Posts tagged ‘poll’

Wait. What?


The results of a new poll from the National Sleep Foundation reveal that roughly one in four Americans who are married or living with a romantic partner regularly feel too exhausted for sex.

Wait. What?
Sex helps you sleep better!
PROBLEM SOLVED!

The survey, which included more than 1,000 randomly selected prudes people ages 25 to 60, found – among other blah blah – that nearly a quarter of all of them said their work schedules kept them from getting enough sleep.

Wait. What?!
What better time to have sex than when you’re awake? I mean, I’m no Rhodes Scholar or anything but aren’t you awake when you can’t sleep?? Isn’t that your basic 2+2 situation or some shit?!
PROBLEM SOLVED!!

According to the survey, about 20 to 30% of Frigidaires respondents said their persistent lack of sleep often left them too tired for sex.

Wait. What?!?
Have we not already established that sex is best while awake and that sex promotes better sleep?!? Uhh, helloooooo!
PROBLEM SOLVED!!!

Don’t believe me?
Well then, quit making excuses and go do your homework, America!

SOURCE

March 11, 2010 at 11:06 am 7 comments

Does this reader poll make me look gay?


America’s new president?
That’s SOOO yesterday!

Collapsing world markets?
Isn’t that something  for other people to worry about?!?

Iran supplying weapons to Hamas?
Pffshh – Whaaatevuh!

Glamour magazine can’t be wasting time worrying over your ‘current events’ and crap — not when there are majorly serious interrelationary hookup-type scenarios yet to be fully exploited explored!!!

They assembled their collective braincell to tackle one such majorly serious interrelationary hookup-type scenario in their upcoming issue with … A READER POLL!!!
::: Yippeee — SCIENTIFICAL ‘data’ and shit!!! :::

Glamour magazine asked the 5 dudes who read Glamour magazine if they’d be willing to bump fuglies with Brad Pitt if it meant a sexy times green light with Angelina Jolie.
::: OMG! OMG! –  did they say they’re on board?? Is this a real possibility??? I AM TOTALLY ‘DOWN’ WITH THIS IDEA!!!!! …

81 percent of the liars readers who took part in the survey were all ‘I go Larry Craig for NO man!’ while the remaining 19 percent were all ‘Hell to the YEAH — just let me get the AstroGlide!’

So, basically, 1 out of every 5 penises polled would give Pitt a poke if it lead to some holey Jolie moments.
1 in 5 …

The other four of you are a bunch of  delusional lying liars telling untruths!
Seriously — WHO – besides yourselves – are you trying to fool here?

Anyone who denies they’d do anything less than sell their own children into Kathy Lee Gifford sweatshop slavery to bed that bitch is flat out a lying sack of useless desexed empty genetalia and I am calling you OUT!

This is Angelina Jolie we’re talking about, people!

She of the Magic Womb!
Mrs. Perfect Portions!!
The UN Ambassador of H-O-T!!!

Get REAL!!!
You have no choice but to surrender to her preeminently superlative sexual powers!

I mean, even that hot piece of manmeat I call Mr. Cookie knows he’d be 20 kinds of back on the market  if I even thought for the most micro of nanoseconds that there was a butterfly’s chance of making it through a high speed boxfan that Miss Purty Pout would give me the 1-2-3!

I know being down with some peen-on-peen isn’t everyone’s cup of tea — and that’s cool and all … but – in this case – I think we all need to step it back, chill it out, take some cleansing breaths and remember that God doesn’t like liars!
And you don’t want to piss off God, do you?!?!?

Noooo – of course you don’t.
So just admit you’d go gay to get some St. Ange strange.

It’s what God would want.

SOURCE

January 21, 2009 at 4:46 pm 13 comments

This aggression will not stand!


I am being bullied, people!

ohnomlkEhh, well maybe not ‘bullied’ but I am being told that my one-person, lameass ‘tribute’ to the heroic legacy of Martin Luther King, Jr., does not cut the mustard.

Oh sure — like what — you’re head’s gonna pop the fuck off if I put on my big girl panties for, like, 20 seconds?!?
::: I really can’t wear them longer than that :::

Did you not see the bigass ginormity of the photo I have there of MLK?!? LOOK — you see it!
And what about those three chunkifiably hearty links directly below the bigass ginormous photo of MLK?!?

GAWD!!!

I am trying to have a serious moment here and what do I get for my efforts to be mainstream … to be legitimate … to be fucking acceptible for the fucking kiddies for one fucking goddamned day?!?

I get emails all about ‘I don’t get it. Why is that funny?’  and ‘What the hell was that? That’s it?’ and ‘I don’t come here to be preached to’
::: Because (in order)  it is, it might be and of COURSE you do! :::

Oh — and I get a phone call from a certain green eyed girl who is, like, several kinds of ‘NOT HAPPY’ about today’s offering and how she needs ‘a long one today’.
::: … Oh god honey — don’t we all!! :::

So what to do?
Is the straight shit a no-no here?
You tell me!

January 19, 2009 at 4:38 pm 10 comments

Christmas Eve Inquiry


As Ol’ Man Winter puts the screws to holiday travel plans for thousands, Norad’s putting the final touches on this year’s hi-res Santa Cam to let the kiddies know – down to the nanosecond – just exactly when his jolly fatness will be droppin’ their loot.
::: YAY – SANTA LOJACK!!! :::

Google announced Tuesday afternoon that children — and even all the big kids out there — will be able to track St. Nick’s journey around the world using Google Maps and Google Earth.
::: Fat man’s comin! Fat man’s comin! :::

But for those not fortunate enough to travel on a craft fueled by positive thoughts, sugar and reindeer, Christmas Eve isn’t quite as fun … or easy.
::: You mean Detroit doesn’t make that model for everyone? ::: 

Snowstorms have crippled airports, highways and rail lines across the country, stranding travelers for hours, days and, in some cases – throughout the entire holiday.

We were on our way to the airport and my grandma called and said the flight was canceled,” said Blaine Skelton, 21, who spent last Christmas in Iraq, is stationed at Camp Pendleton and was traveling with his wife.

Skelton’s no longer counting on getting home for Christmas because the next available flight is three days after the holiday. Worse yet, this will probably be his last chance to visit family members before he is deployed again.

… which begs the question:

December 24, 2008 at 11:24 am 1 comment

In case you didn’t know


As of this morning, Christmas is, like, in 12 days … 
::: fa la la la, bitches! ::: 

 

That doesn’t leave a lot of time to deplete your savings and do your part to stave off this New Great Depression.

So have you been a good little boy or girl and stimulated the ‘conomy by bustin’ your kid’s piggy bank to buy yourself a Blu-Ray?

No pressure and all but time’s running out, you know. Tick Tock!

What’s his Jolly Fatness bringing you this year?

December 14, 2008 at 3:54 pm 7 comments

Party Girl


Did you know that a new poll shows 64% of Republicans say the Alaskan Hotness is their first choice to run for president in 2012?
::: IT DOES! THEY DO! :::
*** And, I’m gonna go out on a limb here and guess that 100% of Democrats, Independents, Moon-Worshippers, Pixie-Dust Inhalers and other World Dwellers concur!  ***

Reading the poll results (nearly choking on my coffee) my first thought was President … of the PTA? … of the Adopt A Polar Bear Cub Club?!? … of the Hottie GILFs (population YOU, girl!)?!?!?

But NOOOO! They’re, like, of America and stuff!! And I’m all ‘HAHAHAHAHA!!!! Oh GOP, how you amuse me with your wacky party jokes!!’ … until it dawns on me that they’re frealz on this one and then I’m all ‘WHOA! They are serious as a Dick Cheney heart attack!’

FAAAAANNNN-TASTIC!!!!

palinwinkFor the record: I’m on board – GO FOR IT, GIRLEEN!!

Run baby, run!
Run like you’ve never run before.
Run until your little Alaskan muklucks fall off.
Run to towns big and small all across this great land of ours and religionate the peoples; ethify the base and spread your rogue maverickness to the masses!!!!

I’ll even donate because what surer guarantee can I have of my boyfriend locking in a second term by Christmas than the promise of an “I can do whatever I want until the courts tell me I can’t” Cam-PALIN-Palooza!

OOOHH YAH!
YOUBETCHA!!

November 10, 2008 at 2:43 pm 2 comments

The whole world in his hands


According to a new BBC-sponsored GlobeScan poll, the world has tasted what Barack is serving — and the world likes it!

“Large numbers of people around the world clearly like what Barack Obama represents,” said GlobeScan chairman Doug Miller.

Well duuuhhh! Of course they do!!
Every time my boyfriend opens his mouth – cute little puppies, butterflies and rainbows fly out! Who doesn’t like puppies, butterflies and rainbows?!?

Republicans – that’s who!
They like war and guns and the death penalty and crazy, naughty bathroom time and … well, they’ll just piss all over your cute little puppies, bite the wings off your butterflies and relegate your rainbows to those crazy, naughty bathroom times they don’t talk about.
::: tappy tap tap … :::

“… only one in five think a McCain presidency would improve on the Bush administration’s relations with the world,” Miller said of his poll’s results.

And my bleeding, commie, pinko heart totally gets that.

But the teeny skeptic I keep locked inside my deeply troubled mind thinks the world may want to go back to school for a little remedial Ass-Kissing 101. You know, just in case Big Mac and the Alaskan Hotness come out on top in November.

Imagine a world where the out-of-place, insecure, picked-on kids everyone hates win the class election and suddenly have oodles of power and cool, destructive toys at their disposal.

Yeah, that’ll  end well …

September 12, 2008 at 12:53 pm 1 comment

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