Posts tagged ‘random’

I WANT ONE!!!


I am so jealous!

Chloë Sevigny has what can only be described as THE perfect accessory for summer – her very own drag queen!

I AM SO JEALOUS!!!

I mean, it’s not just that I deserve my own drag queen — WHICH I TOTALLY DO – it’s also that I have EARNED that bitch, goddamnit!!

Is a drag queen not a living caricature?
::: Me :::

Does a drag queen not live to entertain??
::: ME :::

Are drag queens not all hairspray, fabulosity and sequiny-superspecialness???
::: MEEEEEE!!! :::

  • I know the difference between a Bottom and a Top!
  • I can rock that look better than La Palma himherself!!
  • And my appreciation for the arts is indefatigably undeniable!!!
  • The obvious obviosity of me being deserving of of my own drag queen cannot be more … well … OBVIOUS!

    Come on Donna Summersault or Eineeta Lay — I’m ready!!!

    May 23, 2010 at 7:49 pm 4 comments

    Mr. Cookie APPROVED!


    When Mr. Cookie and I go for walks through our neighborhood we routinely pass pet owners guiding leashed dogs along their morning/evening stroll.

    And we used to do the same thing with our most perfect dog in the world EVER before he moved to the great dog-walk in the sky two years ago.

    Except we did it with a pooper-scooper.
    A really cool spring-loaded one that made it easy to handle the business end of the canine constitutional.

    Not so much with most of the poopers we pass these days.

    Coming across random caca at the crosswalk has become common.
    Detecting deposited dung is now just part of the drill.

    And hey — when ya gotta go ya gotta go and all — but how hard is it really to manage that mess?

    Apparently harder for some than others — and the poopetrators in my neighborhood aren’t alone.

    According to Tennessee-based BioPet Vet Lab, 40 percent of dog owners don’t pick up Products of Uranus. With 75 million dogs in the U.S., that adds up to 15 million un-scooped poops — that is if Mr. Preshuss only makes mud bunnies once a day.

    And in Baltimore – there exists an excretor so egregious that the Scarlett Place condo board is proposing DNA testing on all canines in the complex just to get control of the crap!

    “We pay all this money, and we’re walking around stepping in dog poop,” said resident Steven Frans, who is clearly tired of random chocolate kisses. “We bring guests over and this is what they’re greeted by.”

    If the pooposal passes, dog owners would pay $50 per pup, covering the costs of tests and supplies, and an additional $10 per month for the cost of having building staff scoop the poop. Scarlett Place staff would then send the samples to a Tennessee-based company called BioPet Vet Lab.

    Using all the dog swabs, BioPet would create a doggie doo database. The samples would be used to identify the the dastardly depositer who left the colon cookies and the owner would have to pay a $500 fine.

    SHIT!

    Kinda makes that spring-loaded googe-grabber look good right about now, eh? $15.99 … in stores now!

    SOURCE

    May 20, 2010 at 1:41 pm 25 comments

    Timing is everything


    Republican Mark Souder (that undeniable hot piece from Indiana) is resigning today because he was caught having naughty sexy times with a part-time staffer.

    Enjoy this clip of him being interviewed by said staffer about why we need abstinence education.

    gooOOOOOO FAMILY VALUES!!

    May 18, 2010 at 6:17 pm 5 comments

    This is some Cirque du Soleil shit!


    Don’t hate.
    Admit it — these bitches are BADASS!!

    May 17, 2010 at 10:03 am 3 comments

    You Won’t Wish You Were Here


    Ever had one of those moments you wish you could rewind and go back to before it ever happened and do the one crucial thing that didn’t happen in the first place to prevent it from actually happening?

    I had one of those this morning.

    Mr. Cookie and I have a routine on some Saturdays where we end up at the beach the very first thing in the morning. It’s a nice way to start the day — especially for people like me who (for the past several months) simply cannot sleep.

    It’s relaxing.

    Well, usually it’s relaxing.

    This time it wasn’t.

    This time I saw two people die at the beach.

    An older couple – Barbara Agelatos, 57, and Denis Agelatos, 70 – from Albany, Georgia drowned in an unguarded area of a local public beach — caught in rough surf and dangerous rip currents they couldn’t escape.

    It’s just a sobering thing to witness – even from too far away to really know what’s happening … but let’s be honest, you know what’s happening.

    I wish I could go back to the moments just before they walked into that water. I wish I could have been there to caution them against wading into that water. I wish anyone had.

    I keep thinking about the Agelatos in that water together. In trouble in that water together. Trying to help each other out of trouble in that water. And knowing that water was winning.

    I keep thinking about their family and hoping they are able to find some peace in this saddest of situations … but let’s be honest, they probably won’t for some time yet.

    I think about the two men who worked tirelessly to help them until more help and the police and paramedics arrived … and I hope those two men know how amazing they are for doing all they could just in an impossible situation.

    I think that’s all I have for today …

    May 15, 2010 at 10:00 pm 6 comments

    Apparently, I don’t heart me


    I work.
    I work a lot.
    And (like it’s a big secret here at LIAC?!) lately I am working more than ever.

    I say I don’t mind.
    It’s project-related.
    It’s not long-term.

    But I kind of mind.
    And Mr. Cookie REALLY minds.

    For all of the good reasons you’re already thinking.

    Plus one.

    According to a new study, I’m screwed.

    See, a bunch of big brains over at the Finnish Institute of Occupational Health and University College London pooled their gray matter to do some serious CSI-type researchification on the long-term damage being overworked can do.

    It was no great revelation that being overworked is bad for you.
    That’s the kind of 2+2 shit I can work out in my own head.

    What was just the teensiest smidge of uh oh was reading that people (like me) who work more than 10 hours a day (HAHAHAHA – only TEN? Fucking lightweights!) are about 60% more likely to develop heart disease or have a heart attack than people who clock just seven hours a day.

    60%.
    I am so screwed!

    The study followed more than 6,000 British civil servants with no history of heart disease for an average of 11 years.
    During the study, a total of 369 people had heart attacks (some of them fatal) or were diagnosed with heart disease after seeking medical attention for chest pain.

    I AM SO FUCKING SCREWED!!

    Fuckitalltohellandbacknow I need a drink … and I’d HAVE one too … if I wasn’t at work …

    SOURCE

    May 13, 2010 at 11:14 am 4 comments

    BEHOLD THE MAGNIFICENT PILE!!!


    Throughout the year — every year — things happen that let you know exactly where you are chronologically.

    You don’t even have to ask.
    You need only look and you know!

    When the sea of pastel stretches as far as the eye can see – Easter cannot be far behind.

    When I’m accosted by little girls dressed in green begging me to buy Shortbreads and Do-si-dos on my way into Publix — I know the annual monthlong child-labor church/school/community/other ‘let’s make a deal’ extravaganza has only just begun.

    When I see anything made of red felt cloth with white bushy anything around it — or holly, holly’s a dead giveaway — I know it’s July or August and retailers are working their ‘great value’ voo-doo to separate me from my Christmas cash before I can even say LABOR DAY!

    And when I behold The Magnificent Pile — I know the beginning of Hurricane Season is scant days away.

    And lo and behold – The Magnificent Pile appeared before me this very day!

    Actually – I spotted many such piles in my neighborhood but none are EVER as glorious, as spectatular a sight, as magical an ocular indulgence as The Magnificent Pile my neighbor assembles every year!

    Palm fronds, coconuts, bouganvilla and hibiscus!
    Overgrowth, mulch, moldy cypress chips and dead shrubbery!!
    ::: And citrus! Because we know how much rats loooove citrus!!! :::

    The Magnificent Pile knows no bounds!
    She welcomes all comers to decompose en masse in 100-degree weather atop the biggest storm drain in the cul-de-sac.

    Afternoon spring rains be damned!
    The Magnificent Pile will not be deterred.

    There is no great gardening need for my neighbor for six whole months!
    The probability of Mother Nature’s pissiosity devastating the dwelling my neighbor so loves is nothing more than a harmful thought for six whole months!!
    The likelihood of my neighbor losing insurance is a joke for six whole months!!!

    That’s party time in SoFla, bitches!
    No need for my neighbor to cut, snip, trim or rake for six whole months!
    That’s just how he likes to we roll.

    Until sometime before June 1 … when The Magnificent Pile appears like an angel of the Lord to let everyone know that the time of the impending and unforeseen is upon us and he we must clean and cull his our vegetative waste with all due haste …

    … or fear a sequel to the weather war that was 2004!

    Three weeks and counting …

    May 9, 2010 at 9:04 pm 1 comment

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