Posts tagged ‘personal’

It’s cute when they get a clue …

After more than 100 years of devoted service and loyalty, the Heinz pickle is being pushed out.
::: HARSH! :::

heinzpickleOh sure, Heinz tried the old ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ routine, but even before the pickle got a peek at the plump, juicy tomato taking her place the vibe was out that hers was a role she could no longer relish.

“With all due respect to the pickle, which has served Heinz dutifully for 110 years, it’s time to shift the focus on the tomato,” said Noel Geoffroy, director-Heinz ketchup.

OK, I know my vodka-tonic lunch  has a dulling effect, but lemme see if I’ve got this straight …
After more than A HUNDRED YEARS they now think it’s time for the tomato to be the focus on the label of their TOMATO ketchup?!?!?

heinztomato“While most people have enjoyed the great taste of Heinz [tomato] Ketchup, many people don’t know that Heinz tomatoes go into each bottle of ketchup,” Ms. Geoffroy said.
::: … and when you say ‘people’ — just which aboriginal tribe of indiginous tree people would that be??? :::

“The new design featuring a vine-ripened tomato and a tagline of ‘Grown not made’ emphasizes our deep dedication to tomato quality from seed to bottle,” she said – reiterating what experts, analysts, think-tankers, marketers, salesmen, p.r. drones, office lackeys and copy machine repairment  have apparently all just recently discovered …

… are you ready?
No seriously — this is some mindblowing shit I’m about to lay on you and I’m just not sure you can handle it.
Maybe you should sit down …

… are you sitting down?
Ok …

According to some newly uncovered cutting-edge technological research, consumers identify vegetables with health.
::: WHO KNEW?!? :::

“Consumers are looking for a more natural experience,” Credit Suisse analyst Robert Moskow said.
::: SEE? PROOF!! :::

And Heinz is just the latest to jump aboard the Train of Obvious Obviosity.
::: TOOT TOOOOOOOT!!!!! :::

Two weeks ago, the fine folks who make Classic Lay’s decided the time had finally come to confess the closely guarded super secret password protected little known fact that their potato chips are actually made from *GASP* POTATOES!!!
::: GET OUT!!! :::

Well, once the guys at Tostitos heard that they were all ‘we can confidently reveal that our corn chip products are, indeed, made from corn’ – which got the peeps running Tropicana 12 kinds of disclosionary, talkin’ ’bout how their orange juice is actually made, like, 100% from real oranges … that grow on treesin orange grove-type places!!!

What’s next?
There are actual oats in my Quaker Oats? Real chocolate in my chocolate chip cookies?!?


** But if there are actual tots in my Tater Tots, keep that shit to yourselves …

January 22, 2009 at 6:57 pm 6 comments

Does this reader poll make me look gay?

America’s new president?
That’s SOOO yesterday!

Collapsing world markets?
Isn’t that something  for other people to worry about?!?

Iran supplying weapons to Hamas?
Pffshh – Whaaatevuh!

Glamour magazine can’t be wasting time worrying over your ‘current events’ and crap — not when there are majorly serious interrelationary hookup-type scenarios yet to be fully exploited explored!!!

They assembled their collective braincell to tackle one such majorly serious interrelationary hookup-type scenario in their upcoming issue with … A READER POLL!!!
::: Yippeee — SCIENTIFICAL ‘data’ and shit!!! :::

Glamour magazine asked the 5 dudes who read Glamour magazine if they’d be willing to bump fuglies with Brad Pitt if it meant a sexy times green light with Angelina Jolie.
::: OMG! OMG! –  did they say they’re on board?? Is this a real possibility??? I AM TOTALLY ‘DOWN’ WITH THIS IDEA!!!!! …

81 percent of the liars readers who took part in the survey were all ‘I go Larry Craig for NO man!’ while the remaining 19 percent were all ‘Hell to the YEAH — just let me get the AstroGlide!’

So, basically, 1 out of every 5 penises polled would give Pitt a poke if it lead to some holey Jolie moments.
1 in 5 …

The other four of you are a bunch of  delusional lying liars telling untruths!
Seriously — WHO – besides yourselves – are you trying to fool here?

Anyone who denies they’d do anything less than sell their own children into Kathy Lee Gifford sweatshop slavery to bed that bitch is flat out a lying sack of useless desexed empty genetalia and I am calling you OUT!

This is Angelina Jolie we’re talking about, people!

She of the Magic Womb!
Mrs. Perfect Portions!!
The UN Ambassador of H-O-T!!!

Get REAL!!!
You have no choice but to surrender to her preeminently superlative sexual powers!

I mean, even that hot piece of manmeat I call Mr. Cookie knows he’d be 20 kinds of back on the market  if I even thought for the most micro of nanoseconds that there was a butterfly’s chance of making it through a high speed boxfan that Miss Purty Pout would give me the 1-2-3!

I know being down with some peen-on-peen isn’t everyone’s cup of tea — and that’s cool and all … but – in this case – I think we all need to step it back, chill it out, take some cleansing breaths and remember that God doesn’t like liars!
And you don’t want to piss off God, do you?!?!?

Noooo – of course you don’t.
So just admit you’d go gay to get some St. Ange strange.

It’s what God would want.


January 21, 2009 at 4:46 pm 13 comments

This aggression will not stand!

I am being bullied, people!

ohnomlkEhh, well maybe not ‘bullied’ but I am being told that my one-person, lameass ‘tribute’ to the heroic legacy of Martin Luther King, Jr., does not cut the mustard.

Oh sure — like what — you’re head’s gonna pop the fuck off if I put on my big girl panties for, like, 20 seconds?!?
::: I really can’t wear them longer than that :::

Did you not see the bigass ginormity of the photo I have there of MLK?!? LOOK — you see it!
And what about those three chunkifiably hearty links directly below the bigass ginormous photo of MLK?!?


I am trying to have a serious moment here and what do I get for my efforts to be mainstream … to be legitimate … to be fucking acceptible for the fucking kiddies for one fucking goddamned day?!?

I get emails all about ‘I don’t get it. Why is that funny?’  and ‘What the hell was that? That’s it?’ and ‘I don’t come here to be preached to’
::: Because (in order)  it is, it might be and of COURSE you do! :::

Oh — and I get a phone call from a certain green eyed girl who is, like, several kinds of ‘NOT HAPPY’ about today’s offering and how she needs ‘a long one today’.
::: … Oh god honey — don’t we all!! :::

So what to do?
Is the straight shit a no-no here?
You tell me!

January 19, 2009 at 4:38 pm 10 comments

Read, Remember, Reflect

Martin Luther King Jr.

King’s Nobel Prize
The King Memorial
The King Center

January 19, 2009 at 11:10 am 1 comment

Bring that hooker line and they’ll sink ya

So the Washington po po are all ‘prostitutin free zone’ for the inauguration‘ and I’m all ‘but now how am I supposed to pay for my trip?!?’

This puts a serious crimp in my plans, people!

District police have put signs up and down 5th and I Streets that read, “Warning, Prostitution Free Zone.” And anyone caught hookin’ it could be fined two BJs, a LipDip and an All Aboard 300 dollars — and possibly even jailed.
::: fuckers … HAHAHAHA not next week!!!! :::

But — like any good Washington-based legal thingamabob … there’s a loophole!
::: SURPRISE!!! :::

DC City Councilman Jim Graham said the signs are being used because officers cannot enforce loitering laws.

“Because this is focused, its limited in time, its aimed at a very specific issue, if you don’t move along, we’ll put you in the car,” he said.

Gotcha *wink*
… but you know that costs extra, right?

January 18, 2009 at 3:02 pm 2 comments

They usually don’t fall far


Ex-Blagojevich adviser pleads guilty

January 16, 2009 at 9:07 pm 5 comments

And the scary part? She’s serious!

This is the day you can thank your lucky stars that you aren’t yet locked in a psych ward survived long enough in the New Great Depression to be given the keys to the kingdom.

Take a seat and prepare to be amazed!!

San Francisco’s Mariposa Leadership Inc., has just released their 2009 You’re Fucked Any Way You Slice It Guidebook Game Plan to Conquer Fears and Down Markets — and CEO Sue Bethanis says business leaders can “not only survive but thrive ” in this shit hole economy if they adopt her two-pronged, six-step, no-shit, big-duh, blah blah, slap-me-in-the-face-with-obviosity plan.
::: YAY! A PLAN! WE’RE SAVED!!! :::

Short-Term Game — Be More Productive
::: mmm hmm, got it – productivity good! :::

“1. Calm down and assess your fears. Fear can shut a leader down OR can incite them to greater productivity — it’s all in how leaders frame feelings and thoughts. The best thing for leaders to do right now is slow down and assess how fear, itself, is hindering productivity.”
::: I fear our company’s 12th layoff will leave us with zero workforce, thus having a negative impact on productivity … does that count??? :::

“2. Become an efficiency champion. In a recession leaders need to pare back and do more with fewer resources. Before engaging in ad hoc cuts, though, they need to take a look at the big picture: what initiatives best support the mission of the organization? What processes are driving team members apart, rather than bringing them together? What tasks are redundant or unnecessary?”
::: The company is hemorrhaging money but the rank and file got pissy when we laid off that last thousand. But seriously – how else were we going to finance the officers’ year-end bonus?!? Corporate Catch-22 bummer!! :::

“3. Over-communication is key. This is not the time for leaders to disappear into their offices and resort to command and control procedures. All this does is breed rumors and hamper productivity. Increased transparency works best: Leaders should talk directly to their employees to identify and solve problems.”
::: Hi everyone! It’s me, Wanda, with your ‘Every-hour-on-the-hour Job Status Update’. It’s not 100% set in stone yet so I can’t say for certain that you’ll be losing your jobs, but that’s largely due to the delay in stone delivery. Otherwise we are five by five … until the end of the day earnings report is released and then we’ll be in ‘reassess’ mode. Stay tuned for the 4 p.m. update to the updated 3 p.m. update when we’ll try to update you further! :::

Long-Term Game — Be Innovative
::: YAY Innovation – out boomtime friend is back!!!! :::

“While corporations are making headway in their productivity, it is important to simultaneously focus on the long-term game: Ramp up innovation to thrive when the recession subsides.”
::: Be creative people! Don’t spend any money to do it but goddammit – BE CREATIVE – it’s our only hope!!! :::

“1. Clarify the strategic roadmap. It IS possible to prepare for the future without knowing exactly what it will bring. Teams which create alternate scenarios, and plan for how to respond to each, will be better positioned. Teams need to be involved in strategic planning, so the leader is not the one and only savior.”
::: Ok, so we can’t be sure it’ll happen, but if we DO have to cut the biz/dev group we’re gonna put Bob in charge of making that announcement since his group will naturally have to assume 100% of those duties with 0% of the pay. Everyone on board? Ok … 1-2-3 TEAM! :::

“2. Double-down on innovation with a “Think Tank.” Despite what may be a leader’s best instinct, now is not the time to retract and focus only on existing products and services. In order to survive the pruning of the recession-and to thrive once the recovery begins-leaders need to challenge the status quo and set aside resources for research and development to find the next breakthrough.”
::: Let’s allocate resources we don’t have that we can’t pay for and lock them away to put on their thinking caps to save the company and prepare for a future we probably won’t be around to see. Ok! Now, which cost center does that come out of? :::

“3. Retain your best people through creative engagement. This means give them interesting, challenging assignments and coach them to reach new goals. It also means giving them a level of autonomy and responsibility that allows them to thoroughly buy into the success of the company. The stronger their loyalty, the less likely great employees are going to jump ship. The best talent is mobile, even in horrible economic environments.”
::: Shit! We laid them all off last September! NOW WHAT?!? :::


January 14, 2009 at 12:42 am 5 comments

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