Posts tagged ‘patriotism’

Mock the vote


Sometimes I think my neighbors believe our electoral process is being watched by a little thing I like to call THE ENTIRE WORLD.
::: Sometimes I also think my neighbors have broccoli hair and are filled with pudding instead of lungs and connective tissue and stuff, but that’s another story … :::

Maybe it is, but if there’s one thing you can say about America it’s that we don’t care about the rest of the world. We ARE the world …
::: wait, we’re not?!? :::

And so, with barely five weeks to go and soooooo many issues in dire need of address (economy, war, economy, energy, economy, terror, economy, drugs, economy …) my neighbors actually think we ought to be knee-deep in thought-provoking discussions and debates on those issues.
::: HAHAHAHAHA — like THAT would ever happen! They’re so cute … :::

I bet they’d just love to sit their puddin’ butts down and listen to O’Baby and His Maverick Beefiness talk about boring things like fixing the economy or reducing our dependence of foreign oil or doing something in the Middle East or putting a chicken in every pot or some other bullshit – but where’s the fun in that, broccoli head!?!

Nowhere – that’s where! Besides, who has the time?

Between terrorist fist jabs and spinning words into chains of gold that rain down from the heavens as sunshiny rays of hopification for the massses – exaclty when would my boyfriend have a free moment for your precious ‘issues’?!?

And Big Mac and The Alaskan Hotness? The May-December Mavericks are the only patriots left in the whole country!! They can’t take time out from saving us from ourselves to pay attention to your crybaby political desires!

If you want to hear a bunch of blah blah about ‘issues’ and junk, I suggest you join the Comedy Central Party — the loudmouthed retarded bastard child of the American political process and the only  place you can get your fill of all the crap the other candidates won’t touch.

CC Party nominees Stephen Colbert and Jon Stewart won’t lie to you. Why would they? They don’t even know you! It doesn’t matter to them who you vote for.
Oh hell, for all they care – you can take your vote and shove it!
And, because they don’t care, you know you can trust them. See?
::: Ficticious comedianidates you can believe in! :::

YAY!!!!!
Noooo – I’m just kidding, broccolihead.
::: But not about Colbert and Stewart not caring about you.
They don’t.
Really. :::

I’m kidding about that whole political party thing.
::: kinda like the real candidates! :::
There are no comedianidates running for office.
::: I know, it’s hard to accept … be strong! :::

Sad to say, but the upcoming issue of Entertainment Weekly is probably closest that pair will ever get to the Oval Office.

On the cover, they’re either totally making fun of the moronic, retarded asshatedness that followed the controversial New Yorker Obama cover art back in July … OR … they’re making fun of making fun of the moronic, retarded asshatedness that followed the controversial New Yorker Obama cover art back in July … ORRRR … they really are militant terrorists out to get you!!!! 

HAHAHAHAHA – just kidding, West Virginians!!

Seriously guys, put your guns away!
It’s a spoof, you know? A parody? Made up stuff that’s supposed to be funny????

… mountain people …

Advertisements

September 26, 2008 at 2:54 pm 2 comments

Some advice for John McCain


Barack Obama is a lot younger than John McCain

Anyone but me see the potential for a Nixon-Kennedy type age/charisma/sweaty old man thing shaping up here?

Hey there Big Mac, you may be one sexy old beeyatch but get a damn makeover already!!

Seriously.

— The ruddiness of your geriatric paperskin makes your teeth look yellow. Bleach those Chiclets, will ya?
— Pluck or dye those scarybrows
— Tuck in the turkey-waddle
— And lose the combover, ‘kay? There’s nothin’ goin’ on up there. It’s ok. We know … you’re bald.

Take your Maverick Beef and go consult the expert maintaining physical stasis for more precise directions.
No – not Dick Clark! The old C-word herself — your wife, Cindy Lou, you silly!

Make an appointment and get your hot cross buns to a spa.
Git R Done, peepaw!

Trust me — you can benchpress a gozillion pounds on national teevee, armwrestle Schwarzenegger, swim the English Channel and Bungee jump the Empire State Building — but the moment you stand next to Barry the Beautiful you will look like America’s great uncle Nestor — the smelly old guy you prayed wouldn’t stand next to you in every family photo.
Ahh yes, Uncle Nestor — the geezer with the cold, shaky, age-spotted hands who remembers being the first family on his street to have a telephone, smiles sweetly when talking about penny candy and ‘talkies’ and falls asleep ten minutes after Sunday dinner (which is served in the afternoon).

You wanna be that guy?

June 4, 2008 at 6:13 pm 15 comments


This is the shit you bitches are reading


Creative Commons License
Lifeisacookie is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 3.0 United States License.


%d bloggers like this: