Posts tagged ‘oregon’

Seriously?


Seriously.
::: meh :::

Today’s ‘No Shit’ bullshit story: Kids who play ‘choking game’ may take other risks, too’.

Seriously?!
Sadly. Seriously.

Someone went out, secured funding and got their study on to prove the obvious obviosity that the precious little snowflakes who find it just nine kinds of F-U-N to obstruct available O2 from finding their little lung units DO, in fact, find risky behavior MORE than nine kinds of rewarding?

Seriously?!
Seriously.

A group of APPARENTLYGOTNOTHINGBETTERTODOers over at the Oregon Health Authority spent some serious clock ticks surveying more than 5,300 eighth-graders to find out if they’d heard of the choking game, and if so, whether they had participated.

Twenty-two percent of children said they had heard of the game, and 6 percent had participated in it.
::: No word on what percent of  pubers lied about either, but I think it’s safe to say that when talking about teens it would be a not tiny tally of the sum total of ’em. Talkin’ truth here … ::: 

And this, gentle readers, is the part where you close your eyes, travel to your mental happy place and take deep, cleansing breaths as you try to block from your mind the reality that THIS WASN’T ALREADY OBVIOUS!?!

Seriously.

April 17, 2012 at 1:56 pm 3 comments

Open Letter to Marcus Lattimore


My dearest, darling, beautiful Marcus,
Listen to me.

I am a true blue Tiger to the end, so I feel compelled to tell you where to go.

College football has always been and will forever be my truest of true loves, so I am obligated to tell you where to go.

I am, quite literally, already putting the polish on my very own personal playbook for the 2010 season, so I have no choice at this point in our soon-to-be long(ish)-term relationship but to tell you where to go.

GO TO AUBURN!!!!!
Seriously!

Out of all of the schools you’re considering – only Auburn can offer the total excellence of athletic experience you so rightly deserve.

I mean, I know you’re from South Carolina and all, so I hope that’s the only reason you’re even considering those cocks. It’s no secret that The Old Ballcoach is struggling and who even knows what’ll happen with him if Urban Meyer continues his emotional freakout. South Cackalackee can’t give you the stability and assurances you need. Don’t go there!

And Penn State?! That’s Linebacker U … and you, my could-be new ‘boo, are a running back! Plus Big 10 football is boring and s-l-o-w! Don’t go there!

Oregon? Pac-10? Uhh, no. Oh sure they had a good 2009 season, but their mascot is a fucking DUCK and I hear LaMichael James is stingy on sharing carries. Don’t you want to be an impact player right outta the gate? Of course you do. Oh, and by the way – have you experienced an Oregon winter?! Don’t go there!

Florida State. Please tell me that’s a joke?! The ‘Noles have definitely seen better days, my friend. I mean, ok sure – Jimbo Fisher promises a quick turnaround but how quick can that really be considering he’s inheriting a four-year NCAA probation (*blech) and a handful of scholarship reductions (*ptooey) as a result of an academic cheating scandal?! Yeah, just kind of leaves a bad taste in your mouth, doesn’t it? Don’t go there!

Georgia is in a rebuilding phase. Rebuilding the coaching staff. Rebuilding the roster. Rebuilding their mascot (R.I.P UGAVII) It’s just messy. ‘Nuff said. Don’t go there!

GO TO AUBURN!!!!!

You and Michael Dyer are the class of all running backs coming out of high school and Auburn is Running Back U!!
He’s a solid AU commit — you know you want to stiffen up your ‘soft’ commit status! You do!
Just think of what the two of you could do together!!!
I know I have!

OhPleaseOhPleaseOhPleaseOhPleaseOhPlease GO TO AUBURN!!!!!

My Tubby-loving heart is slowly warming to Gene Chizik and I think we can agree that Curtis Luper, Trooper Taylor, Jeff Grimes and Gus Malzahn belong way up there on the worthy scale.

C’mon! Make me happy Marcus!!

Join the ranks of outstanding backs like Tucker Frederickson, William Andrews, Joe Cribbs, James Brooks, Rudi Johnson, Stephen Davis, James Bostic, Brandon Jacobs, Lionel James, Brent Fullwood, Kenny Irons, Cadillac Williams, Ronnie Brown, Tommie Agee and Bo Jackson!!

Live out your college days on the Loveliest Village on The Plains!!!

You + Auburn = A Super-Exclamation-Pointy Natural Fit!!!!

Think about it.
I’ll be your BFF4EVAR!

Love eternally and for always and ever to infinity a millionthousand times …
XOXO
XOXO,
Cookie

P.S.: WAR EAGLE!!

January 12, 2010 at 11:16 am 4 comments

United States of IOU?


California better reckonize!

That bitch has been out there behaving like a first-rate famewhore on the red carpet – totally hogging the ‘We Suck at Solvency’ spotlight! But she better step to the side because hers isn’t the only game in town anymore!

Oh ho no!

A new study by the Pew Center found that double-digit budget gaps, rising unemployment, high foreclosure rates and built-in budget constraints have brought Arizona, Florida, Illinois, Michigan, Nevada, New Jersey, Oregon, Rhode Island and Wisconsin to the precipice of joining Cali in the pageant of impovrished places pockmarking the American landscape.
::: Ten’s a crowd! :::

These states are fucked financially for basically one of three reasons:
1. They rely too heavily on one type of industry
::: diversity of DIE :::

2. They have a history of persistent budget shortfalls
::: finance FAIL :::

3. They face legal constraints that make it too hard to implement major changes, such as tax increases
::: judiciary JAM-UP :::

And it’s all a big ol’ bunch of SUCKS TO BE THEM until you realize that this mess is five slices of Serious Shit Pie  because these piss-poors combine to account for more than one-third of the entire, whole and complete nation’s population and economic output.

!! STICKY SITCH ALERT !!

“Decisions these states make as they try to navigate the recession will play a role in how quickly the entire nation recovers,” one of the Pew peeps professed.

NO PRESSURE GUYS … but, uhh, could you get with the A program, so all of America doesn’t have to keep suffering?!?

Pretty please with a big ol’ stimulus check on top?

SOURCE

November 13, 2009 at 11:11 am 4 comments

IT’S HEEEEERRRRRRRRRRE!!!!!!!!!


I’m so excited!! I’m so excited!! I’m so excited!! I’m so excited!! I’m so excited!! I’m so excited!! I’m so excited!!

In just a few SWEET hours my absolute favorite thing in the whole and entire UNIVERSE happens!!!!
::: No, not THAT! 😉 :::

AUBURN FOOTBALL KICKS OFF!!!!!

auburn_tigersI mean, ok, despite taking a number one QB (KODI myheartBURNSforyou) and inexplicably making him a second team Wide Receiver (?!?!?!) and putting that awsome hot young thing Tyrik Rollison at third-team QB – behind those fuckers who couldn’t get it done last season – Chris Todd and Neil Caudle (does NOT compute!) – WHATEVER! I don’t care (right now)! Because today it’s all possibilities and sunshininess and glittery rays of promise coming down from the heavens for my beloved AU and NOTHING (right now) will get in the way of the audacious hopification I am vibing (right now)!!!
And, not for nothing, but let’s just hope my guys keep it classy instead of going 20 kinds of dumbass like Oregon’s LeGarette Blount did last night on the Smurf Turf at Boise State.
Dumbfuckery Supreme!!

September 4, 2009 at 10:27 am 5 comments

Dumb Bitch of the Day


Old and Busted: During a spat with the spouse, the wife gets all ‘Shuddit or move out!’

New Hotness: He does!

It happened this month in Oregon when Pam and William Peterson got all pissy-pants with each other one night and Pammy told ol’ Bill he could just move the fuck out if he didn’t like things her way – so, well, he kinda did!

Dude grabbed some gear and got the hell out, taking what sounds like a truly well-deserved break to get his fish on.

He just forgot one teensy little detail: Informing the missus, who let herself marinate in her madness for a couple of days before going into dumb bitch hyperdrive and filing a missing person’s report on his waywardness.

Seems Will chunked her the deuce and made a break for it on June 6.
When she couldn’t fix the screen door and that lightbulb finally blew he didn’t show up for work a few days later, Pam thought it might be time to give the boys in blue a front-row seat to the soon-to-be public show of her marital discord.

Cornelius Police Commander Ed Jensen said the search for the maligned mate involved the U.S. Forest Service, as well as law enforcement officers from Linn, Lane and Marion counties. He estimated that thousands of dollars were spent on the search caused by Pam’s pissy hissy.

“On one day we had eight people who devoted all their time to looking for this individual,” he explained. “I don’t know if that was on overtime or not.”

Pity that — especially since Will called the ball-and-chain a week later “to see if he was welcome home.”

Raise a hand if you would LOVE to hear that phone call!!

Pam Peterson told reporters she wanted to apologize for the situation, but said she wouldn’t have anything more to say about it.
::: She’s a woman … there will be more said. :::

Despite being duped this time, Jensen said police will always investigate reports of people who are missing, adding “we need the full story from the start,” Jensen said.

And, as for the po-po getting paid back for their missing person’s probe?
“I’m pretty sure there is no recourse at this time (but) it definitely tied up a lot of resources that, in this day and age of tight budgets, could make a lot of difference.”

Editor’s Note: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!
But no.
This is serious.
Do not try this at home. Don’t do it!
Oh, I know you’ve all wanted to do it and I know it’s tempting – especially when we rain crazy down upon your sorry ass day-in / day-out. But we’re women. We can’t help it. It’s part of our DNA.
So — for serious and totally — don’t even think about trying this at home because sometime, somewhere the sweet precious you call ‘honey’ will bring eternal pain by the bucketload for your completely inappropriate condescension, making you wish you’d poured battery acid in your ears to escape her screechified blah blah, which sounds fine and all — until you try to catch PTI on ESPN and realize you’re no lip-reader.
Yup. Not worth it.

SOURCE

June 16, 2009 at 4:51 pm 1 comment


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