Posts tagged ‘opinion’

Oh SNAP!


beyoncesux Well kids, the reviews for Beyoncé’s first real stab at opening a flick are in and let’s just say they were the teensiest smidge less than [Sasha] fierce.

And by ‘less than’ I mean the word on Obsessed is that it’s flat-fucking-out DREADFUL!
::: kind of like that ultra-hein paint job the Mighty B’s workin’ here —> :::

From the Daily News:
“Unfortunately, the whole movie seems constructed just to get the singer/actress into a knock-down catfight, shoehorning one of show business’s sexiest entertainers into a scorned-woman role.

And even then, the pay-off feels cheap.

The result is more like “Delayed Frustration” than “Fatal Attraction.” Knowles actually gets second billing after Idris Elba as Derek, a driven husband, father and VP of a Los Angeles financial firm.

Definitely worth skipping!”

OUCHIES!!

Good thing girlfriend can always fall back on her screaching singing career and churning out cheap looks for the House of Derriér

SOURCE

April 27, 2009 at 1:21 pm 3 comments

House pet FAIL


What kind of dumbass keeps a primate as a house pet?

No no — serious question.
Because we’re not talking about some freaky Michael Jackson ‘mules you can put out to the back 40 and get your ‘isn’t he cuuuuuuute?’ on when you want to go all ‘exotic’.

We’re talking about our [wild] evolutionary brothers from a very [wild] different mother who, as adults, have at least five times the strength of humans … and who even the first-rate researchifyers over at the Jane Goodall Institute agree are meant to live in the wild, not in our homes.

And so again, I ask … 

What Kind of?
DUMBASS?
Keeps A Goddamned PRIMATE?
AS A HOUSE PET?!?!?

Some dumbass in Stamford, Connecticut – that’s who!
::: … although, technically, she doesn’t keep one anymore … :::

Meet Sandra Herold.
::: Hi Sandra! :::
Sandra is a 70-year-old woman who owns owned a 200-pound ‘celebrity pet’ chimpanzee named Travis.
::: Hi Travis! :::

Trav – a chimp who is said to have been toilet trained, could dress himself, ate at the table, could use a computer and reportedly starred in Old Navy and Coca-Cola commercials — used a key to let himself out of Herold’s house last night.
::: SMARTYPANTS!! :::

He was out there, gettin’ all rampagey — attacking police cars, police men and Herold’s 50-something soon-to-be former friend — when the po po had to make ol’ Trav a permanent kind of dead.
::: Chimpi .. uhh no, that’s just sad … :::

According to reports, “Travis was being bad.” He’d biggie-sized an outburst but calmed down long enough for Herold to get him back in the house and give him a nice hot cuppa Xanax-laced tea.
::: … mmm, yeah … but that one’s tricky ‘cuz ya hafta get the pill-to-water ratio just righ … uhh, well, umm … whaa … ACK – nothing! Nevermind!! ::: 

021609-chimp-fire-zoom1Bitch must’ve  messed up the mix because, moments later, just as Charla Nash was getting out of her car, Travis channeled his inner abuser and brought a beatdown so severe it put her in the hospital with serious facial injuries after losing a ‘tremendous amount of blood.’
::: J. Fred Muggs would NOT approve!!! :::

Things got all stabby when Herold tried to pry her mate off Nash but, c’mon … how well do you think a Q-Tip’s gonna do against a marauding beast?
Ya — juuuust well enough to know when it’s time to haul ass back to the house and call for backup!

Police arrived and Trav got to chargin’ … then he smashed a car window and opened the door to a cruiser where an officer was hiding like a girl taking cover …
… and that’s when things got all shooty.

Travis met the business end that officer’s gun several times before he ran back to the house … and died. 

Oh the tragedy!
Oh the sadness!!

If only there’d been some WARNING that celebrichimp might go apeshit!!!

Wait. What’s that you say?
Oh, that’s riiiight!

Most folks remember dude’s rather public run-in with the law a couple of years ago when he escaped from an SUV and went running through the streets.
More than a dozen officers were dispatched that time.
::: I’m guessing there was a LOT more Xanax at at least two tranq guns involved that time. Am I right? Am I right?? .:::

So what did we learn today, kiddies?

No matter how many Old Navy spots he snags … no matter how much coin he banks your butt — he’s still a PRIMATE, complete with all those wildly unpredictable, might rip your nose off, deadly PRIMATE tendencies.

Highly-trained, unique, special and just a few Darwin’s shy of human does not a safe house pet make.

… now if you’ll excuse me, my Chilean Rose Tarantulas and Argentinian Puma need to be fed … 

SOURCE
SOURCE/PHOTOS

February 17, 2009 at 4:56 pm 3 comments

You like me! You really like me!


cookieyeahI’m gettin’ my Sally Field moment on because my hard work undeniable insanity, dedication dementia and deference to the sanctity of the written word unquenchable thirst for snark has FINALLY paid off!
::: YAY PAYOFF!!!  … and I mean that in the strictly NON-Rod Blagojevich sense … :::

I just found out that my special brand of crazyass commentary has rubbed off on at least ONE of you sluts, and now I’m all ‘yeah’ and ‘woo hoo’ and stuff!
::: YEAH and WOO HOO ‘n stuf!!! :::

‘Huh?’ you say?
::: … stay with me Jethro … :::

Textimps – the site dedicated to helping bloggers get exposure – has made selected chosen annointed CROWNED me, moi, yours truly, this birdbrained bitch’s blog that occasionally brings the BWAHAHAHA!!! as their ultra-special, first-class, top-shelf  Site of the Week.

SITE OF THE WEEK, PEOPLE!!!!!

This.
is.

HUGE!

I mean, there’s no plaque or trophy or certificate or anything [is there???] just the sweet sweet satisfaction of knowing that my shit isn’t just for hookers hopped up on pills, losers under prison lockdown or wacked-out nutjobs kickin’ it old-school style in a psych ward padded cell.

txtxtimpsNO! I’m, like, a gozillion plus infinity times more specialer than that!!

Am so!
I have infected corrupted perverted disturbed TOUCHED at least one normal, productive member of society!!!!
::: My teachers and guidance counselors and parole officer and Judge Schneider and the guy at the deli and, well, you were all wrong!!! I AM SOMEBODY!!!!!! :::

The rest of you hussies should just submit now. Frealz.
RESISTANCE IS FUTILE!!!

… isn’t this how pandemics start? …

January 6, 2009 at 4:46 pm 18 comments

Daily Caylee


New bones and what looks like a child’s story book were discovered yesterday on a wooded lot where Orange County investigators found a skull and other skeletal remains a week ago, the sheriff’s office said.

Also: First tips about site came in August
“We are currently following up on information regarding this particular location which we received three tips back in August,” Sheriff’s Captain Angelo Nieves said. “We are attempting to be as thorough, as clear and as concise as possible with the information that we received.”

What do YOU think?

December 19, 2008 at 10:49 am 1 comment

America — this is you?


Open forum commenting, oh how you scare me!
::: and yet, I’m drawn to you like a moth to a flame … like Southerners to sweet tea … like priests to little boys … :::

In the official news void that IS election day up to, oh, say anywhere between 6 and 8 o’clock p.m. Eastern Time – websites everywhere are trolling for user-generated content to fill their ‘election day coverage’.
::: NEATO! :::

“Voter Experience and Random Thoughtification” anyone?

Lets!

“John McCain’ at Tampabay.com writes:
Waited in line for well over 2 hours only to find out I was at the drivers license office. DOH!! Then drove arounf for 3 hours with my left blinker on and found my polling place. Yeah, I blank out sometimes, but it’s okay, I can’t be any worse than what’s in office now, right?
:::: hehe – sorry but that shit is funny! :::

“Al T” of Deerfield Beach, Florida writes:
The only reason this is considered “historic” is he thinks Hussein is going to win.
The NLP implication is there.
::: Oooo – Strageterie! yeah yeah — confuse them with your counter-logicisciousness!! :::

bhamman1967 in Birmingham, Alabama comments:
We do not need a Muslim in the White House
::: Well then I guess it’s just damned good luck there’s not one on yer redneck, racist ballot there fella! :::

takion1 – ranting and raving all KINDS of throughout the unmoderated boards of Elk River, Idaho’s topix.net:
If you allow Socialism to take root, it will grow to rule all aspects of your life.
Socialism is the beginning of tyranny that will suffocate freedoms for Americans.
NOBODY RIDES FOR FREE, although there are some exceptions to the rule!
NOBAMA!
::: takion1 needs to pop a pill and go sleepy-bye-bye-time :::

Are we having fun yet?

… stay tuned …

November 4, 2008 at 9:53 pm

You can put lipstick on a pig, but …



Sunday, September 7, 2008 = Sequined semi-hotness


Tuesday, September 16, 2008 = cutoffs ‘n’ wifebeater-y notness

::: that would be a diet frapp, right? … on account o’ that 1200 calorie a day diet and all … :::

September 17, 2008 at 10:56 am 1 comment

Let’s face it …


Meg Ryan says her Hollywood career is nearly over and she’ll never be able to recapture her previous fame.
Why? Because she says there just aren’t enough good roles for women over 40.
::: Damn it all to hell and back! Who forgot to give the memo to Helen Mirren, Judy Dench, Diane Keaton, Meryl Streep, Annette Bening and Diane Lane?!? :::

“I think when Hollywood is done with me, I will probably be done with it. I’m not interested in playing those stock characters any more and I don’t feel sad that I don’t get those kind of offers.”

Someone’s in DEE-NIE-YULL!!!

It’s not her age that’s preventing her from landing roles …

… it’s her face.

It seems like only yesterday that everything was going along just swimmingly for America’s former sweetheart – then *BAM* – Meg boarded the big bus to crazy town!

Did it happen because folks found out she’d been bumpin’ fuglies with the Australian STD?
::: la chocha caliente :::
Did it happen because her then-husband of nine years decided it best to throw a cheatin’ chocha OUT?
Did it happen because no one liked ‘Hanging Up’?
::: they didn’t, get over it :::

Alas, we may never know what drove the Megster mad. But one thing’s for sure:
She must have some ginormously craterous self-esteem because – after being tossed out, she freaked out.

Meggers didn’t consult her oft-thumbed self-hater’s guidebook to wellness and she didn’t drag her ass in for analysis. Hell, she didn’t even develop a well-deserved chemical addiction!
She did it another  way.

Bitch ditched all that bankable girl-next-dooriness for an overblown trout pout, shaved schnoz, cutlet-y implants and some super-sateeny alien skin.
::: CAREER BE DAMNED!! muahahahahah!!!!! :::

Instead of trading on her natural good looks – she traded ’em IN.
Forever.

And it’s too bad, too – because, unless there’s a ‘When Harry Met Scary’ deal in the works, Meg’s makeover gave the once-upon-a-time cutie patootie the perfect face for just one thing:
Radio.

Meg? For future reference – when the mirror’s being mean to you – just remember …

September 16, 2008 at 4:13 pm 8 comments

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