Posts tagged ‘parents’

Nick @ Nite is gettin’ naughty, y’all!

The nighttime programming arm of the Nickelodeon network airs a show called ‘Glenn Martin DDS’ every Thursday night at 8.

The show is a claymation-style cartoon thingie all about the wacky, madcap adventures of the traveling dentist and his family as they embark on a cross-country road trip to protest the demolition of Glenn’s favorite childhood park.

And by ‘wacky, madcap adventures’ I mean strippers, sex, gambling and violence, of course!

Shockingly, a national parents’ group has a problem with this.

“They’ve had references to pornography, there’s an ongoing story line about the family dog, which has an extraordinarily large anus,” says Melissa Henson of the Parents Television Council. She’s also the mother of 18-month old Josiah.

“If this is acceptable now,” she says, “when my son is 7, 8, 9 years old, what kind of content are we going to be seeing on programs he may be asking to watch?”

My guess? The same ones daddy already watches on the computer when you’re not around.


But seriously folks, early exposure to naughtiness is delicate business so never forget that YOU are the parent. If you don’t want your precious little snowflakes to watch it – either change the channel or (better yet!) shut the damned thing off and give ’em a book to read!

Oh, and don’t tuck your mags, bags and battery-operated sexy-time buddies in the sock drawer. Little precious has prying eyes. Stop your spawn from snooping by locking that shit up, ‘kay? ūüėČ


March 12, 2010 at 11:06 am

Shocking outcome (no, not really)

Old and Busted:¬†Subjecting your kids to boring meetings and office gossip during ‘Take Our Daughters and Sons to Work Day’.

New Hotness: Subjecting your kids to near electrocution during ‘Take Our Daughters and Sons to Work Day’.

At least that’s how [former] Florida Department of Corrections Sgt. Walter Schmidt saw it when he assembled a group of children visiting their parents at Franklin Correctional Institution,¬†whipped out a handheld stun device, went full retard¬†and gave the wee ones 50,000 volts of ZZZZZZZTTT!

Sergeant Shitferbrainz thought it’d be ok, since he’d asked the parents for permission and all.
“When they said ‘sure,’ I went ahead and did it.”
:::¬†Well … ‘cuz … SURE!¬†:::

ouchkidThe little innocents reportedly yelped in pain, fell to the ground and grabbed red burn marks on their arms.
One was taken to a nearby hospital.

“It wasn’t intended to be malicious, but educational,” Schmidt said. “The big shock came when I got fired.”
::: pun intended??? :::

Oh yes — they canned his ass – amazing but true!
::: well, amazing for Florida … :::

Schmidt was fired for violating established DOC procedure and paving the way for some way cool kidding litigation — but let’s not overlook the ‘colossal dumbass’ factor, either.

1.) Simple math: Snowflake Assembly + Shake N’ Bake = Pink Slippage
2.)¬†Knowing he¬†couldn’t handle¬†simple math¬†…¬†if he was going to full retard, he should have at least given momma’s little preshuss ones the full penal experience.

dropsoapI mean, why not a cavity search or a night in the tank with Big Louie?
Why not hand them a bar of soap and send them off to the¬†showers or let them spend a couple of ‘educational’ moments blindfolded and strapped into Old Sparky?

Hmm? HMMMMM????

Because surely any parent who’d sign off on having their kid’s neural and muscular systems temporarily DIS-FUCKING-ABLED!!!!! would energetically endorse the MEGA-Misery Prison Package!


May 19, 2009 at 1:46 pm 4 comments

Online: Where destiny & fate = density & fat

Listen up parents!

Just in case you’ve been in a Lithium haze and missed the memo:
Danger lurks on the Interwebs!!!!!

That computer you use to pay bills, read lifeisacookie news and buy your happy time toys?
The one your kids use to buy Webkinz, read lifeisacookie homework assignments and send pictures to grandma?
It’s also a¬†portal of prodigiously perilous possibilites!!
::: OH MY! :::

It’s true!
ewwdavisonJust ask the 13-year-old snowflake from Centerville, Utah¬†who was stopped mere moments before boarding a Greyhound bus¬†bound for¬†California to meet the man of her dreams nightmares. —>

Princess and 40-year-old sexpot Robert Lavern Davison —>
met¬†on the¬†Internet (DANGER!) last year while playing the game “World Of Warcraft’ and began spending secret steamy times together chatting online,¬†before¬†moving to e-mail and ultimately graduating to full-on verbal intercourse!
::: … it’s ok – take a moment to vomit if you need to … :::

Mom was none the wiser until¬†the day little preshuss didn’t show up for school because she was buying a bus ticket.

The cops were called and,¬†with¬†the help of the hot sluts from Utah’s Internet Crimes Against Children Task Force, they cracked kiddo’s computer and cell phone and exposed the all the tricky¬†icky ewww inside.¬†

Using their sleuthing superpowers, officers decided a 13-year-old who ewwmap1obviously can’t drive and¬†probably didn’t have enough funds for air fare¬†would likely have to either hoof it or bank a bus ticket to meet her mystery date … and since Cali’s hell and gone from Utah, the smart money was always on the bus terminal — where they did, indeed, find the unwitting future rape, torture and mutilation candidate patiently waiting for her ride.
::: Someone’s getting grounded! :::

Unaware that he was now cybersexing with Johnny Law, Scary Hairy continued his charming chats, which¬†became even more sexual, graphic and violent¬†in nature until the FBI’d had¬†enough, ¬†layed down the smack and arrested him at his Kelseyville, California house.
::: Game over, fatty! :::

grossspotYou know, I take great comfort in the knowledge that Dreamboat remains locked up as I write this — yeah yeah, because a child was saved and all — but mostly because I’m relieved to¬†know that only Tony Two Fingers and Big Freddie will get a taste of whatever special sauce created THIS nasty mess! –>

Frealz! What in open sore psoriasis hell IS that thing?!? 


March 26, 2009 at 3:02 pm 11 comments

Pinellas pinheads strike again

I remember when even the most severe case of the huffy puffies only got you a trip to the principal’s office.
::: HI Mr. Fischer!!! :::

But these days?
Well, let’s just say they do it a little differently now …
… at least in Pinellas County, Florida!
::: You can always count on Flaaaahriduh! :::

tantrumLast week, a kid in Largo had what I have to assume was just THE most stupendously colossal conniption in the history of all conniption fits ever because — instead of making him kick it old school in the corner for the day or write ‘I will not invoke the name of Satan and wish death to rain from the skies’ 1,000 times on the blackboard — his drama queen teachers pulled the ‘bitchass kid is crazy‘ card and had his adolescent ass locked the fuck UP!

Ayep — they Baker Acted a second grader.

Authorities say the 7-year-old boy threw a tantrum so Titanic that his classroom had to be evacuated.
::: Really?!? Do tell!! :::

The child allegedly:
Stepped on a teacher’s foot
::: awwww, someone gots a owchie! :::
Tore up the room
::: NOT gold-star behavior, Johnny! :::
And “battered” a school administrator
::: Oooo, now that one does sound serious! :::

That can’t be right — can it?!?

I mean how, exactly, does a 7-year-old ‘batter’ an adult?
They weigh, what? About 55 pounds at that age?
That’s a bag of sweet feed, the big Bil Jac or a few gallons of water, right?
What adult can’t hoist that shit over one shoulder and carry the tempestuous little tadpole straight to the timeout room?

Ooooo — I KNOW! I KNOW!!

Ones who enjoy scaring the crappy cafeteria lunch out of the rest of the class?!?!?
DING DING DING – I think we have a winner!!!
::: Do not FUCK with Mr. Stempley, brats! That dick will put your little snotnosed ass aWAY!! :::

In case you didn’t know …
The Baker Act allows people [7-year-olds] to be taken for mental health examination against their [7-year-old] will. But it requires a [7-year-old] person show a substantial likelihood of causing serious injury to himself or others. Absent that, police cannot use the Baker Act to take [7-year-olds] someone into custody against their [7-year-old] will, even if they think the [7-year-old] person needs help.

Largo deputy police Chief John Carroll said putting Junior in lockdown was the right thing because “This was not the first time the boy had acted up.”
::: Wait. I’m confused … did he act up or did he throw the mother of all way super deadly dangerous tantrums?!? ‘Cuz there’s, like, a really, Really, REALLY huge difference between the two … IJS …:::

“That’s not the purpose of the Baker Act at all,” Raine Johns, who handles Baker Act cases for two Florida counties but¬† is not involved in this case. “Stepping on somebody’s foot doesn’t rise to the level of substantial bodily harm.”
::: Well someone had his daily allowance of common sense for breakfast! :::

The boy spent a night at Morton Plant Hospital before being seen by a child psychologist and then released … with no charges being filed.
::: … mmmm hmmmmm… :::

This is a total abuse of police power,” said the boy’s father. “My son has no mental health problems. He’s never hurt himself. He’s never hurt anyone else.”

Oh, don’t worry, dad! It’s not like you’re kid is special or anything!!
Well, not where YOU live, anyway.

Pinellas schools police report they have been involved throwing students in the psych ward 83 times from the beginning of the school year to the start of last week.
::: Now that’s a commitment to commitment!! :::

The boy’s parents are keeping him and a 9-year-old sister out of school because they’re “scared to death” to return.

Sounds solid and all and I’d probably do the same thing but … umm … a word of caution, folks?
Your school system incarcerated your kid for havin’ a hissy … do you really want to find out how they handle truancy?!?


February 15, 2009 at 2:14 pm 12 comments

Wicked Witch of the North found – in Michigan!

Kids in¬†Gross Pointe Farms, Michigan got a real scare this Halloween … from the Wicked Witch of the North herself – homeowner Shirley Nagel – who handed out candy exclusively¬†to the offspring of admitted McCain supporters.
::: No Kit-Kats or M&M’s for YOU, Obama brats! :::

Nasty Nagel brought out the Snickers, Skittles and Starburst on Friday night but refused the sweet treats for all those who didn’t share her support for the Republican presidential candidate and his running mate Sarah Palin.
::: oh yeah, THAT’LL teach ’em!¬†:::

A sign outside her house reads:
“No handouts for Obama supporters, liars, tricksters or kids of supporters.”

After calling O’Beautiful “scary” she said it was just fine and dandy to turn children away – empty handed and crying on Halloween — because “Everybody has a choice.”
::: Keep it classy, Shirley Рkeep it classy! ::: 

Check election idiocy in all its raging glory on YouTube:

November 2, 2008 at 2:41 pm 7 comments

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