Posts tagged ‘puppies’

OctoGEDDON!!!


Fresh off my five-day cerebrospinal fluid imbalance-induced week of the most horrific hurt EVAR!!!!! — I take the first baby steps on my way to rejoining polite society only to be smacked in the face by America’s newest national nightmare:

Jon Gosselin did something un-Jon and Kate Plus 8-ey!!!

Oh.
MY.
GAWD!!

While I was making the climb back to civilization – the Learning Channel’s favorite bossy broodmare and her boring-ass bitch of a husband became gossip’s new golden couple after the lab-created dad was spotted gettin’ his drink and party on without the old ball and chain.

And because YOU were coherent and generally ‘with it’ last week — YOU already know what happened next …

Total.
FUCKING.
PANIC!!!!!

jonkateThe interwebs were going all apeshit with rumors of boozified cheateration, whoremongering and *gasp* divorce – but I was going all ‘This shit’s passing for news now?’
Frealz?!?

Because – no lie peeps – I can think of, like, a gozillion other things more deserving of my attention [H1N1 … economy … recalls … China …] and my ‘getting bent out of shape’ energies than some poor castrated nutsack enjoying a rare moment of freedom while the zookeeper’s away.

Nope.
Sorry.
You’ll have to do better.
I’m just a tough customer like that.

The only way this thing has any ‘mo is if Nadya Suleman is (even if it’s just in some small way) responsible — because that would just be a big, bold shade of hot mess AWESOMENESS!

No shit!
That kind of showdown would totally set my summer!

X-Men Origins? You’re outta here!
Terminator? Star-Trek?? Transformers??? Totally trivial!
And you, Harry Potter?!? PISS OFF, fuckbucket!!!

octofight1These breeders better start bringin’ the pain or I cancel ALL subscriptions!!!

You got me TLC bigwigs!?!

Unless you’re putting the final touches on the bitchslappiest KY-jelly-filled steel cage Mother’s Day smackdown in history — don’t even THINK about getting me to tune in for another one of Maddy’s meltdowns next season!

You bring me that hot Octo-on-Octo action I crave … or we’re THROUGH!

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May 4, 2009 at 5:05 pm 6 comments

Britney eats a puppy


Brooke Hogan filming on the campus of Florida Atlantic UniversityI’m sure she could – then she’d wash that ankle-biter down with Cheetoh-resin and Schnapps … but actually, this is Brooke Hogan filming some crap for some craptastic show on the campus of Florida Atlantic University … prolly the closest this bitch will ever get to ‘higher education’.

Are we sure The Hulkster didn’t have two sons and one just likes a plunging neckline and hooker heels?

She’s a tranny, right?? She’s gotta be. C’mon … she could totally be a dude … or Brit Brit herself with another 20-30 lubbs on her chin.
Damn girl — when a washed-up 26-year-old who can’t even be trusted to babysit her own kids (or wear a bra or underwear or be properly shod) looks better than you — why even get out of bed in the morning? 

Again — why is she famous?
Either one … 

April 26, 2008 at 12:40 am


This is the shit you bitches are reading


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