Posts tagged ‘prediction’

It’s official …


Keep those mittens and scarves handy folks – the fat rat has spoken!

Punxsutawney Phil rolled out of his hole this morning, glanced back, saw his shadow, took the obligatory grip-and-grins and then chunked ’em a deuce on the way back in.


BUNDLE UP, BITCHES!!

SOURCE

February 2, 2009 at 1:17 pm 3 comments

Crazy Ute Forecasts Doom


The most prophetic prophet (——->)
ever to prophesy about unknown futurey type shit you didn’t even know you cared about has a message for all you snotnosed little heathens:
God is sick of putting up with your crap, so act right or get ready for an epic ass kicking!!

Wow — goosebumps, right?!?

Eh heh — the Parowan Prophet himself [who?], Leland Freeborn [no really – WHO?], also wants you to know that our international symbol of peacification and hopitude, that hot piece o’ manflesh I refer to by the codename “boyfriend” – will not, in fact, be the next president.
::: well okayeeee then … :::

In a rambling, semi-coherent letter to the editor of ‘The Spectrum’ in St. George, Utah, Prophet Fruicake McNutjob reminds The Spectrum’s tens of readers that waaayyy back in August he prognosticated that if O’Baby lost the election “to expect to see the “Riots” that 2 Peter 2:13 tells us about. He didn’t lose. But the story is not finished yet. I still think they may begin the riots before Christmas 2008 as I said.”
::: … ‘cuz nothing screams Christmas like a good riot! :::

Soooooo, ok ok — let me see if I have this straight … we were totally gonna have riots if O’Beautiful lost but then he foiled that plan by going and winning in that historic landslide-type deal which, if you know your Bible, means we are totally definitely gonna be having some serious better-late-than-never riot action now.
Yes?

postitMmmmmohkaythen.
Oh well, with football season winding down, at least it’ll give us something to do …

“Some of the news media will say that riots are justified,” McNutjob blathers on.
::: ACK! Is he still here?!?  :::

“Now you know how much God is offended and just plain fed-up with our stupid excuses for not keeping all of his commandments in your Bible. Many readers will remember the many letters form me warning people.
Prepare now. We are downwind from Las Vegas. I hope you can survive.”

And, while I’m sure that missive qualifies him for a good, old-fashioned Baker Acting I also have no idea what any of his old-coot crazy blah blah has to do with Barry or Christmas or ham n’ cheese sandwiches or tire pressure or why I’m still waiting for that last Outkast album.

I do know that it proves what I’ve long suspected … 
Utah officials spike their water with shiny crystals of freaky alien kooktasticness …

Good to know!

December 15, 2008 at 10:03 pm 1 comment

Morning Quickie


My streak continues …

Chicago workers end window plant sit-in
“Laid-off workers at a Chicago window factory ended a five-day sit-in after banks agreed to lend the failed company $1.75 million for outstanding wages and benefits, union officials said Wednesday.”

Yesterday’s Prediction

December 11, 2008 at 11:18 am 10 comments

I see!


Well slap my ass and call me twinkie – I may not need the Tarot and ball, after all!! 

I predicted the Alaskan Hotness would be offered a snuggly (if short-lived) spot near the captain’s chair on the ol’ Straight Talk Express …

I also knew we’d all be standing in bread lines soon enough, so why pay Jenny Craig when food prices are shooting up so fast we’re all gonna starve on the government’s time  first …

And my divination of a web-only category for the Pulitzers???
Umm hmm, yuppers — that’s happening as well (and two years early, too!).

This is a huge slice of all-seeing AWESOMENESS!

I’ve got mad cerebral supersensory skillz, yo!
Miss Cleo better watch out, cuz I, like, know shit ‘n stuff!

OMFG – I KNOW SHIT, PEOPLE!!!!
::: Fall-back career – WHEEEEEEEE!!!! ! :::

I bet we are totally gonna get that call from Miriam-Webster any minute now!!!

… and those Lotto numbers … must. concentrate. HARDER! … 

December 9, 2008 at 11:43 am 4 comments

It’s time


Sooooooo I look at the calendar and it’s totally November 21, which means it’s my busy-bee worky (and football) time and I have only a few scant days to prepare for next week’s sainted and treasured annual homage to gluttony (and football) and well, I just really do not have this big mountain of available time for anything else!

Sooooooo even though I know there are, like, 9 days left and all – whatever – I am officially declaring the end of the 2008 Hurricane Season, like, NOW!

I mean, ok, so it wasn’t the season of colossal devastation everyone predicted and I’m all YAY and stuff about that, but let’s be honest — it did have its moments!
Ike.
Gustav.
That time I was sitting on the back porch when a Hurricane Hanna feeder band passed by Florida on the way to South Cackalackee and a big ol’ wind gust nearly toppled my wine glass.
::: that was a close one!! ::: 

But enough is enough. It’s time to move on.

I mean, seriously, who has the time?!?

Holidays.
Work.
Family Functions!
Social get-togethers!?!
Shopping!?!?!
TRAVEL!?!?!?!

ACK! Too much!!

Sooooooo … I am sorry –but I have wayyyyyy too much on my plate to fit in worrying about some not-gonna-happen-late-season-storminess.
Nuh uh.
Nope.
It’s done.

I decree it. It is so.

You may now return to your regularly scheduled day …

November 21, 2008 at 2:20 pm

Sex me, Genie!


I may fight like a girl but, according to the Bookblog’s Gender Genie, I write like one butch bitch, y’all!

Instead of rubbing a magic lamp, this genie uses a sort of dumbed-down version of some boring, long-ass algorithm (developed by Moshe Koppel, Bar-Ilan University in Israel, and Shlomo Argamon, Illinois Institute of Technology, blah blah blah) to predict the gender of an author of a blog entry or works of fiction or nonfiction.
::: Scientifical!! :::

The caveat is that the Genie’s ‘best guesses’ come from text submissions of 500 words or more.
::: that must be whenthe X and Y chromosomes come out to play :::

The genie thought Jason Beghe Deathwatch was written by some kind of tranny or something. At 427 words, it was almost too close to call:

Female Score: 533

Male Score: 520

=

BITCH!

But Ciao Homeless People! – at a gender-bending 508 words – skewed male!

Female Score: 620

Male Score: 737

=

BUTCH!

The genie sees gyna whenever I talk about my boyrfriend but thinks I’m bringin’ the peen about half the time I dish on Big Mac‘s Maverick Beefiness. What’s the dilly, yo?!?

Am I living writing a lie? Am I trapped halfway inside the virtual closet? Why is ‘with’ feminine while ‘what’ is masculine? And where does the genie stand on blogrish terms like peen, blabby or muddaskunt?

Inquring minds wanna know!

… and just in case you were wondering:
The Gender Genie thinks the author of this passage is: male!

::: I gotta go spit and adjust myself in public now :::

August 28, 2008 at 2:16 pm 3 comments


This is the shit you bitches are reading


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