Posts tagged ‘panic’

Cue Apple tankage in 3 … 2 …


Apple Inc.’s CEO Steve Jobs says he is taking a medical leave of absence  until the end of June.
::: Stay calm. I am sure there is no need to panic … :::

Jobs told employees in an e-mail that his health issues are more complex than he thought.
::: hmm … ok maybe that sounds a little like reason to get kinda panicky … :::

Last week, Jobs announced he had a hormone deficiency that had caused him to lose a crapload of weight. The rest of the world took it for granted he was lying to protect price per share and theoried the cancer he had years ago was back … with an agenda!
::: uh, gotta admit I’m starting to panic a teensy bit here … :::

Rumors of a cancerous comeback have been flying ever since he made a skeletal appearance at the launch of the iPhone 3G last summer and Apple’s stonewalling about the ‘health issue’ has been the  perfect accelerant for this giant pile of gossipy tinder.

The scuttlebutters went into an all-out frenzy in December, when the company announced at just about the last possible nansecond that it was pulling out of Macworld and, oh yeah, Jobs wasn’t speaking.
::: Macworld – Apple = RED FLAG ALERT!!!:::

But no, I’m sure it’s all ok. No need to panic. So the company’s stock takes a nosedive whenever he gets a sniffle [panic] because he is the de facto face of the company  [panic] and the entire planet basically credits him with every drop of success Apple and all of its products have ever had  [panic] and the company has zero confirmed plans of succession in the works or on the books or in draft status in some file on some iBook somewhere or something … [panic] so what, right?

I’m sure there’s absoutely nothing to worry about … nothing … at all … well, maybe just a little …
::: Sell Mortimer Seeeeellllllllllllll!!!!! :::

January 14, 2009 at 10:31 pm 8 comments

Everybody Panic!


Oh my god – the end is near!!

This is bigtime seriousness worthy of multiple exclamation points for maximum emphasis!!!!!!!!!!!!

Some Google big guns broke out the big-girl panties this week and sent a memo to folks in the New York City office informing them of *GASP* reduced cafeteria hours and **DOUBLE GASP** reduced food selection as part of an effort “to find areas where efficiency can be improved.”

ACK!
PHLIK!!
GWOCK!!
::: slow. deep. breaths. :::

Seriously though – you should panic.
Now.

The day you see the big swingin’ dick around town pinchin’ pennies is the day you can pretty much start packing it in.
That’s it.
Lights out.
Don’t let the ‘jobs are next to go’ sign hit you in the ass on your way out.

Googlers see Mr. Economy over at the bar putting GHB in Miss Advertising’s cosmo as he prepares to butt rape that bitch well into the next presidency and, since they’ve watched their golden stock get a tad tarnished after losing nearly half it’s value this year, the cheeses are running scared.

They’re derailing the worker-bee gravy train and pulling the plug on some of the perks for which their company is universally famous.

Afternoon tea on Tuesdays?
GONE!
Snack-a-palooza smorgasbord in the micro-kitchen?
NOT ANYMORE!!
Free dinner take-out?
hahahahaha — No.

Google is also shaving a half-hour off the time the hired help get for breakfast.
::: Don’t they know it’s the most important meal of the day?!?!?!  :::

Morning munchtime has been whittled down to one wimpy hour (down from 90 minutes) … and that’s not all! Lunch and Dinner have been trimmed from 2 hours to 90 minutes.
::: quel horreur!!! :::

Oh but it’s not all bad.
The brass did toss the little people a bone … they promised the occasional ‘surprise snack attack’ just like their big-boy counterparts get in Google’s Mountain View, California offices.
::: a teaspoon of sugar helps the medicine go down … :::

Employee morale meltdown in 3 … 2 …

October 30, 2008 at 3:38 pm 1 comment


This is the shit you bitches are reading


Creative Commons License
Lifeisacookie is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 3.0 United States License.


%d bloggers like this: