Cue Apple tankage in 3 … 2 …

Apple Inc.’s CEO Steve Jobs says he is taking a medical leave of absence  until the end of June.
::: Stay calm. I am sure there is no need to panic … :::

Jobs told employees in an e-mail that his health issues are more complex than he thought.
::: hmm … ok maybe that sounds a little like reason to get kinda panicky … :::

Last week, Jobs announced he had a hormone deficiency that had caused him to lose a crapload of weight. The rest of the world took it for granted he was lying to protect price per share and theoried the cancer he had years ago was back … with an agenda!
::: uh, gotta admit I’m starting to panic a teensy bit here … :::

Rumors of a cancerous comeback have been flying ever since he made a skeletal appearance at the launch of the iPhone 3G last summer and Apple’s stonewalling about the ‘health issue’ has been the  perfect accelerant for this giant pile of gossipy tinder.

The scuttlebutters went into an all-out frenzy in December, when the company announced at just about the last possible nansecond that it was pulling out of Macworld and, oh yeah, Jobs wasn’t speaking.
::: Macworld – Apple = RED FLAG ALERT!!!:::

But no, I’m sure it’s all ok. No need to panic. So the company’s stock takes a nosedive whenever he gets a sniffle [panic] because he is the de facto face of the company  [panic] and the entire planet basically credits him with every drop of success Apple and all of its products have ever had  [panic] and the company has zero confirmed plans of succession in the works or on the books or in draft status in some file on some iBook somewhere or something … [panic] so what, right?

I’m sure there’s absoutely nothing to worry about … nothing … at all … well, maybe just a little …
::: Sell Mortimer Seeeeellllllllllllll!!!!! :::