmental, bigoted jackbags that I’d sooner opt for eating shit-covered shoe leather than listen to their blah blah any day … but it’s good to have it for backup!  WOWEE! Did you know I can see downtown from the top of my soapbox!?! 😉 :::

Aaaaanyway … according to the results of a wide-ranging mental cavity search of more than 15,000 North Americans recently published in the über-pfft Personality and Social Psychology Review, people tell others they are ‘spiritual’ so they’ll seem more attractive — especially to folks they want to make fuckey times friends.
::: … mmmmaybe, but a nicely wrapped package is a surefire attention getter … just sayin’ … :::

The survey’s author, Constantine Sedikides, says people subconsciously paint flattering pictures of themselves by revealing they have inner spiritual beliefs.
::: I used to do it by revealing the inner lining of my thong, but whatever – this could work too I guess … :::

The practice is quite pervasive in the United States and Canada, the two countries where Sedikides found it is most beneficial for people to let others know they are “intrinsically religious” because desirability – he found – goes down faster than the Philadelphia Eagles in the postseason if people portray themselves as “extrinsically religious.”

Uh huh – that explains it!
PROOF:

SOURCE

January 21, 2010 at 11:12 am 5 comments

Prayz Jezuz


Oh Mississippi – you assbackward bumbled bunch of statehood, you … how you do amuse me.

PROfoUnDLY plodding through life last among all states when it comes to health care and tirelessly trolling the bottom waters of public education — that ‘We’re Number ONE!’ flag you fly as the fattest in our federation now has company!

WOO HOO!!!

A new study from the fine folks over at the Pew Research Center says you, Mississippi, are also Numero Uno among the God Squad of American states.

That’s right, homegirl — you’re tops in two! Whoddathunkit?!

Pew’s Forum on Religion & Public Life used polling data in four categories to rank states for the survey: the importance of religion in people’s lives; frequency of attendance at worship services; frequency of prayer; and absolute certainty of belief in God.

Mississippi — sanctimonious little slut that you are — stood out on all four measures.

SUPERACHIEVERY SPECIALICIOUSNESS!!!

Eighty-two percent of the ‘Sippians said religion is very important in their lives.
::: yeah, but so are hamhocks and backfat … :::

Sixty percent said they attend religious services at least once a week.
::: well, I ‘spect it’s easier than math homework … :::

Seventy percent said they prayed at least once every day.
::: after they go Wal-Mart’n, that is … :::

And a whopping, supreme among all states ninety-one percent of Magnolia Staters said they believe in God with absolute certainty … which no one can dispute is a fucking goddamn miracle considering how amazingly alarmingly little else they know with absolute certainty.

Oh yeah — ya ain’t done shit in this life, girl, but theyz rewahhdz a’comin’ in the afterlife!
HOOooooooodawgeez!

December 30, 2009 at 11:17 am 5 comments

God is good ’till he gets your ass FIRED!


Newspaper Headline: Home Depot worker wears ‘under God’ button, then gets fired

Story (nutshell version): Guy wears ‘One nation under God’ button to work at Home Depot, gets verbal warnings to cut it out but nothing happens ’till he starts bringing his Bible to the biz — then things got all employment terminationey and now he’s whining that Home Depot is anti-God and anti-troops.

Editorial Comment: Seriously?
This shit again?
Not news.

Bottom Line: You tried to get away with something. It didn’t work. Get over it.

Like most businesses, Home Depot has a dress code policy states noncompany buttons, regardless of their message or content, are not allowed.
Don’t like it? Don’t work there.

Company spokesdude Craig Fishel said Home Depot has a “proud history” of supporting the military, and that it sanctions several of its own buttons for employees to wear, including one that reads: “United We Stand.”

United We Stand … yep, I think that’s generally regarded as a universally supportive sentiment. Uh huh.

But Trevor Keezer’s buttonation wasn’t really just about supporting the troops.
“You can’t have country without God,” he said
::: actualy, Trev – you can :::

“Every pin they showed me had no ‘God’ on it or anything.”
::: OH GOD! :::

“I was told [my button] had to come off, or I would be sent home. So they sent me home for six straight days without pay. And then today they terminated me,” he said.
“It never crossed my mind to take off the button because I’m standing for something that’s bigger than I am.
::: Hmmm, bigger than you are … maybe I use that copout so I can wear my ‘Republitards are child touchers’ baby tee to work … :::

“They kept telling me the severity of what you’re doing and I just let God be in control and went with His plan.”
::: Looks like God’s the new Donald Trump, biatch! :::

Keezer says he didn’t set out to make a religious statement [yes he did], but now that he has, he believes he’s done the right thing. [Of course he does – he has to! It makes the unemployment line more tolerable.]

Listen kid, you must just be really new to the whole world of work … so let me break it down for you:
Employers actually do have the right (and sometimes obligation) to tell your hourly ass exactly what you can and cannot wear — otherwise we’d be run amok with camel toe, Daisy Dukes and decolletage …
::: Passable on a Saturday night at One Eyed Jack’s but not so much for the 9-5 :::

… or worse! — Klan garb, religious ridiculousness or *ACK* Palin paraphernalia!

Trust me kid — nobody wants that shit!

SOURCE

October 26, 2009 at 2:43 pm 7 comments

Pubic Servant


KarzaiHi!
My name is Hamid Karzai.

I like being President of Afghanistan, bowing to political pressure and giving support to hubsters in my ‘hood who wanna get their spousal starvation on!

REMEMBER TO VOTE FOR ME THIS WEEK!

Sad.
But true.

This is what happened:
Human Rights Watch discovered just last week that a revised version of the Shiite Personal Status Law had been *shhh* quietly put into effect at the end of July.

This is why it sucks dick (or, rather, why she has to):
The law gives Shiite men in Afghanistan the legal right to starve their wives if their sexual demands aren’t met. It also mandates that Shiite women must get their husband’s captor’s permission to even leave their houses, “except in extreme circumstances.”
::: and by ‘except in extreme circumstances’ they mean ‘except when he razor-rapes her and lights her hair on fire … THEN it’s ok to leave … maaaayyyybe’ :::

Oh but it doesn’t matter now.
See — unlike America where campaign promises go *POOF* as soon as the oath is orated — political allies in Afghanistan get to re-write whole laws ‘n shit if they have enough clout to keep your Ben Kingsley-looking ass in office.

asifmThis latest gem was the brainchild of that hot slut himself — Sheik Muhammad Asif Mohseni — the country’s most powerful Shiite cleric, who along with other ‘gina-haters were pretty pleased their ‘Bitch Better Blow Me Or It’s Starvation City!’ provision made it through, but reportedly had a serious Shiite-fit when their pedophilic plans to allow pervs to marry girls younger than 16 met with the legal hell naw.
::: Can’t win ’em all, gents! :::

H’i’mabit Kraizee signed the misogynistic measure because he’s an evil, soulless sellout dependent on support from Mohseni in this week’s presidential election.

Abdullah Abdullah, anyone? Anyone?

SOURCE

August 18, 2009 at 10:53 am 7 comments

Immaculate Deception


… if only you knew this yesterday before you wasted three hours in church, eh?

August 17, 2009 at 10:42 am

How do you say ‘Hypocrite’ in German?


Heuchler, is it?

The BBC is reporting that a Roman Catholic bank in Germany has the sorries after admitting it bought stocks for *oopsies!* tobacco, birth control and weapons companies.

OH NEIN!!

These shocking revelations come after some reporter types over at Der Spiegel newspaper got their investigative journalism on and discovered that Germany’s Pax Bank had invested in the British arms company BAE Systems and that it also plopped the monies down for American baby blocker Wyeth and a few bakky pimps, just for good measure.
::: And you thought it was prayer keeping the church alive …  😉 :::

A bank spokesman admitted that the investments were “not in keeping with ethical standards” but mea culpa’d that the whole dreckig affäre was really just the sorry result of a clerical error, so it’s not like they were doing anything actually wrong.
“Unfortunately in a few internal reviews, the critical investments in question were overlooked – we deeply regret this.”

Well … ok then.
You didn’t mean to achieve super sinner status with your shifty stock selections. It was an accident!!!
All will be forgiven!!

Go, children … just be sure to say 17 Hail Marys, 12 Our Fathers, 4 Acts of Contrition an Anima Christi and throw in a couple Glory Be and Hail Holy Queens for the hooker and hooch investments yet to be uncovered.

SOURCE

August 3, 2009 at 12:46 pm 1 comment

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