Posts tagged ‘redneck’

I just threw up a little in my mouth

According to the San Francisco Gate, American Idol ditzball alum Kellie Pickler (AKA Pammy Lite) and Waffle House smackdown king Kid Rock have been dating for more than a year.
::: doesn’t that, like, automatically qualify her as engagement material?? :::

I really hope this isn’t true.
Because I kind of like Kellie.
You have to like someone who can market the shit out of one-range vocals and two plumpified breastesez. It’s like a law.

Now if we could just get that bitch to quit the love before someone gets hurt …


July 2, 2009 at 10:33 am 2 comments

Southern progress?

You know it’s gonna be a long day when the first thing you read is a tale of retarded racist redneckery so egregious you fall out of your chair and land squareass on the Pergo under the Mac.
::: I did. I’m ok. Thanks for asking. :::

Today’s tale comes from landlords Wilber and Julie Williams – a couple who help put the ASS in Tallassee, Alabama one good ol’ boy day at a time.

These two twits sling stupid so well they got the attention of the U.S. Department of Housing and Urban Development (HUD), which charged the degenerate duo with violating a nifty little piece of legislation we like to call the Fair Housing Act after they forced a white couple to move from a rented home because they were seen …
… doing drugs in the den?
::: nope – try again! :::
… pimping ho’s out the house?
::: nuh uh – try again!! :::
… selling babies off the back porch?
::: Negatory!!!! Try again!!!! :::
… talking to a black couple in their front yard?
::: DING DING DING — we have a winner!!!! :::

The whole mess began back in February when the cankerous couple rented a house to Melissa Jones and her family. Things were going along just fine until one day in May when the Frankenpair did a drive-by at the exact moment that *gasp*  BLACK PEOPLE were visiting with Jones!!!
::: How shocking in these modern times and all – right?  Oh wait … it’s Tallassee … I think they’re still holding out for a Confederate win … :::

According to Jones’ statement to HUD authorities, her bias bitch of a landlord later called her demanding, “Those people need to leave. I don’t want them on my property.”

One week later Judgmental Julie is said to have called the renters again — only this time her phone conversation was recorded.
::: I you, technology!!!! :::

The phone transcript is said to show Julie Williams saying, “If y’all want to have African-Americans to visit, we’re going to ask you to move … this has never happened with any renters that we’ve had … It’s not fine on our property.”
::: someone’s got her Klan robe in a BIG ol’ twisty bunch!! :::

The case goes on to state that Jones told her landlord she wasn’t just friends with black people — but that she had family members (bluud tahz, y’all) who were of mixed ethnic background. She says she was then told to “go ahead and move before the rent’s due for July.”
::: K …K …K’mon! Really?:::

Melissa Jones told HUD authorities that the McCainiac called again in July to pressure her into moving, telling her, “You should live in the projects if you want to interact with those people. I will sell the house if I have to in order to get you out. I don’t care if you made a complaint to HUD, you have to move.”
::: yew kin hav mah kohled ded hart wen yew prah et frum mah kohled ded bohdee :::

The couple moved the first of September.
If a U.S. Administrative Law judge finds the depraved defendants guilty he can award damages for actual loss, emotional distress, humiliation, and loss of civil rights.
::: YE$ :::
The judge can also add civil penalties and a federal district court judge can award punitive damages if the defendants are found guilty.
::: YE$$$$$$$ :::

Let’s all lift Melissa up, Up, UP in prayer so that she may receive actual, real, hardly-practiced-in-the-deep-South, 21st Century-style justice and not just some nastyass rotting doublewide, a pair of wooden dentures and a tattered Farmer’s Almanac.

Can’t hurt to hope …



October 15, 2008 at 2:46 pm 44 comments

As goes NASCAR …

Forget bank failures.
Nevermind the mortgage meltdown.
Disregard the crippling credit crisis.

If you want to know just how really awfully terribly bad it is out there, look no further than NASCAR.

Estimates from Sports Illustrated and Associated Press reporters at Sunday’s AMP Energy 500 in Talladega showed attendance might have been down as much as 50,000 from last fall’s race.
::: Well that ain’t no good look! ::: 

“The crowd is way down. The backstretch grandstands are half full,” ESPN analyst Marty Smith confirmed.

Oh No! … Oh Yes!
The cheap seats backstretch grandstands were *GASP*  less than half full on race day and the front-stretch grandstands had ‘numerous pockets of empty seats including the two end sections that were virtually empty’.
::: the end is nigh! :::

You high fallutin’ types may not understand the significance of empty seats at Talladega, so let me break it down for you: It is a sign of the apocalypse every bit as ominous as plagues, pestilence or Paris Hilton’s new perfume.

We are talking all-out, Defcon 5, the bar’s out of Bud-style PANIC here people!!

Empty seats at Talladega means:

  • Cleetus, Belva and their bunch couldn’t make the trailer payment AND fill up the Chevy.
  • Darryl had to decide between Tony Stewart and the Piggly Wiggly.
  • Joe Sixpack had to choose between drinkin’ his paycheck and drivin’ it.

  • This is serious!

    When folks can’t pay for enough gas to fuel the F-150 all the way to the track so they can sit and watch guys drive in a circle for 6 hours and waste a whole lot more gas — well, it don’t take no rocket scientist, metal shop fabricator OR hockey mom to tell you shit is bad, y’all!

    October 6, 2008 at 2:42 pm 1 comment

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